Blame myself

[MsRice1993]

About a year I met my best friend whom I fell in love with and about 2 months ago we found out I was a month pregnant...Our relationship was kept private considering we both worked together, on the same shift, in law enforcement...a mix of emotions came over both of us...worry, fear, concern, but ultimately we became happy and excited to bring a beautiful baby into this world together. We decided to not saying anything at work until we went through the first ultrasound, which wasn't going to be for another 2 weeks so I just continued working everyday and doing my normal duties as a police officer. The day of the first ultrasound came around and it sucked because Matt couldn't be there because of not being able to get off of work... but we were still both excited that I was going to come home with a picture of our baby. The time of the appointment came around (which revealed me to be almost 3 months along), but instead of happy smiles and hearing a healthy heartbeat, there was nothing. The baby was there, but the heartbeat was not... we found out I miscarried.. I couldn't keep myself together at the doctor's office to understand what was being said, and it continued the rest of the day and days following. That day, I called Matt and tried to get the words out but I couldn't speak. I had to (unfortunately) text him because I didn't know who else to talk to. I just needed my best friend.
It's about a month later and I still cry everyday. I'm sick, depressed, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I have gotten to the point of deactivating my social media account simply because it breaks my heart to see everyone where their babies and all of their beautiful smiling faces. I'm pushing people away..my family, my friends, a man that loves me more than anything, but I have no want or desire to be around anyone. Everytime I see a baby with his mommy or daddy out in public, on social media, on television...I just turn into an emotional mess all over again. I've never been a crier. When I would have bad days of depression in ealier years, I would just be emotionless...but after this last incident, I am constantly crying.
I am a police officer, which makes my situation even worse because I deal with the public on a daily basis.
I blame myself for not taking better care of myself prior to the pregnancy and even during. I feel like if I would've been different and informed work of my pregnancy, I would've had less stress and strain on my body and I would still have my baby growing inside of me.

 

[flou]

I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately nothing you could have done differently would have given you a better outcome. You didn't cause the mc, you got dealt a bad hand. How you feel is perfectly normal but you will feel better in time, trust me. You never forget but it becomes easier. Take time to grieve the loss of your baby and don't be too hard on yourself for doing so. Talk to your partner and any close family and friends, it will help. Be honest with them about how you are feeling. Going through a mc can be so isolating and I think this is because it is happening to your baby and your body. I had two losses before having my gorgeous little boy. There were days when I didn't think I would ever get the chance to be a mum. But I got there and so will you if you want to. I went through hell trying to get my son but he was worth it. And even though it wasn't the easiest journey, I think it has made me a better mum for it. Take care and don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[HelenJane]

Its not your fault not at all.
You couldn't have done anything different.
You could be the healthiest person on the planet and stayed in bed the whole time and it still would have happened. Please do not blame yourself.
Did u have any testing done on the placenta and things to see if there was a cause?

 

[impatient1]

I'm so sorry for your loss
Having a miscarriage is not your fault, and you couldn't have prevented it. It's so unfortunate that this happened but please don't blame yourself. Everything you are feeling is normal, awful and normal. It will take time and you will never fully heal but it does get easier.

For me it took awhile to realize I was depressed and needed to speak to someone, like you I worked with the public everyday (a restaurant manager) and saw babies every day, breaking my heart and needed someone to talk to. For me I had a hard time with the fact that I had nothing to remember my baby and I needed closure and my tattoo was a huge steping stone for me.

 

[HelenJane]

Can we see your tattoo?

 

[WishnandHopn]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling this way. It's so hard, but try not to blame myself. It is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. When I had my miscarriage, my midwife told me that even if I had wrapped myself in bubblewrap and stayed home in bed from the time of conception, that I still probably would have miscarried.

Everyone heals differently, so take the time you need, maybe find someone you can talk to about how you're feeling, whether that's a friend, family, support group or mental health professional.

Sending you hugs.

 

[laura109]

Oh hun. I am so sorry. I strongly believe almost every mummy has a pregnancy story. My partners cousin safly miscarried her baby at 12 weeks 2 weeks ago. It is a horrible traumatic experience to go through. When we think of pregnancy and babies we think of little baby grows and prams and all the lovely things we will do. To be even shown a glimmer of that being your future and it to be taken away is really hard. I can only imagine how shocking it is to discover the baby had no heartbeat at a scan when you had no signs. It's every mum to bes nightmare.

I know you will blane yourself but look at the bigger picture here. Years ago before there was all the vitamins and dos and donts women continued on with everything. They had loads of children and were often poor. There children still survived. People who have addictions still have healthy children often (not always) there really is nothing you can do to control nature.

I had a positive test monday. I started bleeding 2 hours later and the drs confirmed i am pregnant but the bleeding is not looking good. My tests are faint and i know its game over. Apart of me is upset because i feel like nothing can ever come easy and we have been trying for another baby. But a big part of me knows that i will get another chance hopefully.

My point is its hard. Its upsetting. Its ok to feel the way you do. Its normal to feel like you don't want too see pictures of peoples babies etc. just try and think where do i want to be next. When you feel better and if you want a baby you can take folic acid and try again. Wimen who miscarry usually end up having a healthy pregnancy the next time round. The weeks go by fast and before you could know it you could be expecting again. I have every faith that you will get your happy ending. You just have to try dust yourself off and have another try. You will always remember your baby. As a mum my heart goes out to you and thus board is full of people that have been in similar situations. Its never your fault. Sometimes its just natures way and its very hard to accept that �� x