Controlling mum - UPSET!!

[Mummy2b88]

I hope this is OK for me to post here, if not please put it in correct thread:



I wanted to approach you lovely ladies or gents for some, strength/ advice and encouragement as I am sure that I am not the only one who has experienced this and I just need somewhere to get this off my chest...

I am sorry and forgive me if the post is a bit too much or doesn't make much sense...


I am going to be a first time mum in August and of course both myself and my OH are super excited. However..... the issue I am having is my mum, she is controlling, even when I wasn't pregnant she is like this...but now that I am pregnant she is telling me what she will be buying for her grandchild.... that I don't mind but it's the way that she comes across, does doesn't ask, " is it okay if I buy x and y, she just states that she is going to buy it.

When it was first announced that we were expecting, she purposely felt the NEED to tell EVERYONE that she has known since Christmas, this I really do not understand why she feels the need to do this. I understand that she is excited but telling everyone that, for a split second I felt she made it about her, am I silly in thinking this? my OH seems to think that she is feeling she is searching for a purpose as she is controlling in other areas also.

Before I was pregnant she told me that I should get rid of 1 of my cats and she is concerned that he will attack the baby, I explained to her that my other cat who is female is just as likely to attack the baby ( I just think she doesn't like this particular cat and although we will never allow this to happen)

I think I need to get more of a back bone towards her, as she can manipulate me by crying, saying "I'm only trying to help" she doesn't like it when I say " we want to do it this / that way" her tone changes like she is offended, then the manipulation starts....she only does this when my OH isn't around as she knows that he doesn't take any of it, if he is around she will wait until he is not and then start. She knows that I can't say no easily and she plays on that.... it's hurtful.

She also stated that she is taking 2 weeks off around my due date, and we have to let her know as soon as I go into labour as she wants to be there in the waiting room, she lives about 2 hours drive away.... and she wants to come down for the first couple of days, to "bond" with the baby, Shouldn't it be me who should be bonding.... I mentioned something about it and again the crying started... she explained that she won't get in the way or interfere but I know her so well and I know fine well she will, I can already predict that if something doesn't go her way she will threaten to leave, and say something like " I'll go home if you don't want me here" as its happened in the past.


I feel awful for writing this and actually seeing in in black and white brings tears to my eyes, but although my OH is amazing at supporting me, I wanted to have a females or even a mans perspective on this, who is also experiencing it or already has.

 

[mummytobe_93]

I would honestly be up front with her now and set ground rules as it will only get worse, by experience.

You need to tell her calmly and sternly what you want to happen. Tell her you haven't got a problem with her seeing the baby but she isn't welfome for two weeks. This is yours and your partners baby, you will be recovering and you need to bond and to learn how to be a mum without anyone else influencing them on you.

It is a hard situation but she sounds a bit selfish and manipulative to be honest. I think you just need to be up front and strong.
She wi have a relationship with her grandchild. But that's exactly what she is a grandma, not his or hers mother. So she needs to leave that up to you!
Regarding her buying things, if you want her to great but if you would rather buy certain things and choose them yourself then be honest and say thank you for the offer but I would love to get that myself for my first ever child. Good luck and don't get upset about it. Soon it won't matter it's about you and your family and not what is right or best for her x

 

[Ahughes]

I'm going through some issues with my mom as well. She isn't controlling, but continues to make me feel like I'm stuck in the middle between her and my MIL. They are polar opposites, and to be honest, I get along better with my MIL. Whenever I do things with my husband's parents and my mom finds out she will call me and lecture me about how I am favoring them and that I am being a horrible daughter. I had to tell her that this type of behavior cannot continue once the baby is born because that stress is not healthy for me, my husband, or my newborn child.

I think that you just need to be up front with her and tell her that she will be able to come visit once you have settled in and gotten a routine down. My husband's grandmother wants to come stay for a week (she lives in a different state) but I told her that maybe after a few weeks she can stay. I don't want that extra stress of having to entertain a guest.

 

[Gwen77]

If she wants to buy you things, then tell her exactly what you want (i.e.: The pink crib from Walmart with the owls on it). Be specific so that you don't end up with random items from her.

And the thing with the cats is complete nonsense. My mother said the same thing, about getting rid of them. Cats are FINE with kids. In fact, they're more afraid of the kids than the kid is afraid of THEM! I have two cats and they adjusted just fine. The most they ever did with my son was sniff him, and lay down next to him. The moment baby flinched, the cat ran away.

Sounds like she REALLY wants to be involved. But you have to tell her that you need some privacy. It's more important that YOU bond with your baby than grandma. And if she really wants to visit the baby, then tell her to visit during hospital visiting hours. But once you go home, you'll need some time to adjust and figure things out FOR YOURSELF.

 

[mummytobe_93]

Oh also regarding the cats. I have to meanest cat in the world everyone hates her poor thing and she has never hurt my daughter even when she pulls her tail! X

 

[MrsC10]

This is all too familiar!

My mother is exactly the same. When she found out we were pregnant, she announced that she'd be looking after the LO when I went back to work and that she'd be doing this that and the other.
When we started telling everyone else, she was first in there to let everyone know that she found out first (and that we'd had a long road TTC).
She's bought LOADS of stuff without asking as well. My auntie has also offered money for us to get what we need and my mother has decided she'll spend it for us.
I get the same as you when I stand up to her; the guilt trip and the tears.
I'm in exactly the same position so glad to listen to everyone's advice on how to deal with this.
Hugs hun. I know exactly what you're going through and how you feel xx

 

[eppgirl]

My moms not doing this, but my SIL is. 😒
As soon as we told her I was pregnant again she told everyone she's gonna be staying with me when they're born to help out. Than when we found out they were twins, she said she's just gonna move in with us for a few months.
Yes because I soooo don't know how to take care of a newborn. Ugh. When I had DS, if he cried for 5 minutes (she lived above us) she would just let herself downstairs and try to take care of him, usually I'd be just waking up trying to get my boob out to feed him and shed waltz in and grab him. Pissed me off soooo bad.
My mother in law assumes she can buy whatever she wants and I tried to explain to her, while I appreciate some things, there are things we'd like to buy on our own. She got upset at me pretty much told me she'd buy whatever she wanted.

 

[Mummy2b88]

Thank-you all for your advice and support, I really appreciate everyone of you, I feel a little better now that I have it off my chest, it's always nice to know that I have someone to talk to on here. I just feel it's going to be a long and windy road, I don't understand how a mother, who has most likely experienced it herself, is doing this..... I also can't seem to comprehend why they think it is OK to assume that they can stay and buy things without our knowledge. They are technically taking away that moment where we do things for the first time, and we won't get that chance back... I hope when the time comes when she wishes to buy something ( she offered to buy the crib) that she will come to us and ask us what one we want and not just buy it and think it is OK!

I am sorry that you lovely ladies are also experiencing this. I sincerely hope that this time around, it isn't so bad.

 

[monro84]

My mom is not really controling it is more manipulating. She does the guilt trip thing and even gives me the you don't love me deal. When I had my son my husband called her and told her to come and she came and stayed in the hospital with me for those 2 days but she made it all about HER!! I actually told her really I am the one that just had a baby here!!! She was suppose to stay a few days and help but we got into a fight the day after we brought the baby home and she left. My dh and her really don't get along but it took me a while to see how she manipulates. Don't get me wrong I love her to death but she has learned that when she starts in that I am not going to listen to it and when she realizes what she just said sounded like she was telling me what to do she would call back and appoligize. However it did take me a while to get to the point where I did stand up to her cause I was always scared I would hurt her feelings but then I realized what about mine.

 

[hanni]

My MIL is like this.

When I was about 15 weeks I agreed to go shopping with her to look at prams. She went early and scoped them all out first, found the one she liked and got brochures about it and demonstrations on it! When me and my OH arrived she was like "I've found this one for you!" And we've stupidly ended up with that one.
We then had a look at cots and she declared "you don't need a cot he (my OH) went straight into a single bed and was fine" when I pointed out that these cots converted into toddler beds she argued that they didn't and when I showed her the cot bed label she got stroppy.

She went out and bought baby a potty and when I commented it was a bit soon as he wasn't even born yet she declared "he (my OH) was potty trained by the time he was one so this LO will be the same!"

she went out and bought loads of nappies.. which are being kept at her house for some reason despite the fact she's never going to babysit (personal reasons)

We were looking for a new sofa and we're a bit skint so we're buying second hand and she declared she "wasn't having HER baby on someone's second hand dirty couch and we HAD to buy new" when my OH replied that he wasn't her baby she replied "yes he is! If I hadn't of had you then yous wouldn't be having him so he is mine"
And I suppose if my old school friend hadn't gotten me a job at the same place he worked we'd have never have met and wouldn't be having him... so really he's hers as well?!

She went out and bought an expensive cream cot bumper and duvet despite the fact that I'd already told her we weren't using bumpers and his little nursery bit is going to be grey and Teal. I just smiled and thanked her. If she wants to waste money she can!

The list is endless! I totally understand how you feel.
I've chosen to pick my battles and if she wants to waste her money on things I've told her we don't want or need she can!

 

[MrsC10]

My mom is not really controling it is more manipulating. She does the guilt trip thing and even gives me the you don't love me deal.

I've had this too. Its very hurtful x

 

[Palladium]

Wow, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think everyone else has given you some good advice, but I just wanted to add a couple of things.

You definitely have to stand up to her and draw some boundaries. This is your child, and you and your partner get to make the decisions. You know she's manipulating you by crying and getting upset, don't let that sway you, you have to be firm. Make your decision, tell her how things are going to be, then stick to it.

Second, you absolutely do not have to tell her when you go in to labour if you don't want too! If I was you I wouldn't tell her until it was all over, and I definitely wouldn't let her have more than a brief visit for the first week or two. You'll need that time to recover and bond, she'll get her chance later.

Good luck!

 

[oneill614]

Wow, some of your mothers/MILs sound just terrible. Relationships with mothers are so complicated.

If they say things to stress you out I would remind them that stress is bad for the baby. One of my favorite things to do when people suggest things that I have no intention of doing is to say, "That's a great idea, I'll definitely think about that." Let her think that you're considering whatever she's recommending, and then just ignore it.

As for staying with you, I would tell her you won't have the room or energy to have people around in the house. You could even lie and tell her the doctor recommends not to have anyone around the baby. She can't argue with the doctor.

I can't believe she would cry to manipulate you. If someone did that to me, I would laugh. My mom knows I have no sympathy so she would never try that, lol. Not to be critical, but she acts the way she does because she knows you will let her have her way. If you stand up to her a few times and firmly shut her down, she may change her behavior.

 

[MamaLoCo]

Your mom is a big girl, she can handle it. If you know they're just crocodile tears, then tell her to suck it up and put her granny-panties on!
Gosh, reading all these stories is stressing me out!
Sometimes I feel like nobody cares about me but you all make my situation seem favorable.

I've never even met my MIL because she's so stuck in the consequences of her own actions and won't get a job long enough to afford to leave the husband she hates or move back near family. She tried to convince my husband to turn our garage (it's a shed, really...and we're renting) into a Mom's room and move her back to Texas & he totally blew her off. He'll always put me ahead of her and she has to know she went wrong somewhere for her son to not even hesitate to choose me over her if it ever came down to it.
My mom works for the government and crazy hours, lots of midnights...and also lives about 9-hour drive away so we don't get to communicate all that much but I won't complain about her buying stuff.

If someone else said they were going to come to my house for the first couple days after bringing baby home to BOND with MY baby....hahahahha get the hell out of here! I think I would seriously laugh it off like she's crazy, instead of getting offended and giving her the chance to start shedding tears. I mean, if she wanted to come to wash my clothes and dishes while I bonded with baby, fine. She's grandma, not mom and grandma needs to do not only what mom says, but also what dad says. She's not #1 and it's not her baby.

 

[MamaLoCo]

I also want to add that people who manipulate like that are not going to get better if you tell them that they're being hurtful - they'll just act innocent and it adds fuel to their fire because they know how to get to you. It's really inappropriate that a mother would get off on hurting her own child as a means to get what she wants.
I have a low tolerance for bullshit and if I know someone is actually TRYING to hurt me or take advantage of my good nature or control me, they learn very quickly that I've been the one making the CHOICE to let them have what they want and I can just as easily change my mind.

Sometimes, when my mom cries, I tell her to man up & get over it. I have to because otherwise, she'll just keep it up. I always got her emotional drama because my sister wouldn't put up with is...so when the good, nice, compassionate daughter told her to give it up, then she knew she was drawing it out too far. This is the same woman who, when I got hurt as a child, she'd tell me to walk it off. I believe in tough love and I'm tired of people being sissy little pansies all the time!. I'm a sensitive person too, so that coming from me is really saying something about how obnoxious it is for people to make things about them all the time. No pity parties!

If you plan to stand up for your child against bullies, you might want to start with the one who is bullying YOU

 

[Lirpa11]

I completely feel you! My mom is also controlling. She lives on the otherside of Australia at the moment, and I am moving from australia to georgia usa so will be even further away.

Honestly I'm glad. She would be the type to impose right after the birth and boss me around as to what I must to. I'm not doing this right, this should be done that way, when baby does this I must do that....so on and so on.

I think you need to be strong and stand your ground. Yes she is you mom. But this is YOUR baby.

It's hard but good luck. Perhaps even have DH say something like you want a week alone first for immediate family bonding?

 

[hope4babe]

When I was pregnant with DS and announced it to my family who lives in another continent, my father said "oh my god, I'm coming for the birth! I wanna be at the hospital smoking a cigar after the baby is born". This would mean they would be staying at our place for 10+ days right after baby was born. I was firm and said this was my first baby and the first weeks were the time for us to bond and for me and hubby to learn a lot by doing. and said that guests, even family guests, would be too much at that moment. He was extremely hurt and kept repeating "so, you really won't let me come? It's my first grandchild!" And I kept answering "sorry, I know this is not the perfect situation and I know it sucks I leave so far away and you won't get to see him first thing, but I need to be alone with my husband to experience this. It's my first child too". Some time later, he admitted he was very disappointed but also kind of proud of my maturity. So, there you go!

 

[Mummy2b88]

Wow some of those stories are quiet shocking to read. We are biding our time, we will say something, we are just waiting for the time when she will buy stuff and I hope she will talk to us first, if not then I will bring it up. My concern is that if we say we want specific stuff my other family members will most likely say that we are being ungrateful if we specify what we want for our baby. It's just all horrible :'(

 

[DSemcho]

Talk to your OH about this definitely because you will need his help putting your foot down. I'm having a similar issue with my mom - about not wanting her in the room or staying with me before baby is due, or even a while after. She stresses me out way to much to be okay with it. Also she's always sick - so I don't want her around the baby for a few weeks.

While I do agree you need to learn to stand up to her - you also need to remember that your OH is there to support you and this is a great way to do that. My husband has told me he will help me put my foot down to my mom. She is very manipulative also and I feel bad telling her to stop things or not to do things but she does them anyways. She puts EVERYTHING on facebook - she even stole all five of my ultrasound pics from my private group for family and put them on her FB even though I had only posted 2 or 3 to my personal FB. And she even posted recently that I had been told I'd never be able to carry a baby and that I've had several miscarriages. I was like whoa whoa whoa. She's always been able to twist us (me and my sister) and make us feel bad and feel wrong and immature, even when we are right.

 

[Mummy2b88]

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to give you an update and also extra advice. Due to developing Gestational Diabetes I am going to be induced in about 2 weeks time. Because my mum is traveling a couple of hours me and OH have decided to tell her the date of induction ( however the obstetrician advised that it might not be that day that I actually get called in as I have to call in the morning and every so often to make sure there is a bed free for me)

I told her that once we are at the hospital and once I am induced then and only then will we tell her about what stage I am in. And low and behold.... along came the water works!!!... Firstly she got mad saying don't bother telling me until he is born then! I'm like uhhh :S thinking back I kind of regret not saying anything then but because of things that happened in the past I crawl in my shell, it's always afterwards that I think of what I could have said. She then went on and made excuses about feeling left out and other personal problems, I think it's a way to get me to bite.

I explained to her that the midwife explained that there is no point in traveling down because it could be days before the inducement works if at all and when it works there is also the hours of labour! despite her not being allowed in the room ( due to hospital policy of one person being in the room with me) she still thinks that she is going to be useful to me, when she won't be.

I already explained to her aswell once our son is born noone will be seeing him for a couple of hours anyway and she said she understood...it doesn't make any sense. I feel it's due to to her wanting to be the first one to see him. I've been crying alot because of it.

Tomorrow is when I go visit my obstetrician for the date and I am not sure what to say to my mum I want to avoid the headbutting because it's stressing me out, my OH ( being Dutch) is very firm and tells it like it is he told me that he will be the one to call my mum at the time that he deems necessary ( a while after induction) the only thing that worries me is at some point afterwards she will find a way to get me on my own and have a go. When I think about it though I think I'll just tell her it's about us and not her.


So if you were in my situation regarding being induced would you make up a time? As she doesn't seem to be taking in what i've already advised. Or would you advise something else?

I am so sorry and please forgive me for ranting on but this helps me to get it off my chest by talking to you ladies.