Best approach with an 8 yo

[hayz_baby]

We regularly look after my nephew who is 8. It's usually for the whole weekend. Although technically related to my oh I have known him since he was 2 and been a constant in his life as well as his older sister.
My question is what's normal for tantrums for his age?it seems that he sulks so easily and when he is like that he just doesn't say anything doesn't look and refuses to take part even if it is something I know he will enjoy. Sometimes I feel it can b a little silly, I think he does have some emotional issues tho. I guess I also would like some tips if poss as we usually try to defuse but if that's not working (which it usually doesn't) we tend to ignore.
Ill use today as an example. We went to a nice family pub right by a lake today as it was his grandads treat. He asked if he could use a bmx whilst at the lake. We had no issues until we went to put it in the car. We physically couldn't fit it in, so we apologised and explained to him. By the time we got there he wasn't saying anything, we asked what he wanted for lunch and he refused to choose, it was usual kids choice menu for a treat so chips burgers fishfingers etc, he absolutely refused to choose. I was trying to explain to him that I can't help him if he doesn't explain to me and if he wants to deviate slightly from the menu we can ask and see what we can do.no answer. My oh tried talking to him. No answer. Eventually we decided to choose for him. He barely ate any of it but I explained he needed to eat more and that he wouldn't be able to play a game until he has eaten a certain amount. (Nothing large a fish finger and a few more chips) he did eat and seemed to b ok. After the meal we walked around the lake for a little bit, we had brought the scooter but there was only one so explained he would share with his sister. When the swap came he wasn't happy, at this point we ignored as he had decided to walk slowly, although we always kept him within sight we carried on walking till we got to the car. He seems ok for now.
I guess we are learning on the job, he sister is more easy going then he is, I guess id like to know what more experienced mums do when these sort of situations rise and tell me it is normal for him to act like this.
These situations happen quite regularly when he is here and he has always acted like this since I have known him. We always try and b fair and explain but that never seems to make a difference.
Thanks! X

 

[Noodlebear]

I think this is fairly normal tbh, unbelievably frustrating though!! My youngest brother is only 11 and has silly moments like this. His most recent one was that my mum wanted to treat everyone to the cinema and dinner, he was all up for it until he realised that we'd be getting back pretty late and he wouldn't be able to go out and play with his mates. What followed was the biggest sulk you have ever seen, regardless of the fact that he had just been taken to the cinema and was about to be given a pizza! We just let him get on with it, the more you try and talk him out of it/tell him he's being silly the more angry he gets. When we ignore him he eventually gets bored and snaps out of it, especially if he thinks he's going to miss out on something lol. x

 

[suzib76]

I would just ignore it. He is sulking because his bike couldn't come. If it were mine and they refused to order they would go without and be left to get over the sulk. I never give any attention to huffs

 

[hayz_baby]

Thanks I guess it can b a big jump from a 2 yo to a 2yo an 8yo and a 10yo so there's a big diff iykwim, it's nice to know we are doing similar to what most parents do in these situations.

 

[Warby]

Yes, seems pretty normal. He sounds like he is a sensitive kid.

This is pure speculation, and I know that you are a loving and kind auntie, but I wonder if he feels a bit like things are shaken up a bit when he spends the weekend with you. While I am sure he enjoys his time with you, maybe he is a bit unsettled by the change in setting and in routine. He doesn't know what to expect. Then, when plans change suddenly (like the bike not fitting in the car so not being able to go biking after all), he feels that things are even more Uncertain.

My oldest son is like that. He appreciates a predictable, structured routine and doesn't react well to unexpected changes. Just the way he is hard wired.

 

[OmarsMum]

My cousin who's 7 is the same, he visits us frequently. I just ignore him. He's very sensitive & doesn't cope well with change in plans. DS who's almost 4 is also sensitive, so I'm used to this behaviour.

My aunt tries to explain & she's kind of scared of his behaviour so she tries to make him feel better but it never works. She makes empty promises to make him feel better like promising him to buy him a toy next day or taking him to the movies. She has 4 kids & according to her he's the most difficult one. He's her 3rd child. But she's always been soft with him,

Does he act the same at home? How does his mum react in similar situations?

With DS I try from now to correct his behaviour, if he acts in a similar way I ignore him, & I don't discuss his irritation on spot as I know when he's frustrated he will not listen. But at home when he's in a better mood, we talk about it & he promises not to act this way next time.

 

[Larkspur]

This might be totally off the mark as I actually don't have an older kid (just intrigued by the thread name and came along to have a nosey) but the general parenting approach (RIE) I follow is really big on acknowledging kids' feelings as a way of working with them.

I think often we try to explain things to kids but don't acknowledge them, if you know what I mean? Like, "I'm really sorry, but we just can't fit the bike in." And then we sort of ignore their feelings around it, or want them to move on.

Have you (you may well have) tried really acknowledging his feelings and sympathising when he's acting up like this? Like, "You really wanted to go BMXing and you feel very disappointed and angry that you can't now. You don't want to talk to us because you're so mad. That's okay. I understand that you're upset. It's hard when you can't do something you really want to. If you want to talk to us about it, you can." Do you think that might get through to him somehow?

 

[Noodlebear]

I think that's really great in theory. Speaking from my experience with my brother that always lead to more tears, tantrums and 'but why?' Of course when they start off just being upset you try and resolve it but for us he would drag it passed that point into just sulking and that can go on and on for quite a while. I don't think he could really get his head round the fact that we understood his feelings but he still wasn't getting his own way iykwim? He just thought we were doing x, y and z for no reason.

Obviously there were times when that was effective but you have to be careful not to play into their hands too much, at the end of the day this is bad behaviour from a child who is old enough to know that. Everyone gets upset but to give too much attention to someone acting like that in order to 'manipulate' (not in a vindictive way of course) and have all eyes on them is a bit counterproductive sometimes imo. It was probably more effective to address the issue once he'd snapped out of it x

 

[OmarsMum]

This might be totally off the mark as I actually don't have an older kid (just intrigued by the thread name and came along to have a nosey) but the general parenting approach (RIE) I follow is really big on acknowledging kids' feelings as a way of working with them.

I think often we try to explain things to kids but don't acknowledge them, if you know what I mean? Like, "I'm really sorry, but we just can't fit the bike in." And then we sort of ignore their feelings around it, or want them to move on.

Have you (you may well have) tried really acknowledging his feelings and sympathising when he's acting up like this? Like, "You really wanted to go BMXing and you feel very disappointed and angry that you can't now. You don't want to talk to us because you're so mad. That's okay. I understand that you're upset. It's hard when you can't do something you really want to. If you want to talk to us about it, you can." Do you think that might get through to him somehow?

I tried it, I'm all for direction, consequence & understanding feelings. Omar is highly sensitive we have a huge thread in parenting group for kids similar to him. Trying to explain to him & showing him that I understand during a tantrum made things worse for us, I used it until he was 3 years, but it was a hit or miss & it depends on the situation. When I just leave it to him & let him get his frustration out without interfering (just ignoring it), he forgets about it after he's done with his tantrum & he move on to something else. We leave the talking until later when he's in a good mood. Talking to him when he's frustrated used to add to his frustration.

Kids are different, it's a good approach in theory but it doesn't always work. Since we started to ignore tantrums, he started to throw them less frequently, so it seems that ignoring it works better than showing him empathy & understanding. xx

 

[hayz_baby]

Thank you very much for all your insights. It's good to read about different approaches and I'm sure there are plenty of ways we could improve. It's a bit of a shock to go from a 2yo to an 8yo and 10yo! We have been regularly looking after him now for a year roughly every 4 weeks. Without going into too much detail due to this bein an open thread there had been many issues in the past. Which is part of the reason why I believe he has some problems dealing with his emotions. (Not saying its a bad thing iykwim) I have been in his life since he was 2 and had always acted the same way. I probably never handled it well before (young and at the time no children) I always try my best to do what I feel is right as I love them both. It's good to see that other children act similar way tho as its probably worse in my head. Thanks again x

 

[FeistyMom]

My 6 yr old can sulk as well, and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. Lately she's gotten mouthy (to be fair that is almost certainly a genetic link to me), and we're a bit baffled on what to do. So far explaining and cajoling have made it totally worse (she's at least communicating enough to say directly to me, "Mommy I WOULD calm down but you keep talking and making it WORSE"). Now we're working on the 'ignore it as long as it isn't impacting anyone else'. If her behavior DOES impact others, one of us takes her to her room or other removed location, where we inform her that she is welcome to join us as soon as she has calmed herself down and is ready to be polite.

It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job of dealing with the sulks so far!

 

[JASMAK]

Totally normal. I hope I dont sound critical, but it sounds like you were way too nice. He wasn't behaving by not choosing and he was being a pain in the arse! My kid would have got a good lecture and a choice to behave and choose, or sulk alone in the car. My son is 10....and he can be a real pain sometimes, but most of the time, he is good. Don't let him get away with it! Tell him what you expect, and then he can follow the rules.

 

[hayz_baby]

Totally normal. I hope I dont sound critical, but it sounds like you were way too nice. He wasn't behaving by not choosing and he was being a pain in the arse! My kid would have got a good lecture and a choice to behave and choose, or sulk alone in the car. My son is 10....and he can be a real pain sometimes, but most of the time, he is good. Don't let him get away with it! Tell him what you expect, and then he can follow the rules.

Don't apologise for being critical it's what I'm looking for! It's like getting thrown in the deep end at times as I'm only really used to dealing with a 2yo!
I guess coz it is my nephew and not my son it is different to how I would probably handle it if it was my lo doing it. I also guess because we see them roughly every 4 weeks we always try and make it a nice weekend.
Thanks for your input tho! X

 

[JASMAK]

Totally normal. I hope I dont sound critical, but it sounds like you were way too nice. He wasn't behaving by not choosing and he was being a pain in the arse! My kid would have got a good lecture and a choice to behave and choose, or sulk alone in the car. My son is 10....and he can be a real pain sometimes, but most of the time, he is good. Don't let him get away with it! Tell him what you expect, and then he can follow the rules.

Don't apologise for being critical it's what I'm looking for! It's like getting thrown in the deep end at times as I'm only really used to dealing with a 2yo!
I guess coz it is my nephew and not my son it is different to how I would probably handle it if it was my lo doing it. I also guess because we see them roughly every 4 weeks we always try and make it a nice weekend.
Thanks for your input tho! X

I see what your saying, but you also dont want him to walk all over you! Nothing wring with expecting respect.