Comfort sucking issues

[KatO79]

So my 1½ month old son wants to comfort suck often. The problem comes when I feel like I need a break to e.g. get something to eat or go to the bathroom or whatever. Then all hell breaks loose and he starts crying hysterically. He's not too keen on his pacifier so can only get him to take it 30-40% of the time. When DH is home from work I can hand him over but it's when I'm alone during the day that's an issue as I don't like walking away from him when he's so upset

Any advice? And I don't have the option of having family or friends to help.

 

[noon_child]

It's hard isn't it? What he is doing is totally normal as he doesn't understand that he is safe in a warm room and you are coming back in just a few minutes. To him you might have forgotten him, so he cries for you as a way to survive "Don't let me be eaten by lions, I'm here, come get me!"

If you talk to other mums you'll often hear stories of how they learnt how to wee on the toilet while still breastfeeding etc. So don't think you are alone in not being able to stand the crying. I used to keep a cushion by the toilet door so that I could talk to LO and she could see me (sort of - they can't focus very far at that age) while I had a wee. She still often cried but at least I felt less like she was abandoned.

Getting food is tough too. I lost a lot of weight while I tried to figure out breastfeeding cos I wasn't really eating. I wish now that I had depended on my OH more and talked to friends etc. I would have asked them to prepare me food in microwavable portions, or make sandwiches for me, so that I could eat on the go. Could your OH do that? Even if he works hard for long hours, at the moment you work hard ALL hours and you need the food to keep you healthy and sane!

When it gets to being more about being held and less about stimulating your supply by actual sucking you may have some success using a wrap/sling to carry baby round while you make a sandwich or have a wee.

 

[KatO79]

Problem is my DH isn't super supportive and we often have very heated discussions about how to handle just about everything concerning Alexander. I could try I guess....

But is it normal for Alexander to not be sleeping very much during these periods of comfort sucking and feeding? I mean he doesn't sleep, maybe 15 minutes every 2-3 hours.

 

[minties]

Dozing on and off was normal here with my first and third (middle baby loved her pacifier so didn't really comfort suck).

I found things got much easier with Emma when she was about 8-10 weeks old, it got a lot easier to feed myself and go to the toilet. Sometimes she did just have to cry for minute and I told myself that I was allowed to go to the toilet and I couldn't deny myself water etc.

She is way way waaay easier now in regards to breastfeeding and not wanting to be held all the time. Now it's a joy to hold her an I look forward to it, rather than dread being glued to a chair all day feeding a baby. I love breastfeeding but I was getting really blue about it.

 

[noon_child]

But is it normal for Alexander to not be sleeping very much during these periods of comfort sucking and feeding? I mean he doesn't sleep, maybe 15 minutes every 2-3 hours.

It's so hard to answer the "Is this normal" questions because it could be normal for your baby during this stage of development. Usually problems only become obvious when you can see a pattern of behaviour over a longer period.

During cluster feeding not much sleeping happens and there is a lot of on off on off, and growth spurts feel like one big cluster feed for three straight days. However outside of this time I would expect to see some periods when he's having a decent calm feed taking himself off the breast and falling asleep BUT as he is a newborn I would say it is normal for him to only sleep from 15-45 minutes at a time. I think my LO would have slept for longer if I hadn't kept trying to put her down - because of course I was thinking "sleep when baby sleeps" so I wanted her in her bassinet so I could nap too, or like you I wanted to make a meal etc. I wish I had learned safe co-sleeping so I could have fed lying down and we could both have dropped off to sleep together.

Sometimes babies fall asleep because of the hormone released during sucking, but aren't actually getting very much milk so wake up again quickly to feed more - this is FINE as it is a way of ensuring babies return to the breast often which keeps them hydrated and fed BUT if there is anything that indicates your baby can't get milk when he sucks then you may need to seek the help of a lactation consultant. This might be:
losing weight or not gaining, very few wet and dirty nappies, poo still dark green or dark brown.

 

[KatO79]

Diapers and weight gain are fine so no issue there. Although I don't think we have lactation consultants in this country but I can look into it. My health care provider (trained in caring for babies and children including bf'ing) and my MIL (who bf'ed all 3 of her kids) both say he shouldn't be feeding for more than 1 hour at a time and to take him off and offer a pacifier when he does. They say otherwise I'll have super sore nips in the end

 

[noon_child]

Diapers and weight gain are fine so no issue there. Although I don't think we have lactation consultants in this country but I can look into it. My health care provider (trained in caring for babies and children including bf'ing) and my MIL (who bf'ed all 3 of her kids) both say he shouldn't be feeding for more than 1 hour at a time and to take him off and offer a pacifier when he does. They say otherwise I'll have super sore nips in the end

If diapers and weight gain are fine then whatever you are doing is working.

No-one can tell you that you have to use a pacifier - not all babies accept one, they can confuse the breastfeeding dynamic sometimes, and in cultures where pacifiers don't exist, no-on is being a "bad mother" by allowing their LO to comfort nurse. Pacifiers are a nipple replacement for normal natural feeding and comforting behaviour. If you want to try one for those times when you need to go make a meal etc. then that is a choice you are free to make, however comfort nursing is nota problem that needs fixing - and even if it were (some babies don't nurse effectively and only do what is called "non-nutritive sucking" which leaves them attached to the nipple all the time but losing weight and dehydrated) offering a pacifier wouldn't help. Pacifiers are a tool we can choose to use or not use. There is no rule about what you must and mustn't do beyond being responsive to your child's needs.

Sometimes those around us worry that we wont cope with the demands of breastfeeding if we don't have the 'help' of pacifiers or bottles or routines, but that is up to each individual to decide. No-one but you knows what you can and cant cope with. I found it more stressful thinking I was doing things wrong because I couldn't get LO to take a pacifier, couldn't leave her to cry etc. but if I had just been given options and allowed to chose for myself it would have been more relaxed.

 

[KatO79]

No-one can tell you that you have to use a pacifier - not all babies accept one, they can confuse the breastfeeding dynamic sometimes, and in cultures where pacifiers don't exist, no-on is being a "bad mother" by allowing their LO to comfort nurse. Pacifiers are a nipple replacement for normal natural feeding and comforting behaviour. If you want to try one for those times when you need to go make a meal etc. then that is a choice you are free to make, however comfort nursing is nota problem that needs fixing - and even if it were (some babies don't nurse effectively and only do what is called "non-nutritive sucking" which leaves them attached to the nipple all the time but losing weight and dehydrated) offering a pacifier wouldn't help. Pacifiers are a tool we can choose to use or not use. There is no rule about what you must and mustn't do beyond being responsive to your child's needs.

I never said that anyone is a bad mother for letting their LO comfort nurse for long periods, just that I personally can't always have him attached to my boobs for 2-3 hours straight. Btw isn't cluster feeding baby feeding more often but not for long stretches at a time? Mine isn't doing that, he's occasionally doing marathon feeds of e.g. 2 hours straight with almost no break in between. As far as I understand it, long sessions don't bring up your supply, it's baby feeding more often which he technically isn't doing, he's actually feeding less often by doing that.

I'm well aware that pacifiers are replacements, doesn't mean they can't be useful tools now and then for those that wish to use them - doesn't make anyone a bad mother choosing to use pacifiers. E.g. my DH's mother is a great mother and she bf but also used pacifiers occasionally - doesn't look like any of her children were harmed emotionally from it.

 

[noon_child]

No-one can tell you that you have to use a pacifier - not all babies accept one, they can confuse the breastfeeding dynamic sometimes, and in cultures where pacifiers don't exist, no-on is being a "bad mother" by allowing their LO to comfort nurse. Pacifiers are a nipple replacement for normal natural feeding and comforting behaviour. If you want to try one for those times when you need to go make a meal etc. then that is a choice you are free to make, however comfort nursing is nota problem that needs fixing - and even if it were (some babies don't nurse effectively and only do what is called "non-nutritive sucking" which leaves them attached to the nipple all the time but losing weight and dehydrated) offering a pacifier wouldn't help. Pacifiers are a tool we can choose to use or not use. There is no rule about what you must and mustn't do beyond being responsive to your child's needs.

I never said that anyone is a bad mother for letting their LO comfort nurse for long periods, just that I personally can't always have him attached to my boobs for 2-3 hours straight. Btw isn't cluster feeding baby feeding more often but not for long stretches at a time? Mine isn't doing that, he's occasionally doing marathon feeds of e.g. 2 hours straight with almost no break in between. As far as I understand it, long sessions don't bring up your supply, it's baby feeding more often which he technically isn't doing, he's actually feeding less often by doing that.

I'm well aware that pacifiers are replacements, doesn't mean they can't be useful tools now and then for those that wish to use them - doesn't make anyone a bad mother choosing to use pacifiers. E.g. my DH's mother is a great mother and she bf but also used pacifiers occasionally - doesn't look like any of her children were harmed emotionally from it.

Sorry if you felt I was criticising pacifiers, or anyone who uses them to ease the burden of comfort sucking. I wasn't, I know they can save some people's sanity. I was just saying that only you can decide to use them and not to feel bad either way, whether you decide to use them or not (I thought from your post that you were feeling pressured by a health professional and an expert at breastfeeding, who were saying you were somehow doing something wrong). I don't know where you got the impression that I thought pacifiers harmed children emotionally, I only mentioned that not using them doesn't harm children - again sorry if you though I was suggesting you thought this, I was just referring to ideas that are popular in some parenting and health care circles. I feel and said, what you said... that pacifiers are a tool that can be used as and when each mother decides.

In regards to cluster feeding, what you describe sounds exactly like cluster feeding. Sometimes you can wonder if they are getting anything at all as they can fuss and pull off so frequently, fall asleep every few minutes etc etc. but it all stimulates your supply.

 

[staralfur]

My LO was on the boob pretty much 24/7 at that age. There was about a week where she clusterfed from 10pm-7am on the dot, only dozing off for 5-15 minutes at a time occasionally before frantically latching on again.

But even when she was just comfort nursing during the day she'd wake up the second I tried to put her down. She never took a soother despite my trying from day 3 or 4 with every type of soother in existence. I was desperate to make it work but it just didn't and I came to realize that was normal, too.

I didn't get much done or much 'me time' for the first few months, really just the bare necessities like grabbing food, drinks, going to the bathroom (though half the time I carried a nursing baby with me to the toilet), a quick shower once my DH got home, etc.

The only advice I can really give is to take it one day at a time and keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass. Your LO is still so little and his needs are so full-on and it can be overwhelming, you're truly right in the thick of it right now. But as the weeks go by you'll find that it gets easier and easier. In the meantime I don't see the harm in offering the soother to see if he'll take it but try not to stress too much if he won't take it. While your MIL and care provider may have specific ideas of what's "right", your baby may disagree with that and he certainly calls the shots right now.

What I used to do sometimes was pump a little bit and then when my DH got home I'd take my dogs for a quick half an hour walk while my LO stayed at home. I could almost always be sure to come home to a screaming baby who was pissed she didn't have access to a breast for 30 minutes but just getting out of the house by myself for a few minutes was refreshing, and it wasn't so long that I felt my DH couldn't handle it (plus I had the milk there for backup, she'd usually drink it and it would give him a peaceful 10 minutes or so). Obviously if you don't have dogs you could still just go for a walk yourself or run to the store or something. Anyway, actually physically getting out of the house and having some actual alone time, even if it was brief, helped me cope with being needed at all times during the day when my DH wasn't around.