Been talking to FOB

[bumphenders]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

 

[dustbunny]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

I think him seeing the baby 3 times a week is way more than fair so I don't see how they can kick up any sort of fuss. When I spoke to a solicitor he said that the FOB should expect to see the baby once born for a couple hours a week/every other week to begin with and build up from there [aka when the baby is old enough every other weekend]... not saying that is what you should do at all, especially if you're in an amicable sort of friendship, just saying what I've been told.

I will be stating the exact same things, although no so much as 3 times a week. You also have to think when those 3 times should be... with regards to making it OK times for both you and FOB... he can't stipulate a time when it is not suitable for you and the other way around.

Also RE the birth certificate. Putting his name of there gives essentially 50/50... not as in 50% of the time is with him and then with you but decisions over schooling, vaccinations etc etc... also it does mean he can take the child on holiday for up to [i think] 21 days?? Also... if he is not on it... and something happens to you and the baby [god forbid a car accident] it becomes your next to kin who decides what would happen with the baby with regards to medical care. His name doesn't have to be on the certificate to claim maintenance although he can go the court and have his name put on. Also... putting his name on means you both have to go together and he gets 50% right to name the child as well.

It depends on how well you two get on and whether he has done anything to make you think he's not 100%

Hope that helps

 

[bumphenders]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

I think him seeing the baby 3 times a week is way more than fair so I don't see how they can kick up any sort of fuss. When I spoke to a solicitor he said that the FOB should expect to see the baby once born for a couple hours a week/every other week to begin with and build up from there [aka when the baby is old enough every other weekend]... not saying that is what you should do at all, especially if you're in an amicable sort of friendship, just saying what I've been told.

I will be stating the exact same things, although no so much as 3 times a week. You also have to think when those 3 times should be... with regards to making it OK times for both you and FOB... he can't stipulate a time when it is not suitable for you and the other way around.

Also RE the birth certificate. Putting his name of there gives essentially 50/50... not as in 50% of the time is with him and then with you but decisions over schooling, vaccinations etc etc... also it does mean he can take the child on holiday for up to [i think] 21 days?? Also... if he is not on it... and something happens to you and the baby [god forbid a car accident] it becomes your next to kin who decides what would happen with the baby with regards to medical care. His name doesn't have to be on the certificate to claim maintenance although he can go the court and have his name put on. Also... putting his name on means you both have to go together and he gets 50% right to name the child as well.

It depends on how well you two get on and whether he has done anything to make you think he's not 100%

Hope that helps

Sorry this reply is so long...

Thank you so much for replying.
I originally said to start with once a week for 2 hours or twice a week for 1 hour each - so he would get 2 hours a week in total. My mum said that was unfair, and if I wanted to see how committed he is, give him more and if he can be bothered to come then he will. I think 3 times a week is way too much, but I won't have to see him so I guess 3 times a week is what it will be.

We are not friends at all. I hate him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be in Elliots life when I first found out I was pregnant, and he had time to think and decided he did want to, then he walked away again. Then in Oct we had an argument and the last thing he said to me was "please f*ck off and die* and then cut all contact...

He has also said that If I did stop him from seeing Elliot he wouldn't fight in court or anything for access (I wouldn't stop him without very good reason)

We are only in contact now because I inboxed his brother. He told me if I hadn't inboxed his brother he wouldn't have contacted me until nearer my due date (which he didn't even remember, he has had to ask me twice already)

The thing with the Birth Certificate is exactly that, I heard if he is on, he can have a say in where I live and everything?! I don't have him having any kind of control over my life at all :/ but I don't want him to kick off and such.

And as for Maintenance I wasn't going to ask him for anything but I think its only fair he helps towards Elliots upbringing - saying this I WILL NOT stop him seeing Elliot if he refuses to help me at all, But it will make things more awkward.

I think with everything taken into account he should be very very grateful I am being as kind and giving to him as I am.

 

[dustbunny]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

I think him seeing the baby 3 times a week is way more than fair so I don't see how they can kick up any sort of fuss. When I spoke to a solicitor he said that the FOB should expect to see the baby once born for a couple hours a week/every other week to begin with and build up from there [aka when the baby is old enough every other weekend]... not saying that is what you should do at all, especially if you're in an amicable sort of friendship, just saying what I've been told.

I will be stating the exact same things, although no so much as 3 times a week. You also have to think when those 3 times should be... with regards to making it OK times for both you and FOB... he can't stipulate a time when it is not suitable for you and the other way around.

Also RE the birth certificate. Putting his name of there gives essentially 50/50... not as in 50% of the time is with him and then with you but decisions over schooling, vaccinations etc etc... also it does mean he can take the child on holiday for up to [i think] 21 days?? Also... if he is not on it... and something happens to you and the baby [god forbid a car accident] it becomes your next to kin who decides what would happen with the baby with regards to medical care. His name doesn't have to be on the certificate to claim maintenance although he can go the court and have his name put on. Also... putting his name on means you both have to go together and he gets 50% right to name the child as well.

It depends on how well you two get on and whether he has done anything to make you think he's not 100%

Hope that helps

Sorry this reply is so long...

Thank you so much for replying.
I originally said to start with once a week for 2 hours or twice a week for 1 hour each - so he would get 2 hours a week in total. My mum said that was unfair, and if I wanted to see how committed he is, give him more and if he can be bothered to come then he will. I think 3 times a week is way too much, but I won't have to see him so I guess 3 times a week is what it will be.

We are not friends at all. I hate him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be in Elliots life when I first found out I was pregnant, and he had time to think and decided he did want to, then he walked away again. Then in Oct we had an argument and the last thing he said to me was "please f*ck off and die* and then cut all contact...

He has also said that If I did stop him from seeing Elliot he wouldn't fight in court or anything for access (I wouldn't stop him without very good reason)

We are only in contact now because I inboxed his brother. He told me if I hadn't inboxed his brother he wouldn't have contacted me until nearer my due date (which he didn't even remember, he has had to ask me twice already)

The thing with the Birth Certificate is exactly that, I heard if he is on, he can have a say in where I live and everything?! I don't have him having any kind of control over my life at all :/ but I don't want him to kick off and such.

And as for Maintenance I wasn't going to ask him for anything but I think its only fair he helps towards Elliots upbringing - saying this I WILL NOT stop him seeing Elliot if he refuses to help me at all, But it will make things more awkward.

I think with everything taken into account he should be very very grateful I am being as kind and giving to him as I am.

Woah... your ex is a dick. I'm sorry but... if he isn't bothered then why try and include him?? I think you're being so lovely and kind to him with regards to seeing his baby that he is just throwing it back in your face a bit by saying he doesn't care how much/little he sees his son.

I'd leave him to it and, although I appreciate your mother is important to you and her opinion does matter, this is yours and your baby's life. To see if someone is committed is to see how much they willingly want to actively include themselves.

 

[bumphenders]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

I think him seeing the baby 3 times a week is way more than fair so I don't see how they can kick up any sort of fuss. When I spoke to a solicitor he said that the FOB should expect to see the baby once born for a couple hours a week/every other week to begin with and build up from there [aka when the baby is old enough every other weekend]... not saying that is what you should do at all, especially if you're in an amicable sort of friendship, just saying what I've been told.

I will be stating the exact same things, although no so much as 3 times a week. You also have to think when those 3 times should be... with regards to making it OK times for both you and FOB... he can't stipulate a time when it is not suitable for you and the other way around.

Also RE the birth certificate. Putting his name of there gives essentially 50/50... not as in 50% of the time is with him and then with you but decisions over schooling, vaccinations etc etc... also it does mean he can take the child on holiday for up to [i think] 21 days?? Also... if he is not on it... and something happens to you and the baby [god forbid a car accident] it becomes your next to kin who decides what would happen with the baby with regards to medical care. His name doesn't have to be on the certificate to claim maintenance although he can go the court and have his name put on. Also... putting his name on means you both have to go together and he gets 50% right to name the child as well.

It depends on how well you two get on and whether he has done anything to make you think he's not 100%

Hope that helps

Sorry this reply is so long...

Thank you so much for replying.
I originally said to start with once a week for 2 hours or twice a week for 1 hour each - so he would get 2 hours a week in total. My mum said that was unfair, and if I wanted to see how committed he is, give him more and if he can be bothered to come then he will. I think 3 times a week is way too much, but I won't have to see him so I guess 3 times a week is what it will be.

We are not friends at all. I hate him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be in Elliots life when I first found out I was pregnant, and he had time to think and decided he did want to, then he walked away again. Then in Oct we had an argument and the last thing he said to me was "please f*ck off and die* and then cut all contact...

He has also said that If I did stop him from seeing Elliot he wouldn't fight in court or anything for access (I wouldn't stop him without very good reason)

We are only in contact now because I inboxed his brother. He told me if I hadn't inboxed his brother he wouldn't have contacted me until nearer my due date (which he didn't even remember, he has had to ask me twice already)

The thing with the Birth Certificate is exactly that, I heard if he is on, he can have a say in where I live and everything?! I don't have him having any kind of control over my life at all :/ but I don't want him to kick off and such.

And as for Maintenance I wasn't going to ask him for anything but I think its only fair he helps towards Elliots upbringing - saying this I WILL NOT stop him seeing Elliot if he refuses to help me at all, But it will make things more awkward.

I think with everything taken into account he should be very very grateful I am being as kind and giving to him as I am.

Woah... your ex is a dick. I'm sorry but... if he isn't bothered then why try and include him?? I think you're being so lovely and kind to him with regards to seeing his baby that he is just throwing it back in your face a bit by saying he doesn't care how much/little he sees his son.

I'd leave him to it and, although I appreciate your mother is important to you and her opinion does matter, this is yours and your baby's life. To see if someone is committed is to see how much they willingly want to actively include themselves.

He really is, and he expects things to be his way or no way. He frustrates me. He keeps thinking he can keep saying to me "we'll talk later" but the next time he says that, then i'm done. I told him I want it all sorted now so I don't have that stress over me the next 4 month. he has had 5 month0-ish to get his head around all of this. He just really angers me.

I guess I'm doing all of this so no one can dare say that I didn't try my damn hardest to fight for what my son deserved.

Thanks for letting me vent and stuff.

 

[dustbunny]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

I think him seeing the baby 3 times a week is way more than fair so I don't see how they can kick up any sort of fuss. When I spoke to a solicitor he said that the FOB should expect to see the baby once born for a couple hours a week/every other week to begin with and build up from there [aka when the baby is old enough every other weekend]... not saying that is what you should do at all, especially if you're in an amicable sort of friendship, just saying what I've been told.

I will be stating the exact same things, although no so much as 3 times a week. You also have to think when those 3 times should be... with regards to making it OK times for both you and FOB... he can't stipulate a time when it is not suitable for you and the other way around.

Also RE the birth certificate. Putting his name of there gives essentially 50/50... not as in 50% of the time is with him and then with you but decisions over schooling, vaccinations etc etc... also it does mean he can take the child on holiday for up to [i think] 21 days?? Also... if he is not on it... and something happens to you and the baby [god forbid a car accident] it becomes your next to kin who decides what would happen with the baby with regards to medical care. His name doesn't have to be on the certificate to claim maintenance although he can go the court and have his name put on. Also... putting his name on means you both have to go together and he gets 50% right to name the child as well.

It depends on how well you two get on and whether he has done anything to make you think he's not 100%

Hope that helps

Sorry this reply is so long...

Thank you so much for replying.
I originally said to start with once a week for 2 hours or twice a week for 1 hour each - so he would get 2 hours a week in total. My mum said that was unfair, and if I wanted to see how committed he is, give him more and if he can be bothered to come then he will. I think 3 times a week is way too much, but I won't have to see him so I guess 3 times a week is what it will be.

We are not friends at all. I hate him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be in Elliots life when I first found out I was pregnant, and he had time to think and decided he did want to, then he walked away again. Then in Oct we had an argument and the last thing he said to me was "please f*ck off and die* and then cut all contact...

He has also said that If I did stop him from seeing Elliot he wouldn't fight in court or anything for access (I wouldn't stop him without very good reason)

We are only in contact now because I inboxed his brother. He told me if I hadn't inboxed his brother he wouldn't have contacted me until nearer my due date (which he didn't even remember, he has had to ask me twice already)

The thing with the Birth Certificate is exactly that, I heard if he is on, he can have a say in where I live and everything?! I don't have him having any kind of control over my life at all :/ but I don't want him to kick off and such.

And as for Maintenance I wasn't going to ask him for anything but I think its only fair he helps towards Elliots upbringing - saying this I WILL NOT stop him seeing Elliot if he refuses to help me at all, But it will make things more awkward.

I think with everything taken into account he should be very very grateful I am being as kind and giving to him as I am.

Woah... your ex is a dick. I'm sorry but... if he isn't bothered then why try and include him?? I think you're being so lovely and kind to him with regards to seeing his baby that he is just throwing it back in your face a bit by saying he doesn't care how much/little he sees his son.

I'd leave him to it and, although I appreciate your mother is important to you and her opinion does matter, this is yours and your baby's life. To see if someone is committed is to see how much they willingly want to actively include themselves.

He really is, and he expects things to be his way or no way. He frustrates me. He keeps thinking he can keep saying to me "we'll talk later" but the next time he says that, then i'm done. I told him I want it all sorted now so I don't have that stress over me the next 4 month. he has had 5 month0-ish to get his head around all of this. He just really angers me.

I guess I'm doing all of this so no one can dare say that I didn't try my damn hardest to fight for what my son deserved.

Thanks for letting me vent and stuff.

Hehe... don't be silly, this is what the forums are for and I vent enough on here as it is. I am in the same boat RE FOB not really being bothered but I reached the end of my tether a couple of weeks ago and since he has not be bothered to get in touch. It annoys me how some FOB think they can waltz in and out of these situations as they please... or take several months to decide whether they want to be involved, I'm pretty sure none of here on these forums pressured the FOB into having sex at the time.

 

[bumphenders]

I told him

• 
  Elliot will have my last name
  Him & his family can see Elliot
  I don't want visitors until I have been home for about a week and settled
  I am not having visitors at the hospital, not even my family
  I have also said he can see Elliot 3 times a week

He knows that when he see's Elliot, it's to be at my house with someone else other then me, as I don't want to be around him after everything he has said and done...

Now the last 2 issues I need to tackle are Child Maintenance & the birth certificate....

I feel better knowing things are getting sorted, although the thought of seeing him isn't great.

Does all of that seem fair?

I think him seeing the baby 3 times a week is way more than fair so I don't see how they can kick up any sort of fuss. When I spoke to a solicitor he said that the FOB should expect to see the baby once born for a couple hours a week/every other week to begin with and build up from there [aka when the baby is old enough every other weekend]... not saying that is what you should do at all, especially if you're in an amicable sort of friendship, just saying what I've been told.

I will be stating the exact same things, although no so much as 3 times a week. You also have to think when those 3 times should be... with regards to making it OK times for both you and FOB... he can't stipulate a time when it is not suitable for you and the other way around.

Also RE the birth certificate. Putting his name of there gives essentially 50/50... not as in 50% of the time is with him and then with you but decisions over schooling, vaccinations etc etc... also it does mean he can take the child on holiday for up to [i think] 21 days?? Also... if he is not on it... and something happens to you and the baby [god forbid a car accident] it becomes your next to kin who decides what would happen with the baby with regards to medical care. His name doesn't have to be on the certificate to claim maintenance although he can go the court and have his name put on. Also... putting his name on means you both have to go together and he gets 50% right to name the child as well.

It depends on how well you two get on and whether he has done anything to make you think he's not 100%

Hope that helps

Sorry this reply is so long...

Thank you so much for replying.
I originally said to start with once a week for 2 hours or twice a week for 1 hour each - so he would get 2 hours a week in total. My mum said that was unfair, and if I wanted to see how committed he is, give him more and if he can be bothered to come then he will. I think 3 times a week is way too much, but I won't have to see him so I guess 3 times a week is what it will be.

We are not friends at all. I hate him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be in Elliots life when I first found out I was pregnant, and he had time to think and decided he did want to, then he walked away again. Then in Oct we had an argument and the last thing he said to me was "please f*ck off and die* and then cut all contact...

He has also said that If I did stop him from seeing Elliot he wouldn't fight in court or anything for access (I wouldn't stop him without very good reason)

We are only in contact now because I inboxed his brother. He told me if I hadn't inboxed his brother he wouldn't have contacted me until nearer my due date (which he didn't even remember, he has had to ask me twice already)

The thing with the Birth Certificate is exactly that, I heard if he is on, he can have a say in where I live and everything?! I don't have him having any kind of control over my life at all :/ but I don't want him to kick off and such.

And as for Maintenance I wasn't going to ask him for anything but I think its only fair he helps towards Elliots upbringing - saying this I WILL NOT stop him seeing Elliot if he refuses to help me at all, But it will make things more awkward.

I think with everything taken into account he should be very very grateful I am being as kind and giving to him as I am.

Woah... your ex is a dick. I'm sorry but... if he isn't bothered then why try and include him?? I think you're being so lovely and kind to him with regards to seeing his baby that he is just throwing it back in your face a bit by saying he doesn't care how much/little he sees his son.

I'd leave him to it and, although I appreciate your mother is important to you and her opinion does matter, this is yours and your baby's life. To see if someone is committed is to see how much they willingly want to actively include themselves.

He really is, and he expects things to be his way or no way. He frustrates me. He keeps thinking he can keep saying to me "we'll talk later" but the next time he says that, then i'm done. I told him I want it all sorted now so I don't have that stress over me the next 4 month. he has had 5 month0-ish to get his head around all of this. He just really angers me.

I guess I'm doing all of this so no one can dare say that I didn't try my damn hardest to fight for what my son deserved.

Thanks for letting me vent and stuff.

Hehe... don't be silly, this is what the forums are for and I vent enough on here as it is. I am in the same boat RE FOB not really being bothered but I reached the end of my tether a couple of weeks ago and since he has not be bothered to get in touch. It annoys me how some FOB think they can waltz in and out of these situations as they please... or take several months to decide whether they want to be involved, I'm pretty sure none of here on these forums pressured the FOB into having sex at the time.

Well you know where I am if you ever need to vent or anything.
And I still haven't had a reply from him about the 3 times a week...

and you're right, i'm sure none of us did!

 

[cluelessnow]

I think you're being very reasonable. It's very much what I had said to FOB. He now lives in another country so it's really up to him when he wants to visit so I didn't put a time limit to how often or how long. His parents want to know LO but they live far away so no limits there either as practically visits will be limited by distance, their work commitments etc.

He already said he'll pay child support so I don't have to worry about that and his parents think it's the least he could do.

FOB's name of the birth certificate - that's not spoken about yet but I think he wants to have his name on there. I'm not so keen now that we're not together and the fact that he wants to stay living in another country - it worries me that he could take LO on a plane and has a right to do that or even say where I can go and live. But lately he's got used to the idea of me making the decisions without consulting him so he may not bother fight it.

I totally understand how you feel about allowing access etc. Me too - I want LO to know his father and vice versa. FOB is not a bad guy, he just doesn't want to be with me. I've tried no contact. I've tried being friends. You want to control the situation to avoid being hurt, stressed etc. It's hard because there are feelings still involved - the bad and the good and I'm not sure how and if I can handle it when LO is born so just taking it as it comes, a step at a time. Hope it works out for you.