Can't stop feeling guilty (LONG)

[peanut56]

Hi ladies,

I formula feed my baby girl. Throughout my entire pregnancy, my plan was to exclusively breastfeed for the first 2 or 3 months, then combo feed. I have absolutely nothing against anyone who chooses to exclusively formula feed from the start, I think there's nothing wrong with it at all, I just wanted to breastfeed because it's free, and because of all the benefits of breast milk.
When my baby was born, she was jaundiced, pretty badly. She spent a full 24 hours under the lights before being discharged. When they diagnosed her with jaundice, they told me the best thing I could do was to give her formula on top of the breastfeeding, because she basically needed to poo and pee it out of her system. So I did. After a couple of days, she no longer wanted to take the breast. I would try, she would suck for maybe a second or two, then start screaming. She had gotten too used to the ease of eating from a bottle, and didn't have the patience to wait for the breast milk. I tried a few things, nipple shields, I tried pumping for a couple of minutes first, but she would just scream and scream. After 3 weeks, I couldn't handle the stress anymore (on top of that, I was dealing with my husband suffering from PND, which is a whole other story), she would scream and I would cry. So I stopped trying. I pumped for awhile, but I was getting less and less and less, so I stopped doing that too eventually. So she is now exclusively formula fed.
I have tremendous guilt over this. Even though I never thought there was anything bad about other people feeding their babies formula, I cannot stop feeling incredibly guilty about giving up the breastfeeding. I feel like I failed her. I can't think about it without crying. I can't explain the situation to people who ask without crying. And I feel like people (who don't know the situation) judge me for not breastfeeding.
My baby is happy and healthy, which is all that matters, but I cannot shake the guilt, no matter what I do. Is there anyone else going through something similar? How can I snap myself out of it? Please help.

 

[jacr2604]

Don't feel guilty Honey.. You did what was best by your baby at that moment in time. I was in a situation simular to yours. I was determined to breast feed but I had a labial haematoma (not correct spelling i dont think) and got taken into surgery and had an Epidural etc and had to get my Husband to formular feed and they said I couldn't go to boob after. Rubbish mw. Now I feel guilty also, but I did what I could at the time and his happy and healthy, gaining weight perfectly. Yure baby wont love you any less my loverly xx dont be too hard on yourself xx

 

[MrsRabbit]

I'm sorry. I would not feel guilty. You were given misinformation from people you trusted. I nursed a baby through extreme jaundice. I had everyone telling me I had to give him watered down formula. I was confident in what I'd read and I nursed and nursed. If I hadn't been so convinced I would have listened to those doctors\nurses.

It's hard when you have people, most well meaning, who do not always have the best information to make your breastfeeding relationship successful.

DD wouldn't nurse, I had to pump for weeks before she would, my supply never recovered. I always had to supplement until we learned of her medical issues which forced us to Elemental formula.

Some things are beyond our control.

 

[bathbabe]

dont feel bad, in real life nobody truely cares how a baby is fed, as long as it is fed! I couldnt care less if the person at the next table in a cafe is BFing or FFing. Its a personal choice and NOBODY should be judged for it. Unfortunatly on here there are a few extremists on here that think you should breastfeed no matter what X

 

[ILoveShoes]

I had a similar situation...
My LO couldn't latch. I expressed for the first 3 weeks and cup fed him, then he would latch using nipple shields, so i BF'd for the next 8 weeks. I'm not lying to you, every single feed was a struggle LO was so fussy on the boob, he was such an unsettled baby, and I could not do it without the shields. I cried almost every time I fed him, and started to dread him getting hungry. It was awful. I was so stressed and it was affecting my LO too.
Eventually, I decided to switch to FF. I felt tremendously guilty, and I cried the first time DH gave him a bottle.
But... 6 weeks on, I can honestly say that I'm so glad we made the change! We are both so much happier now
My LO is thriving. He's happy. I'm happy. Like someone said before, as long is baby is being fed, it doesn't matter how they are fed.
I don't love my LO any less now than I did when I was BFing! If anything, I find bring his mummy so much easier and more fun because we are both happy.
Don't feel guilty!
We all do what's best for our babies.
xx

 

[summer rain]

Hi

You have no need to feel guilty, you were given misinformation as others have said. Very severe, sometimes prolonged jaundice runs in my family and my dh's. With my eldest his levels were above the exchange transfusion line but since it was found he and I had the same blood group they decided to have 4 lights on him for about 90 hours, they insisted on giving him virtually all formula at this time and tried to blame my milk. In the end I do believe in his case, this was one factor leading to him being jaundiced for 4 months. As soon as they took the lights off him, his levels shot back up. My youngest is now experiencing similar. Anyway it's the medical professionals who should feel guilty not you.

 

[OmarsMum]

Hi hun, my advise, dont spend those 1st months in guilt, they never come back & you will regret it later. I had a traumatic emergency CS. Omar couldnt latch on & he developed jaundice as the MW refused to give him formula & he was starved for 18 hrs. He started screaming & even a BFing consultant gave up after 2 hrs of trying. I insisted on formula, but I tried to express with no success, as I didnt have any milk. He was kept under light for 2 full days, & fed from a syringe every 2 hrs. I had support at home to BF & I tried to express but there was no milk. I felt like a failure & I couldnt bond. I spent almost everyday crying. At 3 weeks he finally latched on but there was no milk. At 6 weeks his reflux started & we struggled until we found a suitable formula & I finally decided to move on & spend my energy & time with my LO instead of feeling guilty. I dont remember anything about the 1st 6 weeks, I was soo occupied with misery & feeling sorry for myself. Next time, I will try to BF but if it doesnt work, I will offer my next formula with no guilt. I have a very smart 13.5 months, who thrived on formula. Try to move on hun & enjoy your baby. Best wishes. xxx

 

[a_c]

Do not be guilty. You did what you thought was best & were medically advised to do, you did this because you love your baby & want the best for them. Your child will not care if you breastfed them. X

 

[mrsraggle]

I experienced similar. Had an emergency section, didn't hold Ellie for a few hours after birth and then she just wouldn't latch. On Day 5 of her life they were threatening me with taking her back into hospital because she hadn't passed urine in 24 hours. So I combined EBM and FF for a month, and then switched to FF exclusively. I still feel guilty every now and then but I felt awful in the first months. Since we started solids I feel less guilty - we are BLW as planned in pregnancy so I finally feel like I've done something I planned!

 

[PepsiChic]

i know how you feel, i set myself a goal of bf exclusively for 1 year, but things didnt work out like that. i had low supply issues, at 4 months i had to combination feed because my LO not only stopped putting weight on but started to loose weight. at 5 months my supply had more or less dried up so now i FF only.

i feel so guilty even though i know its whats best for my baby.

i guess when we expect ourselves to do something, and then we cant we feel like we let ourselves and our babys down.

try not to beat yourself up too much about it, i know its hard, just look at your gorgeous healthy happy baby and remind yourself that as long as shes happy and healthy your doing the right thing.

 

[peanut56]

Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. I'm trying to just move forward and be happy that I have a healthy, thriving baby (which I am happy about, believe me), I'm just having a hard time letting go of the guilt.
Thank you again

 

[Nixynoo]

Hi peanut,
am hoping this MSG will help...I'm mum to two and a midwife ;0)
Ava is my first born and is 7. She was breastfed exclusively for a whole year, never had a pacifier and went straight to a cup without ever having used a bottle! I thoroughly enjoyed feeding her, found it easy and rewarding and assumed I would repeat this when we had another child.
Jack (my gorgeous 2 month old) decided that wasn't going to be lol :0)
I breastfed him for 6 weeks...adequate milk supply, no attachment issues excellent weight gain etc...instead he would not let me detatch him without screams of fury! My husband works offshore and I just couldn't do this and look after Ava at the same time without one suffering! I mix fed for 2 weeks and Jack is now exclusively formula fed (aptimil)
as a mum AND a midwife I urge you not to feel guilty - a calmer happier mummy formula feeding is better than an upset, depressed breastfeeding mum! Breast is certainly the number one option but children also thrive on formula!
Please remember that you decrease your childrens "risk" of the various illnesses by breastfeeding NOT take away the possibility of them getting it anyway - it's also dependent upon lifestyle. Enjoy your time with your gorgeous girl and remember every baby is different ;0)

 

[Odd Socks]

*hugs*
it's only the last month or so i've stopped feeling guilty about not breastfeeding (like you, i always planned to, & assumed i'd be able to). sometimes i still feel sad about it, but it's more because it was something i really wanted, rather than feeling i'm not doing the best for bella.
it's helped me so much knowing i'm not the only one. i think, beforehand, no-one ever really tells you that it might not work, & you're made to feel like it should be the easiest, most natural thing in the world. about 2/3 of the mums i know formula feed because for whatever reason, they couldn't breastfeed.
xx

 

[peanut56]

Thank you again for the support. I'm so grateful to have found this site, the people here are really are wonderful.
Thank you.

 

[Nessicle]

So glad I saw this thread I'm feeling exactly the same hun and can't stop crying

Ava is 6 days old and I'm FF after I spent two days in hospital crying from the pain of her latch even though thees nothing wrong with it, she bites down hard before I've had chance to get my entire nipple in I'm still trying but it's very painful and can't see me carrying on for long.

There's no support or information for FF either I was just left to get on with it!

 

[Raggydoll]

Hi hun, my advise, dont spend those 1st months in guilt, they never come back & you will regret it later. I had a traumatic emergency CS. Omar couldnt latch on & he developed jaundice as the MW refused to give him formula & he was starved for 18 hrs. He started screaming & even a BFing consultant gave up after 2 hrs of trying. I insisted on formula, but I tried to express with no success, as I didnt have any milk. He was kept under light for 2 full days, & fed from a syringe every 2 hrs. I had support at home to BF & I tried to express but there was no milk. I felt like a failure & I couldnt bond. I spent almost everyday crying. At 3 weeks he finally latched on but there was no milk. At 6 weeks his reflux started & we struggled until we found a suitable formula & I finally decided to move on & spend my energy & time with my LO instead of feeling guilty. I dont remember anything about the 1st 6 weeks, I was soo occupied with misery & feeling sorry for myself. Next time, I will try to BF but if it doesnt work, I will offer my next formula with no guilt. I have a very smart 13.5 months, who thrived on formula. Try to move on hun & enjoy your baby. Best wishes. xxx

This is quite possibly the best advice I have seen. (quoted)

Please don't feel guilty hun, you're doing what is best for you and your baby.

 

[Eala]

Someone posted this link on the Breastfeeding Grieft support group (in the groups & discussions area on here). It is one of the best articles I've ever read, thought I'd share it in here too

https://fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/2010/11/on-letting-go-of-guilt.html#comment-form

Kudos to bky for posting it first

 

[jojo_b]

there's a thread on here started by Wriggley where some girls make some VERY good points about BF guilt...have a look at it. i feel dreadfully guilty still but reading some of the sensible things other girls have said is making the logical side of my brain kick in a bit! yes, it might not have been part of the masterplan to FF our babies, but god - look at our avatars peanut! such beautiful, happy babies! they clearly don't feel like we're failing them!

 

[peanut56]

Thanks