Being brave enough to believe...

[Megg33k]

How do I do it? Getting good, solid lines on my tests gave me solace for a while, but the novelty has worn off now. Although my betas weren't awful, they didn't double like I hoped they would. The first at 13dpo was 95 (a bit high) and the second (43 hours later) at 15dpo was 134 (very average). My fertility clinic was fine with them and seem convinced I have nothing to worry about. They suspect vanishing twin syndrome, but its nothing more than a guess.

My past (2 blighted ovum found at 11 week [Dec 09] and 10 week [May 10] scans) combined with my betas has really sent me into a tailspin. I can't stop thinking about it, and I feel like I'm just waiting for the end. But, knowing that I might well have a baby or two in there fighting makes me feel very guilty for not being strong enough or brave enough to believe that this time is different.

I've had awful dreams, and I know its because its been weighing so heavily on my mind. Even when I had a good dream about everything being perfect, it was joined with a different but totally horrific dream.

I want to feel the joy that most people would feel right now. I want to be excited and appreciate this gift that I've worked so hard to get. I swore I wouldn't be like this. I never, ever expected to be so scared.

I was a blubbering mess before I even got on to the table for my ultrasound in May... and I don't want to do that again. And, I don't want to put so much stress on my baby/ies worrying about it/them right now if there's no reason for me to be all that concerned. I just need some words of wisdom from those who have done this... Something to change my perspective!

So, if you found the strength to believe... How did you do it? How can I just put the past in the past and move forward with a smile and a bit of confidence?

 

[hb1]

don't know if anything can change your perspective - it is as it is due to the losses you have suffered and the massive part of yourself, life, hopes and dreams you have invested to get here. Heck - if it were something more trivial that you really wanted and worked hard for you would probably still stress over that - this isn't trivial - it's your baby/ies and all your experiences to date have left you grieving - that is hard on anyone Megg.

You have spent a lot of time being very strong for a lot of ladies on here - but when it's your own worries it's so much harder - but everyone is here for you and are ready to support you during what is probably the scariest time for all of us.

I know I stressed and had lots of wobbles particularly early on and my early scans and 12 week scan were scary - my heart was going like the clappers going in to them. I know that as my loss was a 1st tri loss that as I have gotten further along it has gotten easier - still have the odd wobble but generally tons better.

hx

 

[sequeena]

I dunno Megg, sometimes I feel confident and others I feel terrible. I'm dreading my 12 week scan

 

[Megg33k]

So, it can't be stopped basically? LOL I gathered that might be the case, but a girl can dream! I guess we can only do our best... Its just so hard when it feels like my best isn't good enough.

 

[hb1]

You can try being all logical and looking at the fact that your chances of this pregnancy being successful are far better than it not - and I guess you love statistics

It's just that that silly emotional side is still there and with the hormones racing around right now it's likely these worries will still surface.

I always say - when you get those moments of being happily excited about this little life growing inside you - do hold on to that feeling and enjoy those moments. And when you are scared and imagining the worst - try not to dwell - or come on here for a rant

hx

 

[Megg33k]

I do rant well! I'm SO good at that! LOL

Yes, I'm a statistics girl. And, they help a bit. I mean, my chance of success with IUI was low, and it didn't work. My chance of success with ICSI was high, and it did work. The stats are working for me right now. Maybe that's the answer at the moment!

Honestly, damn those betas. I wish I'd only gotten the 134 and not the previous #. I could be very happy about 134.

 

[tinybutterfly]

i was always worrying something was wrong untill i felt baby move on most days.
i lived from scan to scan, from milestone to milestone and all i could do was just hope all was still fine.
those first 12 weeks seemed to last forever!!!

i doubt ppl like us can really enjoy our pregnancies like ppl who never had a loss. i remember how excited i was the first time i got pregnant, i haven't really felt like that anymore, i know too much now.

those dreams are horrible, i remember, after our 12 week scan, i was happy for a few days,
then i had a nightmare where i dreamed our baby was exploding in my tummy and the doctors blamed me for it, it was sooo AWFUL and my happiness from the "all is fine" scan was gone!
luckily, a good week later i felt the first few kicks, it helped me through the wait for the 16w scan.


hhhmmm yeah, i'm afraid the answer is "nothing much we can do about it"

 

[heva510]

Hi megg firstly big hugs and congrats on bfp, As for being brave enough to start believing, does it ever happen, I have worriedand cried my way through these 14 wks the worry never goes even after 7 scans I still can't believe it's going to happen, but we have to get. Through and I have found taking one day at a time helps xx

 

[Megg33k]

As long as I'm not the only one, then I think maybe I can live with the fear. Its helps to see how advanced your tickers are... Pessimism vs prophecy is difficult for me! I guess I should accept that I'm no psychic, but I am a pessimist. LOL

 

[fluffyblue]

Hi Megg, sorry you are feeling this way, be it one loss or 5 like mine I dont think there is any enjoyment left in early pregnancy any more. I worried sick every day from my BFP to this day as well. I suppose the care got better i got but at the end of the day no matter what care you have mother nature must take care of whats inside.

My first scan with this baby highlighted a misdiagnosed ectopic if you remember and we didnt even bat an eyelid about losing it as we expected it, now thats not enjoyment of pregnancy is it !

Maybe it will be maybe it wont who knows hun i dont think anyone can tell you that its gonna be ok if they could how would we feel if it went wrong, would we blame them? I dreaded every scan, every appointment etc - i felt that at each one I was going to be told those words "im sorry......" till in the end I cancelled all the scans and let nature take its course.

I really really hope you get through this Megg with both your emotions and mind in tact but believe me there wont be a day go by where you wont feel less than positive and thats not me being down on pregnancy thats coming from someone who has been there...

Love H xx

 

[Pippin]

After the first scan I felt much better and as much as I wish we could say something to help only time will ease your worries. Instead try to focus on positive things. Do something nice for yourself each day, even if it's doing your nails, cooking your favourite meal or watching your favourite film. These things will help you relax and pass the time. It's all you can do now is to keep calm and patiently tick the days off. Just think you've done 7 odd already, another 7 or so and you can get to see a potential bean. Focus on short term goals and the long ones get here before you know it. xxxx

 

[Megg33k]

Hi Megg, sorry you are feeling this way, be it one loss or 5 like mine I dont think there is any enjoyment left in early pregnancy any more. I worried sick every day from my BFP to this day as well. I suppose the care got better i got but at the end of the day no matter what care you have mother nature must take care of whats inside.

My first scan with this baby highlighted a misdiagnosed ectopic if you remember and we didnt even bat an eyelid about losing it as we expected it, now thats not enjoyment of pregnancy is it !

Maybe it will be maybe it wont who knows hun i dont think anyone can tell you that its gonna be ok if they could how would we feel if it went wrong, would we blame them? I dreaded every scan, every appointment etc - i felt that at each one I was going to be told those words "im sorry......" till in the end I cancelled all the scans and let nature take its course.

I really really hope you get through this Megg with both your emotions and mind in tact but believe me there wont be a day go by where you wont feel less than positive and thats not me being down on pregnancy thats coming from someone who has been there...

Love H xx

I totally understand what you're saying. I know you're not being negative about pregnancy... I get 100% what you mean. And, I do very well remember the ectopic scare in the beginning for you.

If I can have even 1 positive scan, I keep thinking I might be able to relax a little bit. Its just knowing that I've NEVER had anything good come from an ultrasound that makes me so scared of it happening again.

After the first scan I felt much better and as much as I wish we could say something to help only time will ease your worries. Instead try to focus on positive things. Do something nice for yourself each day, even if it's doing your nails, cooking your favourite meal or watching your favourite film. These things will help you relax and pass the time. It's all you can do now is to keep calm and patiently tick the days off. Just think you've done 7 odd already, another 7 or so and you can get to see a potential bean. Focus on short term goals and the long ones get here before you know it. xxxx

Short term goals are good. I think I'll be okay if I get through the next couple of days. I'm leaving to see family on Thur evening... and I'll be gone through Sun or Mon. Then, I'll just have a few days to get through before my scan. Its the next 2 days and the last 4 that I'm worried will drive me nuts! LOL

I even tested again today because I was sure it would be negative! It wasn't!

 

[#1onway]

It is awful and scary and extremely hard to be brave. It didnt matter what anyone said to me in the early days i couldnt believe that it would be ok. But now i'm 27 weeks and hoping its 3rd time lucky

I think your break sounds like a great distraction, maybe plan something for a couple of days after you return then it will be your scan before you know it. Best of luck and i have my fingerscrossed that this time everything will work out x

 

[Megg33k]

Well, if I keep sleeping like I have been, then I won't need to plan anything. I think I've slept just about all day. That's one way to pass the time!

 

[goddess25]

Megg firstly Congratulations and I really hope this is it for you. Everything is in your favour.
Just remember we know exactly what your going through. Both my losses were in the first tri and unfortunately I think for us ladies, we will never get to enjoy a pregnancy like normal women who have never experienced a loss. I find that for me I would spend one day oh so positive and feeling pretty good to being a bit of a mess the next day just waiting for something bad to happen. I was on constant knicker watch and would just go to the bathroom several times a day just to wipe and see what is there.

So basically you just have to enjoy the good days and try not to dwell on the bad days too much but when they happen you know that there are lots of women here who know what you are going through and there is always someone online to chat with. Once you get past the dates of your previous losses and you make little milestones it all starts to get a bit easier, don't get me wrong you still worry about other things happening at that point but you do start to relax a bit.

 

[Megg33k]

Funny you'd say that about getting past the dates of my previous losses... The furthest I ever got (growth-wise) was 5+2. We didn't find that out until 11 weeks... but saw a GS measuring 5+2, no YS, no FP. So, today is sort of that day! Its no wonder I'm such a terrible mess right now! LOL

Sadly, I'm still testing to see that those little lines still say I'm pregnant! And, even using cheap tests that take forever to get a good line, I was able to see a great difference between yesterday and today. I'm so darn proud of my little bean/s... Its given me some confidence back! I can't help myself... I have to show off... Today's test is on top... They were taken about 32 hours apart! I take it as a good sign that something good is still going on in there! Its the darkest line I've ever seen on this brand of test, including the test I took after my trigger shot for IUI (with blood level somewhere between 1500-3000). It doesn't look as dark until you click to make it bigger. But, those of you who remember the problems I've had with urine tests in the past will be impressed! LOL

 

[Tulip]

You wanna see an advanced ticker do I thought I'd pop in with mine

It's hard babes... You've seen me stress up until the day I had him. It'll get easier once you have that successful ultrasound but it'll always be there. On the other hand, we'll always be here too, to reassure you xxx

 

[Megg33k]

You wanna see an advanced ticker do I thought I'd pop in with mine

It's hard babes... You've seen me stress up until the day I had him. It'll get easier once you have that successful ultrasound but it'll always be there. On the other hand, we'll always be here too, to reassure you xxx

That is an advanced ticker, I must admit! And the ultrasound pic as your avatar is REALLY clear... AND IN COLOR! Thanks, Nik! I'll probably take you up on the reassurance more than you hope I will!

 

[Tulip]

 

[Aerdrie]

Hey Megg! Seeing your status for the first time last night had me in tears, I'm so happy for you. Totally empathise with where you're at though. I couldn't deal with any of it after I got my BFP.

Like if I even said it out a loud I would get emotionally attached and I just couldn't. 5 Scans and almost 17wks later I am SLOWLY (like seriously slowly) beginning to allow myself to feel anything except scared.

I felt almost cheated, I so much wanted that excited, but I was too scared. We all have experienced huge trauma and the scars are fresher than you realize. I feel in a sense like I've lost my innocence.

I just kept really really busy and tried to avoid the baby topic at all costs. I probably missed out but it kept me (relatively!) sane!