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I hope I dont bore too much and people read all of this. Its very important that I get it off my chest and that im not judged. The more support I get the better and also doing this in the hope people are understanding and have gone through this too. I wouldnt wish this on anyone but it would make me feel Im not alone and its normal.
I have four children, the first is my SS (11), he lives with us all the time, my first bxc m xck;jcipkckcfcfsusddudrn son is 4 this month, my daughter just turned one a week ago and my other daughter was 5 weeks on tues. I had the baby blues with my other 2 but nothing severe lasted a couple of days and then went. So lots of things contributed to what happened I will go through them and tell you my birth story which is the only good part. I was induced at term plus 7 with my other children. With my one year old I had a feeling Ii would be early but nope I wasnt. So all the way through I was adamant this one wouldnt be early. I found out when my daughter was 12 weeks old I was pregnant again, this wasnt planned. I came round in the end and really felt I bonded with her when she was kicking and all the scans. It didnt help people and friends would make comments in the street some people would even say if you could do your time again would you not have her or get rid of her
So anyway I had an even rougher pregnancy with this one than my other daughter. headaches constant, heartburn, spd, nausea, vomiting, back pain, belly ache you name it I had it. My friends on here said I would go early on what I was explaining to them.
so heres my birth story:
At my 37 week check I was 39 weeks which had never happened before I always measured small. Did the usual stuff at my 38 week appointment checked positon, babys heartbeat etc everything fine they thought she was breech at 37 weeks so I got to have a late scan which I had never had before which was fab
I started taken raspberry leaf tea as my sister had and she started off so may have just been co-incidence. It kept on given me contractions through the night but then they would just stop. I had lots of pressure low down for days so I stopped taken it as was getting sick of them starting and stopping. So on the monday at my 38 week appointment previous to that I coldnt go to the loo for 6 days no matter how hard I tried I was in tears. So went to my appt explained everything and how knackered I was and if I could be induced at 39 weeks as couldnt bear to get to 39 weeks then they sent me upstairs onto the ward. they kept me there and gave me a liquid supposotorie and told me to wait til I could go. I did half an hour later to my relief then went home. They called me later and advised the consultant agreed to the inducion on the saturday at 39 weeks. So I made plans for babysitters etc and its important to explain I like being in control of situations and im a overthinker. So tuesday my mum and sister popped in and I was getting pains on and off but not really full tightenings. I sed to my mum jokingly 'I bet you I go in labour today cos I planned saturday' I never thought it would happen tho. We sorted the kids out for bed and I just coldnt get comfy, she felt low down, I couldnt sit back I couldnt sit forward I was being tetchy and was taken it out on the kids, still lots of cramp still thought nothing of it. I felt really sick and so tired so didnt bother doing my ironing for the rest if my hospital bag. 9pm settled down to watch a film between 9-9.30 still cramps but nothing out of the ordinary but they were quite painful with backache. by 9.30pm I was holding onto the fireplace and couldnt speak when was having a contraction and they were coming every 2 mins but again thought was a false alarm as had this with Olivia for 2 weeks. I even sed to hubby you just stay at home as could be a false alarm. He sed no way I called the maternity unit at 9.30pm and they sed come straight in with a bag. luckily my brother was at my mums for dinner I called her and she arrived about 9.45-9.50. I felt the need to poo in the house lots of pressure and really didnt think I was gonna make it, remembering all this with no pain relief at all. Mum picked up speed and got to the maternity ward and again I sed prob a fasle alarm. They rushed me straight to labour ward and pulled my trousers down next alot of it is a blur they gave me gas and air which I had for all of 15 mins checked me over I was 10cm dialated! They broke my waters and I started pushing. They told me to stop having the gas as I wasnt concentrating, great! lol...... within that push I stopped she was out. Afterpains were worse and I think this also contributed to the PND as I gave her straight to will after skin to skin contact. I got into labour room at 10.05pm had her at 10.19pm hubby then had to leave at 11.30pm to get back to kids. He fed her, I had no sleep that night or the two nights after.We called her Erin Mae and she was 11 days early weighing 6lbs 14oz.
What followed was not so good. Like I sed I had not severe blues for the couple of days with the other two but straight away I didnt want to be near her, couldnt bond with her and felt a depression coming over me instantly. I should be so happy I thought to myself there are some people that cant have kids and I have a perfect family 2 boys 2 girls. Through the sleep depravation I had a thought of wanting to harm her this then got worse when I got home with my 1 year old getting up through the night. What annoy
s me is im sickened when I hear of people harming children whats wrong with me. I knew even then I was of sound mind and I would never do anything I was thinking but the fact it was in my head hurt so much and I would try and think of good thoughts to make them go away so I had thi and the heavy depression which I hid from everyone for a while as was too embarassed to admit it. Also my hubby was abused as a child. This went on for a week where I swayed from hating her, to wanting to harm her to worrying that I would harm her by accident I would hide knives, walk passed a carrier bag and have this image of her suffocating, dropping or throwing her it was terrible. I would bawl all the time and lay on the sofa and just sleep not get dressed and not eat. I thought enough was enough so went to the docs but didnt say the bit about wanting to harm her and burst into tears. He prescribed me citolopram which Ive been on for nearly 5 weeks now best thing I ever did, couldnt leave it any longer. Didnt care if I was depressed but my childs safety meant everything to me. The side affects for 3-4 weeks were terrible, I literally didnt eat for 3-4 weeks, migraines, panic attacks I was also getting them before even took the mdeicstion but they got worse, sweats, shakes, hallucinations. You name it I had it, I still get the odd daily sweats now but not as severe. Very tired sleeping all day and all night not wanting to do anything. After being on them a couple of days I admitted to hubby the extent and he was so supportive and him and health visitors have put it down to inbalance of hormones, shock of quick delivery and early and how she wasnt planned and the fact I overthink and wanted a diagnosis so I started to believe I had this 'postnatal pyschosis' but they belive I dont have it. I still feel slightly down think the tabs take 6 weeks to take affect but the harming thoughts are going. I would think what kind of mother am I, even thought to take my own life to make her safe, awful!
I hope some managed to read all of this sorry so long. Its taken alot of guts to write this so please dont judge me.
Shona xxx
I have four children, the first is my SS (11), he lives with us all the time, my first bxc m xck;jcipkckcfcfsusddudrn son is 4 this month, my daughter just turned one a week ago and my other daughter was 5 weeks on tues. I had the baby blues with my other 2 but nothing severe lasted a couple of days and then went. So lots of things contributed to what happened I will go through them and tell you my birth story which is the only good part. I was induced at term plus 7 with my other children. With my one year old I had a feeling Ii would be early but nope I wasnt. So all the way through I was adamant this one wouldnt be early. I found out when my daughter was 12 weeks old I was pregnant again, this wasnt planned. I came round in the end and really felt I bonded with her when she was kicking and all the scans. It didnt help people and friends would make comments in the street some people would even say if you could do your time again would you not have her or get rid of her
So anyway I had an even rougher pregnancy with this one than my other daughter. headaches constant, heartburn, spd, nausea, vomiting, back pain, belly ache you name it I had it. My friends on here said I would go early on what I was explaining to them. so heres my birth story:
At my 37 week check I was 39 weeks which had never happened before I always measured small. Did the usual stuff at my 38 week appointment checked positon, babys heartbeat etc everything fine they thought she was breech at 37 weeks so I got to have a late scan which I had never had before which was fab
I started taken raspberry leaf tea as my sister had and she started off so may have just been co-incidence. It kept on given me contractions through the night but then they would just stop. I had lots of pressure low down for days so I stopped taken it as was getting sick of them starting and stopping. So on the monday at my 38 week appointment previous to that I coldnt go to the loo for 6 days no matter how hard I tried I was in tears. So went to my appt explained everything and how knackered I was and if I could be induced at 39 weeks as couldnt bear to get to 39 weeks then they sent me upstairs onto the ward. they kept me there and gave me a liquid supposotorie and told me to wait til I could go. I did half an hour later to my relief then went home. They called me later and advised the consultant agreed to the inducion on the saturday at 39 weeks. So I made plans for babysitters etc and its important to explain I like being in control of situations and im a overthinker. So tuesday my mum and sister popped in and I was getting pains on and off but not really full tightenings. I sed to my mum jokingly 'I bet you I go in labour today cos I planned saturday' I never thought it would happen tho. We sorted the kids out for bed and I just coldnt get comfy, she felt low down, I couldnt sit back I couldnt sit forward I was being tetchy and was taken it out on the kids, still lots of cramp still thought nothing of it. I felt really sick and so tired so didnt bother doing my ironing for the rest if my hospital bag. 9pm settled down to watch a film between 9-9.30 still cramps but nothing out of the ordinary but they were quite painful with backache. by 9.30pm I was holding onto the fireplace and couldnt speak when was having a contraction and they were coming every 2 mins but again thought was a false alarm as had this with Olivia for 2 weeks. I even sed to hubby you just stay at home as could be a false alarm. He sed no way I called the maternity unit at 9.30pm and they sed come straight in with a bag. luckily my brother was at my mums for dinner I called her and she arrived about 9.45-9.50. I felt the need to poo in the house lots of pressure and really didnt think I was gonna make it, remembering all this with no pain relief at all. Mum picked up speed and got to the maternity ward and again I sed prob a fasle alarm. They rushed me straight to labour ward and pulled my trousers down next alot of it is a blur they gave me gas and air which I had for all of 15 mins checked me over I was 10cm dialated! They broke my waters and I started pushing. They told me to stop having the gas as I wasnt concentrating, great! lol...... within that push I stopped she was out. Afterpains were worse and I think this also contributed to the PND as I gave her straight to will after skin to skin contact. I got into labour room at 10.05pm had her at 10.19pm hubby then had to leave at 11.30pm to get back to kids. He fed her, I had no sleep that night or the two nights after.We called her Erin Mae and she was 11 days early weighing 6lbs 14oz. What followed was not so good. Like I sed I had not severe blues for the couple of days with the other two but straight away I didnt want to be near her, couldnt bond with her and felt a depression coming over me instantly. I should be so happy I thought to myself there are some people that cant have kids and I have a perfect family 2 boys 2 girls. Through the sleep depravation I had a thought of wanting to harm her
this then got worse when I got home with my 1 year old getting up through the night. What annoys me is im sickened when I hear of people harming children whats wrong with me. I knew even then I was of sound mind and I would never do anything I was thinking but the fact it was in my head hurt so much and I would try and think of good thoughts to make them go away so I had thi and the heavy depression which I hid from everyone for a while as was too embarassed to admit it. Also my hubby was abused as a child. This went on for a week where I swayed from hating her, to wanting to harm her to worrying that I would harm her by accident
I would hide knives, walk passed a carrier bag and have this image of her suffocating, dropping or throwing her it was terrible. I would bawl all the time and lay on the sofa and just sleep not get dressed and not eat. I thought enough was enough so went to the docs but didnt say the bit about wanting to harm her and burst into tears. He prescribed me citolopram which Ive been on for nearly 5 weeks now best thing I ever did, couldnt leave it any longer. Didnt care if I was depressed but my childs safety meant everything to me. The side affects for 3-4 weeks were terrible, I literally didnt eat for 3-4 weeks, migraines, panic attacks I was also getting them before even took the mdeicstion but they got worse, sweats, shakes, hallucinations. You name it I had it, I still get the odd daily sweats now but not as severe. Very tired sleeping all day and all night not wanting to do anything. After being on them a couple of days I admitted to hubby the extent and he was so supportive and him and health visitors have put it down to inbalance of hormones, shock of quick delivery and early and how she wasnt planned and the fact I overthink and wanted a diagnosis so I started to believe I had this 'postnatal pyschosis' but they belive I dont have it. I still feel slightly down think the tabs take 6 weeks to take affect but the harming thoughts are going. I would think what kind of mother am I, even thought to take my own life to make her safe, awful!I hope some managed to read all of this sorry so long. Its taken alot of guts to write this so please dont judge me.
Shona xxx
you are one strong woman for going to get help e ven before you spoke to your husband. having a pregnancy so close to the last and running a family must of taken its toll on you.I hope the side effects calm down for you,and you have the support you need. And she is gorgeous congratulations xx
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