Contact with New Baby

[ProzacQueen]

hello fellow single mummies

just after opinions really.

right, my ex left me when i was 6 weeks pregnant for someone else, moved in with her straight away. We have a DD together who he sees fairly regularly but much to my disgust he has included the new GF from day 1 even though i asked him to spend quality time with DD and keep the trollop (childish, sorry sorry) out of it.

this obviously makes me sick considering im pregnant with our 2nd DD who we were actively TTC for rather a long time. He has told me he didnt think i would actually get pregnant - wtf? - and he has moved on and i need to get over it, easy for him to say, he isnt a pregnant single mum.

despite eveything we were being civil to each other recently - that was until he brought the GF with him to collect DD this weekend just gone. which personally i find totally inappropriate?? or is it just me?? anyway....that has kicked up alot of hurt again for me and i dont feel civil to him anymore.

my problem now is thinking about his contact with DD2 when she arrives.

i *think* his expectation is that after a few weeks he will just collect DD2 when he collects DD1.

i may be over reacting here....but i dont want him & her marching off with my newborn baby!!! he hasnt even been to 1 scan - and ive had 8 so far - he hasnt even enquired about the pregnancy once!

should i be ok with it??

tbh, i want him to have some kind of a relationship with her. but he just wont have that same bond that he has with DD1 will he? so i only want him to have contact while im there.

another problem that means is finding a place to have this contact. when he left i got kicked out as couldnt afford the rent on my own so i struggled for months to find my house im in now, had to move on my own etc and have made a lovely nest for me & my babies. I dont want him in my house...

arrrgh then i guess there is the grandparents problem. i cant BEAR them - they have done nothing to support me and i know they are all chummy with the new GF. but i guess they will come crawling out the woodwork when LO is born

so the point of my post (sorry its long) is what would you do? how would you play it? would you happily hand over your baby to him & the gf to care for?

im the only single mummy i know so noone really ''gets'' how i feel so its hard to get advice, iykwim?? i mean, people just say...oh its his baby too - erm yeah but he wasnt thinking of baby when he dumped me and moved in with GF was he.

ps.
i will probably FF again, so that isnt a factor to consider at the moment. and also my mum is close by so i do luckily get a break so im not relying on him for that so not a factor either.

 

[LilBean2010]

Hi Hun,

I know exactly how you feel...I am expecting a baby conceived via my ex. He left me and has since gone back to his ex wife who he was cheating with. The thought of her playing house with my newborn makes me sick...I can't stomach it!!

I offered him a parenting plan that said he got a "phased up" visitation plan starting at 2-3 hours, 2-4 times per week in my presence. He basically told me to go to hell - it was his baby too - and he wanted 50/50 from day one...well actually day three. Since I will have had the baby for three days in the hospital - he thought the baby should go home with him for three days!!!!! Grrr...

My sitaution is different in that I do not have an older child with him, but I still would not agree to just picking up the baby and running off. Newborns need a stable base and can't run about. I would offer him a phased in plan with the baby, eventually working up to the same plan you have for DD1.

You ARE NOT being unreasonable at all...you are doing what is best for your LO!

 

[sciencemum]

Look at all of us at 30 weeks!

I have no advice in that I am not having a baby with an ex-partner (mine was more a little fling) however I know how you feel. FOB has informed me he wants the baby 50-50, even though he will still be at college (age 24) and living in a shared house. I am thinking of drawing up visitation plan, but I already offered him 2 weekends a month to spend time with her and he rejected it and only wants 50-50. Apparently me not giving him 50-50 is me not thining of the baby, yet I am so worried about the baby, its all i am worried about, im scared to just hand over a newborn to a guy I barely know, and know for a fact he doesnt know about bathing feeding or her routines ect

I don't want him to not be in her life, yes, the baby is half his, but I cant chop her in half and half time each is not beneficial.

I don't know where I stand legally though.

Just to let you know, that your not alone.

I would definatly be upset with the introducing girlfriend thing, but I don't know if there is anything that I would be able to do against it.

 

[ProzacQueen]

Honestly - its a total relief just hearing someone say, i know how you feel. and not making out im just jealous and over reacting.

sciencemum, i cant believe he wants 50/50. so who is going to look after baby when he is at college? and a shared house isnt really a safe/suitable place for a baby. plus i can imagine it wouldnt take long for his housemates to get fed up of the situation. being woken at night, baby paraphranalia everywhere etc your doctor/midwife & health visitor will all back you up to.
oh yeah and your midwife should visit you at home for at least a week after u leave hospital. so he can stick 50/50 from day 3 up his bum

...nope there is nothing i can do about the GF, have already asked a solicitor. i just have to suck it up and try not to think of her playing with DD and having a relationship with her and just hope that she isnt out the picture in a few weeks and someone else is moving in. i dont want DD growing up thinking that that behavior is ok

lilbean - dont you wonder how crazy these other women must be?? their men left their pregnant partners to be with them. thats lower than low. how can they be happy knowing that? how can they trust them? its just mad!

 

[billy2mm]

does your ex get on with your mum ok?
i would be tempted to suggest that the contact with both the children happens in your mothers home that way he isnt in your home and its sort of on neutral teritory.

i dont think its unreasonable to tell him you want him to bond with his new daughter alone ie not with the GF present because it is a special time and he cant be distracted by what is best for his children by trying to teach her about handling and looking after a new baby. say something like he needs to get to know dd2 and learn her routine before trying to teach it to someone else and make out that you are putting dd2 first (which of course you are i just mean in a way that cannot be misinterperated) and hopefully (or not depending on what you think of the GF) she will get bored and will bugger off haha.

you are being alot fairer than i would be - my ex wouldnt get to be left alone with my kids let alone have his trollop around them too!!!

 

[WhiteGeisha]

My personal opinion would be that he does not take the newborn off when he picks up ur eldest and definately not when the nw girlfriend is around. Regardless of him telling you to move on, there is nothing to say that this new relationship of his will last.

I do not agree with children mixing with new partners.

I agree with the comment above about maybe having access at your mum's. It doesn't have to be at his families - the chances of him sneaking his new gf along would be higher if you agreed with that.

You stick to your guns on this one - no court would let him have access to a newborn away from you with his new GF anyway so he won't have a leg to stand on. Just because he's doing it with your eldest doesn't mean he can with a baby - it's completely different because he was with you when you had your eldest and she knows who he is etc.

x

 

[lushious09]

i totaly get how ur feeling... men really disgust me at times... i split with my ex at 2months pregnant... found out hed been cheating... he was nothing but vile to me up until 4months when he started to come round and actually make an effort to be involved in pregnancy ... now just recently hes turned into a prick yet again...so i have said to him if u want involvment we need to discuss terms when and how... but if ur attitude remains this way ull be having none at all!

if i were you id tell him he needs to get his prioritys sorted! what type of woman trolls off with a guy whos expecting someone elses baby! this baby should be the only thing on his priority list 2bh!

As childish as it may sound u have every right to deny him seein ur daughter around her... shes a total stranger and u can claim u dont feel comfortable or trust her enough in the care of ur daughter! if he wants to see either kids it should be away from her and on ur terms!! men like him dont deserve a say when they do things like this imo!

I hope u sort everything hun n if u ever need a rant im more then happy to listen x

 

[AppleBlossom]

My ex went off with some guy and had Grace around him from day one and I didn't find out they were even seeing each other until 2 months after. I was fuming.

Could you maybe have contact at your mums house? Or if they don't get on then maybe ask your mum if she could be out while he sees her?

 

[ProzacQueen]

OMG despite me telling him to his face and again by text - he turned up at my house with the GF in the car. (30mins ago)

WTF? how is that acceptable to bring her to my house? im so angry im having contractions but they are easing off now.

he told me its been 6 months now, and to get over it. and i had no right to say who he could bring here!

i was angry and lashed out so said he couldnt have access to the baby for them to play house with.
his reply?? ''oh well, she will grow up resenting you then''

im seriously considering telling him no no longer has access to DD1 until he agrees to my terms - OR he can go to court and a judge will decide whats best for us all.




massive thanks for the support girls xx

 

[ProzacQueen]

forgot to say...my mum cant stand him for what he's done. and my stepdad is likely to batter him if he went in their house

think it would have to be somewhere completely neutral - softplay or something. but that could be awkward.

Besides, after today i just dont think he has ANY right if he is going to deliberately go out his way to upset me..

 

[WhiteGeisha]

If he can't respect your wishes - and continues to ignore what you say then I would tell him until he can he is not to come and pick her up anymore.

Yeh he can seek legal advice, but he will not get access granted with this woman around - he will be given access without her and too right too.

x

 

[ProzacQueen]

yes, this is what im going to do. not that i want to go down that route but i dont think i should just accept whatever he wants if im not happy with it, whether that be 6 months or 6 years down the line.

i know he doesnt want to go to court, purely because he cant afford to. so really that doesnt give him much choice does it, leave her at home or go bankrupt going to court!!

 

[billy2mm]

thats totally wrong!! he should have enough respect for you to not bring her to your home!!

i would totally stop contact until something can be sorted out. you dont know this girl and she might be the nicest person in the world or she may be the devil incarnate but you dont know! he has to see that!!! tell him if roles were reversed would he like another man playing daddy to your daughters? bet he wouldnt!

 

[ProzacQueen]

you dont know this girl and she might be the nicest person in the world or she may be the devil incarnate but you dont know!

absolutely agree. she might be lovely, and had she not happily pi$$ed off with my DP knowing he had just got me pregnant (and not by accident) - i may well of been prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt. but no, seriously she must be off her head?

Putting her and my feelings about her aside, i genuinely only want the best for my DD. i thought that was to continue seeing her dad. but is that REALLY best for her if all he seems interested in is his love life? you would think he would want some quaility time with DD all to himself?

men!!

cant live with them....CAN actually live without them. quite easily

 

[lou_w34]

Men! They really do make me laugh at times! They seem to think we owe them a favour at times...

Anyways, my story is different to yours... BUT... FOB saw LO when she was 12 days old, the next time he wanted to see her he said he was bringing his new gf of 4 months! I told him in no uncertain terms that if he brought her along then i would leave immediatley no questions asked. So he told me he wouldnt visit his daughter if his gf couldnt come, and that his GF was more important to him then LO =O I was shocked when he said this, but i stood my ground and said that he comes alone or not at all.... we havent seen him since.

He has said he will come a few times after, but he never showed.

Anyways, my point is, if your not happy with this woman being around your child, then dont let her be! I personally wouldnt even let her be around your eldest daughter either... your ex needs to realise he should be having time alone with his kids, not involving his gf.

Good luck! This must be such a horrible situation to be in!