Birthday party dilemma

[bananaz]

FOB left when LO was 2 months old and he hasn't come to see her in over 6 months. I assumed that this was because he'd decided he wasn't interested in being part of her life, however today he messaged me out of the blue asking about her birthday party. Needless to say I am really confused. He hasn't come down to see his daughter for 6 months but he was expecting to be invited to her birthday party?!

I really don't know how to respond to him. Part of me thinks it would be mean of me to stop her dad from coming to her first birthday if he wants to, but part of me thinks he hasn't earned the right to be there and it's ridiculous for him to just pop in and out of her life like that. Not to mention the fact that having him and my family in the same room is REALLY not a good idea.

Thoughts? I wasn't planning on having a big party, it was just going to be my family and a friend or two at home.

 

[HappyAnjeL]

What a hard position for you to be in. Honestly I don't think that it would be beneficial to her to have him popping in and out of her life when it suits him. I would talk more to him and figure out his intentions.. does he seem to want to start making a serious effort to be involved in her life, or does he come across as just wanting to post a picture of him being dad of the year on facebook?

I'm close with a girl who was recently told by her ex that her current boyfriend should just be his kids dad because he is too busy to deal with them. The children are older than Elsie (2 and 5) but are very confused about it all, they don't understand why "Daddy M" doesn't love them anymore. It's absolutely heartbreaking. Thankfully her boyfriend treats them as his own!

Maybe you can meet him before or after her little party so he can see her and not deal with the family drama. I just wouldn't allow him to play himself up as daddy until he proves that he is willing to make that effort.. Until he proves himself don't allow him to seem any more important than any other co worker/friend/whatever she may meet.


I really hope everything works out for you and Elsie!

 

[HappyAnjeL]

And I just realized this is in single parents so just for the record I'm not stalking you, this was on the front page of BNB and I saw birthday dilemma and thought it was in the toddler forum!

 

[bananaz]

Thanks, I think you're right. As much as I don't want to talk to him I probably should ask what his intentions are. And no worries on the stalking

 

[Rhio92]

Tbh, I'd say no. You need to talk to him and find out what he wants, and meet him beofre or after the party if you feel his intentions are good. He can't just be involved for the fun bits.

 

[Dezireey]

I wouldn't let him go to the party. He has proved unreliable and people may say something to him or there may be an argument and he will spoil the party. If he argues with you about that, tell him he hasn't earned the right to just come to her party after not bothering to see her for months. He's gonna piss you off, i can see it happening. You are already mad with him ( understandably) and there he is at your daughters party. If he cuddles her and coos over her that might annoy you because you'll think WTF? and wonder about his motives and people will be tutting at him and raise their eyebrows. And if the idiot just goes to the party and doesn't pay any attention to your LO, that will piss you off too.

Sorry, but I see a disaster waiting to happen and he will spoil your day one way or another. If he is interested in getting to know your baby, then there is no reason why he can't do it after her birthday party and visit her like a normal Dad.

 

[blamesydney]

Sounds to me like he is no father. I don't think it would be beneficial at all for him to just pop back into your childs life. Just remember, being a sperm donor does not make you a dad, and you don't owe him anything if he hasn't done anything for you. He doesn't get to enjoy the good moments if he can't handle the bad, and odds are LO wouldn't even know who he was.

I'm sorry if this came across as mean, this just makes me so angry!

 

[bananaz]

Thanks a bunch for the responses. I agree with you ladies, but to my surprise my parents think I should let him come so now I'm even more confused LO definitely has no idea who he is at this point, she really wouldn't get any benefit from him being there except to be able to look at photos and see that he showed up.

It kind of seems like he just wants to show up in her life on holidays. Like the last time he came over it was around Christmas and he just dropped off a bunch of presents and left. He didn't even want to see her or hold her. And now I'm guessing he'll be doing the same thing for her birthday. In some weird way I think he honestly believes that he's fulfilling his obligations as a dad by showing up and giving her stuff.

 

[blamesydney]

Thanks a bunch for the responses. I agree with you ladies, but to my surprise my parents think I should let him come so now I'm even more confused LO definitely has no idea who he is at this point, she really wouldn't get any benefit from him being there except to be able to look at photos and see that he showed up.

It kind of seems like he just wants to show up in her life on holidays. Like the last time he came over it was around Christmas and he just dropped off a bunch of presents and left. He didn't even want to see her or hold her. And now I'm guessing he'll be doing the same thing for her birthday. In some weird way I think he honestly believes that he's fulfilling his obligations as a dad by showing up and giving her stuff.

No dad can just buy their kids love, that's not right! And trust me, LO would agree when she was old enough to understand. Just because you drop off a present or two doesn't make you any more of a father. I would put my foot down about this.

 

[socitycourty]

I would say no, only because from what I have heard about him he sounds like an asshole!

but the other thing is the awkwardness factor. My cousin and his wife split up around Halloween. There was all kinds of drama and everyone knew about it. well for their LO's 1st birthday, which was in January, my cousin had said he and his ex decided she wouldn't come because it was mostly our family there. Well then she was there that day. Needless to say the whole thing was awkward, she didn't want to talk to anyone, no one knew what to say...

I think since you are the full time parent and he hasn't done squat that your feelings and your comfort should come first, whatever it is that you want to do.

Do you think he wants to get back together or something?

 

[socitycourty]

Oh, and I'm totally stalking you.



j/k

 

[bananaz]

I would say no, only because from what I have heard about him he sounds like an asshole!

but the other thing is the awkwardness factor. My cousin and his wife split up around Halloween. There was all kinds of drama and everyone knew about it. well for their LO's 1st birthday, which was in January, my cousin had said he and his ex decided she wouldn't come because it was mostly our family there. Well then she was there that day. Needless to say the whole thing was awkward, she didn't want to talk to anyone, no one knew what to say...

I think since you are the full time parent and he hasn't done squat that your feelings and your comfort should come first, whatever it is that you want to do.

Do you think he wants to get back together or something?

That's pretty much exactly what my therapist said when I talked to her about this today. She told me that I don't need to facilitate him being a dad and if his presence will ruin my baby's first birthday party for me then he shouldn't be there. When LO is older she can decide whether she wants him around but for this birthday she doesn't even know what's going on or who he is so she wouldn't get any benefit from him being there.

Oh, and I'm totally stalking you.


j/k

I'm flattered

 

[socitycourty]

I was going to say that in my other post and forgot, she will have no idea what is going on at this birthday. My niece was so cranky during hers, she ate a ton of cake and then skipped her nap.....my cousin's LO was just rubbing his eyes and looking sad the whole time. LOL

Whatever you decide, don't let it trouble you too much

also meant to add if you think he is genuine then maybe he could come visit her after or around her birthday, if you offer him that and he refuses then it may be that he's just trying to go to the bday party so everyone will see him there and think he's great.

that came out weird but hopefully you get what i mean!

 

[bananaz]

also meant to add if you think he is genuine then maybe he could come visit her after or around her birthday, if you offer him that and he refuses then it may be that he's just trying to go to the bday party so everyone will see him there and think he's great.

that came out weird but hopefully you get what i mean!

My therapist said that too! Maybe you should go into counseling

 

[socitycourty]

if i could learn to take my own advice on things, i'd be set! lol

 

[daneuse27]

I think it all depends on your comfort level. The other responses here have been great. Im not sure if you talked with him in detail about his motives, but there are many possibilities. If it makes a difference to you, I would ask him.

No matter what his parents think, what we think or what he tells you, I think you just have to ask yourself if YOU would be happy to have him there. If you would feel uncomfortable or awkward, then I say don't invite him. You could always have separate get together with him and LO so he can give her a present the day before or after or something. But hosting parties are stressful enough without the added pressure of awkward guests. You're the mommy, and if you're happy, then LO will be too. Thats whats important.

 

[Mummy1995]

It's about what you want hun. If it was me I'd say NO WAY and tell him where to go. He forfeit his rights to the good times by not seeing your LO regularly. If it was me I'd tell him if he wants contact he has one last chance and needs to start from the beginning of a few supervised hours a week. If he doesn't do that then it shows he just wants to look like he's dad of the year to people around him and so I'd tell him to get lost x