Confused and emotional about fob - long post

[Lemonflower]

After all the things fob has done to me I'm still pining for him!! I want so badly to hate him (sometimes I do) but this pain in my chest and stomach will not go away!! I feel so raw and sob everyday, I think I'm still shocked and devastated by what he's done. A quick low down...

*left me after petty arguing when I was 13 weeks
*we were in the process of buying a house using my money for the fees (over £1000) and he cancelled the house losing me all that money
*adds his Ex's Facebook within a week of leaving me and goes out looking for shags
*slates me on Facebook
*Lies to my friends saying I'm "cool" with the split and that I'm withholding info on the baby!
*has told people at work (we work in the same company but different wings) very personal things about me
*calls me baron due to my pcos (though it didn't take long to fall!)
*ignored me from 13-20 weeks
*has asked me if the baby is his and stated he wants a DNA test (he knows baby is his)
*WORSE - he's threatening me with joint custody which I'm so scared about!!
He's admitted to my face that he will make lies about me in court and paint me as a bad mother- I explained in my other thread that he's family is wealthy and they will win cos they will get the "best UK solicitor" he know I will not deny access I just do not want him to have joint.
He's a very messed up individual with a complicated family life (I have been a pillar of support for him) also he openly admits he is selfish and lazy (helps me with nothing) due to his wealthy family. I always thought and had hope he'd change, he says it serves me right and that over 6 years together I should have accepted him as this

I begged, screamed, cried for him to stay.... Wrote him a letter and text him loads at the start but he tells me it's for the best and to f**k off. He didn't even give me the time of day when he was moving out his things.
DESPITE all this I still cry for him everyday!!! Please someone talk some sense in to me!!!!
I feel so hard done by and that I didn't deserve any of this. How can the women in his family give him the money to buy a house and support him??
I'm really mear-hearted, he left me before for 3 months, shagged around and then came back!! He told me this time he may get "bored and lonely" in his new house so I'm wondering if he will come back.... He's very impulsive and I feel he'll regret this but it's too late.... I dunno!! Aragh!
I'm so hurt and like I said everyday I sob!
I know he's done so much to me and I'd be a fool to take him back I think I'm just worried deep down that no one will want me and my baby and I'll never meet anyone, I'm scared and thought he'd be with me during this pregnancy! So sad I can't laugh and talk about our baby together!!
I'm not enjoying pregnancy, I'm heartbroken! People keep telling me to focus on the baby but I can't!!!! I feel so guilty!!

He finally text me at 20 weeks asking if I wanted anything for the baby, I told him I'd got most bits but told him he could get some clothes.
He replied that he wanted a scan and to know the sex (I believe this is the only reason he text me)
On Wed I text him and told him I could not find out baby's sex and need to return next Wed cos the heart could not be viewed cos of babies awkward position.
Because he's text this week (Mon - Wed) I've felt even lower this week - I think I was also holding out hope he'd come back before the scan....
Text him today pleading nicely for him not to contact me anymore and for him to show me some kindness, cos this whole weekend I have been a mess, told him I'd text him Wed about baby and that if anything bad happens I would keep him informed other then that the baby is fine!!
I feel I need time to get over what he has done to me but I feel panicked I have sent this. Feel scared I've made him angry and may have wrecked any change of reconciliation though I don't even know if I want that after everything he's done!!!

He's a lowlife and i've screamed at my friends to leave their partners when they have done less than this!! Please someone give me a good talking to!! I'm such a weak person!!!! I'd only go back to him if he came back because deep down feel that it will take the awful feelings and sadness that i have everyday want to be happy again! I know he'd do this again, I'd never trust him and he was a horrible person in the relationship anyway! What do you think, have I done the right thing with my text?
Will this pain eventually go away, it's breaking me inside thinking he's getting with other girls!!!
I don't think I will ever be happy again!!! Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Sorry for the long post......

xxxx

 

[babydue2011]

i know it will be hard but you really have to let go at this point. I was with my FOB for 3 years, he was my first everything. long story short... when i fell preg and told him in April he told me to "just kill it" he wasnt ready to be a dad. told me if i killed it we could work things out. I kept my baby, now here in nov i found out so many lies. He has a new gf... i thought they didnt start talking till July (lie.. started in April). thought they werent having sex (lie.. started having sex in May). now he "loves" her and she is preg with his baby! which he tried to hide and lie about. i cried for him everyday, i couldnt understand what was wrong with me, texted him/wrote/called and begged him back many times (before i knew all the lies) .... so as you see in the end i am still alone. its sad at times because i remember the old him but i would never want to be with this "monster" of a person. somebody who would not stick by me but yet will this new girl.

try and delete/block everything about him. you will just have to be strong... you dont want to hold on to somebody you does not want to be with you. who will only end up hurting you more in the end. knowing the truth has made me stronger has really allowed me to get over wanting him back.
took me 8 months to get the truth and finally get over wanting him. He will not be in my babys life (his choice) but karma will come around.

be strong

 

[Mally01]

Sweetheart, for your own and your baby's sake you definitely need to try very hard to let this man go. I know exactly where you are coming from as I feel the same and some days are bad (yesterday for me) and some days are good.It's perfectly natural to miss someone you were intimate with, spent time with and is the father of your baby. It is very heartbreaking, painful and unfair but being with someone like this will always cause you pain. He has no respect for anyone and definitely shows no respect for you. It doesn't matter in this world if a man falls out of love/can't be bothered/hates/ can't make up his mind etc about the woman he had the relationship with but to be nasty to her whilst pregnant and cause her suffering and pain is unforgiveable. And that is the key word here 'forgiveness' this is something you shouldn't forgive him for doing, ever.

I took my ex partner back after rows / break ups and even apologised to him when he was in the wrong. All they learn from this, is that no matter how badly they treat you, they can snap their fingers and you will come running.

For your own sanity, be strong, accept that you miss him but shouldn't be with him and move forward. It's hard but that's what I have to do and I also can't cope anymore with the stress and hurt he has caused.

 

[Laura2919]

It didnt take me long to stop wanting him around. At first i'd have taken him back in a heartbeat but that was only because I was scared of the future held. I had to sit down and think, did I want to be with a man who treated me like I wasnt worth much to him at all or did I want something better from my life? I decided that being single didnt mean alone or needing something more from life it meant I could be me and enjoy myself. There are still times I wonder what it would be like if we didnt split but I know the answer, its the same every time. He would still be the same to me and me to him!

Life is never easy, its amazing how you can have had a wonderful relationship with FOB and you look back and think 'at what point did it get this bad?' but you need to remember nothing is forever including your feelings. One day when you least expect it you will meet someone who will take your breath away. And you will think FOB who?

 

[Lemonflower]

Thanks ladies!!! There really are some monsters out there. It's so sad you're all going through this but reassures me that i'm not alone and not to feel so hard done by!! If you can do this then so can I!!

I think when I post this I was really emotional as I'd had my 20 week scan on Wed and he'd been in touch... Little baby was in an awkward position so couldn't view the heart or find the sex out. I was then booked in for another scan this Wed gone.
I think I was holding out that he'd come back by week 20 and was so sad when he didn't, I then felt i had another week of hoping and waiting - was this fate? Another chance for him??
(don't get me wrong I was also excited about seeing baby again and having another shot at finding out the sex)
He kept texting me in the week saying stupid things like, "shall I buy nappies" I replied,
"you don't need to be nice to me, I will tell you how the next appt goes and what sex baby is" his answer - "good".

This Wed i found out baby's heart is fine and he's a little boy!!
Text "that" straight after and we ended up in a row - me asking "why" and crying that he's missing loads!! He was awful, arrogant and blamed me (same shit he blamed me for when he's walked out in me before, really petty childish things") he admitted he'd never change..... Doesn't need to! (he has issues - deep family issues he won't address and it's messed him up)
So I'm thinking I really do need to let go, he says he'll never change so if he did come back he'd still be the same vile man but it will also be with everything else he's done to me on top of it. Also I don't want my son seeing him the way he gets with me and to experience me going through all thus sh*t again!
I need to be strong and look forward... Maybe one day I'll thank him for not getting back with me a few weeks ago!

Big milestone - haven't cried in 2 days!!! I know I will cry again but I'm happy I'm feeling stronger for the first time in weeks!

Now that the scans are done I feel I can now have some closure on him.

Time to start buying blue!!!

xxxx

 

[Laura2919]

Congratulations on your blue bump and well done for not crying..

 

[Mally01]

Congrats hun on your baby boy. Keep strong, you know you can do it, it gets slowly better and better, you will be okay in the end.

 

[cluelessnow]

Congrats on your blue bump. I know how you feel. After not contacting FOB for 2 months and feeling strong, I thought I could handle talking to him again but no, all the old feelings come back and I'm back at square one. Now though, he's finally honest about things, telling me I'm not the one and that the one for him would be easy. It hurts when he worries more about losing out on his own holidays because he'll have to spend the money and time off work to travel back to see our son 2 times a year! I don't understand a man who chooses a country or holidays over a baby who he sees as a burden.

 

[Lemonflower]

I'm sorry cluelessnow !

How can we get FOB so wrong ! I spoke to my midwife and she says she sees this senario many a time......
Just never thought something like this would happen to me though.

As they say - The Only Way is Up !!

xxxx

 

[cluelessnow]

I'm sorry cluelessnow !

How can we get FOB so wrong ! I spoke to my midwife and she says she sees this senario many a time......
Just never thought something like this would happen to me though.

As they say - The Only Way is Up !!

xxxx

I know. I ask that same question day in day out - how could I have got him so wrong. I've had people say you don't know someone's true colours until the sh!t hits the fan. I'm 7 months now and love my bump so much that I wouldn't change a thing. But I can't help cry thinking that because of my bad judgement, I've set bubs up in a broken family and an absent FOB who is too selfish to care.

Feels like I'm back at the bottom of a well, feeling too emotionally drained to climb up it right now but like you said, the only way is up. I've been told that it's a good thing I found out all this and going through the turmoil now - at least when bubs arrive, things will be constant in his life. All we should care about now is look after LO and make sure they're safe inside us until they arrive.

 

[Rhio92]

Stay strong 9 weeks is early days, it's ok to be upset xxxx