Compulsive liar, am I right to stop contact?ho

[Becca_89]

Hi looking for a bit of advice.

I have a 2 year old son (just turned)

When I got pregnant his dad didn't want anything to do with the pregnancy and demanded I got an abortion many times, with guilt trip.
After I gave birth he still didnt want anything to do with him, when asked if he wanted to meet him, come to register him and also invited to the christening at 6 months he said he doesn't exist to him.

At 13 months I had an email from a lady, who explained she had a child 3 days younger than my son with my sons dad, so he had cheated and lied to me. I was shocked and upset for the fact my son had a sibling who his dad had been there for.
His dad emailed me and asked me to lie about him being his son-
Over time he was made to ask for contact from his current girlfriend and demanded they all met up with me and my son for contact- which I refused.

After time I ended up giving him a chance and met up with him alone,
He showed to try and make ammends and he had supervised contact with my son.

After a month, I moved closer for work and gradually he had unsupervised contact- my son went through a lot with a new nursery which I had safeguarding issues and living in a new home.

His dad asked me to introduce his new girlfriend to my son, which I refused and said once he has a secure attachment with him, I will meet her and decide that.

I found there were too many changes happening in his life as he was still only 20 months and was getting to know his dad.

Anyway it turned out he was lying to me and was taking him to his new girlfriends house, I caught them last week, although I suspected it anyway.

He lied to me about where he had been, who he was with. I even suggested that my son could go out for a birthday meal with his girlfriend, he said no not yet, when your ready.

There are other things I've been very unhappy with, including his parenting and things such as no nappy change on a 10 hour day and him being late everytime he picks and drops off.
The list could go on.

He doesn't accept he has done anything wrong and thinks he can decide who and when.

I will point out he has no PR and wished he didn't exist until 18 months old.

Thansk in advance and sorry it's so long.

Forgot to add my question,
Am I wrong in stopping f contact? I have said only supervised through court, as he manipulates everything I say, and do not trust his family also

 

[JLM19802017]

I guess my question would be what is best for your child? I understand your concerns about your ex's lying, but is your baby safe with him? You said that he didn't change your child's diaper(nappy) when he had your child for 10 hours. Are there any other signs of neglect that you see when your pick your child up? What is his lifestyle? Does anything about it put your child in danger? (Drugs, reckless behaviors)

I think that it would be advisable to speak to a lawyer about custody and supervised visitations if there are real concerns of neglect or the safety of your child. I think that you have been doing a great job of looking out for your child and setting boundaries. Praying that this situation is resolved in a peaceful manner that is what is best for your child.

 

[Becca_89]

I guess my question would be what is best for your child? I understand your concerns about your ex's lying, but is your baby safe with him? You said that he didn't change your child's diaper(nappy) when he had your child for 10 hours. Are there any other signs of neglect that you see when your pick your child up? What is his lifestyle? Does anything about it put your child in danger? (Drugs, reckless behaviors)

I think that it would be advisable to speak to a lawyer about custody and supervised visitations if there are real concerns of neglect or the safety of your child. I think that you have been doing a great job of looking out for your child and setting boundaries. Praying that this situation is resolved in a peaceful manner that is what is best for your child.

To be honest, as he can't speak I don't know too much about what goes on when I'm not there.

I have noticed finger bruises on his arm once after contact.

He has told me himself him and who he was with laughed at him whilst he was having a tantrum.

He also said he shouts at him until he cries (different approach to parenting than me and nursery).

He comes home starving, often doesn't give him meals, only snacks.

These are the main things I can say which point towards him being neglectful.

Then it is things such as him being unreliable, turning up late for pick ups and drop offs most times.

And then the dishonesty.

I have suggested to go down the legal route, so decisions are made via someone professional, rather than it being my word and then him trying to manipulate otherwise.

I haven't heard from him since.

 

[JLM19802017]

Yes, I would definitely speak with a lawyer and also have your child seen by a child psychologist once you have spoken with a lawyer. The child psychologist may be able to say from the child's behaviors, even if they are non-verbal, if there has been abuse or neglect. This way, it can be used in court and isn't just a he said/she said situation. Praying that God gives you the strength and wisdom during this process.

 

[Scout]

If it was just the lying (which is bad enough) I would have said I wouldn't cut off contact just based on that, but with everything else you posted in the follow up, I would say yes. Finger bruises, yelling at the child until he cries, laughing when the child has a tantrum (which would indicate to me that he has no concern for the child's feelings at all)...it's the whole picture that would cause me concern. I wish you the best.