Car journey dilemma with baby

[Rachel320]

Hi all,
I posted recently asking for advice regarding travelling for 2 hours to see the in laws with my 10 week old in the car. I am now REALLY anxious about it because we went on a 30 minute road trip with LO yesterday and she screamed the whole way there and the whole way back. She was so tired from being upset when we got back that she fell asleep at 4pm and that was her until 5.30am the next morning (waking for feeds every 3-4 hours obviously).
I personally think it's cruel taking her on this long journey just now when she hates it so much and is so little. She won't hate the car forever but just now she does. By the time we get to the in laws she'll be so tired that she'll just sleep the whole 2 days anyway and/or be miserable.
I voiced my concerns to DH and he was very angry because he wants to take her up now.
What are your thoughts?

 

[loeylo]

I replied to your other thread as well.

Is there a reason she hates the car so much? Is she maybe too hot/cold, is the strap uncomfortable, is she bored, can she see you etc?

My daughter went through stages of crying a lot, we had a white noise machine which we took in the car (or I got a vide on YouTube if we didn't have it) and that usually distracted her. Having a mirror on the headrest of the seat meant she could see us (she was obviously rear facing and still is) - she obviously didn't wear jackets or anything in the car for safety reasons but we found she still got really hot in the car (even though I live in Scotland and she was born at the start of winter!) and having the window opened a bit seemed to help. We also had nursery rhymes on our phones which we linked up to the speakers and we all sang. Yes, it was annoying but it definitely helped.

Oh, and we always tried to plan car journeys so she would sleep. We would take her out when nearly asleep, just after she had her botttle. That lead to quite a few emergency cleans of the car seat after spewing incidents, but she was a very sicky baby anyway.

 

[Boozlebub]

In my experience the dislike of the car will probably only get worse before it gets better. Yes it's hard hearing them cry and stressful for longer journeys but I totally understand your DH here, to take your baby to visit family. But ultimately this is a decision you have to make together and both be comfortable with it.

We also, at that age, timed the journey as best we could to tie in with a nap. Is it possible for you to do this?

 

[Rachel320]

Yes we have tried everything...songs, toys, mirrors, and I always feed her first. If she's sleepy then the car just wakes her right up so that doesn't work either. She does get hot in the car from crying but all we can do is use the air con. There is clearly something she doesn't like about the car but I just don't know. All I know is that she hates it and it REALLY upsets her, and I feel like it's something she'll possibly grow out of. I just don't see the logic behind taking her on a journey to see family when she will hate the whole experience meanwhile all of the adults will enjoy it. She will most likely cry and sleep the whole visit because the car will have exhausted her so much, so what's the point!? I just don't believe in the 'they'll just have to get used to it' way of thinking when it comes to babies. It's hardest for a baby to do that journey so why should we make her do it when with a bit of effort family could come and stay with us?
We are in Scotland too but there's a heat wave just now which doesn't help!

 

[ttc126]

In your other thread you mentioned your husband's elderly grandmother. It sounds like she would be unable to travel to you. I think I'd go with your husbands wishes on this. Try the white noise like others have suggested. Make sure the sun isn't in her eyes. If she takes a paci give that in the car. I think it won't be as bad as you think.

 

[happynewmom1]

I'm sorry but I would have to go with your husband. I understand it's hard to hear her cry and I'm not the whole "they will have to get used to it" either but our daughter is 16 months old and just a few weeks ago quit crying in the car when we went somewhere. The main thing that helped us was the white noise as well. I put it on my phone and held it close to her seat and it did help some. All of my kids hated their car seats until they were toddlers. You could get lucky and your lo will grow out of it but if you have elderly relatives then I would take the trip. The pictures of her with them and such will mean so much to her when she is older.. In my opinion. Also her getting to know her family from a young age helps. Good luck in your decision.

 

[xdxxtx]

I would side with you on this one because if I didn't feel comfortable taking my baby somewhere, I just wouldn't do it. That being said, if your husband's elderly relative were to pass away before getting to meet the baby, I feel he would resent you because YOU were the one who said no. So, I would give in anyway... because I would not want my partner to resent me and potentially destroy my marriage/family, if that happened. Although it might be unlikely to happen, it is possible.

My recommendation is to try to time it so that when you get to where you're going, it's about an hour before her bedtime. That way, everyone can spend an hour with her, and then you can go put her to bed. Make that plan beforehand, letting MIL know that's how it will be, and have your husband agree to be her advocate and make sure nobody tries to get her to stay up later, etc. It will require a lot of trust between you and your husband, and he will have to agree to stand by you no matter who says what.

 

[Rachel320]

What white noise do you play in the car? I have tried heartbeats, fans etc all before and she just cries over them!!

 

[happynewmom1]

The app I downloaded had a bunch to try. Maybe it was air conditioning one or something similar. But if she was already crying, I'd put it close to her ear until I knew she heard it.. Usually she would calm down once she did at least a little and then I'd hold it further away but make sure the sound was still up enough for her to hear it. It wasn't a perfect solution for us but it did help a lot. The mirror idea helped my son a lot when he was a baby but didn't with our girls so you may have to try a couple things.

 

[Rachel320]

xdxxtx - I should have mentioned that the elderly relative has actually been brought to our house to meet the baby once, so she has met her.

It's such a tricky one. I just feel cruel choosing for my baby to be so upset when it's not actually completely necessary. On the other hand I realise that she might hate the car for a long long time although I doubt that. She hated her swing until 6 weeks old, she hated her sleepy pod until she was 7 weeks old. Things change so quickly but DH is not patient. He is more than welcome to go and visit his family whenever he likes and they are more than welcome to visit us, that's what's so frustrating about the whole thing. Maybe his elderly relative would find it difficult but DHs parents would bring her down and make sure she was ok. Also, my LO would also find it very difficult so who are we choosing to go through the long journey!

 

[loeylo]

Where in Scotland are you? Could you do the journey by train?

I found the window being down to be far more effective than air con. She liked the breeze.

In terms of what white noise to use, the sound of a cracked window in a car is quite effective. A fan sound was too quiet for her, we used Shaun the dream sheep. On YouTube we tended to use a vacuum and put the volume up full.

The heatwave is to end soon too so that might help too. My LO has been extra grouchy in the car.

 

[BabyGirl999]

Have you tried sitting in the back beside her?

 

[lilesMom]

My lo hated the car too
Because of silent reflux
Her seat was too reclined for her.
Can u try sitting get up straighter but sit beside her so if she sleeps u can support her head

 

[LoveCakes]

I also have a lo who hates the car. He's 9mo and just cries his heart out but he's actually fine he just wants out to play. I usually time longer journeys for nap time and thankfully that works for us. We've a 2 hour trip coming up though and I'm dreading it but won't let it stop us.

Do you have a good relationship with your in laws apart from this? It's sounds like there's more to this from what I've read. While it is difficult I do think it's important for your baby to know their extended family and not fair for the travelling to always be one way. It sounds like you've your mind made up about the car so As a pp said can you go part of the way even on train/bus?

 

[LynAnne]

My 6 month old son is going through a bit of a phase at the moment where if we are in the car for more than five minutes he screams blue murder and will cry the entire journey. I've started to sit in the back seat with him whilst DH drives and that helps. I know that there is a big difference between a 6 month old and 10 week old baby but maybe being somewhere baby can see you might help. A favourite toy might also work as a distraction (DS has a small cuddly dinosaur that now lives in the car!) as well as a dummy. I second the feeding before going out and trying to plan trips around naps in the hope that they will fall asleep for most of the journey. Whether or not you decide to go on this two hour trip I hope that something that has been suggested works for the shorter journeys at least as I understand just how heartbreaking it can be to hear your baby scream and not be able to soothe them in the car.

 

[Rachel320]

Thanks all.
LoveCakes, there's no issue between in laws and myself. However I will admit that I am a bit of a homebird and don't like staying other places. But I DO understand why DH wants to take her. I just still think it's a lot when she's still so little but maybe I'm in the minority.
LynAnne, thanks for the kinds words. I find it very upsetting hearing her cry, she is NEVER left to cry and it just tears bits out of me and then I start to cry. Heartbreaking is the exact word to describe what it feels like to hear her scream for me to pick her up when I can't. DH or myself always sit with her in the car if we go anywhere, which is rarely because being in the car with her is stressful. Agree about the dummy, that helps a lot, but is often a hit or a miss if she has a meltdown.
I took her in the car today with my sister who sat with her. She was crying a little bit for 10 mins then fell asleep for the remaining 30 minute journey which surprised me. Makes me think it's luck of the draw. She doesn't look comfy in her car seat though, the infant insert has a wedge behind her neck that forces her head further back. I know this will be to increase oxygen levels but she hates it and tries to push herself forward the second I strap her in. She will only nap through the day in her sling so the car seat is the opposite of the position she likes to nap in.
Would you recommend going on the trip when she's tired or just after a nap? Sometimes I feel it's worse if she's tired because she gets fractious.
I don't know what to do about the 2 hour trip but it's really playing on my mind and making me so anxious I'm worrying myself to sleep about it and I'm exhausted anyway from being up through the night with LO. On top of that DH and I aren't really getting on because of the whole thing. Just feeling sad and deflated about it all.

 

[jtink28]

my in-laws live an hour away from us, and ALWAYS expect us to come to them, it drives me bananas. both of my boys screamed in the car until about 6 months, and driving even 15 minutes was SO stressful for both me and my DH. So...we didn't drive up to my in-laws until they stopped screaming. we told my in-laws why (and my FIL was mad), but told them they were more than welcome to come see us until the boys were a bit older. it's also a huge pain having to lug all the baby stuff around, and baby was always more comfortable in it's own surroundings.

 

[xdxxtx]

xdxxtx - I should have mentioned that the elderly relative has actually been brought to our house to meet the baby once, so she has met her.

It's such a tricky one. I just feel cruel choosing for my baby to be so upset when it's not actually completely necessary. On the other hand I realise that she might hate the car for a long long time although I doubt that. She hated her swing until 6 weeks old, she hated her sleepy pod until she was 7 weeks old. Things change so quickly but DH is not patient. He is more than welcome to go and visit his family whenever he likes and they are more than welcome to visit us, that's what's so frustrating about the whole thing. Maybe his elderly relative would find it difficult but DHs parents would bring her down and make sure she was ok. Also, my LO would also find it very difficult so who are we choosing to go through the long journey!

I'm glad to see that she's met her. I would not want to risk the issue ruining a family. Yes, she'll probably stop hating the car soon, but my babies who didn't like the car didn't stop hating it until around 4 months old. My nephew cried through every car ride until he was 2, although at 18m they sometimes managed to put him in there fully asleep and not wake him. Until then, the car would wake him, and he would start up the screaming. Poor baby. I feel for your little one.

 

[wtbmummy]

Can you put her in the car seat already asleep? Thats what i do. And then i wrap her in a blanky n muzzy so she feels like shes still being held.
Not ideal in this weather but i just put on the air con. If its still to much once shes in a deep enough sleep i remove the blanket but leave her muzzy to cuddle (the way she likes it/holds it it actually helps keep the dummy in her mouth too

I cant get in the back what with ds's seat so it can be a pain. On my own i dont drive more than 20mins away which is to the hospital (dd has been really poorly)
I do not let her cry either. If she starts crying i look for somewhere to pull over straight away. Get her out n hug her. She works herself up that she then has wind so i get that out. Always have a bottle made so feed her an oz n pop her back in.

One day it took me an hour to do the 20min trip to the hospital from stopping but I just hate her crying.

She is 5weeks old n really does hate the car seat. Its not the car but the actual carseat! So sometimes i do the school run using the carseat on the pushchair chasis. This has helpped a little as she is more used to going in it.

Personally I wouldnt go though. We have upset people as they want us to fly out to them when dd is 10weeks old and with our 3yo too. We just said no point blank. People forget how hard it is with such a young baby. They constantly feed or poop so your 2hour journey could end up being 4hours! Everyone feeling stressed and not jn the mood to socialize

 

[Rachel320]

Thanks everyone, lots of different opinions it seems! I've actually come down with a virus so I don't think we will be able to go this weekend anyway so are postponing it for a couple of weeks. DH REALLY wants to take her so I don't really feel like I can say no. I presume the ladies here who wouldn't do it have husbands who also agree, whereas my situation is very different. Still really anxious about it but we've agreed that if she's still stirring 30mins into the journey then we'd go home.
We went a drive a few days ago with her to practice and she had a little whimper then fell asleep for 30 mins so that was an improvement...but we were lucky that we were home when she just woke up because I think that would have been a meltdown! Argh! What worries me is that she has a meltdown on a stretch of motorway that there's nowhere to stop, that's my worst nightmare!

Also, she just wakes up and screams if we put her in the carseat sleeping! Thanks for the suggestion though.