Can't decide on number 2

[Jazzbird]

Hello

I'm 39 and have a 20 month old daughter. She is the light of my life and I love her dearly. She has a very easy going temperament - only issue we have is early waking!

My husband has chronic fatigue and I suffered really badly with morning sickness for 7 months. I have found it so hard to transition from independent career woman to mummy. I look at my daughter and know she would be delighted with a sibling but I'm scared of the effect another child would have on our lives. My husband can just about cope with his job but majority of house/childcare falls to me. Also our marriage has suffered since she came along. My husband has so little energy - I'm wondering if we should stop at 1 and enjoy the wonderful little soul that we have. Or whether I will really regret not having another. Such mixed feelings. Also time is not on my side .. And would we get a horror?!!

Any thoughts?

 

[iluvcocopops]

Hi congrats on having such a good child. Mine has been a wee monkey from day one (she's now 4) & I'm in a similar boat. Do we stop at 1 and have a bit more money or do we try for another & go through 4 more years of crèche fees & sleepless nights...Molly-Rose helped us decide & she has been asking for a baby for the past year. So I thought we will try & see what happens. If we only ever have her then we are blessed, but if we have another baby it will be a bonus. Don't worry about getting a noisy baby next time, it's not that bad. All the best for the future x

 

[Mummy of Ange]

I have the same predicament for #3.

We have been through so much, we lost twins at 24 weeks on Christmas Day 2010, I then had two miscarriages then successfully got pregnant with my eldest daughter Scarlett who is nearly 4, we then had another girl 26 months later, Daisy.

My partner would love a boy and has said he thinks we should go for it, however it's easy for him to say. Maternity pay at my job is basic stat pay, our relationship suffers because I don't think he pulls his weight when they are babies (he's great with them now they older), plus our sex life is virtually none existent when I'm pregnant due to the fear after the twins.

I'm 37 now so feel the decision needs to be made quick. I don't want to say no then reach 40 and regret it.

It's hard but I'm sure you will make the right decision for you x

 

[Katie Potatie]

Hi Jazzbird,
I followed your story on another thread that I checked in on when I was considering acupuncture. And was so delighted when I found out you were having your baby girl!! 💗

Oh, such a personal and individualized situation to decide to have a second Little one. I suppose I can only share my experience. Once my daughter was 2 and I was no longer sleep-deprived and could think straight, I was finally ready to even consider having another child and I knew time was not on my side, in terms of fertility.

My husband was definitely not in favor of having any more children as he was very happy with our little girl. However, for me, I felt like our family was not complete. And our marriage suffered with the birth of our daughter in terms of adjusting to being parents together instead of being just "Us."

But I realized, that I would cry every time I would think about my daughter not having any family after we were gone (we do not have a big extended family in her generation), And I finally had to tell my husband how much I longed for a sibling for her. That this was all about setting up her life for the future.

The main driving reason I had my son, was because I wanted her to always have family. Now, of course, I absolutely loved getting to experience having another child all over again, but my daughter WAS the reason for my push to have another child. My biggest fear for my daughter was that she would be alone in this world after her parents, her grandparents, her aunts and uncles, my cousins, everyone was gone. I had this great internal fear of her being left alone, because that is the reality of our family structure.

Now. That is just me and my situation with my daughter.

However, I am an only child and it ain't bad! Not at all! Of course, as a little one, I wanted a sibling. But growing up and being the center of attention and getting the sole focus, was not a bad situation! You have a very special connection with your parents and their love is all yours. So when you have a second, you don't have to split your love, but you have to split your time and attention between the kids accordingly.

And I DID fear I would get a challenging child after having my angel. But nope. My daughter was a terrible sleeper for 3 years...and my son is perfection with sleeping. But my daughter was independent and able to cope with things easily and my baby boy is a big a baby when things don't go his way!

I fully understand having all of the responsibility of childcare and household work, and going from being an independent working woman to a mommy. And that was a very tough adjustment period for a while before I felt comfortable in my new role. But it's actually easier the second time around because you've been there, done that. And I fully expected that when we had a second, I was going to shoulder that responsibility, as well. As long as you know that going into it, it makes it easier to manage.

I know you will find the right answer for your family, and I wish you all the best in whatever your future may hold!

 

[Apple111]

Hi jazzbird, & hi to other mummy's ive chatted with some of u on ther threads im in sort of similar situ as u only difference is I have older teenage children. We have a 2 year old and after long discussion we have decided to try for a little sibling for our youngest. Couple of reasons really. Our older 2 are very close and have so many memories together, I am also very close to my sibling and we just wanted our youngest to have this too. It might not work out but I just feel that my clock is ticking lol.. I'm 37 and partner 45 so it was now it never really !
Also a thought of ours was that with us being older parents now :/ we want as much support for our youngest as we get older.
Like u my partner gets very tired easily due to personal/ physical things so most of house work, all night times are done by me and will be again. I just find it easier to do it this way anyway. I too have a career that is quite demanding so I have decided to definately have 12 months mat leave and then try and reduce my hours after to 3 days. I'm hoping I won't feel the pressure as much then and be able to get into a good routine.I'm pretty good at juggling , done it for years but I'm also good at taking my own advice I work within mental health and tell people everyday importance of " me time " and stress management . It's not always practical I know but I've found for me even making myself sit down for 10 mins makes all the difference. I know it will be hard at times but they are just such a blessing we decided to give it a go.. What ever you decide will be right for you, good luck x

Apple ️xx

 

[Alita]

hi Jazzbird ! I remember u from ttc and was very happy when u concieved
i thing we got pregnant around similar times , i have a 21 month old boy , he was an angel as a baby and he still has a good temperament although he has plenty of energy !
i had him when i was 38 , i got pregnant very soon after ( unplanned ) and accepted it as a blessing as i was already 39 , we concieved another boy and to be honest before convieving him I wasnt sure i wanted a second , but it happened and we looked forward to him .
i don't regret a second having him ,( my boys are only 16 months apart) he brought a balance to our family and for some reason i feel much more relaxed than before having a second one.
we where lucky as he is even calmer than his brother but we are also much more calmer and I think that makes a difference .

all i can say the second baby is so much more enjoyable and one feels usually so much content , ive spoken to a few people and many think the same way .
As for being exhausted , i am lucky my husband does 50% of the work with the boys ( we are selfemployed) and is not bad at all , we also hire babysitters a lot to help us as we dont have family around .

whatever you decide i really dont think u will regret having a second , as for them having a sibling is great but it doesny warranty a friendship for life , and eventually most likely they will have their own children /family so having an only child doesnt mean theyll be lonely for life .
as for marital relationship , having kids is a huge test but me and my husband got much closer after our second boy , he brough a lot of peace , luck and happines to us .. maybe we got lucky but I wanted to share my views with u
best of luck !
a

 

[Septie]

Jazzbird,

I don't think there is a right answer. I think in your situation, I would stop at one (for the record, I have 3, but a very involved spouse). Our first, now 6 - is a very difficult child. Brilliant, but very difficult and exhausting. And keep in mind that he is "normal", without any particular challenges. Thankfully, #2 is the easiest child you could possibly imagine.
If you stop at one, will there be a period where she will want a sibling? Probably...Hey, my older two wanted a 4th, a few weeks after #3 was born. Will her having a sibling guarantee that she won't be alone after you are gone? No...I don't expect I'll be in touch with my brother after my parents have passed.
What does your husband think? Having two is much harder and noisier than 1 in many ways - as there will be fighting and loud playing. Is he even willing to go for another with his condition?
If you do stop at one - you will have to keep in mind that you can put so much more effort into her than if she had a sibling. It isn't all bad.