"Bullies"

[Abigailly]

We live on a small cul-de-sac.

My DD plays out the front daily. It's a patch of grass opposite our house as we are at the end of the street.

All the kids play out, there are 5 of them that are the exact age of DD, something was in the water as their birthdays are all within 3 weeks of each other. They all get on brilliantly.

Except one. It's a wee girl who has an older brother who is 6. She's an awful wee thing. Because she has an older brother and she's very loud and bossy she's almost like the 'ring leader'. When you watch her through the window she looks like a 16 year old with issues. Her body language and facial expressions along with the way she holds herself. I know she gets it all off her mum and it's awful to say about a 4 year old but just watching her makes me grit my teeth.

She's also awful to DD. I'm very 'middle class'. I have a posh accent compared to locals. I'm much more about establishing yourself as a person than most round here. Over all, we are a much 'posher' and eccentric family. I know that may sound silly, and I'm not saying I'm above them in anyway. We have all just being raised differently which has made us all very different. But with all this is means I'm raising a different child to those around her. She's VERY self assured, she won't allow herself to be bossed or pushed around. Which is great for the future but not so much just now.

She doesn't get many sweets. She's never had much want for them, but recently, because these kids outside all have them constantly it means she wants them all the time. I mean to the point I counted this wee girl have 3 ice lollies, 2 packs of sweets, 2 packs of crisps and a large pick and mix IN ONE DAY!!

This wee girl is constantly trying to get the other kids to leave Niamh out. She's constantly giving it 'you're not allowed to play on my drive/garden' when all the other kids are on it. She's always telling Niamh that what she's wearing is wrong. That because she's not wearing make up she's 'not cool'. She brings out sweets for all the kids but Niamh.

It breaks my heart seeing Niamh standing on the side lines or coming in upset because this wee girl isn't letting her into the garden when everyone else is in.

But when they are by there selves they are fine. They play brilliantly together.

I know this is long and rambley. But it's the worse thing I've had to deal with since becoming a parent. It's something I can't just 'fix'.

 

[Natasha2605]

Can you speak to her mum? Failing that I'd just go out when you see it happening and encourage them to be nicer. If the mums not willing to say something to her daughter then I certainly wouldn't hesitate to.

 

[Abigailly]

I said something to their mum however they don't have the best of home lives and her exact words were 'I think I've got a bit more to deal with than Niamh being sensitive'.

And I do try to say something, but when do I just say enough is enough and stop her playing out? Which will devastate her, but at the same time she always seems so upset when she's out.

 

[MummyMana]

I'd be temped,to throw a garden party for all her little friends except the mean girl, so she can have time with the ones she gets along with without the bossy one butting in. I know its not a permanent solution but it might cheer your girl up a bit
Have you spoken to the parents of the other children? Maybe they could remind them that they don't have to do everything the mean one says, and to include your daughter regardless? Power I'm numbers type thing.

Or start baking cookies and bringing them out to all the kids except the mean one. Soon she'll have a taste of her own medicine

 

[seoj]

I dealt with similar when my SD was younger- we lived in a different area than we do now. But my SD has always been VERY self assured and strong and not afraid to speak her mind. It could be a bit much when she was younger- but at 17, she's grown into a lovely young woman and I'm so proud! With that self assurance, came jealousy from other girls. It happens. She was picked on at times, even threatened in middle school. Even some kids up the street from us were bossy and tried to "push her buttons". In the end- I always had her back. There was one time she got hurt because some boys were being rough and not listening when she asked them to stop- not on "purpose" (I don't think) but she was on a bike and they were messing around her and she fell. Of course I went over and talked to the parents/kids- and just made it clear to be more careful. Mamma bear came out! But one parent (who's kids were the worst of the group) came out and instead of talking to me, she asked her kid if I was being mean? Um... I wasn't, I was simply asking him what happened- but she was very defensive and nasty to me. Personally, I would of asked what happened, and talk it out before I made any assumptions... but whatever.

Sad thing is- there will always be THOSE kids (and those parents). If I'm around to, heck yeah, I'll say something or intervene. Just me though. lol. I'd be nice about it- but I wouldn't let someone push my kid around in front of my face- I'd either take my kid out of the situation- or say something. I guess I just feel that if a kid is like that (consistently- not in a situation where they might be grumpy, as all kids can be)- then the parents most likely aren't teaching them different. Maybe it's nieve- but it's just my personal experience in what I've seen. I mean, I have that "mean mom" on my street that literally snubbed me at the store the other day! I mean, I'm 40, why should I have to deal with that? eesh. When I say snubbed- I said hi (very friendly) and she literally looked at me all nasty, then turned back around and continued shopping... yeah....

Sorry I've no great advice. If you think the mom would listen- maybe set up a play date with JUST the two girls to see if they can sort things out. If not- then like mentioned set up playdates without her... and just step in when needed (and it makes sense) and support and encourage your daughter to know it's the other girls issue- not her's. As hard as that is to explain so young.

Best of luck!

 

[aimee-lou]

Earl sounds very much like Niamh - very confident and self assured and will not be pushed around but being young if people do gang up on him he gets upset and rightly so.

We have a girl next door who is like the one you describe. She is 5, nearly 6, a whole year older than Earl and consequently she thinks she's queen bee! She has an attitude, is loud and cruel and generally riles me! I don't like myself for saying this but I actually cannot stand her...she's only 5 but that's how much she has upset me over the years. She's always been destructive and generally mean to my boys and it's come to a point now where I make all the excuses under the sun for her not to come into our garden. Thankfully Earl is, in our opinion, too young to play out on our street. It's too busy and there's too many cars parks up that he would drive his scooter into etc...so we take him to the park or play in the garden. She will inevitably want him to play with her but the number of times she's said horrid things and upset him, or even been horrid to my 2yo as a game.....eurgh! Even over the fence she gets to me and I end up bringing the children in and closing the door on our own back yard. I've spoken to her Mum but she is a single mum, and very stressed and her daughter is a handful and things haven't changed in nearly 4 years, so it's a bit of a lost cause really.

Anyway, I've started to use Earl's confidence to his advantage. If she is unfair or mean I have told him to say 'that's not very nice' and then walk away and come tell me or his Dad. Now he calls her on it, she is rarely quite as bad and sometimes even says sorry to him, and I've also found Earl saying that he's going to go and do something else rather than automatically go running when she calls. I haven't had to deal with as many tears either as Earl can now see that she's being mean but he has the power to walk away. It hasn't changed her behaviour but I hope it's empowered Earl a bit and will hopefully stop him being upset in future (she will be at his school but in Yr1 while he is in Reception from September) and it's something that he can pass on to others.

With your situation OP, I like the idea of inviting the other children round, even just a couple at a time over to play, or for tea. By letting your little girl have her friends round and by not letting the other little girl rule the roost, hopefully it should stop it escalating too far. You wont necessarily be 'excluding' that particular little girl, but allowing the others to play freely.