Can I move on?

[SloppyJoe]

My little precious baby would be almost 19 weeks old...but LO died.
It happened so fast I'm still in shock.
I have to deliver in two days...i'm scared to see LO.
Having my hopes up and falling in love with our baby, and to bury it so soon. It's cruel.
They said it was a chromosome problem, that my crohns did not cause it. I hope it's true....
My husband and I grieved and are still of course grieving. We will bury our baby with my moms family in a homemade coffin lined with silk.
I almost died this week, my blood was 6.0, fever of 102.5, starvation mode, and infection making my immune system go crazy...white blood count 25k+...
there is a part of me that kind of wishes maybe I too would have died...
But I can't stay depressed...I have to get healthy again...LO would have wanted me to.
I dread seeing our baby, all deformed and small....

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry, my heart breaks for you.

I gave birth to my Ava at 20 weeks, I gave birth in my house and was rushed to the hospital and stayed for 3 hours and was released/ I felt the same way as you I was so scared to hold her and see her, but thank God I did. At first I said no I could not handle it, then the nurse sat with me quietly and said right now you are confused but in the next couple of weeks you are going to be in a very bad place with all emotions and you will forever be changed by this loss ( I know now she spoke the truth) then she said if you don't hold her this will be something you will not only regret but it will haunt you later on. So I decided I did want to hold and I did hold her for an hour and just was so in love with her, I didn't cry at that time I think i was in total shock she was right about all of it hitting me later on. I want to go back and thank that nurse for telling me to hold my Ava , I know if I didn't I would be in a worse place than I am in. Going through this process is hell and it hurts to no end, but you do what you think is best, for me I will never regret seeing her and holding her. We buried her on 3-11-2011 and I had total peace once she was laid to rest. It has been a year & 7 months and while I am better and stronger the pain is always there and no you never get over it , you do reach a point of making peace with it, but there are still days I just cry it comes when I least expect it, most days are good though. You will get through this, never over it but through it. If you ever need me just message me, I am so sorry. Sending so much love your way. Andrea

 

[Lottelotte]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope today was gentle on you

I found out on my weddding anniversary on the 7th october that my baby boy had become an angel. I delievered him two days later on the 9th. I think for me, the hardest part was waiting to deliever him. There were so many unknowns. I spent time with him and held him. My husband wasn't sure if we should see him, but i knew i wanted to. And i am so glad i did.

Take care

Xx

 

[gnomette]

hi i am so sorry for your loss xx i lost my son at 20wks in may an at first i didn't know if i wanted to see him but i am so glad i did an as strange as it is i still miss cuddling him now my arms miss him if that makes any sense i miss him an think of him everyday but as well as my heart aching an missing him my arms miss him being tucked up in the crook of my elbow but its good in a way cause when i feel like that i just sit close my eyes an i remember cuddling him talking to him an i cherish that time i did have with him i spent alot of time going back to the hospital an funeral home talking an crying an telling him how much i love him but the funny thing like andy panda said the first time i held him i didn't cry its a feeling i can not explain xx but the point is i am glad i did it i obviously wish that instead of a box of ashes i had my boy cause i can always remember that time i did have with him i means the world to me x at the end of the day just sit with him an see how you go take it one step at a time an no matter what you do or don't do your lo knows how much you love them xx

 

[Twinkle 3]

Hi im sorry your having to go through this also. i gave birth at 22 weeks to my little boy at beginning of this year. when i was in labour i couldbt bear what was happening but you seem to go into auto pilot and power through. i was so scared to look at my little boy when he was born as i didnt know what to expect but he looked like a very very tiny baby. I stayed in hospital all day holding him and i stayed over night aswel so i could spend as much time as possible with him. my advise to people in the same situation to me iss to spend as much time with your baby as possible, hold them dress them. i know it sounds bad but take photos and gather as many memories as you possibly can such as hand and foot prints. if i had my time again with my little boy i would have taken more photos.

I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this. You wont ever forget your baby but one day it will get easier to cope with whats happend. I coped in the first week as i kept myself busy arranging the perfect funeral for my little boy. i wanted to do him prud and i did.

Theres so much i could say about my experience but i wont go on and on. im here if you want to talk.

Just stay strong x x x x x

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

My waters broke at 17 weeks in August and I delivered our precious baby girl at 19 weeks. Like you I was terrified to see my baby but I am so so glad I did. I thought Freya would look scary and deformed but she was just beautiful. Absolutely perfect. Her little face was perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes. Me, my dh, my mum and sister spent the afternoon with her holding her and looking at her. She was around 7-8 inches long and weighed just under 1 pound. Apart from being small, the only difference between her and a full term baby was the colour of her skin, it was red and a bit transparent. The midwife wrapped her in a little blanket and put a little hat on her.

I am so so sorry for your loss. We are all here for you xx