Compromise

[charlie_lael]

I need to talk to ladies who understand, 'cus my hubby obviously doesn't.

So I had a talk with my hubby about a baby... Well.. a one-sided conversation, really... I didn't get to have much say in any of it.. at least that's how I feel.

I told him I wanted to work out a compromise since he obviously doesn't want children right now. He still wants to be a kid. Which is understandable. Anyway. I told him my comfort zones on waiting and asked if we could settle on some sort of time frame. I told him that I feel comfortable waiting, at most, five years. Which would give him time to have a nice job after the Marine Corps and would give me enough time to go to school to be a neo-natal nurse. So we'd have a good income, have our fun for five years, and be more than ready to start a family..

He didn't even say anything to that. He just said no. No I'm not going to agree to that and No we can't compromise on something like that b/c I'm not going to give in to what you want.

That killed me.

I don't understand. He makes it sound like I'm being a spoiled brat while I'm trying to compromise with him. I asked him if he wanted to wait maybe a year longer than that or something and I said that something like 10yrs would be too long for me and he just said no to everything. He won't even compromise on a WTT!

What am I supposed to do? I'm not trying to be controlling and I'm not trying to just get what ever I want. I'm just trying to compromise so that we both get what we want...

Am I being stupid? Am I being too pushy? I think 5yrs would be just right...

What about my wants and needs? Why does he get to decide right when we have a baby? It takes two to have a baby so logically it should take two to compromise on the matter...

*sigh*... I don't know whether to think that I'm being a bad wife and I'm being obsessive and impatient, or if he's just not being fair.. I feel horrible either way...

It makes me so mad! He doesn't even try to understand how I feel.

He doesn't understand the feeling of wanting a child. Of wanting to be able to hold something that is a piece of yourself and the one you love. To be able to raise a child with someone you love into a beautiful person for God. He doesn't understand the love I feel for someone that hasn't even been concieved yet... and I wish he would...

I don't know what to do...

 

[WelshOneEmma]

Have you properly discussed the whole kids thing with your husband? Has he said he does want children one day? Maybe ask him what time frame works for him and then that can help you decide where to go from there?

 

[theapple9]

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[chynah]

Sorry to sound harsh but you may find yourself in the same situation in 10 years time with little chance of finding another (suitable) partner etc for children. If he is this selfish you need to decide whats important to you and make plans to attain it. Even if it means starting again with someone else.

 

[charlie_lael]

I asked him what time frame would be good with him and all he said was "I don't know. I can't just give you a waiting time"

I don't understand.. He says he wants kids. Everytime I ask him he says he does, but he never says when and never wants to compromise..

Chynah- I don't know.. That sounds so hard.. And I'm worried about that too. I'm worried that if I sit around and wait a long time then it'll be too late for me to have children. I can't not have a child and I want one with him. I love my husband so much... but I'm so afraid of never having children and he doesn't understand.. I feel like he's just lying about wanting kids 'cus he's afraid I'll leave him? But that doens't sound like him... I don't know..

I'm so afraid of not having kids, but I don't want to leave my husband either. I just wish he'd stop being a selfish jerk and at least pick a real time frame.. I don't know...

Thanks ladies.. It's good to know I'm not crazy... lol..

 

[nickibrum]

How old are the two of you? Is your OH younger/older? Maybe that makes a difference. I know that my OH still wants to be immature for as long as possible.

Maybe buy a pet to give yourself a few years!

 

[Pearls18]

Thing I found with my hubby was that by discussing something, even if you yourself are talking years ahead, it sounds like you're making the decision there and then so hubby hated it when I said I want to do this by then, and this by that etc etc. My hubby, like many men I would imagine, doesn't like to look too far into the future about certain decisions. I totally understand where you're coming from I too like to at least know what I'm aiming for and have a plan. As it happened we had an accidental pregnancy (which DH took brilliantly and totally in his stride but I know he wouldn't have planned it), but I think if that didn't happen I would have just had to wait it out until my own ideal time and then discuss it and see how that goes. If your husband has said he wants children I would be comforted by that and be patient for the next few years as you know yourself you weren't expecting children just yet.x

 

[charlie_lael]

We have a puppy.. Doesn't help much. lol. I love him to death though.

He's older than me by almost two years. we're 20 and 22. I understand him wanting to be immature and having fun.. I just wish he'd give me a time line, but he won't even do that..

 

[cerrie311]

I know the feeling of wanting one, however you are still VERY young! Everyone is different but the person I was at 20 then 25 was WAY different. Now I am 28 and I had my 1st a week before I turned 28. I'm not saying he is right but it is true he needs to be a kid, you guys are still kids...I mean that in the nicest way possible have fun while you can! You have time!

 

[snowangel187]

Who's in charge of the birth control?

Sorry. 22 yrs is really young and kind of immature, If you're ok with 5 years then wait it, he will probably come around when he matures. You'll both be settled and have a good foundation, he'll feel better and by then you're right all your play time will be out.. Men take longer then women to grow up and figure out what they want..

Even him not making a compromise with you shows immaturity..

My sister in law got married and wanted kids in 5years, he said 10, and they just had their first baby 7 1/2 year later. Their compromise was 7 years.

Good Luck hope he comes around..

 

[cocosmum]

you know what hun i think some men just don't like to make decisions and plans but when it just happens they are over the moon.
i'd give him 5 years hun hopefully by then he will be ready but you will have a time frame hopefully by then you may have had a happy accident.

 

[mrsswaffer]

Perhaps it's just too early to make specific plans? Maybe just tell him you want at least one child by the time you're 30, and tell him you won't compromise on that. I had it set in my head that I wanted to be a mum before I was 30, because it gives us time if we (God forbid) have trouble conceiving. DH agreed, and now we've only just got our more specific plan - we're both 26 at the moment.

 

[WelshOneEmma]

We have a puppy.. Doesn't help much. lol. I love him to death though.

He's older than me by almost two years. we're 20 and 22. I understand him wanting to be immature and having fun.. I just wish he'd give me a time line, but he won't even do that..

My OH was 23 when i met him and i was 25 and he was exactly the same then. He still wanted to hold onto the uni life and get settled in a job. He did want kids, but not then and i will be honest, 20 and 22 is very young.

My OH turned 30 this year and really wants kids. We have just started trying and get married next month and its lovely to see him get excited about prams, and baby grows etc because now he's ready for that.

I thought that you were going to say you were a lot older. Spend time together enjoying each other and then you may find that suddenly he wants a baby because you've stopped talking about it. I know that if someone keeps telling me they want something that i'm not sure about, i say no because i dont like feeling pressured.

 

[iow_bird]

Men are still boys at 22, they don't want to grow up and by talking about babies you're making him think about growing up!

20 is so young to be thinking so much about this and getting so frustrated, you can't plan life down to that fine a detail unfortunately, you and your OH will know when you are ready. If it was me, I would let the whole thing drop with your OH and enjoy what your doing at the moment, enjoy your training to be a neonatal nurse (hard going job - I've worked in neonatal units and it can be heartbreaking) enjoy sepnding time as a couple cos however much you want a baby and however much you love you OH, a baby changes everything. I was told once that having a baby was like throwing a bomb in the middle of a perfectly good marriage .... haha ... so true!

My OH was 30 when we had our DD, he wouldn't have been ready for it before then, we had too much fun being us. Pressuring him into giving you a date will probably just get his back up more, and you never know what is round the next corner!

Take care, and believe me I know how you feel!!!!!

 

[iow_bird]

ps. children and the timing etc of them are something you can't compromise on! They're so life changing that you have to agree, you either have them or you don't and there is no middle ground and no going back once you've got them. It changes you irreversably. I wouldn't want to have a child with someone unless they were 100% happy with the decision and had come to it in their own time.

At least he's saying he want's them......thats one massive issue sorted!

 

[GraceER]

To me, you need to take a step back from the baby issue and look at your partner and how you make decisions together as a whole. Now, the last time you made an important decision together, honestly, who made it? Did you get what you wanted? Did you compromise? Was he prepared to compromise?

Now, if you find yourself saying "oh well I let him have what he wanted because I didn't mind..." STOP! This is exactly what I was doing in my last relationship. I let my ex walk all over me because I was too afraid to stand up for what I wanted. Arguments would consist of him telling me what I had done wrong and me apologizing.

Now, that might be completely different from your situation and you may say he's normally very willing to compromise, and if so then you need to tell him that you understand that he doesn't feel the way you do right now about children but that it's something you'd like to have a serious conversation about within X many months. Then leave him to bring it up, try not to mention it again. Once this time has arrived you can bring it up again gently and ask him what he thinks now. If he's still refusing to talk then tell him if you're going to spend your life with him you need him to talk to you like a mature adult!

If however you think he's not compromising AT ALL about anything, then you need to have a very serious think about whether you want to spend your life with somebody who doesn't want to make you happy.

What do you think?

 

[charlie_lael]

I understand what you mean. I'll try that.. Thank you.

 

[Dolly.]

My hubby was 25 when we had our first, maybe a few more years might 'mature' him a bit? My hubby always wanted kids young though and we've always been able to talk about it, so it's hard to tell with someone who doesn't...maybe you need a serious chat about your relationship and if you want the same things ie kids

 

[chickenchaser]

Hi Hun, I do understand how hard it is to feel the need for a baby (as most of the women in wtt do) however like the others have said you are still very young and you do have time on your side.

Take it from me having a date is not the be all and end all. Three years ago we had a date of two years and at the time it felt great to have a date to look forward to, however we lost that date due to a situation out of our control and now we don't know when we will be able to try. Most of the time I'm ok with it (although it is difficult, I'm also 35 so......) but I know that one day our day will come and I'm so excited to know that one day it wont be right and the next it will.

If you love him, don't push him, see how it goes. In 5 years time if you are no closer then you and only you have to decide where you go from there.

Hope this helps hun, Take Care and enjoy being child free. XXX