Cannot discuss discipline with husband

[fxmummyduck]

So after one day and night of being in bed with the flu, dh has had enough with dealing with our 3 year old. I got up this morning to them both kicking off about all sorts, and by nap time we'd had a massive row. He basically accused me of spoiling ds because apparently he was so shocked to hear the word no I must never say it to him, as surely a 3 year if he's being told no all the time must have learnt what it means by now.
I was so irate and upset that he thinks I just spend all day letting him do anything he wants, saying yes to every request and never disciplining him.

Either way, I guess the details aren't important, what the matter is that we CANNOT and have never managed a sensible calm discussion about dealing with behavior. I feel like dh is so far off the mark with understanding what a child at a certain age can and cannot understand, why they're trying to push your buttons, reasons sometimes he'll get upset, why telling a child to do something once isn't enough to then have good behavior all the time. I end up so speechless that he comes out with all this s**t, that he has no innate/intuitive response to his son that I literally can't stand talking to him about it.

It always escalates to him saying I always have to have it my way, that I'm always right, I'm patronizing him, ending with fine, do it your way then I just won't bother. Urghh I am so frustrated and angry 😡

I send him articles to read with things I think are a good idea but it doesn't get me anywhere.

I might add I think ds is pretty good. Only has occasional tantrums, the main things are not listening, saying no all the time and whining. Dh takes it personally with the whining that whatever we do is not good enough...that's his issue but I wish he could control the way he reacts sometimes, he has a hot temper just like his mum.

Sorry for the huge rant! I just don't know how to talk to him about it, we really are on completely different planets over these issues and I'm sick of arguing over ds as it seems to be the main thing we argue about, nothing else.

Thanks for listening x

 

[citrusfruit]

I can so relate to this! My DH is really good with our little boy but on occasion gets angry with him when he is having a tantrum. This is a massive no for me! I really don't have any advice but totally get how hard it is being on opposite ends. I have tried to tell myself that whilst consistency is important, I think it is more important to do things the way you believe is right.

 

[SarahBear]

This sounds like a huge issue. If he has no parenting skills and isn't open to improving, then that spells bad news for family life all around. He could definitely benefit from parenting classes as well as spending more time around his son in order to understand him better, but honestly, if he's not open to constructive criticism, then nothing is going to get better.

 

[fxmummyduck]

It's the only thing we disagree about, he's a brilliant Dad apart from this. It all stems from not feeling very confident I think. He plays with him, takes him out places, does bath and bed and stories, they have fun together playing ball and chase etc, and like being silly together. It's definitely not that he has no parenting skills! We just can't agree on certain disciplines.

 

[redneckhippy]

This sounds like my husband. He's a very good dad, but we have different ideas of discipline and what should be expected of our toddler, but he thinks I'm criticizing him if I try to say anything. I don't really have any advice because I have the same problem, but you're not alone.

 

[fxmummyduck]

Thanks redneck, yes dh definitely takes it as criticism when all I'm really trying to do is get us both on the same page. The expectations of our toddler seem to be changing a bit I think. Sorry you're dealing with this too!