breast to bottle guilt...

[yellowpetal]

Hello

I'm taking the plunge to move my little boy onto formula. He's 19 days old today. I really wanted to breastfeed until he was atleast 6 weeks old, but I can't go on like this. In the 19 days, ive had mastitis, then blocked ducts in the same breast which my boy wouldnt latch onto and i could barely express more then a few drops. Since then, it seems that breast has 'ran out' of milk, no matter how much i try to latch my little one on (which he still won't take to) nothing is improving and I simply cannot feed him of one breast. Ive tried expressing, and i get 3oz out of both combined (majority out of my left breast) as my little boy also has tounge tie and can't latch on successfully, and only rarely does for more then a minute or so. So ive been exclusively pumping since he was around 4 days old. If it wasn't for the right breast completely f***** up, id continue to express. But my baby isnt satisfied of the 3oz i manage to squeeze out after 4 hours (ive tried expressing every 2 and i dont even get an oz out, let alone the 3 i get after 4 hours)... ive been combined feeding since my mastitis, well giving him a bottle of formula at night (Apatamil) and hes been ok, although seems a little unsettled for around 30 mins after.

I'm really struggling with the guilt I no formula isn't bad, but the whole breast is best thing really bothers me. I mentioned to my HV that i was putting him on formula for one feed a day and she seemed to look down on me. Ive tried so hard with breastfeeding, in the first few days my nipples were torn before they found he had tounge tie, i then tried nipple shields and he wanted to be on 24/7 as he clearly was not getting enough milk with them, i exclusively started to pump, which was agony with the mastitis, even my milk was coming out pink due to the damage of his poor latching. Ive hung onto breastfeeding just hoping that the right breast would improve and unclog its self and id be able to express more until his tounge tie is fixed, but hes so upset constantly and drains the 3oz i give him, he clearly needs more food and theres nothing i can do! Anyone else been in a similar position? how did you deal with the guilt? xx

 

[Evian260]

to you hon... You should join the thread at the top called "loss of breast feeding guilt and support thread".... you aren't alone...

and you have given the best effort possible and switching to formula will not hurt your lo. I do understand the guilt though as I myself have been through it. You're an amazing mom

 

[becks1981]

I know exactly how you feel. My LO is 5 weeks and we have started introducing a few formula feeds due to LO clearly not being satisfied with my milk. She can spend an hour on my breast and still root for more. My nipples are really sore and I too can only get 3 oz after expressing for over an hour. I feel guilty that I'm introducing formula, but not as guilty as I do that I feel like I'm starving my baby. She takes 5 oz of formula at night before bed an since then has slept for 6 hrs straight through the night whereas before she would wake every hour or two. Try not to beat yourself up to much hun xx

 

[yellowpetal]

Evian - Didn't see that thread, will definitely have a look at that as seems when ive looked into it alot of women experienced the guilt.. perhaps its something to do with hormones.. and thank you, sometimes its just so hard to work out whats best for our babies.. giving him breast, but not enough, or giving him formula and enough? I can't bare to cradle him and stick a dummy in his mouth until i manage to squeeze more milk out for him. It really doesn't help that most health professionals see no alternative to breastfeeding, regardless of how difficult it is for mum. I even had one midwife tell me not to express or use shields, and to just 'put up' with little one tearing me up as 'nature intended for him to feed of you, so it will work and every woman goes through sore nipples, its just part of it 'im afraid'... but she missed his tounge tie at his check up! silly mare!

and Becks my babe is the same, he will gulp away a good 4oz of formula, i bet if i moved onto bigger bottles he'd gulp up a good 5oz (i'm going to sterilise all his big bottles today to up his feeds)... his sleeping isn't great on either but definitely goes a little longer on the formula then expressed, he wants expressed every 1.5hrs or so and formula he will sleep 2-4 hour stretches, which definitely makes a happier mummy!

I just feel so miserable, i feel housebound and stuck to a pump constantly trying to squeeze out milk i dont have (in the right breast) I have health professionals constantly telling me the 'blockage will clear in a few days, just keep going, massaging etc' but its been a good 10 days now... I genuinely believe that my right breast has far less milk then my left and nothing i do seems to be improving it. x

 

[becks1981]

Yep I feel the same, I actually made a joke that I felt like a cow being milked because if Amelia isn't on my breast the pump was. I think it is unfair that health professionals make us feel guilty for inevitably doing wat is best for our babies. At the end of the day a full formula fed baby is better than a starving breastfed baby. I hate the feeling that my baby doesn't get wat she needs from me, it makes me sad! I still breastfeed but it breaks my heart when she is still thrashing around for more

 

[Bunnikins]

Hey i know exactly how you feel. My baby girl in just over 3 weeks old and ive breastfed since birth. Im torn in 2 at the moment. I really want to switch to formula. She gets really fussy when feeding at the moment, crying and thrashing about.. she clearly isnt happy.. and im not happy either. Although i have breastfed in public now, im still uncomfortable and always will be being a shy person.. and i hate the fact i cant leave my little girl with her grandparents for a few hours (both for me getting a bit of freedom, i need my hair cut desperately!, and the fact both sets of GPs are desperate to babysit and bond with her). I cant leave her at all at the moment. You just never know when she'll need to feed.. it could be hours, or it could be 10 minutes after the last feed. Pumping is a pain the arse.. it hurts and it takes up to an hour to get a half decent amount out, and she still wants more after taking an expressed bottle.. plus its rare that i actually get chance to sit and pump.. shes always feeding!

OK ill stop moaning.. i really want to switch but its just the guilt stopping me. I feel like im being selfish for formula feeding as its partly for my own convenience (as well as the fact she is unhappy). I dont know WHY we are made to feel like this? I was formula fed and im the healthiest person i know! And ive never thought badly of my mum for not breastfeeding! Why would i? Its stupid but its such a strong feeling isnt it this guilt.

Try to overcome it. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding, loads of people do it, loads of research has gone into it to make the milk contain all that baby needs. Any day now im going to switch myself.. just need to push the guilt away!

 

[yellowpetal]

I think its society that makes us feel so bad about it. I was reading a forum last night, full of supportive messages, and i finally felt a little better. Then i came across a pro-breastfeeding comment, whom called the poster selfish and told her you feel guilty when your doing something wrong, so she should continue breastfeed! and that courage i built up to finally move to formula disappeared. Its so disheartening. For readers, I don't see any wrong in formula at all, in fact it was my plan to formula feed from the start, or after the first 3 days so LO got collosum, its just this guilt is so overpowering! Its like my mind knows its logical and best for us both to move to formula, but my heart says no. But how can i continue what my body won't let me. Its horrible, silly hormones! xx

 

[Saphira]

Yes, I was in a similar situation as you. First of all, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know it doesn't seem like it to you now, but this feeling of guilt you have will ease up with time.

For first 6 months of my daughter's life, the guilt I felt for switching to formula only from 3 weeks on plagued me. I'd randomly burst into tears about it and felt like I was a terrible, not worthy enough mama for my precious baby girl. I got locked into the whole, "breast is best" bit to the point I nearly hated myself for "failing" my daughter.
I simply couldn't get her to latch. My breasts were so engorged, she didn't have a chance. I also tried nipple shields without luck. They created more trouble in fact as they kept falling off frustrating my daughter more.
I pumped as long as I could but didn't find the time everyday to pump as often as necessary to keep the supply up. So, the last drops were pumped on her third week of life and I had to part with the Medela. I had very mixed feelings. On one side I couldn't wait to get it shipped away and forget about it all. I was relieved my daughter was finally being fed without trying to get her to latch only for it to end in a screaming, frustrated, desperately hungry baby. On the other side I knew that meant the end of the road for my daughter getting any breast milk. It was a very tough time.

Fast forward 8 months. My formula fed daughter is doing great! She's healthy, never once has been sick, she's strong, happy, smart, determined, trim but has typical baby chubs, a babbler, a crawler at 7 months and sitting on her own since two days shy of 8 months.. I'm so very proud of her! Watching her grow and develop has helped me cope and move on from the guilt I'd felt. I'm sure it will be the same for you. Your little boy will be just fine!
Give yourself time but please don't beat yourself up over this. Continue to pick yourself up and know you've done your very best for your little one. You're a top mama and shouldn't feel any less of one because of how your baby's fed!

 

[yellowpetal]

Feel alot better after reading that, thank you! xxx

 

[Bats11]

I just went through the same thing as yourself, ongoing mastitis was hell.

Yes guilt got the better of me, but I came to realise why should I feel guilty for giving breastfeeding my 100% and did so for 7&1/2 wks of her life, its just unfortunate that my right breast kept getting infective mastitis and I couldnt bare to go through it one more time, so I made the decision like yourself to switch and Im so glad I did, no more regrets.

 

[Mabythistime]

I suffered badly from the breast to bottle guilt.

Becuase of overbearing judgement towards formula everywhere I turned, I forced myself to BF and express, whilst working a 12 hour day with supply dwindeling. Eventually my one boob did not even give 1 oz. But no one would understand.

I cried every day on my way to work and from home. I was consumed by the guilt cos everyone said it would get better and I have to do it.

But, then I decided to combifeed after great advise from various FF ladies, and within one week, my life was turned around. I was a happy mommy and a happy mommy makes for a happy baby.

I know breast is best, but nowhere have I read facts that formula is bad? I dont feel guilty anymore. I am proud that I am doing my best and you must be too! Do what is best for you and not what you are forced to do.