Cannot Imagine Donor Child Need Advice

[MF WIFE]

I am married to the most amazing person ever. Story book stuff . Long story short we have been married for five years, ttc since day one and also had one failed ICSI cycle in our second year of marriage, he has low count, and all the m's are extremely low. After ICSI (14 follies) our specialist advised that we use donor sperm. I know its a chance to have a 'complete' family and he would be an amazing dad to the child but I just cannot get used to the idea! I am afraid that I will obsess too much over the thought that it is not his biological child and mess up the experience and the innocent child's life as I am beginning to do to our marriage.

The confusion as to whether donor sperm is the answer is turning me into a monster. My biggest fear is that the child will be unhappy and blame me as well as other peoples judgements.

Any advice on how to cope and make the right decision. All opinions, positive or negative will be welcomed.

 

[sarah2211]

I read your post this morning and have been thinking about it a bit today. I'm sorry no one has replied. Probably because most of us here aren't at the point you are at and it would be hard to fathom. I'd suggest posting in the assisted conception forum too.

But I wonder if you have been to speak with a counsellor. I know where I live, that's compulsory for procedures beyond IUI. It might help to give you some clarity, especially if it's a fertility counsellor.

Where I live, there's recently been a tv documentary that follows 8 couples infertility journey. It was a fantastic series and unfortunately I don't think it's available in other countries. But anyway, one couple were having a lot of trouble. I can't quite remember what the full story was, but he had no fertility related troubles but she had to undergo IVF for a female related issue. Anyway, they had 3 successful rounds of IVF, but unfortunately she had a genetic issue and they all ended in MC. So they did embryo transfer. The first two rounds were unsuccessful and their last embryo had deformities and they were given a 5% chance. In the last episode she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I nearly cried haha.

But they talked a lot about the emotional side of things. The husband, a pretty down to earth farmer, said that we love our pets even though they're not biologically ours. He knew that he could love a baby no matter what.

I've never given birth, but I'd imagine the bond and the love you would have for something growing inside you would be extreme. You would always know in the back of your mind the steps you had to go through, but I think it would only make me love our little one even more and be so grateful for the opportunity to love, nurture and care for him or her.

I don't think a child of a sperm donor would automatically be unhappy. It would be up to you both whether you were up front with him/her about that or not but children just want to be loved and have time spent with them.

I think it might help you if you wrote down everything you were thinking and feeling. I feel that there's a lot more going on for you than this small amount you've written.

Please keep us posted on how you get on. Good luck.

 

[MF WIFE]

Thank you for your empathy and for your sincere answer. I really hope your journey will end in beautiful babies. I also started trying when I was 25, 31 years old now so battle scars are starting to show.

I had the privilege of seeing a great therapist but I was still anti doning then. I think you're correct I should maybe go back - take a step back and just breath ;-). Thank you for the assisted conception forum tip I somehow missed that. I will link if possible otherwise repost there.

Infertility is such a personal journey and even writing here is difficult for me but I think all the bottling up of emotions has led me to this dark place I currently find myself in. I really want my husbands child but we have tried and all doctors assured us that it was a long shot. After everything I was still hoping on a natural conception miracle but I knew deep down this day will come where I had to face reality and start thinking of alternative ways and means to be a mother.

 

[MKaykes]

I don't think there is a one size fits all plan for growing your family. You have to do what feels right in your heart. If carrying a baby yourself is really important to you, this could be your only option.

How does DH feel about it?

Honestly, though I don't know you, I'm sure after 9 months of growing your baby with the support of DH I don't think the biology would matter (assuming DH is on board with the donor sperm plan). As soon if you two hold that baby in your arms you will both feel a love bigger than you can imagine. You've waited so long for that.

I know for me, I've known in my heart as long as I remember is that adoption is my option if a child biologically with my spouse isn't an option. IVF isn't even something that feels like the right answer for me (personal choice, I know it is a wonderful option for many families). I don't know what your faith is like, but I pray about it regularly and I know and trust God has a plan for me and is leading me through this painful ttc journey.

Good luck in your journey. I agree with the pp about finding a counselor to discuss your concerns and feelings with.

 

[Mrs. Atole]

I would sit down with hubby and really ask about his feelings, Men have a lot of pride and i would want to know what he is feeling, I pray all goes well, but you really need to dig deep and speak with your husband if you both are ok with this then God bless if not then i wouldn't do it.

 

[MF WIFE]

Thanks for the replies! My husband is the one that has been suggesting doning since before we did ICSI. He is extremely supportive and feels that it would be our child regardless of the biology. I am afraid that I might be in over my head with all the emotions and decisions. I sometimes get frustrated that the decision is so easy for him but he really wants us to be happy. I agree that there is not only one plan that fits all and also with the fact that we should both be okay. He is very okay I guess Im still dealing with the unfairness of it all.Thanks for all the advice Im beginning to calm down, I was feeling irrational for a bit.