Birth Story :) but then followed by PND :(

[Eleanor ace]

Congratulations she's lovely, you did a great job! Never feel like your PND is something you should hide and feel guilty about- it could happen to anyone of us and you haven't caused it. You've done so well seeking help, opening up to your OH and HV's about how you're feeling, you're an awesome mummy

 

[Xanth]

Well done for sharing and I'm so glad you got help.

I had PND with Dan and it took me 6 weeks to finally admit it. I felt exactly like you did and its so hard to explain to people that haven't been through it.

Hope everything will start getting easier very soon. Xxxx

 

[wantingagirl]

Thanks everyone it makes me feel like i am not mad or a bad person. My family know I have PND but they r sweeping it under the carpet that I have baby blues I'm not stupid I know the difference but then again I didn't tell them about the thoughts and the true extent I doubt they would understand.

Michelle that makes me feel like I'm not insane that you have been through it too aswell as all the others it's funny how cos nobody speaks about it but since I've wrote this realised so many people I didn't realise have Been through it and even on same medication as me and all the bad thoughts I thought I was this really bad person and I should be locked up for her safety.

Sarah really? Did you have all the bad thoughts too like I had with Erin? Awful isn't it?

I couldn't leave it any longer than the 6 days as knew something was just not right and the thoughts were constant it was getting to the point I was I'm sound mind and knew it was wrong and didn't think I would do anything but there was that small part of me that thought should I risk it what if I do in a moment as I was hullacinating alot. Worse time of my entire life everyone would coo over and say how beautiful she was and all I would think was really? I didn't want to go near her had no interest in her would only feel comfy when I was out the house away from her and when at home felt trapped I. Can't say I hated her but just felt nothing like she wasn't even my child. I would feel v uneasy when passed babies or pregnant woman in the street and I have always cooed and been broody. 2 know that I have lost the first 6 weeks of her life saddens me and my last birth and hospital experience has been tarnished but she is healthy so that's all that matters. I feel sad and ashamed to think that I didn't care if I ever seen her again.

My other worst moment was I was really contemplating taken my own life to make her safe and that way I knew she would come to no harm. But then I thought about my other kids and how I felt about them and my husband but then again I felt selfish that I would put Erin at risk cos I love my other kids. I couldn't get my head around how I bonded more and loved my stepson more than my own child

Xxx

 

[Mummy Bean]

Congrats on your beautiful daughter...and congrats to you for seeking help, and getting through this rough time...and for sharing ur story. xx

 

[nuttynicnak]

I think you've done an amazing thing writing it down here. Nobody should judge you for that. Hope the tablets help soon without the crap side effects.

Xx

 

[Xanth]

Thanks everyone it makes me feel like i am not mad or a bad person. My family know I have PND but they r sweeping it under the carpet that I have baby blues I'm not stupid I know the difference but then again I didn't tell them about the thoughts and the true extent I doubt they would understand.

Michelle that makes me feel like I'm not insane that you have been through it too aswell as all the others it's funny how cos nobody speaks about it but since I've wrote this realised so many people I didn't realise have Been through it and even on same medication as me and all the bad thoughts I thought I was this really bad person and I should be locked up for her safety.

Sarah really? Did you have all the bad thoughts too like I had with Erin? Awful isn't it?

I couldn't leave it any longer than the 6 days as knew something was just not right and the thoughts were constant it was getting to the point I was I'm sound mind and knew it was wrong and didn't think I would do anything but there was that small part of me that thought should I risk it what if I do in a moment as I was hullacinating alot. Worse time of my entire life everyone would coo over and say how beautiful she was and all I would think was really? I didn't want to go near her had no interest in her would only feel comfy when I was out the house away from her and when at home felt trapped I. Can't say I hated her but just felt nothing like she wasn't even my child. I would feel v uneasy when passed babies or pregnant woman in the street and I have always cooed and been broody. 2 know that I have lost the first 6 weeks of her life saddens me and my last birth and hospital experience has been tarnished but she is healthy so that's all that matters. I feel sad and ashamed to think that I didn't care if I ever seen her again.

My other worst moment was I was really contemplating taken my own life to make her safe and that way I knew she would come to no harm. But then I thought about my other kids and how I felt about them and my husband but then again I felt selfish that I would put Erin at risk cos I love my other kids. I couldn't get my head around how I bonded more and loved my stepson more than my own child

Xxx

I did. I had all the bad thoughts. It was just horrible. I thought if I told someone they'd take him away. Like I said its hard to explain. On one hand you're terrified that you'll do something but then you don't want anyone to take them. I also his all the belts off my dressing gowns.

Can't explain how it messes with your head.

With Brandon I had a different version. It was post natal anxiety rather than depression. I was terrified something was going to happen to him. I couldn't carry him downstairs because I thought I was going to fall and drop him. I couldn't put him on the floor because I thought someone would trip and fall on him and I wouldn't even go in the car in case it crashed etc etc. all very exhausting.

I'm really hoping I'll do ok this time. The thought is scary.

Hope you're feeling better soon xxx don't forget you can always text me

 

[wantingagirl]

Thanks everyone it makes me feel like i am not mad or a bad person. My family know I have PND but they r sweeping it under the carpet that I have baby blues I'm not stupid I know the difference but then again I didn't tell them about the thoughts and the true extent I doubt they would understand.

Michelle that makes me feel like I'm not insane that you have been through it too aswell as all the others it's funny how cos nobody speaks about it but since I've wrote this realised so many people I didn't realise have Been through it and even on same medication as me and all the bad thoughts I thought I was this really bad person and I should be locked up for her safety.

Sarah really? Did you have all the bad thoughts too like I had with Erin? Awful isn't it?

I couldn't leave it any longer than the 6 days as knew something was just not right and the thoughts were constant it was getting to the point I was I'm sound mind and knew it was wrong and didn't think I would do anything but there was that small part of me that thought should I risk it what if I do in a moment as I was hullacinating alot. Worse time of my entire life everyone would coo over and say how beautiful she was and all I would think was really? I didn't want to go near her had no interest in her would only feel comfy when I was out the house away from her and when at home felt trapped I. Can't say I hated her but just felt nothing like she wasn't even my child. I would feel v uneasy when passed babies or pregnant woman in the street and I have always cooed and been broody. 2 know that I have lost the first 6 weeks of her life saddens me and my last birth and hospital experience has been tarnished but she is healthy so that's all that matters. I feel sad and ashamed to think that I didn't care if I ever seen her again.

My other worst moment was I was really contemplating taken my own life to make her safe and that way I knew she would come to no harm. But then I thought about my other kids and how I felt about them and my husband but then again I felt selfish that I would put Erin at risk cos I love my other kids. I couldn't get my head around how I bonded more and loved my stepson more than my own child

Xxx

I did. I had all the bad thoughts. It was just horrible. I thought if I told someone they'd take him away. Like I said its hard to explain. On one hand you're terrified that you'll do something but then you don't want anyone to take them. I also his all the belts off my dressing gowns.

Can't explain how it messes with your head.

With Brandon I had a different version. It was post natal anxiety rather than depression. I was terrified something was going to happen to him. I couldn't carry him downstairs because I thought I was going to fall and drop him. I couldn't put him on the floor because I thought someone would trip and fall on him and I wouldn't even go in the car in case it crashed etc etc. all very exhausting.

I'm really hoping I'll do ok this time. The thought is scary.

Hope you're feeling better soon xxx don't forget you can always text me

Thanks Hun.....

I think I had a bit of that and PND had the anxiety towards her and I was also having panic attacks. I was the same I was too scared incase her and the other kids were taken off me. I looked into it and went through this on my own for the first week and will was non the wiser then after I'd been to docs a couple of days later I handed him the iPad and sed please read but don't judge me. I thought he would hate me and go mad at me as like I sed he was abused as a baby and put into care.

I get you on hiding the belts. I would hide all the knives one day on my most severe panic attacks I walked passed a carrier bag and had a thought of putting it over her head I had to get out the room quick and started bawling I still hadn't told will by this point all he knew was I couldn't Bond with her and I was down. I had visions of throwing her, or dropping her by mistake or throwing her off the wall. My little baby girl

When will was in the room they were less severe than when he wasn't.

I hope this birth is anxiety and depression free Hun, wow your so far on now!

Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it's amazing what goes on what you don't know about, just really wanted to share my experience to help others and say its ok to talk about it and not everything about having a baby is all lovely this is real life. Anyone ever wants to talk you know where I am

Think that's what angered me the most it wasn't like the cooing and being totally in love straight after the birth and I'm upset that she didn't get that like the others did and she deserves it. I didn't get that either and it's my last and I will never get that time back

Xxx

 

[alex_22]

The fact that you are sharing this makes you a much better person than you think you are! Dont be ashamed pnd is a horrible thing to have and it affects a hell of a lot more woman than you probably think, have faith in yourself! You really dont give yourself enough credit being a motherfis the hardest, most stressing, tiring thing you'lloever do but my god its more than worth it your doing an amazing job and things will get easier in time, good luck to you and your family x

 

[wantingagirl]

thanks everyone your all so very sweet, I am hard on myself by nature and overthink things a little too much.

The thoughts are starting to creep back through and Im still getting quite a few down days but he wants me to try 20mg before he ups it. usually 4-6 weeks and I have been on them 7 weeks and really felt like things were well better but getting anxious and the bad thoughts are coming back quite regular, That was the one thing I was happy about they werent there anymore. Need to speak to my HV if it continues I know I wont do anything but its awful they are in my head

Im not sure if its linked but was feeling miles better so had a drink and I feel maybe the meds havent dipped but the alcohol is stopping them from working properly and giving me these side affects bad thoughts etc? What you all think.

Alex you live in sunderland I used to live in whitley bay

xxx

 

[alex_22]

Ask your dr he should know if alcohol will effect the tables I really hope things start looking up for you soon, your not a bad person for having these thoughts a bad person would act on these thoughts your doing absolutely everything you can to protect your children I think hv and doctors should be getting more help to put more money and recearch into pnd its seems to still be a taboo subject and it shouldn't be people should be able to talk openly about it without the fear of been branded a terrible mother and having their children took from them im really glad you have a good support network it must make things a little easier, give your self credit where credit is due it could help you a lot! I hope things start looking up for you real soon

I live about 10 minutes away from sunderland in seaham my mams partner is from scotland in Coatbridge he moved here a few year ago though xxx

 

[Kristine30]

Thank you for sharing your story. Very brave and no judgement here. Hope your LO is doing well and congratulations!