Conundrum...

[dustbunny]

... even though the birth feels a long way off in reality I guess it is not.

As you ladies know I haven't heard from FOB since 26/12/2011 after I phoned him and he was disinterested. He hasn't contacted me since... he has never offered to pay towards anything to do with the baby, nor asked for rights to see the baby even though he initially said "I want to be a big part of the pregnancy and in baby's life" it would seem he got bored... if was actually interested at all to begin with... as it appears it was either I got back with him and everything would be ok or I would have to raise the child alone. And also as you know he has spent money left, right and centre on him and his mates, hasn't bothered to get a proper job nor accommodation. Whereas I have bought everything, got 3 jobs, cleared my overdraft, made myself financially secure and, without sounding big headed, feel really proud of myself for what I can provide for my daughter.

Also, with regards to his mother, she turned out to be one sneeky moo! First off saying whatever I told her was in confidence and then telling her son and then telling me to grow up and sending me a snide NY card reminding me the baby was also FOB's.

So.... in short... I don't know whether to tell him about when I go into labour. My reason for not wanting to is because I know he would make such a melodrama out of coming up, expecting to be in the room with me and then about a week later have a sulk because life isn't going his way and walk away. Then probably hear from him every so often to try and emotionally bully me. I really don't want that for LO at all and selfishly I dont want it either.

I don't know whether to tell him when LO is here or wait to see if he gets in contact with me. I just feel I have given him chance after chance on a plate for it to be thrown back in my face, for me to get emotionally abusive letters/messages and then silence when he decides to go in a sulk. Since we last spoke I feel so much happier and in such a better place and from his facebook he has been going out and living it up large.

I'm not looking for shitty replies or to cause controversy but I actually would appreciate constructive feedback as I know these sorts of threads can go way off base.

Thank you ladies

 

[teal]

If you're not comfortable with him knowing when you're in labour then I wouldn't tell him. Extra stress if the last thing you'll need

My ex cut all contact but I did try to email him once I'd had the baby but the email came back as undelivered so he cancelled his email address too and had left me with no other means to contact him.

It's entirely your decision but for me I felt that by trying to contact him to let him know I'd had the baby I'd done everything I could. I'm not saying that's the case for you if you feel it will cause too much upset/abuse if you try to contact him. As you sad you've given him plenty of chances.

I tried one last time to contact FOB a few months ago and I received nothing but abuse so wish I hadn't bothered.

You're all your little baby is going to need xx

 

[dustbunny]

If you're not comfortable with him knowing when you're in labour then I wouldn't tell him. Extra stress if the last thing you'll need

My ex cut all contact but I did try to email him once I'd had the baby but the email came back as undelivered so he cancelled his email address too and had left me with no other means to contact him.

It's entirely your decision but for me I felt that by trying to contact him to let him know I'd had the baby I'd done everything I could. I'm not saying that's the case for you if you feel it will cause too much upset/abuse if you try to contact him. As you sad you've given him plenty of chances.

I tried one last time to contact FOB a few months ago and I received nothing but abuse so wish I hadn't bothered.

You're all your little baby is going to need xx

Thank you for the reply. I was in 2 minds about writing the thread because I have seen how on others it has turned nasty but I wanted peoples opinions who have gone through such things.
I think I wait and see what the next 7 weeks brings, if he doesn't contact me asking when the baby is due [even though he knows! as does his mum!] then I think I will leave it.
I'm not planning on going through CSA as I figure if he doesn't want to be a part of the babys life then I'm not going to go asking for money etc.

edit: I just can not get over the fact that there is still a part of me which is trying to make him see sense or willing him to see sense... I don't know why and I really hate myself for it.

 

[teal]

I know what you mean about some threads going down hill. I think it's very easy for someone to say you should contact FOB but that's not always the right thing to do. I certainly can appreciate that a child deserves to have two parents but not at all costs.

You can't force someone to be involved and from my own experience I do feel that no father around at all is better than a father who just swans in and out when he feels like it. Lot's of broken promises can be so upsetting, especially for a young child.

I understand the wanting him to see sense. I felt like that too and I think it's because I just can't understand how someone can walk away from their child and get on with their own lives as though nothing happened. I don't think I'll ever understand it but it just shows how selfish people can be.

That was my same reasoning with child support. I didn't want anything from FOB if he couldn't even acknowledge his child.

When your baby arrives it will be all worth it and you will see just how much FOB is missing out on and when he regrets his decision it will be too late and he'll only have himself to blame.

Sending you lots of hugs xx

 

[BadassMom]

I think if he's going to cause you stress, and make the labor harder than it needs to be than you have every right not to want him there. It's not like he's earned that right by being there for you during the pregnancy, or provided anything for the baby.

 

[dustbunny]

I spoke about it with my mother too and she agrees, unless he makes some effort in the next few weeks... and by effort positive effort... not temper tantrums etc... then just leave him to it. Thanks again ladies