Confused and alone

[bananaz]

Sorry, this is probably going to be really long!

My OH and I had been together for 6 years before I got pregnant. We'd had our ups and downs (including him sleeping with another girl and then lying about it several years ago) and have always had some significant communication issues, but generally got along well and were happy.

My pregnancy was not at all planned. When we first found out he was really encouraging but then he started to panic and tried to pressure me into getting an abortion. After a lot of arguments I finally told him that I'd made up my mind to keep the baby and that he either needed to decide that he wanted to be a dad or we needed to split up. At that point he started acting more supportive and like he was on board with the pregnancy, though things were kind of tense at times.

So a few months later our daughter was born. Dealing with a colicky newborn was pretty difficult but we worked through it together and he was really great with her most of the time. Then when our LO was 6 weeks old he came home and said he had put in 30-day notice on our rental house and that he was leaving us to go to school in Hungary! Apparently he had been planning this for months, before the baby was even born, and had just been pretending to be committed. When I asked him why, he said that he felt like his opinion didn't matter because I hadn't gotten the abortion like he wanted, and that he felt like I'd neglected him when I'd been so busy with school and the pregnancy and then the baby. Of course he had never told me about ANY of this, he just decided that the best thing would be to run away.

Anyway, pretty much the minute he got to Hungary he started emailing me saying how much he missed me and how he wanted to work things through. At the time I was still adjusting to being on my own and was so depressed and overwhelmed that the idea of just having everything go back to normal was very appealing so I was more encouraging than I probably should've been. Over time, though, I've gotten really angry with him. I don't understand how could've left us like this and I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust him again. Plus he never even asks about LO when we talk - it's like she's just an accessory that comes with me.

Previously I was just telling him that I needed more time but he wasn't taking the hint so today I finally told very bluntly him how I feel. I know he got the message but he hasn't responded, and I'm starting to panic that I've done the wrong thing by pushing him away. Dealing with LO on my own has been so exhausting and I wonder if I'm being totally crazy by saying no to someone who could give me companionship and share the responsibility with me, but at the same time I don't want to go back to him just because it's comfortable, and I really don't want to have to constantly worry that he's unhappy and getting ready to abandon us again.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this here. I guess I need some support or a reality check or something. Am I being a horrible mom turning away my LO's father when he wants to make up with me?

 

[emeraldbaby]

I think you were smart to push him away. The fact that he ignores the existence of your baby, and would even bring up that he originally wanted you to get an abortion after the baby was already a few months old, AND that he left you guys.... All screams selfish loser!
He doesn't genuinely care about you or the baby. He likes the idea of having you in the background to use as he sees fit. Believe me when I say he will only bring you more disappointment.
Take this time to have a clean break and concentrate on your baby. In time you will find someone worthy of you and your daughter. Hugs x

 

[veganmum2be]

That's awful you have him the option to stay or go when you decided to keep the baby and going you that much notice when he'd been planning it for some time is not right, the fact he doesn't even ask about her shows he's not interested he probably just likes the idea of something to come back to when he's done what he's doing. I would also take this opportunity to make a clean break, you and baby deserve better

 

[bananaz]

Thank you for the feedback. You both have pretty much summarized how I've been feeling. It's just hard to keep turning him away when he's acting so nice, even though I know all too well he won't always be like this!

 

[Dezireey]

Your situation is similar to mine and the thing that stands out the most is that our FOBs run for the hills when life gets too much for them or they have to be a responsible adult. They are immature and the main reason I will never take my ex back ( not that he's asked but I'd love the pleasure of saying no) is that he'll do it again. He's the type of guy that would disappear if I was critically ill or say the house caught fire and I'd be left with all the aftermath whilst he disappears to Lapland because HE can't handle it. This man will bring you down, best step is keep him at arms length. Let him see his child if he ever wants that and if that's what you want but I would steer clear of him as a partner. He will just keep letting you down and stringing you along, like my ex did.

 

[bananaz]

Your situation is similar to mine and the thing that stands out the most is that our FOBs run for the hills when life gets too much for them or they have to be a responsible adult. They are immature and the main reason I will never take my ex back ( not that he's asked but I'd love the pleasure of saying no) is that he'll do it again. He's the type of guy that would disappear if I was critically ill or say the house caught fire and I'd be left with all the aftermath whilst he disappears to Lapland because HE can't handle it. This man will bring you down, best step is keep him at arms length. Let him see his child if he ever wants that and if that's what you want but I would steer clear of him as a partner. He will just keep letting you down and stringing you along, like my ex did.

I know you're right, but it's so hard to have to keep saying no, especially when dealing with baby on my own is so difficult. I know that I really need to be clearer with him and break things off once and for all

It's only now that he knows that I'm willing to walk away that he's started really apologizing and taking responsibility for his actions. Argh