Children under 5 shouldn't sleep over at Dad's...

[Pearls18]

...if the couple has split, according to Penelope Leach.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-...ers-with-their-separated-fathers-9537861.html

Understandably father's rights groups are quite upset by this. Opinions?

 

[bumpy_j]

Pure tosh. There are so many variables that can be taken with this claim (when the separation was, the amount of contact time, who originally worked the most hours away from home, styles of parenting etc.) that there just seems to be no basis for this claim. I would hate for anyone to utilise this 'evidence' in a custody battle

 

[lindseymw]

Absolute bollocks.
If the Father is perfectly capable of looking after their own child, then they should have them overnight.

Would the same idea apply to Mothers who work night shifts? As essentially the Father will be doing the childcare over night whilst the Mother is absent from the home?

 

[lau86]

It's too much of a generalisation and I can see why the fathers groups are angry, it's scare mongering and won't help them. It should be a case by case thing.
My 5 month old would not be happy being away from me, I breastfeed him so he would have no food and I settle him.
My nearly three yr old would be perfectly fine with his daddy over night, as Lindsey said I work evenings and nights sometimes so essentially he is with his dad only even if it's in the family home.

 

[Pearls18]

I also think it is a lot of unfair pressure on women, I know we're not supposed to admit to that fact we need a break sometimes and I'm sure not all parents feel the need, but I think if I was a single parent I would appreciate my partner having the child every now and then, it must be a bit harder leading your own life if you're the sole carer of the child, dating, seeing friends and just having a night to yourself, why arent women allowed to have that? Maybe that's just me. Hell this woman would hate me as my mum used to have DS1 1 night a week when we lived in our hometown, he LOVED staying with Grandma and I appreciated the break (it was a time when hubby was away with work a lot training for 6 months) I certainly don't think DS lost anything from it, he very much gained a closer relationship with his grandmother.

It must be very tricky when the child is still of an age of breastfeeding etc, it point blank wouldn't be possible for us, but I would certainly be encouraging it as soon as we all felt comfortable which would be long before 5 years.

I feel sorry for Dads always being sidelined, I think we undermine their parental responsibilities putting too much emphasis on mothers. Being a mother is different I know, a mother and a father have very different roles, but it has been shown again and again the impact a negative relationship with a father can have so as a society we should stop underestimating fathers as it's not fair for the good ones and it lets the bad ones get away with it!!

 

[Quackquack99]

I also think it is a lot of unfair pressure on women, I know we're not supposed to admit to that fact we need a break sometimes and I'm sure not all parents feel the need, but I think if I was a single parent I would appreciate my partner having the child every now and then, it must be a bit harder leading your own life if you're the sole carer of the child, dating, seeing friends and just having a night to yourself, why arent women allowed to have that? Maybe that's just me. Hell this woman would hate me as my mum used to have DS1 1 night a week when we lived in our hometown, he LOVED staying with Grandma and I appreciated the break (it was a time when hubby was away with work a lot training for 6 months) I certainly don't think DS lost anything from it, he very much gained a closer relationship with his grandmother.

It must be very tricky when the child is still of an age of breastfeeding etc, it point blank wouldn't be possible for us, but I would certainly be encouraging it as soon as we all felt comfortable which would be long before 5 years.

I feel sorry for Dads always being sidelined, I think we undermine their parental responsibilities putting too much emphasis on mothers. Being a mother is different I know, a mother and a father have very different roles, but it has been shown again and again the impact a negative relationship with a father can have so as a society we should stop underestimating fathers as it's not fair for the good ones and it lets the bad ones get away with it!!

I completely agree with this. Me and fob broke up after S turned two so for past 10 months she has been going to her dads to stay the night. It gives me the chance to recharge my batteries as I'm a single mum but she absolutely adores her dad. This way she gets to spend quality time with her dad rather than an hour here or there.

 

[JASMAK]

The courts don't do what's best for the parents, but what's best for the child so I can see the father possibly not having over night if for example the baby was breastfeeding. Being a parent is about the child and their needs should come first.

 

[Pearls18]

The courts don't do what's best for the parents, but what's best for the child so I can see the father possibly not having over night if for example the baby was breastfeeding. Being a parent is about the child and their needs should come first.

Absolutely but that's not the issue here, the author quoted is saying it is the mother's primary responsibility until the child is 5 and it is harmful for children to stay with their dads until then period.

 

[JASMAK]

Could be. That argument could be made here too

 

[JASMAK]

Could be. That argument could be made here too

Just going to add that it should be case by case and not black and white. I think a child's best interest is actually not to be tossed back and forth like a tennis ball. Under five, can they even understand why? Doubtful. Nor should they. And, in most cases, under fives are probably more reliant on their moms. Again, put the child first...NOT the parents. What father's rights? Childs right FIRST. That is my arguement.

 

[lindseymw]

The thing is Jasmak, that sometimes the parent's 'rights' have to come before the childs 'right.'

This Author is stating that children under 5 should not be away from their mother overnight.

My Sister is a single mam to a 7 month old. She has just returned to work as she cannot afford not to work due to mortgage, bills etc. In order for her to do that, her LO will have to stay at his Dads on occasion for a few days (She works as a nurse starting at 7am & finishing at 9pm). Her LO's 'right' not to be passed around like a tennis ball cannot come into play here....if she gives up work, she will lose the house.

 

[sheldonsmommy]

I think the statement that it causes 'unhealthy attachment issues' is not only wrong, it's the opposite. By not allowing a child to be snuggled to bed by his or her daddy, or kissed on the forehead, or read a story and felt security from the paternal figure, as well as the mom, that child is losing out. Single moms raise spectacular children all the time without a dad, but in the best interests of the child, I think having 2 parents share in that feeling of security is optimal.

 

[HBGirl]

Utter bullshit! Babies need both parents.

 

[JASMAK]

This is what the courts do here. I have to say that I agree. Divorce is hard on kids. No. ..I don't believe parent rights should come before kids.

 

[Pearls18]

This is what the courts do here. I have to say that I agree. Divorce is hard on kids. No. ..I don't believe parent rights should come before kids.

The courts do that here too but that's not what we're talking about, have you read the article? I mentioned parents' rights as a side line to the point of the article, what's best for the child should always come first, but the point is I (and others) don't agree what is being proposed by this author is best for the child or parent (in all cases) so it's unfair all around, and yes parents should be mentioned too. Obviously if you agree with her that's fine, but this article isn't just generally talking about what courts should or shouldn't do.

 

[JASMAK]

I do think babies should be with their mothers' esprsially if breastfeeding and/or cosleeping, which I believe is in the best interest of both mother and child. So, yes, I agree. This is why I have never left my child except when I had to have major surgery.

 

[Pearls18]

I do think babies should be with their mothers' esprsially if breastfeeding and/or cosleeping, which I believe is in the best interest of both mother and child. So, yes, I agree. This is why I have never left my child except when I had to have major surgery.

There we go then. Do you agree with the author that 5 is a good cut off age to begin to allow father's over night custody? (If the child would be happy as well?)

 

[JASMAK]

I think it depends on the child. I know a child that was breastfed until 6. But, yes, I do think that having a child away from mother, if they are attached (I do attachment parenting) is too young. A relationship with the father is extremely important, but cosleeping, breastfeeding and one on one with mother is bonding and its unhealthy to break that bond for not only child, but mother. My daughter is almost four, does not breastfeed (well, occassionally) but still cosleeps. She loves her daddy, obviously, and we are a loving family unit, but the bond at night is with me. As my kids get older and they do not rely on me anymore, then they do sleepovers with friends etc. i think it should be what the child is comfortable with. I think it would be poor judgement of the dad to request to break that bond as well.

 

[Pearls18]

I think it depends on the child. I know a child that was breastfed until 6. But, yes, I do think that having a child away from mother, if they are attached (I do attachment parenting) is too young. A relationship with the father is extremely important, but cosleeping, breastfeeding and one on one with mother is bonding and its unhealthy to break that bond for not only child, but mother. My daughter is almost four, does not breastfeed (well, occassionally) but still cosleeps. She loves her daddy, obviously, and we are a loving family unit, but the bond at night is with me. As my kids get older and they do not rely on me anymore, then they do sleepovers with friends etc. i think it should be what the child is comfortable with. I think it would be poor judgement of the dad to request to break that bond as well.

Absolutely, it will depend on the child and the parenting. We haven't done attachment parenting my 3 year old would expect to stay with his dad I think lol and that would work for all of us, I BF and part time co sleep with my 6 month old so that would be a no and I wouldn't stop just for part time custody, but like my first I don't think it would be for much more than a year. And of course even if not BF etc it may not be in the interests of the child to be away from mum at night. But there just isn't a one size fits all ideal which I think the author is aiming to get.

 

[shanny]

I think it would come as a bit of a shock to a child if they did not stay with dad if parents aren't living together etc and then at 5 they suddenly start. they need to be able to build relationship with both parents from the start