Bullies

[FlumpsMamma]

Hi all, my daughter is 4 years old and has just started full time school. She is a lovely girl even if she can be a bit feisty. She wears glasses, they are lovely Cinderella ones with thick lenses that give her adorably big eyes. This last week at school she's been complaining about a young boy that has been chasing her around and stealing her glasses and hitting her. She said she hit him back and snatched back her glasses, I applauded her even if some people think she shouldn't have done that I'm glad my girl stuck up for herself. I have told the teacher about it and my daughter knows to go to the teacher if he keeps doing it. The problem is, she's telling me he's waiting till the teacher doesn't look to do something nasty and has been all week and I'm getting very angry about it. The teacher knows about it all and I've even talked to the boy's mother about it but it hasn't helped. Today she's told me he's even took her cake at dinner time on Friday just gone and is nasty the others not just her so to me he sounds like a nasty bully. He's much bigger than my girl and I don't want her getting into trouble for sticking up for herself because I know that's what will happen. What would you do?

 

[pipsbabybean]

Hey
Makes me sad to read some kids do this just for fun, I'm glad ur girl stuck up for herself , I always insist my girls do to,
We are not at school yet but I believe u did the right thing in talking to his mother and the teacher, u can only talk to the teacher again really,
I'd hate for ur girl to be afraid,
Wonder what else u can do?

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

If the teacher hasn't been able to do anything I'd escalate up to the principal and raise hell until the issue was properly dealt with.

 

[DobbyForever]

I'm an elementary school teacher. Your daughter has done everything right: used her words and gone to adults. If what her teacher is doing is not working, you need to email the teacher explaining the incidents and what has and has not been reported. CC the administrator (principal or whomever is in charge).

At the end of the day, a bully is a bully for a reason. He is not going to stop. So you also need to teach your daughter how to respond when the teacher isn't around. That does not mean advocating using physical force. Unless he is seriously endangering her, hitting him back gets them both in big trouble. Hitting is hitting. As adults, there are all of these rules about what is passive versus aggressive, he started it, what is considered reasonable force... blah blah blah. Anyway. Come up with a safety plan for when she is alone. Without using names, ask around to other parents to see if their children are experiencing the same thing.

But at the end of the day, email the teacher and DEMAND (in a polite way) a conference with you, the administrator, and the child's parents. Something like, "Dear ___, I appreciate your efforts to support my daughter in dealing with a child whose choices are upsetting her. Despite the interventions so far, he continues to (list behaviors). I would like to schedule a conference with you, his parents, and an administrator so that we can all work together as caring adults to support these children with their social growth and help my daughter feel safe at school."

 

[FlumpsMamma]

Thank you all DobbyForever that's a wonderful idea, I know hitting is wrong but I couldn't help be proud she stuck up for herself. I'm thinking of waiting another week as this is the first week of school, telling my daughter to stay away from this boy or to just try and be nice and friendly (unless he hits her again) with him and see if that helps. We are going to has a Halloween party for a few of her friends and she asked if she could invite him to see if being his friend would help. If it doesn't get better obviously I'm not going to wait a month to talk to parents etc. but I hope it resolves itself and doesn't come to mediation.

 

[squirrel.]

Hi there,

First off, sorry your daughter is going through this in her first few weeks at school. I too am a primary teacher and second everything that Dobby has already said. The only thing I would add is to ask the teacher to explain what she is doing in terms of behaviour management for the boy in question. What are his sanctions? What does she do when he repeatedly steals glasses and hits? If it were a child in my class that kept continually doing the same horrible things to the same child I would have that child in every play time and lunch time until they could control themselves better, but I do teach Year 6 and seeing as this is a reception child, that might not be the best approach. At the very least the teacher should be asking one of the playground duty staff to keep an eye on the boy.

It's a tough situation for you to be in and while I understand you feeling proud of your daughter for standing up for herself, hitting back will only serve to get her in trouble as well, as hitting is wrong regardless of who started it. While it may fly in the face of what your motherly instincts are screaming at you (I totally get that!) you should, as Dobby said, teach your daughter what to do if he starts something and an adult isn't around that doesn't involve retaliation. My first advice would be to immediately run to one of the playground duty staff as in an early years setting there should be several outside with the children at all times (and if there aren't that is something to be concerned about!!). While your daughter is doing the right thing I too would be demanding from the teacher to explain what they are doing to curb this boy's behaviour. At the very least he should be sanctioned (however appropriately for reception aged-children), but ideally he would be seen by someone from the pastoral team to find out why he is bullying other children, as most likely something in his own life is sadly going wrong.

One last thing, I would be wary about approaching other parents outside of school or even on the playground, unless you know them, as I have seen well-meaning parents like yourself turned on by others for issues just like this and that might escalate the issue.

Good luck, I really hope this settles down soon. I imagine this isn't what you had in mind with your daughter starting school and I'm really sorry this has put a dampener on things!

 

[Misscalais]

Its so frustrating when bullies start out so young. Makes me think he sees it at home or is bullied himself ( still no excuse )
You just need to keep complaining. You should never really confront a parent on your own though. Ask the teacher to organize a meeting with yourself, the bullies parents and the teacher.
No one wants to believe their kid is a bully, while myself as a parent i would want to know if my child was being mean to others. But unfortunately not many will.

 

[FlumpsMamma]

I understand people's worries about confronting other parents but I'm honestly not one to shy away from confrontation if they start it. The only reason I said someone to the other mother is because she commented that my daughter was edging away from her son on the way home. (His father is African and has a very dark complection) I was making it clear that it was nothing to do with race and my daughter but what her son was doing. She was very reasonable about it and did tell her son off and told him my daughter needs her glasses to see. I know hitting is wrong but I can't help be happy she stuck up for herself but I've told her now at to stay away from him and always go to a teacher or grownup and tell them when he's being nasty. I feel completely helpless because I can't just go in, get the boy by the arm and hand him over to his parents for punishment I have to rely on teachers and staff even though they are wonderful I know they can't just watch my daughter to make sure she's ok.

 

[FlumpsMamma]

For everyone who commented I'm glad to say my little girl came home today saying that the little boy had been nice all day and they even played together. The teacher had kept them separated all morning and it seems to have worked. Her teacher looks ansolutely crestfallen when I told her my daughter didn't want to go to school this morning, I think she's taken a shine to my DD, she's always saying how cute she is and how lovely . I'm so glad that DD and the little boy have managed to get along and he's been nice it's taken a ton of worry off my shoulders

 

[squirrel.]

That's great news!! I'm happy it's all worked out well in the end and you can relax and enjoy this big milestone in your daughter's (and your!) life!