co-sleeping- how to handle the criticism?

[gingmg]

It wasn't my plan to co-sleep but that's the only way my baby sleeps so here we are. I've grown to love sleeping with him and now I can't imagine it any other way. Well my mom gave me an earful today and my confidence is in the toilet right now as a result. I know she didn't mean to make me feel bad but she did and now I'm feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. I'm sick of hearing "I hold him too much" "he should know how to self soothe better at 3 months" "he should be in his crib" " I'm creating bad habits" The list is endless. I can't stop crying. I don't want to do the wrong things for my baby. I thought I was just doing what he needed. It had felt natural to me to take care of him this way but today my world is caving in and I'm second guessing everything.

 

[AJCart]

You are responding to your bub's needs the way you feel it is appropriate and that means you are 100% doing the best thing by him. Some babies are fine to sleep in a crib, others need the comfort of having you close by. Some babies are happy to be put down, others need to be held for a large portion of the day.

Next time somebody tells you that you're spoiling him/creating bad habits/whatever dumb thing pops from their mouths ask them when was the last time they saw a teenager still sleeping in Mum's bed, or a school age child being carried everywhere.

They are only little for such a short time. Cherish every single snuggle they'll let you have. Before too long the independence will kick in without any help from you. You just keep doing a great job and tell people that what you're doing works for you and bub so they can keep their remarks to themselves.

 

[Aliop]

One thing I've learnt is to keep information to a minimum, and I mean that in the nicest way! If it's working for you then, enjoy it, if it's not change it. I don't 'discuss' my parenting with anyone other than my husband unless really necessary. I'm a big believer in doing what works for you and educating yourself (read, read, read!) and as long as everyone is happy and healthy as can be its all good

 

[xQuinnx]

I co-sleep with my little girl and she's 5 months. People do make comments, I used to worry lots that I was cuddling her too much, sometimes I'd let her nap on me etc but what people have said before is right. You do what feels right for your baby, you are it creating bad habits when they are so tiny!
I did a baby massage course and that really boosted my confidence in terms of how I was as a mum was 'ok' if that makes sense. There's a book on infant massage by Vimala McClure which even if you're not interested in baby massage has lots of stuff in it about why touch is great with your baby. Really helped me stay confident about how I am as a mum when idiot people start to question it

 

[Larkspur]

Just tell them, "Look, this is how I want to raise my baby, so I'd appreciate if you leave me to it. If she is a clingy mess who is still sleeping in my bed when she turns five, you'll be very welcome to say you told me so then. But until then, I've heard what you have to say, and I don't want to hear it again, thanks."

 

[HopefulEm]

You're going what feels natural for you and your baby; that's the best way to go!

Just remember when people criticize your way of doing things that what they're often really doing is defending themselves. Your mom doesn't want to think her way of raising you was wrong or inferior, so she's likely to stick by those beliefs.

Every parent should have the right to raise their children in their own way. I'm sure your doing the best job you can.

 

[catty]

I now co sleep full time with my daughter. It wasnt a plan of mine but she sleeps a solid 12 hours this way.
I just simply dont tell anyone. People just assume she sleeps in a cot and I just dont tell them differently. Im not ashamed just cant be bothered listening to 'your baby will die' 'your sex life must be non existant' blah blah blah

 

[kajastarlight]

3 months? Really? Your baby should be ready to take on the cold crule world alone at 3 months?????
With my DS1 I listened to all that and made him "cry it out" in his crib and be a better self soother and all that fun (not) stuff until he was about 16 months old. That is when my life got turned upside down and his father left me pregnant with DS2....
When DS2 came around I was so over listening to all that and to many people I "took the easy way out" - being a single mom of 2 under 2 was hard! So ya, I made things easier and co-slept with DS2 (DS1 didn't want to often but was welcome to come to bed with us if he wanted.) I held him constantly and was able to nurse him too.
To this day DS1 is clingy and I can't help but wonder if it is because I decided he needed to be able to rely on himself at the ripe ol' age of 2 months... DS2 is independant as any other 10 year old. It may be that it would have turned out the way it did no matter what. I just wished I had followed my gut and not let people convinse me that I shouldn't hold DS1 as much as I wanted to.

 

[AnneD]

Just tell them, "Look, this is how I want to raise my baby, so I'd appreciate if you leave me to it. If she is a clingy mess who is still sleeping in my bed when she turns five, you'll be very welcome to say you told me so then. But until then, I've heard what you have to say, and I don't want to hear it again, thanks."

This has just made my day. Thank you Larkspur.

 

[gingmg]

Thank you for your replies. I'm feeling better now. My mom and I never disagree and are very close with each other so when we argue it hits me hard. I guess I felt criticized and judged, and I felt that she thought I was doing the wrong things or that I should be doing things differently. I don't know too many people that share my parenting style so its hard to know where to turn for advice. And as a first time mom I have lots of questions and concerns and then I find my confidence is shaken when I'm around so many moms that do everything so differently from me. I need to go back to the place I was in a few weeks ago where I felt confident that my inner guide was not steering me wrong. I have to shut out the outside chatter better. Thank you all again for you kind words, it helps to know I'm not the only one who feels that meeting him exactly where he is is the right thing to do as opposed to forcing him to fit into where others think he should be.

 

[misspriss]

3 months? Really? Your baby should be ready to take on the cold crule world alone at 3 months?????
With my DS1 I listened to all that and made him "cry it out" in his crib and be a better self soother and all that fun (not) stuff until he was about 16 months old. That is when my life got turned upside down and his father left me pregnant with DS2....
When DS2 came around I was so over listening to all that and to many people I "took the easy way out" - being a single mom of 2 under 2 was hard! So ya, I made things easier and co-slept with DS2 (DS1 didn't want to often but was welcome to come to bed with us if he wanted.) I held him constantly and was able to nurse him too.
To this day DS1 is clingy and I can't help but wonder if it is because I decided he needed to be able to rely on himself at the ripe ol' age of 2 months... DS2 is independant as any other 10 year old. It may be that it would have turned out the way it did no matter what. I just wished I had followed my gut and not let people convinse me that I shouldn't hold DS1 as much as I wanted to.

I have heard that cosleeping and holding a lot makes children more independent, not the opposite.

DS is only 23 months, so it's really early to say. But we cosleep (still do) and wore DS a lot until he was up and walking (and still wear him some). But he is not scared of strangers and has a healthy level of confidence for a 2 year old. His cousin is about 5 months older than him, and is significantly more clingy. I am not entirely sure of his sleeping situation, but I am pretty sure he has not been cosleeping. He was also not worn, just used a stroller. I know it's totally up to the baby, but there is definitely a difference in clinginess levels.

Why on earth would a 3 month old child not need to depend on his mother? Is there anything else they do on their own? Feeding? Potty? Why should soothing be left up to themselves?

 

[Rhapsodi]

Just do what works for you. My lo is 3mos too. Somedays he can self soothe other days he needs me. Sometimes he can do part of the night in his crib other nights not at all or all night. Sometimes its not him who needs space or cuddles, its me. Thats ok too. No one way works for all.
For those that criticize I say, well it works fine now. Maybe someday we will change things but for now, we are fine. We are in the present not the future.

 

[Sbmack]

Three months is way to young for a baby to be 'self-soothing'. That's just nuts. You can spoil a banana but not a baby!!

My mom gives me an earful for co-sleeping with our 16 mo occasionally. Funny the one or two times I've asked her to babysit at our house so we can go out the baby ends up in bed with her and not in her crib. She sees that it's pretty much impossible to put her in her crib and she gives in and brings her to bed with her. Then she's quite for a few months... She actually just brought it up again because I'm pregnant and she says we better get S in her own bed so we don't have two in our bed. I'll be ready soon simply because I want the space when I'm huge and pregnant. I just don't want to be told by other people (even my mother) when is the right time.

Being a first time mom is hard. Someone is always going to tell you you're doing something wrong. Just know that holding and comforting your baby is very very right!!

 

[Mafi419]

The same thing happened to me. I didn't plan on it but I ended up co-sleeping with my baby boy and it is a life savior for all of us! Everyone sleeps and he sleeps so well for so long when people criticize me (and they do...a lot!) I calmly reply "I don't agree with you. I love to sleep with him in my bed.". And I don't justify. They ask "aren't you afraid you are never going to be able to put him in his own room?" and I smile and say "no.". People also criticize me a lot because I breastfeed on demand (instead of every 3 hours) and I simply ignore them. Mum knows best, that's my motto and my wife is 100% on board with me...so we are fine and yeah, research has shown that babies that are raised like this (co-sleeping, babywearing, etc) are more confident and independent

 

[Lief]

I had people say things to me about my son when he was born because I held him too much or I let him sleep in my bed, or even because I used a wrap instead of a pram most of the time. I even had people comment because I breastfed instead of letting others have a go at bottle feeding lol. At first I let it bother me then I eventually just got tired of it and told them, as long as myself and my OH are happy with how we're raising him and as long as he's happy then we're going to continue. If they don't like it thats their problem. He's our son, not theirs.

 

[sequeena]

My son is 3.5 now so we've been co-sleeping for 3.5 years. At first I was worried to tell anyone but now I don't care what people say I tell them to bugger off and worry about their own kids. You definitely develop a thick skin

 

[Bevziibubble]

I am still co sleeping with my 3 year old. My DH family are mostly against this but I just learnt to ignore over time and I think they eventually realised that I wasn't budging in my belief that this was best for my LO, so they stopped nagging. I think they still smugly think she'll still be in my bed when she's 18, but I know I'll prove them wrong

 

[too_scared]

Kiddo is 2 and we have a family bed. We don't plan to get him his own bed/room until he asks. (then I'll cry. Haha!) I just don't give anyone the opportunity to say anything to me about it. I don't open a conversation. This works for our family and that's that.

Dh was a little worried at first. I held ds for every nap until he was 1, I wore him a lot (he's decided in the past few months he doesn't want it anymore), and still breastfeed on demand. Dh was worried he would be shy and clingy. I just kept telling him that this is how it was done and still is done in non westernized parts of the world. This is how it's supposed to be! Kiddo is super outgoing and happy. He has a few shy moments but he's 2! He's such a great kid.

 

[SarahBear]

(only read first post) For me, the best way to have confidence with this was having done my research on it. That way when someone says something, I have a quick and easy response and know in my head how wrong THEY are. That way instead of questioning myself, I think about how ridiculous their claims are.

By the way, I bed-share with my daughter who is two years 4 months. I still nurse her at night and in the morning. I'm due with my 2nd on the 22nd and plan to have both in bed with me although not next to each other.

 

[kajastarlight]

I only really got flack for co-sleeping when DS2 was a baby. "you are gonna roll over onto him!!" Um... no, I am not.... "he is gonna fall off the bed!!" Um... no, he is not. How do I know? Well, because I wake up just a very little every time he moves (not enough to be awake awake, but enough to be aware of what is going on) and because he can't roll yet!
When he was a toddler no one asked and I didn't bring it up. By the time he was 3 he wated to be in his own room in his own bed 99% of the time anyway.