Can't Stop Thinking Or Hurting- Anyone Around To Listen?

[Abblebubba]

Hello everyone;
I dont think i have ever posted about my loss but in July 2008, I lost my beautiful baby at home in my bathroom
I have never written about this as i have always kept it private it was my special moment my pregnancy and nobody knew about it, just me and i would lie there of an evening just holding my tummy, my baby was there i could feel her, her? well im sure she was my princess 99% sure that she was a girl and she was the bonny baby girl i had longed for.
I started getting cramps in the morning and throughout the day they got worse and i started to worry, as i wasn't sure what was going on..
There was no blood just cramping so i remember going for a lie down and i was woken up by a feeling i can only explain as ''wetting the bed'' - I had been bleeding very heavily whilst i was asleep and the pain was now unbarable, as i got to the bathroom i had to sit on the floor.
[Sorry for the detail may upset readers ]

Spoiler

I could feel something coming out of my lady parts that i thought to myself shouldnt be happening! It was hurting so much i had to give mild force to get what i believed to be my princess out and a lot of blood- When i looked at the bathroom rug i saw my baby not in a way i ever, ever wanted to but still my baby, i looked closer and i saw her tiny precious arm and hand and that was all i could see - please i am so so sorry if i have upset anyone by this.

But i called for my mum as i had to get to the hospital i was being sick and felt very faint, before taking the rug with me to A&E i took a picture, now i dont know why but then it felt like the right thing to do?
When igot to the hospital i was told i had misscarried and i would have to go to theatre as there were dangerous goings on still in my stomach and i had lost a lot of blood.
When i woke up a few hours after all this i felt nothing, just nothing...
They told me i would feel very low and different for a while but they promised there were people that could help me, help me? how? i had lost all i ever wanted and they wanted me to go to counceling?

The other day i was sat in my bathroom a different bathroom as we have moved house but none the less it all came back to me the pain, i could feel it all it was like i was re-living it again- i broke into tears and i cant get it out of my head the pain, the crying, the emptiness.
I dont want to be close to anyone but i dont want to be left on my own...

Is there anyone here that knows what im going through, and is it going to hurt like this forever?

 

[Blondie007]

I am so sorry for your loss. It's one of the worst things I have ever been through. As cliched as it sounds, it does get a little easier to deal with but you will always have good and bad days. I do now and I am close to a year anniversary. Valentine's day will never be the same for me again.

What you are feeling is totally normal. You have experienced something that you dont just forget over night. The recent snow brought back all my old feelings. I felt like I was back there again, with it all about to happen again.

If you are struggling with dealing with it all, you should get down your GPs and see if there is someone you can talk to about it to try to get these things out in the open and hopefully try to heal .

Sending lots and lots of hugs your way xxx

 

[Bingles]

Im so sorry you had to go through that massive hugs to you and floaty kisses to your lil one

 

[palebrand]

Im so sorry you had to go through that massive hugs to you and floaty kisses to your lil one

 

[MrsT2B]

 

[jess_smurf]

sorry for your loss xx

 

[LittleAngel09]

 

[v2007]

I am so sorry, no Mummy should ever have to go through that.

V xxxx

 

[danniemum2be]

so so sorry for your loss x x

 

[Abblebubba]

Thank you so much its so nice for you all to listen to me, I still keep re living it if I sit in bathroom too long on my own I dunno what to do about that

 

[secretbaby]

It did help me to go to councelling - I found it helped for someone to listen who I could be honest with and it helped that someone else knew about Billy as so many people behaved like he didn't exist. It could not change what happened but it did help me get things out rather than them going round in my head, as there are some things you just cant say to your OH, Mum, Friends - or someone you will see again. On here is the most honest I can be in real life.

Please remember you are not alone.

 

[Fooled_Heart]

I'm so sorry hun. Floaty kisses to your angel

 

[babesx3]

 

[rachlou]

Hi hun i hope u r okay i have just had a miscarriage at 19 weeks well i say just 2 months ago its my little boys funeral friday i hope you are okay i too feel simular very lost and alone x x x

 

[Abblebubba]

Hi hun i hope u r okay i have just had a miscarriage at 19 weeks well i say just 2 months ago its my little boys funeral friday i hope you are okay i too feel simular very lost and alone x x x

Thank you im very sorry for your loss hun - Lost, alone and feel like i can talk to no one about it as they just passed it off as a baby i had lost- some people didnt class her as that

 

[Ozzieshunni]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know if the pain does ever completely go away. While I have been thankful not to have experienced this, my grandmother did have a second trimester miscarriage. She still talks about to this day that the little boy fit in the palm of her hand.....

 

[marnie79]

im sorry hun, u are deff not alone, but it really does take time xxx

 

[deshka]

abblebubba your story sounds just like mine It was this time 2 weeks ago i was in pain and in morning i tried to make it to my car. my boyf was away to work my daughter away on school bus. I went to bathroom and your description was similar to mine, in fact i dont think i could write what happened on a board, my baby was still attached and i didnt know what to do, i mind blocked it all and omg i cant say what happened. I was alone and live in middle of country. I slowly got my phone, which was outta credit and battery and house phone lost, all i know is i was lucky to get to hospital and lucky i had the strenght to get into that ambulance, otherwise i woulda passed out and bled to death and no one woulda know until after 4 when my daughter gets out of school and clubs that hit home when the midwife said to me today u were lucky! if you ever wanna chat pm me x hugs... i dunno i feel numb, sick, empty, cross, and feel so pained il never have my first wee boy to watch grow up into the lovely man that would most likely resemble his lovely father x

 

[Abblebubba]

abblebubba your story sounds just like mine It was this time 2 weeks ago i was in pain and in morning i tried to make it to my car. my boyf was away to work my daughter away on school bus. I went to bathroom and your description was similar to mine, in fact i dont think i could write what happened on a board, my baby was still attached and i didnt know what to do, i mind blocked it all and omg i cant say what happened. I was alone and live in middle of country. I slowly got my phone, which was outta credit and battery and house phone lost, all i know is i was lucky to get to hospital and lucky i had the strenght to get into that ambulance, otherwise i woulda passed out and bled to death and no one woulda know until after 4 when my daughter gets out of school and clubs that hit home when the midwife said to me today u were lucky! if you ever wanna chat pm me x hugs... i dunno i feel numb, sick, empty, cross, and feel so pained il never have my first wee boy to watch grow up into the lovely man that would most likely resemble his lovely father x

Thank you for taking the time to reply, i find it very hard to go over the happenings of that day and writing it on here heled me to feel somebody was listening and actually acknowleging that my beautiful baby did exist and she did class as a baby, because some people IRL dont and that hurts me deeply

 

[cla]

iam so sorry