Bitter...

[Mahoghani]

Went to the mechanic today with my husband to check on his car - when I can I go with him everywhere. He's like my security blanket right now and I keep him and my son in view whenever I can...

I was standing outside smoking - I started back up smoking after we learned that my baby had passed. I intend to quit again but for right now... well. You know.

Another woman drove up and got out of her car. We spent a few minutes talking before I realized that she was about 6 months pregnant. She was from Germany and had lots of tattoos and piercings. They didn't bother me... What did is that she stood outside with me, casually chain smoking as she rubbed her bulging stomach. I couldn't help it. My gaze kept traveling from her belly to the cigarette in her hand.

I know how irrational it is... I've never been one to be judgmental before. Hell, I'm a smoker myself (though I did quit cold turkey with both pregnancies and never smoked while breast feeding). I do what I think is right and I keep my opinions to myself about the choices other people make. But I found myself silently fuming as I watched her light up cigarette after cigarette... I was just so angry at her. I was so angry that there was nothing I could do to save my baby. That I quit smoking, drinking, eating feta cheese and even pumping my own gas and using nail polish and still my baby died quietly inside of me and there was nothing I could do about it. And here this woman was, chain smoking, unable to give up the disgusting habit for a mere couple of months to give her baby a better start in life and her baby would probably survive to term and be perfectly healthy. How is that fair? Why did her baby live and mine died?

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. It isn't my intention to do so. As I said I try not to judge... I just... I feel so much anger right now. I know there is nothing I could have done differently and while I understand that... I am just so bitter. Every time I see a pregnant woman I can't help but glare... just a little bit. And when I'm not glaring I'm longing. Longing to have what she has. I feel like I am not fit to be in public. There are newborns and pregnancies everywhere I look. Like being on a liquid diet and walking through a bakery... Awful analogy but it was all I could come up with...

I'm told all of this will get better in time. For now I am still waiting...

 

[gnomette]

hun it is completly normal i lost my son back in may an still now i have days i have days of why did they get to keep their baby an i didn't get to keep mine i loved him an did everything right an i see people smoking getting drunk an they get perfectly healthy babies how is that fair x but point is you won't feel like it all the time an it won't be for ever its just awful right now you will always miss your baby an always wonder why me an to be honest thats one of the hardest bits to get your head around or it was for me an everyone is different my son passing was put down to the cord being wrapped around so i like to think he was just sooo happy playing an bouncing around he got caught up

be kind to yourself an you will get there i promise x

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Hugs to you hun. I think this feeling is completely normal. Its been 5 weeks since I lost my daughter. I feel like screaming when I hear of pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy...the are so lucky just to have a healthy pregnancy. Ive never smoked and I cant understand why women smoke throughout their pregnancy...it makes my blood boil. I still feel like everywhere I look its prams, babies and bumps.
Youve done the right thing coming on here and venting, we're all here for you xxx

 

[Hellylou]

This feeling is completely normal and I remember it well. I was just the same. I had to walk out of the hospital no longer pregnant and with no baby and I walked past heavily pregnant women in their dressing gowns standing outside the hospital smoking. It felt like a kick in the teeth.

I also seemed to see pregnant women and babies everywhere and it felt like a physical pain every time I saw them.

It does get easier. Just allow the feelings to come when they come and be very gentle on yourself during these early days and weeks ahead.

 

[Vickieh1981]

I'm so sorry hun. It's awful to feel so jealous and resentful and not be able to do anything about it. It is completely normal to feel that way though.

I had my scan that showed Isabella had died. I had to speak to the consultant about everthing that would happen. After 2 hours I walked out of the hospital to go home and tell the children and saw a pregnant woman smoking outside. I swear I wanted to punch her.

 

[lilyV]

I'm so sorry, I don't know what you're going through but it must be tough. *hugs*

 

[ericacaca]

Nope I felt EXACTLY the same when our little girl left us. I got really upset whenever I saw this. And even more upset at this potty mouthed teenager with fag in one hand and pushchair in the other a few days after it all happened! In fact, it still gets me upset thinking about it. ...

Just know that you arent alone. Go easy on yourself. Any emotions that are going on are all completely natural and you need to take time out to grieve. And it is ok to cry and have paddys and admit that things are crap. xxx