Contemplating Devorce =/ please help!

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

I just wanted to start off saying I am a veteran here, but for privacy reasons I have made this account to post this issue.. hope no one minds.

Also I know its going to get lengthy but if you plan to respond please read until the end.. and if you can't be kind and respectful please don't bother.

Well..I guess I'll start from the beginning.. when I had recently turned 18 I began dating the older brother of one of my good friends. He was about 2 1/2 years older than me and was serving in the military. Now I had had "boyfriends" throughout jr high and high school but he was the first real relationship I'd had. I'd known him forever but never really had an interest in him until he came home on leave for a few weeks. We had been talking on MSN and texting while he was gone and he called me up the day after he came home saying he was bored and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out.. Well.. I guess we both got kind of lusty and caught up in the moment. I always knew I wanted to marry young and I guess I really didn't have much self confidence and kind of felt like it was a now or never situation, for him he had recently (within a few months) been dumped by his ex fiance so I think he kind of subconciously wanted to fill the gap..

In other words I don't think we ever had REAL feelings for eachother.. and to this day I feel like we are more friends with benefits than in a relationship.. I mean I love him and appreciate him for all he's done..but I'm not IN love with him.. and I'm pretty sure he's not in love with me.. plus he's just not affectionate.. at all.. unless he wants sex and I'm the total opposite.. I love to cuddle.. and we argue over the stupidest things.. I knew before he proposed even that something was off.. but I refused to admit it to myself and felt like we could work through it.. I wanted to make it work.. He doesn't even want to go on dates anymore.. he says we can spend time together at home watching netflix since we are already paying for it anyway...

We had been dating only 4 months when he proposed and got married 4 months later. Yeah.. we did rush into it (but I don't think it was our age becuase I know pleanty of young people who married young and are still going strong) but rather the fact that we just fell in love with the idea of love before giving ourselfs a chance to really know what love is. Only a year ish after we married I noticed he'd been talking to his ex on facebook.. nothing odd going on and yeah I'll admit I did look at the convos from time to time but it was often enough that I realized I don't think he ever fully got over her. He's not the cheating type (not that he really has the time to anyway) but like it would to a lot of girls it did kind of bother me.. Anyway she some how came up in one of our convos one day and I jokingly said I wasn't going to be his rebound when surprisingly in all seriousness he told me "You kind of were..". It hurt to say the least. Kind of confirmed that he wasn't over her but he told me he loved me more than he ever loved her.. Which I guess was just to make me feel better.. Things haven't been the same since but at that time I was pregnant with our first so more than ever I was determined to make it work.

4 1/2 years later we now have two kids and here I am realizing that he is never going to be the guy I want him to be.. I can't change him and it wouldn't be right of me to expect him to but at the same time its also not fair to myself to stay in this relationship. I feel like I deserve to be with someone who really does love me and he deserves to find someone he truely cares for too. I also don't want this to affect our kids anymore than it already has.. He is sooo rude to them! He's never been a good father, barely helped out until recently now that our kids are a little older and more independant.. but even when our son was only a year old whenever he cried, no matter what it was about he would tell him to man up and stop being a p*ssy.. he also tells him to shut up, quit being ******** and other things along those lines.. Our son is now 3.. Our daughter is nearly a year and a half and he does the same to her though not as often (she's not as sensitive). It hurts me so bad to see he is treating them that way and I always tell him off for it. I don't want my kids thinking that is ok or normal even and I definitely don't want my son to be that kind of man! He's really beginning to stress me out and I know it affects me as a mother though I am doing the best I can to make sure my kids know they are loved and they are definitely not lacking any love or care from me. My kids deserve a better father figure though. He also straight up told me that if we ever divorce, he wouldn't fight me for the kids.. Which in a way relieves me but at the same time I find that incredibly sad! I know he cares about them but I don't think he wants the responsibility of being a parent.. I sit here letting all the little things just bottle up and from time to time it just all comes out at once and I go seclude myself in a bathroom and cry while taking a shower or something because I don't want anyone to see how this is hurting me.. Any time I try to talk to him about it he just tells me to leave or get over it or that its not going to change. Trust me, its not for a lack of trying on my part.

I'm a stay at home mom and the last (and only) job I had was when I was 16..working at an arcade.. I've stupidly let myself become completely financially dependant on my husband. He's a great provider and I do have full access to our bank account so its not like he's cheating me out on that but he does tell me that its HIS money and that if I want to get things like life insurance or savings accounts for the kids or even buy him a gift that I need to get a job and pay for it myself.. but seeing as I have no skills, minimal expirience and am still working on my degree I really don't think I can make much more than $10 an hour at most at most places.. which wouldn't be worth it after the cost of child care.. If we do divorce it wouldn't be enough to support myself and my kids. I don't want to have to work two full time jobs because then I would never see my kids and my time with them is just so precious.. I have applied to a job but still waiting to see if they will call me back.. nothing else seems worth applying for yet (money wise) but still looking..

I really want to leave for the sake of myself and especially my kids, but I don't have the heart or guts to take that leap and I don't see how I could afford to either.. I figured I would need ATLEAST $3000 a month to cover rent, car payment, insurance, child care (which is a good chunk of that cost! and the state care has a super long waiting list), utilities, gas and basic needs and all that.. $10 an hour full time would only get me about half of that after taxes.. My family really can't help me too much with child care or a place to stay long term and yeah I could file for child support but it wouldn't really be all that much and I don't really want to give him any leverage since I would probably move out of state (another thing we keep arguing about, our current state of residence is not good for my health) I know that while I'm sure he wouldn't, I can't bank on his word of not fighting for the kids but even if he didn't he probably would want visitation at least at which point I would need permission to leave the state. Also I don't want to rely on welfare either, though I would if I had to.. I just want whats best for all of us..


I'm just stuck in a rut and don't know what to do.. if anyone could please offer some advice on what to do here.. but please be respectful, you do not know my full story..

Sorry this is so long

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

Sorry.. Just noticed I spelled Divorce wrong in the title.. =/ but I don't have the option to edit that post right now for whatever reason!

 

[slg76]

sorry you are feeling so stuck. I think it's good that you are taking a good look at your situation and wanting better for you and your kids. It sounds like your hubby is very disrespectful and none of you should have to be around that. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must be to think of the finances of leaving. Hubby absolutely does have a responsibility to pay child support and alimony no matter where you are living. Maybe there is a women's shelter in your area that could help? Not that you would have to stay there but they must have some ideas of affordable child care and what public assistance you might qualify for? Good luck

 

[Meezerowner]

This is just so sad and it's obvious that you are unhappy and have been for a while.

It sounds like you've made you decision and just don't know how to work things out financially.
You need to think what's best for you and the children in the longrun.... how you might feel in 5 years time if nothing has changed and he is still being uncaring towards them. Then you will wish you had done something sooner and not wasted another 5 years on a no-good relationship.

I don't know how it works in the States but here you get support as a single parent. Is it possible that maybe a family member could help you with a bit of childcare so you could work. If you are still studying is it possible to get a better paid job at the end of your course?

I know what it's like to stay in a relationship that you are unsure of (I did it for 8 years!) and I wish I'd walked away the million or so times I thought about it. Rather than justifying things and hoping he would change - people don't change that drastically, in fact their bad qualities mostly get worse! The only good things that came out of my relationship were my children and even then I was really stupid to try for a baby when I remember thinking what a lousy father he would make.... but I kept deluding myself that he would change and step-up.
Anyway because of them I wouldn't change it BUT I wished I walked away at 8 years ago, or 7 years ago, or 6 years ago etc etc

Financially though I'm screwed now! I'm selling our house and moving back in with my Mum in my 30's! I had to give up my career (although hopefully that wont be forever) and basically I'm leaving a lot of possessions behind. So it's pretty scary splitting up and I think that's why I didn't do it all those years early cos there were just too many financial ties and I was "comfortable" albeit unhappy.

The choice is yours. My situation is different - my hand was forced in the end and after all those years of gritting my teeth and putting up with awfulness he had an affair and left me and then I found out loads of other awful stuff about him (police are involved now). I wish I'd had the balls to do the leaving on my terms!

I wouldn't worry too much about custody if he's not that bothered now he prob wont change his mind. Especially as if he has them 3 days a week or something he will have to do all the work/effort that in the past you would have done. Like you say he will prob be content with visits.

If you want to move states and it's in your best interests then you should be able to. If he blocks it I would have thought that a judge would let you if there is a good reason like health, family or work etc. You can't just be held hostage. Again I only know how it works in UK.

I dunno what else to say really. It's gonna be a difficult choice. I hope you find some sort of solution that you can work with.

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

I know I will regret it the longer I wait but I really don't know what to do.. I can definitely look into women's shelters and maybe research online but I know where I live, any type of financial help has long waiting lists and its not like its just handed to you.. My parents work 6 days a week, my grandparents aren't in good enough health to help out much either and my brother wouldn't be much help either.. thats about all the family I've got here.. and I wouldn't trust his family with the kids if my life depended on it -_- plus his parents place is FILTHY!! so no, family can't really help too much =/

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

Also none of my family really has room for us either, my parents are in a 1 room apartment, grandparents live in a trailer home in a senior community, and my brother's mother in law lives with them already so no one can really take us in.. I just want to be sure I have a place to go and a secure financial situation before taking the next step =/

 

[slg76]

where do you live now? Seems to me that if you are keeping the children then you should ask your husband to move out.

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

He wouldn't leave. He'd argue that he's the one paying the bills here and tell me to leave. Thats one more argument we don't need. We're locked into a lease and I know I wouldn't be able to afford this place on my own.

Our current financial situation isn't the best now anyway..he's not making much either, we cant even afford preschool.. which is why I say child support wouldn't be much.. but our needs are covered and we can afford to splurge a little from time to time but its not like we can afford daycare tuition for two kids.. I'd have to work at a day care or something to get a discount on child care but they still don't pay enough to cover the basic cost of living..

I'm still looking for what I can do as far as a job goes but no luck.. but as unhappy as I am here I really don't see a way to get out without me taking on 2 dead end jobs and never seeing my kids.. atleast here I can still spend time with my kids and they have a roof over their heads its pro and con right now..

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

I'm sitting here looking over our current budget and revising it a bit to see how much I would need to make it work on my own, keeping only necessary things and figuring in child care.. seeing how much I would need to make every month. Yet again..

I would need to work 70 hours minimum if I were collecting minimum wage.. and like I've mentioned before I've got hardly any experience and my degree is still in the works, it wont be done until next year at the soonest but its only an associates.. I really wouldn't be making much more until I get a bachelors degree.

I'm not using that as an excuse, I'm just saying that makes it REALLY hard to find something more than minimum wage.. and 70 hours away from my kids each week would kill me.. Obviously I want whats best for my kids and if it came down to it I would do whatever necessary but seeing as we aren't in any danger and my husband is alive and all I really don't think 70 hours away from my kids in order to barely be scraping by is the answer...

 

[daneuse27]

Sorry you're going through all this hun I'm with you, I could never be away from my daughter 70 hours per week.

Which country do you live in? It might help us with knowing what benefits or support there is for single moms in your area.

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

I live in the USA. I don't want to get too specific as there are people I know personally here and would like to keep this issue personal for now so don't want to give out too many identifying details.. I've looked but as I've said its mostly waiting lists..

 

[aidensxmomma]

First off

I left my husband in July 2012 and am a single mother to our two children. Im 22 and dont have a complete college education. Before leaving my ex, I was a stay-at-home mom. So when I left him, I essentially had nothing. I really feel for you hun and its a really sh*tty position to be in.

For benefits like insurance, food stamps, and child care, there shouldnt be a waiting list. You apply and the only waiting you should have to do is for them to approve it, which is usually a month or two. Theres often a waiting list for housing assistance, though. The length of the wait varies by counties. There are quite a few places out there that base your rent on your income, so that may be worth looking into. My ex and I couldnt even get on the waiting list for housing assistance (over 2 year wait!) but we were able to find an income-based apartment and got accepted a month or two later. It takes a little more digging to find those apartments, but its definitely worth looking into.

As for jobs, I know that factory/labor jobs actually pay pretty well. They definitely aren't glamorous jobs, but they pay decently and normally dont require advanced training or degrees. A few friends of mine have jobs like this and they work around 40 hours a week. A lot of the jobs aren't too labor-intensive either. I think minimum wage is like $7.25 right now and my friends in the factory jobs make anywhere from $12-16 an hour for entry level positions.

I'm in Wisconsin, so I know a lot of this will vary by state. But thats been my experience and what I've learned so far. I hope this helps some. Good luck.

 

[X_ThisIsMe_X]

We do have food stamps and medical already and seeing as I'm the policy holder thats probably the only thing I wouldnt have to wait for. I will look into factory jobs, I know theres a few places around me, thanks!

 

[Proserpina]

As the father of two children with you, your ex would owe roughly 35% of his net income in child support (it varies by state, but it's always a decent % of the net income). Even if he only makes $3000 per month, that's an extra $1050 per month for you and the kids. Might put you over that $3000 target you are shooting for.

I am in a similar boat. My job only pays $2877 gross per month, and child care (for an infant and a 7 year-old) is $1400 per month. Pretty ridiculous. My ex is currently making $37k/year net, and child support in Illinois for two kids is 35% of the net, so that will be an extra $1084 per month if he can keep up that rate (he is paid on commission).

I found a local transitional housing program for single mothers, run by a religious group. It offers subsidized two-bedroom apartments for only $455 per month for up to two years. I am going to try and apply to that. Maybe there is a similar program in your area?