Breaking down and standing up- my story and my hope

[Hoping4aBoy]

Waiting is the hardest thing to do sometimes. Whether you are waiting to see someone, start a job, finish a job, start an event, get a present, the list goes on. For a woman waiting for the dreaded TWW to be over, waiting is just painstakingly slow and emotionally tolling. My story is not unique, and I am most definitely not alone in it. So many women today struggle with fertility, much more than I ever realized.
My Story,
I am 28, a few months shy of 29, my husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for 7. We began the journey towards parenthood 3 years ago. It has been emotionally draining, and stressful to say the least. I have experienced highs, lows, breaking points, moments of self-determination and perseverance, and moment of self-defeat.
We tried a while without assistance, my belief that the natural occurrence of things would just happen for us the way it had for my parents (5 children- I’m the baby) and my 4 siblings (two children a piece). Obviously, not. Our first go round with clomid was through my normal OBGYN. After three months of vaginal ultra sounds, blood tests, and hormones, we were still empty handed. We were then sent to a Reproductive Specialist. Three more months of clomid, and tests, with no positive results. My husband was tested, and was given an A +! I did a dye test to see if my tubes were open, and they were! So my Dr. suggested using Clomid and a trigger shot, which we did. To no avail. After much discussion, I went in for an exploratory surgery, that included a DNC. I had endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, and a large cyst growing in and about my uterus. Naturally I was ecstatic! Here was the answer! These things did not show up during vaginal ultra sounds! All items were removed.
I opted to give my abused system a break. We did not take and drugs for six months. My cycles returned to normal, and so did my emotional state (hormone therapy turns me into a fragile crazy person).
After 6 months, husband and I finally realized that we would have to go back to treatment. I did clomid again this month, with a trigger shot on the 7th. I have returned to my fragile state emotionally. But at least this time I am handling my crazy a little better. I keep telling myself that the DNC cleared the road. That this time will work. When I went in for my follicle test on the 7th I had two huge eggs ready to go. We time intercourse and have taken the right medication. I even propped my legs up afterward just for good (a little silly) measure!!! AND getting pregnant this go round fits great into my work schedule (my work mimics that of a teacher- so I am less busy in the summer months.)The stars are aligned!!!
Its Friday October 18, I go in for a blood test with my Dr. on October 21, at 7:30 AM. It takes them about an hour or so for the results and the phone call. That I have begun to see as a life line. I’m tearing up as I write this because I want to be a mom so much. I feel broken, robbed, desperate. I keep thinking this isn’t fair. What have I done to deserve this? What is God preparing me for that I can’t get pregnant right now? What lesson have I not learned at this point in my life that makes me ill-equipped to be a mom?
It’s a deeply personal struggle for me. I carried this burden silently for almost the entire time. My husband, bless his heart, cannot relate to my emotional pain. He believes it will be eventually. He however does not get treated like a lab rat. Which is a price I am happy to pay. I have told a few people now, that are close to me, but it is now a part of my identity in ways I didn’t want it to be. So, I am here, looking for others to walk with who are on this path too. Who hurt, and cry, and hope together.
I am trying to find my hope. “Hope floats” I keep telling myself. The moments when I sink, when I feel like I am drowning in this. I keep telling myself to remember that “Hope Floats.”
So a few days away, I’ll wait in my office for the call. If it happens….. I have no words. If this time reflects all the times before. I will cry, no doubt. But I will stop and set my mind towards the next month.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
zMd

 

[labgal]

Hello Hoping I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. I can empathize with your frustration, though our journey hasn't been as long as yours. Your pain must be so great and you are very strong to keep holding your head up!

My heart and thoughts are with you. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you! Let us know how things go... We are all in this together as support!

Bunches more

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

I have never actually written down the details of this journey. I think it helped to put it down on paper (or on the screen). Thank you for your support. I will definitly post my results Monday.

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Hello Hoping I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. I can empathize with your frustration, though our journey hasn't been as long as yours. Your pain must be so great and you are very strong to keep holding your head up!

My heart and thoughts are with you. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you! Let us know how things go... We are all in this together as support!

Bunches more

I went in this AM for the blood test! Now I am waiting to see. I will let you know when I get the call!

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

BFN

 

[Emmi]

Sorry to hear that You are not alone - it's not just you that is going through the excrutiating emotions month after month. It is so exhausting and all so unfair but what to do but hope one day, our turn will come

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Sorry to hear that You are not alone - it's not just you that is going through the excrutiating emotions month after month. It is so exhausting and all so unfair but what to do but hope one day, our turn will come

I know, but thank you for saying it just the same. Theres the few moments when the weight sets down on you, but keeping positive and determined is the key in the end.

 

[babyluv82]

Sorry to read about ur struggles in pain. Hope DOES float. Dont give up even though it might break u sometimes.
Who knows what has been planned for u from the man above. It will happen for u...
I know its easier said than done, keep being patient. You will have ur little one....one sweet day.

As for ur DH i can only say that men do not take this ad emotional as we women do. I dont think there is a stronger will or wish than a womans wish to REALLY want a child. I just dont think men can relate to that struggle very well.

My thoughts are with u, and like labgal already said, we are here for support.
Keep ur head up.

FX

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Sorry to read about ur struggles in pain. Hope DOES float. Dont give up even though it might break u sometimes.
Who knows what has been planned for u from the man above. It will happen for u...
I know its easier said than done, keep being patient. You will have ur little one....one sweet day.

As for ur DH i can only say that men do not take this ad emotional as we women do. I dont think there is a stronger will or wish than a womans wish to REALLY want a child. I just dont think men can relate to that struggle very well.

My thoughts are with u, and like labgal already said, we are here for support.
Keep ur head up.

FX

Thank you. I was hesitant to join this site because I am such an inner problem carrier. But I am very glad I did. It helps. To see and be seen by those who understand and go through the same thing.

 

[ashley024]

Waiting is the hardest thing to do sometimes. Whether you are waiting to see someone, start a job, finish a job, start an event, get a present, the list goes on. For a woman waiting for the dreaded TWW to be over, waiting is just painstakingly slow and emotionally tolling. My story is not unique, and I am most definitely not alone in it. So many women today struggle with fertility, much more than I ever realized.
My Story,
I am 28, a few months shy of 29, my husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for 7. We began the journey towards parenthood 3 years ago. It has been emotionally draining, and stressful to say the least. I have experienced highs, lows, breaking points, moments of self-determination and perseverance, and moment of self-defeat.
We tried a while without assistance, my belief that the natural occurrence of things would just happen for us the way it had for my parents (5 children- I’m the baby) and my 4 siblings (two children a piece). Obviously, not. Our first go round with clomid was through my normal OBGYN. After three months of vaginal ultra sounds, blood tests, and hormones, we were still empty handed. We were then sent to a Reproductive Specialist. Three more months of clomid, and tests, with no positive results. My husband was tested, and was given an A +! I did a dye test to see if my tubes were open, and they were! So my Dr. suggested using Clomid and a trigger shot, which we did. To no avail. After much discussion, I went in for an exploratory surgery, that included a DNC. I had endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, and a large cyst growing in and about my uterus. Naturally I was ecstatic! Here was the answer! These things did not show up during vaginal ultra sounds! All items were removed.
I opted to give my abused system a break. We did not take and drugs for six months. My cycles returned to normal, and so did my emotional state (hormone therapy turns me into a fragile crazy person).
After 6 months, husband and I finally realized that we would have to go back to treatment. I did clomid again this month, with a trigger shot on the 7th. I have returned to my fragile state emotionally. But at least this time I am handling my crazy a little better. I keep telling myself that the DNC cleared the road. That this time will work. When I went in for my follicle test on the 7th I had two huge eggs ready to go. We time intercourse and have taken the right medication. I even propped my legs up afterward just for good (a little silly) measure!!! AND getting pregnant this go round fits great into my work schedule (my work mimics that of a teacher- so I am less busy in the summer months.)The stars are aligned!!!
Its Friday October 18, I go in for a blood test with my Dr. on October 21, at 7:30 AM. It takes them about an hour or so for the results and the phone call. That I have begun to see as a life line. I’m tearing up as I write this because I want to be a mom so much. I feel broken, robbed, desperate. I keep thinking this isn’t fair. What have I done to deserve this? What is God preparing me for that I can’t get pregnant right now? What lesson have I not learned at this point in my life that makes me ill-equipped to be a mom?
It’s a deeply personal struggle for me. I carried this burden silently for almost the entire time. My husband, bless his heart, cannot relate to my emotional pain. He believes it will be eventually. He however does not get treated like a lab rat. Which is a price I am happy to pay. I have told a few people now, that are close to me, but it is now a part of my identity in ways I didn’t want it to be. So, I am here, looking for others to walk with who are on this path too. Who hurt, and cry, and hope together.
I am trying to find my hope. “Hope floats” I keep telling myself. The moments when I sink, when I feel like I am drowning in this. I keep telling myself to remember that “Hope Floats.”
So a few days away, I’ll wait in my office for the call. If it happens….. I have no words. If this time reflects all the times before. I will cry, no doubt. But I will stop and set my mind towards the next month.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
zMd

I completely understand your struggles. I have been told since I was 15 that I needed to have a hysterectomy because of my endometriosis. I’ve had 3 surgeries for it and I refuse to let them take anything out because I have always wanted kids.

we’ve been TTC for 2 years now. it happened in June of last year then we MC in September. I was so devastated and upset and so was my husband. that is the only emotion I’ve seen from him through this whole process, but like you said he hasn’t been the lab rat like we have.

I have never tried Clomid though and I will start 50MG on Thursday 10/31. so hopefully we have some luck on it. I tell myself I am not excited because it hasn’t worked yet but that is a lie. I am super excited to try it but I hope I am not let down.

 

[sarahok]

Sorry for your disappointment. I do understand, though I haven't been trying as long as you. Even the kindest and most understanding husband cannot fully grasp what this is like for us. After starting my cycle (6 days late) my husband initially reacted to my despair by saying, "We have control of our emotions and need to try to keep faith."

This did not go over well with me at all, just made me feel sad and like I was being scolded. I had to explain to him that sometimes I just want him to listen and say he understands rather than try to offer a solution or advice, as men are inclined to do. He took a bit to absorb this but came around and said that it was just hard to see me sad but that he would work to accept my feelings and just be there.

Best of luck and hope this helps a little. Sometimes it's hard to keep communication flowing freely, but it's worth the effort.

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

I don’t know if having an established knowledge of fertility issues is easier or harder on someone mentally and emotionally. I could not imagine being told from that age that children may not be possible.
Clomid has been effective with me. I am also on 50 mg. I will for warn you that you may suffer from intense hot flashes and mood swings. I also have headaches pretty bad on it. So if you experience any of those symptoms, don’t panic  I really hope this process helps you. I am here if you have any questions or just want to vent. Thanks for your support.

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Sorry for your disappointment. I do understand, though I haven't been trying as long as you. Even the kindest and most understanding husband cannot fully grasp what this is like for us. After starting my cycle (6 days late) my husband initially reacted to my despair by saying, "We have control of our emotions and need to try to keep faith."

This did not go over well with me at all, just made me feel sad and like I was being scolded. I had to explain to him that sometimes I just want him to listen and say he understands rather than try to offer a solution or advice, as men are inclined to do. He took a bit to absorb this but came around and said that it was just hard to see me sad but that he would work to accept my feelings and just be there.

Best of luck and hope this helps a little. Sometimes it's hard to keep communication flowing freely, but it's worth the effort.

My husband is a "fixer". I know its hard for him to understand that some situations cannot be simply fixed. Part of my initial problem is his expectancy of how I deal with challenges. I am a compartmentalizer. Everything, every emotion, thought, concept, discussion has a place in my mind. This struggle is the first time in my life that I have continuously failed to steady myself. He doesn’t know how to handle me off balance. He just wants it “right” and to just move along. I don’t know how else to explain to him about the way I am struggling, and I have tried several times. Last night being the latest go round.

I honestly believe he is keeping an emotional distance between the knowledge of the situation and his emotional acceptance of it. I wish I had that luxury.

 

[Coolstar]

Hoping4aBoy : I can relate with you totally . I am 31, married for 5 years, ttc for nearly 2 yrs, have been told I have endometriosis , partially blocked tube, low progesterone and high estrogen level. RE told us that IVF is our only option and we should also think about donor egg . DH has super sperm. I have gone through 3 rounds of clomid, seems clomid did more harm to me then good. My cycles became irregular after taking clomid .But still I am trying to have a positive outlook and praying that a miracle does happen in my life.
It has been a roller coaster ride for me. Glad I found bnb, you can find many ladies in LTTC section like us . Don't lose hope, I know it will happen one day, and when we get pg it will be worth everything we have endured. Sending you lots of

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Coolstar: How is your journey going?

 

[Hope.]

Your journey is similar to every woman trying to have a baby. Honestly, as I was reading it, I felt like I wrote it. Although we have a few differences but our feelings, emotions and struggles are the same. I hope this process is quick and bearable to you, and I hope that you and all the woman going through this incredibly tough and draining journey are blessed with their deepest desire, a healthy & beautiful little baby.
I'm 23 and DH is 30. We got married in 2010 and have been trying to conceive since May 2012. I also thought that nature will do what it does best and we will be pregnant soon. But our destiny had something else in mind. After 1 1/2 year with no baby and I finally got the courage and went to see a doctor. Diagnosed: Unexplained infertility. During this period my 4 sister in laws have gotten pregnant and already have gorgeous babies. While my DH and I wait... & wait. Its my 2nd cycle on clomid and I am hopeful but also scared. Having hope is the only way forward. Stay strong and have faith, it will eventually happen to us.
Baby dust to everyone!

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Thank you. I have said before and still believe that real grief, real pain, cannot truly be answered by another until that person can see them self in the one across from them. Reading these and having women like you write to me has been a blessing. I'm sorry for your struggle. I'm praying for us both.

 

[Coolstar]

We are going ahead with IVF. Keeping my fingers crossed. All of you ladies keep strong. I am 32 today and 2 years since we started ttc. But still I am where I started. Praying for all of us.

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

Happy late birthday! We are here in your corner girl.

 

[Coolstar]

If I am not wrong you have your beta test on Monday ?