Birth disappointment? How did you deal with people's reactions?

[aragornlover8]

If any of you who have had c-sections have had to deal with birth disappointment, how did you deal with people's comments about it? I have a friend who is having her first baby. She's going natural/home birth route, which I would love to do but have never been able to due to being high risk. She means well but doesn't seem to understand (not that I really expect her to) what I'm going through. I was so hopeful for a VBAC this time, but my PIH came back so I will be having a c-section on Friday. I've basically come to terms with it, and I am looking forward to finally meeting my baby, but I still can't watch things like sitcom tv births where people have the whole water breaks/contractions/pushing that comes with a vaginal birth. Today, she asked me how my appointment went. I said that there hasn't been any progress so I likely will still have my c section on Friday. She replied with, "Too bad." To me, it's more than a "too bad." It's a kind of quiet acceptance/disappointment. I can't quite explain how I feel. And it would be impossible for someone who isn't high risk to really understand, I guess.

I'm not mad at my friend. But it's hard to find the words to respond to people. My mom keeps telling me , "Oh, but what matters is you will have a healthy baby." And I understand that. I want a healthy baby more than anything. But I also really wanted a natural birth. I don't feel like it's wrong to be disappointed. I know people are trying to help. I have just gotten to the point where I don't want to discuss it, but they keep bringing it up.

I'm hoping this makes sense... And that I'm posting on the right forum. I'm just kind of exhausted and sad. Putting a brave face on for my husband. He's tired of me being sad and not being able to do anything about it.

 

[muffingirl]

I know exactly what you mean. I had pih with my daughter & ended up with an emcs. One person actually joked i was too posh to push! It was a joke but hurtful as I really wanted a natural birth like her. I was very disappointed as my birth experience was a million miles from what I expected. It has got easier but I still feel sad about it. I think you shouldn't feel bad that you feel disappointed, be kind to yourself xx

 

[aragornlover8]

Thank you. I'm sorry your birth experience didn't go as planned either. My birth with my daughter was a mess. Off and on labor with pitocin for two days with no progress. I ended up with a c section because they had manually broken my water and I didn't have much longer to try, and her heart rate had started to drop a little during contractions. It took me a little while to get over that disappointment. I'm afraid it might take longer this time. But it does help to know that it's okay to feel disappointed.

here's hoping we both heal with time!

 

[Lizzybee]

I know how You feel. I wanted a home birth but after 17 hours and no progress I had emcs. I was devastated. At first I felt I had to explain everything to everyone. They would say never mind. I felt a fraud when others said well done. For what? U didn't do anything.
My oh even joked with people that I'd done nothing! That's his sense of humour and it wounded have been funny if I wasn't hormonal. I couldn't stand the pity. Now I don't tell people. I'm still sad but they don't need to remind me.

 

[aragornlover8]

I know how You feel. I wanted a home birth but after 17 hours and no progress I had emcs. I was devastated. At first I felt I had to explain everything to everyone. They would say never mind. I felt a fraud when others said well done. For what? U didn't do anything.
My oh even joked with people that I'd done nothing! That's his sense of humour and it wounded have been funny if I wasn't hormonal. I couldn't stand the pity. Now I don't tell people. I'm still sad but they don't need to remind me.

I'm sorry your birth experience didn't go as planned either.

I feel the same way after Alexandra, and I feel like it's going to be even moreso this time. I mean I won't even get the labor part this time. Just go in, get the epidural, have the surgery, go back to my room. It just feels like it's going to be surreal. Like I'm going to go from not having a baby to having one in a matter of minutes. I'm terrified they're going to hand me my baby and I'm not going to feel anything... That sounds horrible, I know. It's so hard to explain.

 

[SRTBaby]

Everyone I talk too seem to have this perfect home births and they rub them in.

 

[Lizzybee]

I feel the same way after Alexandra, and I feel like it's going to be even moreso this time. I mean I won't even get the labor part this time. Just go in, get the epidural, have the surgery, go back to my room. It just feels like it's going to be surreal. Like I'm going to go from not having a baby to having one in a matter of minutes. I'm terrified they're going to hand me my baby and I'm not going to feel anything... That sounds horrible, I know. It's so hard to explain.

It doesn't sound horrible, its the truth about how you feel. I didn't feel anything for hours. It comes though, I'm sure you know. And yes we have healthy babies but we don't feel that sense of achievement. Natural births on TV make me cry too.
You'll get there, just tell unhelpful commenters where to go. They will always think they can have an opinion. If anything though this has taught me how to talk to others in situations like this.

 

[sept10]

What about the achievement of carrying a baby for 9 months or coping with major abdominal surgery then immediately being handed a baby to look after instead or resting like any other person after surgery!! Seriously we put such a downer on ourselves!! Pushing a baby out is no more of an achievement then any of those other things but we hold it in such higher regard for some reason, having a vaginal delivery is more about things totally out of your control anyway!! Think we just put too much pressure on ourselves as women....if men had to give birth they'd be more proud of their c section scars and talking about the latest surgical techniques and pain relief options...having had 1 section and possibly another coming up I know its not the easy option and although you may not feel the immediate connection with your baby it does grow and you work all the harder for it!!

Anyone who thinks you failed cause you had a section is an idiot not worth your time. Whatever the reason for your section its your baby and your body!! Be proud!!

 

[Lizzybee]

Everyone I talk too seem to have this perfect home births and they rub them in.

Yep I know what you mean.

 

[Lizzybee]

Sept10 you are right but sometimes it's hard to feel that way.

 

[sept10]

I've had a long time to get my head around it lizzybee! I really struggled with breastfeeding and part of the reason I kept going with it was cause I thought my c section was a failure so no way was I failing at that too....if it wasn't for that I probably would've given up on breastfeeding so in a way I'm gratefull for the failure feeling but it went within weeks as the bond I had and still have with my boy is so strong. Hope you get your head around it soon too as there are many challenges ahead!! Hugs x

 

[x__amour]

I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they've been in the situation. I had an EMCS and a failed VBAC/ELCS. The EMCS was a nightmare and nobody understood why I wanted a VBAC so badly. After that failed and I had my ELCS, I was feeling better than with the 1st but still sad because I will never have a vaginal birth. I have had a few insensitive comments but I just ignore them.

 

[Foogirl]

What about the achievement of carrying a baby for 9 months or coping with major abdominal surgery then immediately being handed a baby to look after instead or resting like any other person after surgery!!

Yeah, I didn't have any of those "achievements" either. I guess I'm just a complete failure as a mother.

 

[sept10]

Foogirl I wasn't saying you have to do those things to not be failure. The point I was trying to make was that its not all about having a vaginal birth or about any other one single thing either. We all go through lots of different experiences and the only person who can make us feel like a failure is ourselves.

 

[Foogirl]

Foogirl I wasn't saying you have to do those things to not be failure. The point I was trying to make was that its not all about having a vaginal birth or about any other one single thing either. We all go through lots of different experiences and the only person who can make us feel like a failure is ourselves.

Indeed. And the point I was making is, it's very easy for someone who hasn't been in a situation to say something which is well meant, but is actually really quite offensive to somebody who is in a different situation. You meant well and most people would agree with your comments. But to a preemie mum, being robbed of those things can be horrific. It's easy to say we should just not feel that way but to be honest for the first few months, I was a complete and utter failure as a mother and comments like this would only serve to solidify that position. And I'm a rational, logical, sensible person. On the one hand I knew it was ridiculous to feel that way, but on the other hand, I just did feel that way.

Having said all that, I never once held a grudge against people for saying some of the most offensive, downright insensitive and thoughtless comments around my situation. I know that not one of them had spoken with malice and in fact I was just glad they didn't understand because that meant they hadn't experienced it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

All I'm saying to folks here is; don't be too down on people who say the wrong thing about your situation because I absolutely guarantee you either will have, or will do, something similar when you are on the other side of the story. You will mean well but you'll put your foot in it. People generally are well meaning and are only trying to make you feel better.

 

[sept10]

Totally agree with that x

 

[cherrylips100]

I had a scheduled csec and really do wish I'd have gotten to experience labour and natural delivery, but I know the image in my head has been romanticized by tv and magazines etc. I haven't really had many comments other than a couple of people beforehand saying they wish they'd had one! I do always point out that six weeks of pain and been bedridden for 24 hours is far from being a walk in the park. I am quite proud of my csec and you should all be too. Our bodies have been through more than usual and we're still here.

 

[disneydarling]

I feel exactly the same. I spent my entire pregnancy looking forward to giving birth (I'd planned a water birth) and I was so excited to push my baby out. I had an emergency c-section because of failure to progress (and my baby was in an awkward position) and even though it was a year ago it still upsets me every time I think about it.

I feel like a failure, and when ever I hear people going on about how amazing their natural birth was it really hurts me. They think I took the easy way out, and it absolutely wasn't easy at all

 

[capricorn1]

I had this serene image of a water birth in my head when pregnant with DD1. I found out at 37 weeks at a visit to the midwife-led birthing unit for a check as I thought my waters had been leaking that I couldn't actually give birth there due to the medication I was on - thank you community midwives for not pointing this out to me .

As it turned out when I did go into labour a week later, baby was breach so I had an EMCS. To be honest I felt relief .... I was 6cm by this point and had had no pain relief and I had been sure the baby was breach due to where I would feel kicks etc... but was always told baby was head down and being a first time mum I just thought that they must be right.

For me I didn't really feel a huge amount of disappointment at having an EMCS, but I can understand why other people would.

The ONLY person who ever said anything unkind or untoward to me was actually my own mother unbelievably. I hadn't felt the baby come out so I wasn't a real mother.... erm nooo I carried a baby, had a baby and am now sitting in front of you holding my child, I am a mother. Would she rather I gave birth the normal route and the baby died? I asked ... silence was the answer.

I agree with previous posts though, the vast majority of people don't mean to offend.
xxx

 

[Lizzybee]

I've had a long time to get my head around it lizzybee! I really struggled with breastfeeding and part of the reason I kept going with it was cause I thought my c section was a failure so no way was I failing at that too....if it wasn't for that I probably would've given up on breastfeeding so in a way I'm gratefull for the failure feeling but it went within weeks as the bond I had and still have with my boy is so strong. Hope you get your head around it soon too as there are many challenges ahead!! Hugs x

I've been breast feeding for 10 weeks now for the same reason. I will not give up on that as I won't fail everything!