Christmas Day access - Am I in the wrong?

[rebeccalouise]

So, we currently live a 20-30 minute drive away from Amelia's Dad, I'll make that clear before I continue.. He's trying to say it's more, but we drive it weekly, and I know for a fact it has never taken us longer than an hour (that's in rush hour).

Christmas Day I said we were happy to drop Amelia off at her Dad's for 11am, and then pick her up at 4pm. This was because we were planning to see my Mum at 11am, so we would've been over this way.. However, things have now changed, and we won't be seeing my Mum until we go to my Grandad's house at 4pm. We've now decided to book to go out for dinner, just me and DH, near to where we live. Plans changed at short notice, so the only place I could get a table at was Toby Carvery near to our house, but we are both looking forward to it.

I text Amelia's Dad explaining everything earlier on today.. I apologised for changing plans several times, and I said that if he still wants to see her, he will have to come and fetch her. We can still pick her up from him at 4pm, so the effort will be halved, and in my opinion it'll be fair. He started kicking off instantly, saying he has now planned his day around not having to fetch Amelia, and that he can't do it because it's a 2 hour trip.. WTF!? Please bare in mind that we only came to the original agreement less than a week ago, so it hasn't been set in stone for months or anything like that.

Now, this the bit that really got me, he has actually asked me to book our Christmas dinner at a restaurant near him - so we can live our Christmas day how he wants us to, so it's easier for him!? I don't think so! Lazy arse, makes no effort at all. Since we moved from being a 5 minute drive away, I've had nothing but excuses.

I completely understand Christmas day is a busy day for everyone, but does he not think that we have better things to be doing than driving Amelia to him, for HIS benefit? I'm all for her seeing her Dad, but it should be him making the effort, not me and my DH (my DH is the driver).

He has said that him and his partner are cooking Christmas dinner for all of their family, well that's lovely, but surely she can watch the dinner and kids for an hour whilst he comes to pick his other daughter up? (He has two daughters that live with him).

Am I being unreasonable? I bend over backwards for the guy all of the time, I've even got Amelia into a playschool near to him to make things easier for him, meaning when DH is away at work (every week, apart from 1 week a month), I have to catch 2 busses and a train to get her there and back. I feel like I'm far too soft, and I should start putting my foot down a bit more.. The thing is, he's very mentally controlling and he knows how to play on my feelings, big time! DH tells me not to do so much for him, because he takes the piss out of me, I'm beginning to see that he's right.

He dropped seeing her regularly, to seeing her on a Thursday evening every other week (for 2 hours), and then having her every other weekend.. His reason for dropping all of his time? Apparently he doesn't have the time now we live "so far away".. Sometimes he doesn't even see her on the Thursday, so he goes a good 2 weeks with no contact - he doesn't even text or call to see how she is when he hasn't seen her.

It frustrates me because I'm beginning to realise that Amelia deserves so much more, her Dad should be making the effort for her. It's my DH doing everything that her Dad should be.. The bond her and my DH have is incredible, and I am glad that she does have one reliable male in her life - it really makes me see that effort is a massive factor in building a strong relationship. I just wish her Dad would fix up, and make an effort for his daughter.

 

[Tanikins]

Honestly?

If the plan was in place for you to drop here off id also be upset. Christmas day is something people plan to the T. Id be upset if oh ex suddenly now changed our visit plan after months

 

[rebeccalouise]

I'd understand if I had changed the plans a week or so before, but I have given him 23 days to sort something out.. I would be upset if I was him, well annoyed more than anything, but I would be making an effort to arrange something so I could see my daughter.

I was annoyed when things changed, me and DH had a tiff over it, but there's nothing I can do now. I don't think it's fair for us to drive the trip, and use our fuel, for his benefit? He wouldn't do the same for me.

Maybe I'm just being selfish? X

 

[emyandpotato]

No I don't think it's selfish of you, but an hour's drive is a lot on Christmas day if you weren't anticipating it. Perhaps if you're going to your mum's in that area anyway it would save hassle just to book a restaurant near him? It's no more driving for you and saves him the trip and the whining.

 

[Tanikins]

He should deffo have been doing 1 of the pick ups either way. But i can see why hes upset.

I was thinking it take something out of his plan but realistically he leave at what say 10am. Surely pressies + brekkie would be done. And thats just choc and beer time

Is he being difficult for the sake of it or can he actually not get her? If hes just being a nob is stick with him getting her if your picking her up. Hes lucky to get her xmas - i wouldnt be that nice.

 

[rebeccalouise]

He could get her, if he made the effort to. He has a car, he can drive. He's just being difficult. Thing is, I know he won't be helping his partner with the dinner because he doesn't cook! An hour is a lot if it's unexpected, but if he wants to see her, surely he'd arrange something and make the effort? I know I would.

We can't book a restaurant near to him because we'd have to leave his at 11am after dropping Amelia off, to go and eat straightaway (as we can't see my Mum now), and then we'd have a long wait after dinner until we could pick her up at 4pm. We'd spend the whole of our Christmas hanging around in the car, waiting. We want to chill and enjoy our day too. X

 

[wildflower79]

I can kinda see why he'd be annoyed if he's planned his day around what you told him to start with. If its a 30 min journey, then that'd be an hr there and back, that he wasn't expecting.

Saying that though, I think it's perfectly fair and reasonable for him to be coming to collect her if you're going to be picking her up later.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe you could meet somewhere half way?

 

[george83]

I understand why his initial reaction might be to be angry/frustrated if they have made their own plans but I honestly don't see why you should care if he's bothered. He is your lo's father let him put himself out to see his own daughter, why should everything be down to you

 

[rebeccalouise]

Yeah, I'm trying to think of where is halfway.. But we are splitting it anyway, as he is doing one half and we are doing the other by picking her up from him, surely? X

 

[missk1989]

I think initially I would be miffed but an hour is nothing even on xmas seems as he is expecting you to do it twice which is 2 hours on xmas day. I would not be hanging around on xmas either. I would say that either you will drop off and pick up both, but pick up at say 2pm/2.30pm or he can pck her up and you will drop her off or vice versa. I think thats more than fair. As you said, it is your xmas too.

 

[JessyG]

Trying to see it from both sides. If I was him then yeah id be a bit put out by the sudden change of plans but I would sigh then move on. He should be doing one of the trip anyway so I wouldn't back down. As you have said you apologised for the change of plan but its far enough away that he can sort something.

As for you getting two buses and a train just to drop/pick your DD from school, that's ridiculous. I would be changing that instantly. He has her maybe one overnight a week but more often doesn't? No chance would I be making that journey twice a day for him. Does he not think about your little girl having to do that each day either?!

 

[rebeccalouise]

He doesn't think about the impact that anything has on her, I was the one who had to start saying no, I'm not travelling all the way back in the cold and dark with Amelia, because you can't be bothered to drive her back in your nice warm car! So now he brings her back, but I still have to do that journey to get her to him/playschool. Honestly, he can be so selfish, but he doesn't see it, at all. When this baby comes, there's not a chance I can keep doing it, just to make things easier for him.. He doesn't appreciate it anyway! X

 

[emyandpotato]

He could get her, if he made the effort to. He has a car, he can drive. He's just being difficult. Thing is, I know he won't be helping his partner with the dinner because he doesn't cook! An hour is a lot if it's unexpected, but if he wants to see her, surely he'd arrange something and make the effort? I know I would.

We can't book a restaurant near to him because we'd have to leave his at 11am after dropping Amelia off, to go and eat straightaway (as we can't see my Mum now), and then we'd have a long wait after dinner until we could pick her up at 4pm. We'd spend the whole of our Christmas hanging around in the car, waiting. We want to chill and enjoy our day too. X

That's totally fair enough. Yeah I think he's being selfish, just put your foot down.

 

[rebeccalouise]

It's so hard when stuff like this happens, because I have him in one ear, and my DH in the other.. I end up so stuck in the middle! DH is harsh, but fair.. And I'm the soft touch, massively.

It's like tonight, he has just decided to text me, "What's going on with me seeing Amelia tomorrow? As my car is getting fixed, so I can't get her back to you."

1. Why is that my problem to sort? I don't have a car, my Mum doesn't drive, and I'm not taking Amelia back at 7:30pm after he has had her.. It's cold, dark and a long journey without a car.

2. Why has he left it until the night before? He has had time to make arrangements to get her back home to me, yet he has chosen not to.

He's now expecting me to sleep at my Mum's, so he can have his time with her as usual.. That's all well and good, but my LO should be in her own bed, in her routine at home!

 

[dizzy65]

I think he should be making some sort of effort here even if it is meeting half way. there is no way you should be doing all the driving. If he wants to see his daughter he needs to make her a priority as well as his other kids. I do get that Christmas is a busy day, But honestly If DH and i were split and I wanted the kids I would be making an effort to get the kids. it is BS that he is putting all the traveling on you. and WTF about him saying it takes 2 hours to get to you I think he needs to grow up a bit! and like you said that you gave him 23 days notice it is not like it is a last minute decision to do this...

 

[JessyG]

I would say 'its your responsibility to have her back with me by xxx if that isnt possible, I am sorry but we'll have to rearrange the visit. As you know I don't drive and my husband is away at the moment. It isnt fair to Amelia to traipse her home on a bus and train in this weather and at that time of night. In future a little more notice wouldn't go amiss'

Don't let him bully you. You do what is best for Amelia.

 

[rebeccalouise]

I would say 'its your responsibility to have her back with me by xxx if that isnt possible, I am sorry but we'll have to rearrange the visit. As you know I don't drive and my husband is away at the moment. It isnt fair to Amelia to traipse her home on a bus and train in this weather and at that time of night. In future a little more notice wouldn't go amiss'

Don't let him bully you. You do what is best for Amelia.

That's pretty much what I've said. I've said to him that's it's always me putting myself out, and Amelia suffering so he can see her without making any effort.. Basically said I'm not willing to do it anymore. He hasn't replied yet, so we shall see if I hear anything throughout the day! If I don't, I shall pick her up from playschool and head home. He's only seeing her tonight, if he can get her back home to me. X

 

[weewdy]

Could you not drop her off after you see your mum and grandad at say 6pm and he could bring her back on boxing day?

 

[Tasha]

It isn't like he has known for months and built his day around it. I feel sorry for your daughter, she should have a dad who can be bother to put effort in.

 

[rebeccalouise]

I said I'll talk to him about it when I see him, as I'm fed up of arguing over text messages. I hope we'll come to some sort of arrangement! I think me, him, his partner and my DH all need to sit down, and come up with a better plan of access altogether.. This isn't healthy for anyone, and it's Amelia I feel for more than anything. X