Call from the teacher about my ADHD daughter :(

[AerisandAlex]

My 5-year-old going on 6 in November has ADHD. It's so obvious, her impulse control is out of control >_< I had her tested when she was in preschool because her half siblings all have it and so does her father. I was scared when she started having problems at preschool that she too had it. I knew she was a difficult child, refused to listen to anyone and was very defiant at home but I had no idea how bad it was until today.

She started Kindergarten just over a month ago and I got a call from her teacher this morning and she sounded like she was at her wit's end with my daughter. I was upset, embarrassed, just a mixture of things...

She's become so disruptive in class that they're recommending her to behavior services and considering removing her from the class because she's impeding the other children's ability to learn. She's so smart, she doesn't belong in a special education class, but I don't know what to do.

She's not on any medication for the ADHD, I've been refusing it for some time because I know the way the doctors are now a days... my doctors have agreed with me, surprisingly, in not medicating her for it right away, to try other alternatives but the teacher has told me she's tried everything and nothing seems to be working and it's just the last straw.

I feel awful, I don't want to hurt other the children's ability to learn but I want my daughter to have the same chance to learn as them too. I feel like I'm being selfish and my family is making me feel like her condition is my fault.

I called up the doctor and set up an appointment on Oct 4 (doc is booked until her vacation and then she won't be back til the 3rd) to discuss possible medication to help her and now I feel like the bad guy. The teacher was pushing for it but my family is completely against it. They think I'm trying to medicate her for my own sake and not for her's. Even my own mother, the one person I thought would understand, is hollaring at me, even asking for my daughter to come live with her instead of me. I was very angry that she would even ask such a thing and now I just want to steer clear of my family all together.

I just feel like a bad parent now for turning to medication for my daughter. I feel like I've failed her. I just want her to be okay and succeed in school. The teacher is telling me, by the way she's going, she won't be ready for first grade and may be held back at the end of the year. Apparently, at this school, they expect kids to be reading at a level 3 by the end of kindergarten. I think that's a bit high but that's their standards for the children here.... They say if she could just control her impulses and behavior, she'd be one of the smartest kids in school but she just can't do it...

 

[jlhus]

Don't feel bad at all. My son is 6 and I am having the same issue with him and ADHD. For the last year I have been attempting to control it with diet and strict discipline, but when he is at school it is a completely different story. My mother is also screaming at me for even thinking about trying medication. I would only have him on during school and he would not take it at home. I seem to have a handle on him at home, but he doesn't carry that over to school. You're not alone, and don't let anyone let you feel down about it. You are her mother, you make the decision, not anyone else. And you're doing it for her well being. You know that, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

 

[AerisandAlex]

Thanks Jlhus, that really helps I also have a bit of a handle on my daughter, she's still a bit difficult at times, especially when tempted to show off for her little brother, but other then that, she keeps herself calm by using her blanket.

 

[RachA]

I seem to have it the other way round-my son is amazing at school but a nightmare at home. He makes me feel that it must be me at fault as he's so good at school!

Anyway-don't feel bad. You have tried everything for her and I can tell you are only considering meds because it's the last resort. Ignore everyone who is telling you not to go down the meds route as they are not the ones being affected. However don't feel pushed into giving her meds. If you still feel that you don't want to do meds then I would try and meet with the teacher and see how you can tackle it together. Without being awful it could be as simple as the fact that her teacher doesn't want to have to deal with an ADHD child that isn't on meds because she feels she is out of her depth and then this is having an impact on your daughter.

Are there any methods that you use at home that the teacher could use on your DD when she starts getting disruptive?

 

[Lucasmum]

Dont feel bad hun, we are at a similar stage RE medicating, so far we havent medicated and nor do we want to but it seems to be getting to the stage where we are seriously considering it, neither of us want to but I cant help wondering if it would be for the best in the long run

 

[scoobydrlp]

Don't feel badly about needing to try medication, especially since you've already tried other methods of dealing with it. Think of it this way...if your child had diabetes, would you be expected to handle it without insulin? All you're doing is seeking treatment for a medical issue, and there's nothing wrong that. It would be far more irresponsible for you to ignore the issue or insist that you can handle it on your own, when in fact it is curbing both her learning as well as the learning of her peers.

My SD has ADHD and was diagnosed around 7 years old. Prior to her being on medication she had been suspended from school several times for behavior issues. SUSPENDED at 6 and 7 years old! She is now a sophomore in high school, and an honors student. I understand why people don't want to rush into medicating their children, because lots of kids don't actually need it to succeed. But some do! And why shouldn't they be given the best chance at success that we can provide to them?

 

[JASMAK]

Honestly, I would find a better school. Whether or not your child needs medicine, should be between your doctor and you, but the school sounds a bit rigid.

 

[Zothan Mom]

My parents got the same phone call and so did I. My own little 7 year old girl was diagnosed with it this year.

It is not the end of the world, yes you might have to become a little more strict to get the same results, but it's manageable. Like i said i'm also diagnosed with ADHD and thanks to my mother being very serious and strict and making me understand that to keep your focus on what you are busy with is vitally important and slacking in school is not an option and will not be tolerated, i am a successful woman today and I've learned how to avoid distractions and keep my focus. I know as parents we feel sorry for our children and do not want to add pressure, but being strict in order to help them focus and to help them understand that paying attention in class is a must.

Keep strong. God placed the ability in each mom to cope with situations like these.

 

[AerisandAlex]

Thanks everyone

Honestly, I moved just so my children could go to this school. DH and I both graduated from it and it was the best school we could have ever gone to in our county. I don't want to move too far from my family (which all of them reside here in the same city, in fact my mother is down the road to my right and my grandmother and father are down the road from my left) I couldn't have asked for anything better.

I had to pick my daughter up from school today, she had a fever, and even the Nurse asked me before I left "Is she on any medication because I noticed she has a bit of an attention problem? Does she have ADHD?" ugh I informed her of our appt on Oct 4 and she asked if could be sooner because the teacher had spoken with her about her behavior as well.

 

[Lucasmum]

4th October isnt to far away, we have our appointment on Friday, its been a long time coming and we are hoping to get some answers got a feeling we wont though, I very guiltly have been reaserching different times of medication

 

[AerisandAlex]

Yes, I can't believe they're trying to push it even though it's only a week away. When I visited my doctor to double check to make sure she didn't have an ear ache, they wrote me up a letter to provide the teacher so she'll leave us alone on the subject until the 4th.

I don't blame you, researching the meds out there is something I do too... it's good to know ahead of time what they can do... DH suffers from ADHD and I remember when I went to see him when we were in school together, they gave him a handful of medicine to take every day. It was awful. Even my daughter's half siblings are on medication. I cringe every time they come to stay with us and my MIL hands me their 'bag' of medication. Those children are merely 7 and 8 years old and yet they're on multiple meds. It's one of the main reasons I was fighting to do anything but look into medication. I was so afraid my doctor would prescribe her a multitude of medications... they've assured me though that if they do suggest medication, it will only be one and nothing like DH received or what her half siblings receive, they believe that's borderline abuse for their age. This is why I trust this doctor with everything, I'm so glad they're reasonable about such things and not eager to hand out pills like other doctors in this area. The doctors I've chosen I trust with mine and my children's lives and I'd sooner change insurances to stay with them then change doctors.

 

[marley2580]

Wow, I'd be pretty hacked off at the school tbh. They should not be recommending putting your child on medication, that is between you and your doctor. Just a thought, and it may not be possible, but have you considered home education at all? If it's only the school that's having problems with her behaviour maybe you could do the job a bit better?

 

[AerisandAlex]

I have thought of it, especially for my son because, unlike my daughter who can interact with anyone she comes across, he screams in terror and has horrible separation anxiety from me. They have to stop his speech therapy in December because he's going to be 3 years old so they want to put him in early head start in January rather then wait until it starts again in August so he doesn't lose his progress and I have no idea how that's going to work at this point.

However, her getting out and being with other children, is one of the biggest benefits for her going to school. She is a social butterfly and is happy to play with any child she meets. If she can't interact with someone or something she can get out of control. Even the other day, DH was trying to handle one of her fits differently by acting as if he didn't care and she flipped her bed upside down and tried to break out her windows in her room O.O She needs that structure, whether it's play or discipline with another person. Sometimes, I'll admit, I can hardly handle her. Most days we can manage but there are just some 'off' days where everything's out of control.

Even recently, with the morning sickness getting to me (more like an all day sickness) it's been difficult getting her to listen. I'll be sitting down to try and, well, not vomit, lol, and she'll immediately go off and start wailing on the walls with some toy. I'll ask her to stop and she'll just yell back, "I can't hear you!" and keep doing it. She sees me sitting down trying not to be sick and knows she can do what she wants and there's not much I can do to stop her. Thankfully, DH is around for most of these occurances so he steps in and handles it but he'll be outside working on the farm in the mornings so unless it's raining on Saturday or Sunday, he's out and I'm with the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I love my babies more then anything in the world, I'm just so worried about them. I knew my daughter would have ADHD before she was even 1, but it wasn't as bad as it is now. Sometimes I wish she'd just go back to that lol. She hated sitting on my lap for any period of time, just wanted to go go go but everyone thought it was cute and would just laugh... now I get evil stares in the store or out in public... we went to an open house for her school even and she screamed like we were kidnapping her on the way out, we even had to carry her because she refused to walk, even my own sister and two brothers say to me they don't want to have children simply because they're afraid they'll have my daughter's attitude and they won't be able to handle it.

Most times I feel like I could have done something to prevent this and just feel awful that I couldn't figure out what it was and still can't. She's so smart, and learns so fast, I just want her to be successful and good in school. I even have her in violin lessons because I played the flute when I went to school and feel it was a great way to relax so I figured, maybe playing an instrument would help her channel some of her energy and also get ahead in school (as they don't give the children an option to play an instrument until 5th grade, which is typical in our county.)




As far as options to go to other schools in this area, let me explain. Comparable, this school is the best in our valley. We live in a city called Hermitage, next door to us is the City of Sharon, which is where we were prior to the beginning of the school year. Sharon is a school that doesn't use buses and has their children walk home. I wouldn't mind this but the area is awful. There's hardly a 'nice' part of Sharon at all and it scared me to death thinking my daughter would have to walk home at 5 years old. There have been so many kidnappings and they have the highest teen pregnancy rate! Right now there's over 20 girls, starting at age 12 who are pregnant! I thought that was insane so I moved as quickly as possible to be in this area.

There's also the City of Farrell which is almost directly on top of Sharon and there have been murders, shootings, the works. I used to deliver newspapers in that area and it scared the hell out of me, I couldn't wait to get out of there. They have a high rate of graduates from their school, but it's only because almost all the other children drop out who don't think they'll make it, and again, no buses. The other towns in the area such as Wheatland all go to Farrell schools as they don't have their own.

The school of West Middlesex is a very nice school in a nice area, but they teachers there are nasty to their students. When my friend moved from Hermitage to West Middlesex, they dropped her 3 grades simply because she went to Hermitage, they believed their curriculum was higher then Hermitage's even though they're being looked into for their rate of failures out of that school. While i was moving on to my Junior year, she was restarting 8th grade! My friend was 21 years old when she was senior in high school and she couldn't even finish, she became pregnant and gave birth to a son before the end of the year and had to leave.

Those are pretty much my only options as far as schools. We have a few private schools in the area which I've looked into, but they're religious based schools, not to mention their price is through the roof and it turns out their schools are just as bad as Sharon and Farrell as they're all in the same vicinity.

 

[marley2580]

Tbh it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job as a mum. Have you tried ADHD specific forums for some advice? I really think you need to decide as a family (including your daughter) whether medication is the way for her to go. It shouldn't be based on what your school thinks you should do, but about what you feel will work for your family.

 

[4forme]

My son is 17 now and we have been through everything imaginable with his ADHD. Suspended in kindergarten and 1st grade, kept back a year, all kinds of behavior modification that we could find and nothing worked until we medicated. The last straw was in 2nd grade when he cried that he was stupid and everyone hated him because he couldnt behave. My husband's family and mine were totally against us putting him on medicine, that he was just all boy. Well after the first few weeks of him being on the meds he was a totally different child. HE was happier not just the teachers and us. It helped him soo much to not feel stupid because he couldnt sit still and concentrate. All of our family came back and said they could not beleive the difference in him and said we did the right thing. Do not let anyone else make you feel bad for what you decide for your child. We know our kids the best. If you have any questions send me a message, and no they dont do a bunch of pills they usually start with one and it takes a couple weeks to actually regulate their system for you to see the results. My son has never taken more than 3 a day and that was only to compensate for puberty. He's now down to 2 this year and we will look at it again next year.

 

[AerisandAlex]

Thanks 4forme That really helped.

I spoke with her teacher... again today... she was much more pleasant today but it was still bad news. She said her initial reason for calling was to say thanks for keeping her up to date on the appointment date but then she went into my daughter's day so far... and then went on to say that when she went to activities (gym, art, music, library and technology/computer) she always got a 'report' about my daughter from that teacher too... maybe she was in time out for not listening, or she was wailing on the keyboard...

I've come to the conclusion that the reason the school can't handle her at all is simply for the reason, they're not allowed to discipline her as I do. I'm not a crazy 'get a branch!' mother either, it's more the sternness in the tone of voice. If the teachers raise their voice, even a little, they can get in trouble with the main principle. I find this is the only way to catch her attention and get her to do as she's told.

I really hope whatever the doctor provides on Thursday will do the trick. I don't want to see her being removed from the school for suspension or anything like that. This early in her life, it just seems wrong for suspension to even exist for children of that age

 

[mummy_ellie09]

Hi. I don't normally come in this section but was browsing and came across this thread. My 8-year old nephew was exactly how your daughter is. My sister was at her wits end for long enough with James' behaviour. She could hardly ever take him out, he'd beat on his siblings it was just crazy. Half the time, the only person he'd listen to was my dad.
She had him diagnosed, and he was medicated at the same time, and she hasn't looked back. His behaviour at school has drastically improved, he's a lot happier, she's a lot happier and the sibling rivalry is just as normal as you'd get lol.

Only you and your husband can decide weather you want to turn to medication, but I just wanted to offer another insight to medicated ADHD and how it can change the behaviour of the child

 

[rory83coyotes]

my son has adhd. We were diagnosed at age 4. I resisted starting medication but after seeing him at school a couple of times knew that it was the right thing to do. He only takes one pill in the morning. It is extended release and wears off after about 12 hours.

I had a hard time accepting to give him medication but I looked at it this way. If he had high blood pressure or diabetes then I would hesitate to give him the meds to make his life better. ADHD is also a disease. I feel that it should be treated as such. Its not something that they can control. But if you do decide to give meds then it is up to you how much they get. They don't treat with only the stimulants anymore. There are a couple of other options. Good luck. Besides if you tried meds and you didn't like them then you have the option to stop at any point. Its not a life time commitment

 

[AerisandAlex]

Thanks everyone After consulting with her doctor, we decided to prescribe her a mediciation. This doctor is great though, she's not just jumping to any specific dosage, we're just starting at the lowest dosage and then working our way up to see what the best dosage will be for her. It's only one pill that she has to take in the morning and it's extended release too. We're going to do monthly evals for her to see how it's working and if we need to change the dosage at any point. We've seen a tiny bit of change in her, but the doctor said not to expect to much as it's the lowest dosage and it'll probably help her for a short time this month but her body will probably get used to it and we'll just slowly increase the dosage.

 

[kmere]

no youre not a bad mom , i know it is difficult . i have a 7 year old who is going on 16.. she was diagnosed with ADHD AND BEHAVIORAL problems. we didnt want tto put her on the meds but when we did we saw a huge difference . and when i say huge . i mean it . she was getting sent home from school everyday , me getting the phone call everyday to come pick her up. so far from what i have learned . is children who are like my daughter , need a lot of consistency .. everything has to be mapped out that includes brushing teeth , showers, getting dressed.. etc / and so far it has helped // we do have our bad days and our good days . its a trial i can say that . but it is your choice on what you want to do . .
we decided in the long run that she needed meds and it has shown when her mind isnt racing that she can do her work in school . 7 years old and reading at a 5th grade level and doing much better at math. at first we thought she was just bored . but she just couldnt focus . and now we have a in-home therapist to come help at home while school breaks are coming up so fast.. i hope this helps ..