Convincing Hubby

[MummyJen]

My Hubby is American and we lived out there for 3 years before moving back to my native home of England for the last 3 years for my job. When I found out I was pregnant Hubby really wanted me to give birth in America so his family could be close. He has a huge close family so expecting them all to fly over is a bit much. However as it is my first child as well I really want to be near my family, I am the one in labour, so I convinced him that giving birth in England what we are going to do. However my cousin had a water birth a month ago and said it was amazing. I really want a water birth which Hubby is all cool about however I also want a home birth as I love our house. We brought the house in the area I grew up in and it was pretty run down when we first got it. We have added a floor, knocked down walls and given it such a make-over I love the place and I feel really calm and peaceful at home. Hubby though doesn't want to have a home birth as he is worried things might go wrong. He used the line let me have at least one say in the birth. So I am a bit stuck. I still have ages until we have to make a choice but I don't think Hubby is going to back down so easily. Anyone else had to really convice Hubby to have a home birth and any suggestions how?

 

[JenStar1976]

Are you booked to do the NCT course? It was while we were at this course that we both decided on a home birth as, for me, the reality of a hospital birth just didn't appeal to me at all! I know that millions of women give birth in hospitals, but I really didn't want to be part of a conveyor belt in my local busy hospital (although was obviously prepared to be transferred there in an emergency). The other part of the hospital experience that I wasn't happy about was the "visiting hours" for your partner! At my hospital, if your baby happened to be born at say 11pm, OH would have had to go home after an hour and not come back till the morning! I wanted OH there the whole time and this could only be guaranteed at home. We live 5 minutes away from our hospital, so transferring quickly wasn't an issue.

Birthing at home is as safe as birthing at hospital. Midwives are fully trained for resuscitation - whether at home or in a hospital, it's the same process. If you needed a c-section whilst you were in hospital, then it would take them at least 20 minutes to set up the theatre anyway - so as long as your transfer to a hospital isn't too long, you've got the same access to emergency treatment as any mother already in hospital. It really is a no-brainer if you think about it.

Have you discussed the possibility with your midwife yet? Perhaps having a professional speaking to your hubby could sway things too?

If you go to the sticky thread "homebirthers and hopefuls" there's loads of really useful links on the first post that you could get hubby to read through. xxxx

 

[wiiwidow]

Just saw this and had a thought, might be worth getting him to watch "Cherry had a baby" on BBC Iplayer as this had a real home birth in it which was very peaceful and even my OH was interested in it and he's quite anti home birth (we rent so I would feel less comfortable at home anyway). Or maybe get some blogs were people have had home births and ask him to read, just so he's making his mind up with all sides of the story as it were! Hope that helps x

 

[KandyKinz]

Some midwifery practices put together "homebirth books" that they lend out to their clients which consist of several journal articles and studies which look at the safety of homebirth so if your hubby is of the scientific mindset sometimes the stats can put them at ease as many people are not aware how safe homebirth can actually be when it is planned and attended by a trained care provider.

Another thing I've seen done in some larger midwifery clinics is they will sometimes put on a "homebirth night" where they will get together with interested clients and discuss not only the stats on homebirth research but they will discuss what you need for a homebirth, what to expect during the homebirth, what to expect after the homebirth (midwives are very good at cleaning up the mess and there tends not to be a mess.... to this day I still don't understand why obs feel the need to get blood everywhere????), as well as discuss potential obstetrical emergencies and how they would be handled at home vs how they would be handled in hospital. At that time they also tend to bring out their own birth bags and show of their resus equipment and anti-hemorrhagic drugs, etc. It's not really for the individuals who'd like to go through labour thinking nothing will ever go wrong but it can be very reassuring to know the skills and capabilities of the midwives in handling emergencies when you're terrified something will go wrong. Then they usually will top the night off with some homebirth clips and a guest speaker who has recently had a homebirth. Often they will also get the guest speaker to bring her partner with her to get their point of of view as well.

Ofcourse if your midwives don't offer a group homebirth session like that you could ofcourse ask the midwife to have a in depth discussion with your hubby about it on an individual basis.

 

[Pixxie]

I agree get him to watch 'cherry has a baby' that woman had such a beautiful home water birth!

Have you considered a birthing centre? Best of both worlds xxx

 

[KandyKinz]

another good movie is "the busines of being born" though it's a bit long... you may have to whip up some nauchos or his favorite snack or something to get him to sit through it if he's reluctant.. but it's quite interesting and thought provoking none the less....

 

[Sophist]

I did a combination of showing DH the stats and explaining why its important to me. Once he found out HB didn't mean HE was in charge of knowing what to do in an emergency, he's been fine with it, extremely supportive, and has even become angry at the medical model for obstetrics care here in the US, and a big natural birth advocate. Two of his nieces recently had traumatic hospital births leading to unnecessary C-sections so things just keep working out to where he's more and more supportive of our birth plan.

My hub did watch the Business of Being Born with Me. Really it wasn't our favorite for being convincing, they could have done such a better job...but we enjoyed watching the births and getting a "mental picture" of what HB can be like.

 

[MummyJen]

We aren't booked onto any courses yet as Hubby is away for work for a month starting next week I will sit him down and watch both of the programs you guys have said and hope it will change his mind. He is pretty dead set. We have spoken with our midwife and at the moment have requested a water birth at the hospital. The midwifes at our hospital don't do home births so it means we would have to go private. Not really helping out my corner!

 

[sam27]

my hubby wasnt keen either but i spoke to the mw with him and it was her that convinced him that it would be safe.

good luck i hope he comes round to the idea

 

[TattooedMama]

I did a combination of showing DH the stats and explaining why its important to me. Once he found out HB didn't mean HE was in charge of knowing what to do in an emergency, he's been fine with it, extremely supportive, and has even become angry at the medical model for obstetrics care here in the US, and a big natural birth advocate. Two of his nieces recently had traumatic hospital births leading to unnecessary C-sections so things just keep working out to where he's more and more supportive of our birth plan.

My hub did watch the Business of Being Born with Me. Really it wasn't our favorite for being convincing, they could have done such a better job...but we enjoyed watching the births and getting a "mental picture" of what HB can be like.

I had a similar experience with convinceing my hubby. The first time I mentioned it he was shocked and said we would talk about it when I did more research. I brought it up again for the next few days after spending all day online looking up statistics, stories, videos, etc. For about 2 days we talked about it and i would share with him what I had learned during the day. Like here in the U.S. about 1/3 of all pregnancies end in C-section, also that each medical intervention leads to another putting further stress on baby and myself. The worst being the all too popular medical practice of immediately clamping the cord after birth which is equivalent to baby hemmorhaging and can cause baby to lose up to 50% of their blood volume; clamping the cord before it is done pulsing also makes it more difficult for baby to breathe air for the first time since their oxygen from the placenta is cut off.

The more we looked at how safe it was and more comfortable/stress free to birth at home he was in on it. Within 2 days he was absolutely against me giving birth in a hospital and really furious at the way the Dr's & hospitals run everything. We are less than a mile from the hospital just in case. As long as you do your research and prepare yourselves for any possible problems it is completely safe to birth at home.

The more knowledge he gains on it, the better he will like the idea!!!

 

[lozzy21]

I told my OH that since it was me that was having to go through labour and have to push the baby out i will be doing it where i feel most comfortable.

The more comfortable and stress free mum is, baby will be happier and the easy the labour will be

 

[reiller]

There is a video you should get him to watcht "'cherry has a baby' "

However saying this you have already got the way on where you have the baby and that your hubbie is cool with the water birth is great, .If this is something you really want then push for it. However it is important to let your husband have a say in this too as it's his baby also..
Whatever you decide it should make both of you feel safe and confortable.

 

[lozzy21]

Yes its his baby but its not his body its coming out of.

 

[TattooedMama]

It is his baby too and while he may not be the one carrying him//her or giving birth he should still be included. Our men(or partners) love us and they want us and baby to be comfortable and safe. I think it's best to explain to them why we want what we do and why it is something we consider better and/or more safe.

They are not going to be unreasonable or unsympathetic to our needs or desires. While I may occasionally say "your not the one who's pregnant" to my hubby if I'm overemotional or playing around, it's not fair to completely disregard him. They are aware that they aren't the ones giving birth or even having to go through all the discomforts of pregnancy. My husband is grateful that I am able to carry his child and give birth. While I would say it is unfair for a partner to forbid you to do anything, I don't think that is the issue. I think things can be talked through and come to a common agreement. My hubby(like many others OH's) just wants me to be happy and talking through with him what I wanted got me complete and total support and agreement. If I would have come at him stating his opinions and feelings were irrelevant since he was not the one giving birth things would have undoubtedly turned badly very quickly.

Being honest about things and talking about them is the best way to go to me, more than likely you will still get what you want without having to hurt your OH's feelings and making them feel like they don't matter.

 

[sierra19]

ultimately its where you feel the most comfortable-that's the best for you and your baby, maybe he doesn't understand that-and that may be what needs to be expressed to him. also people tend to forget that people were having babies before there were hospitals, and everyday hundreds of babies are born at home just fine. hospitals are for sick people-preg mommas aren't sick, they're having a baby.

maybe there is a birthing center-a facility where there are midwifes, similar to a hospital, but specifically for birthing, and often they are staffed with midwifes and doulas.

how far are you from a hospital? that was a factor for my hubby-we were 10 min away if we followed speed limits, and 5 if we didn't.

i don't think that men sometimes really understand what kind of moment labor is until they are there and its a real personal and private moment-which can be hard in front of others, especially if there are going to try to call shots once they are there. and often that is the case with MIL's and sometimes mothers in general.

we live in the internet era-convince him that after the baby is born (months after) you guys will take a vacation and go visit the family, but in the mean time, you are having the baby there and you can video chat with them.

best wishes

 

[MummyJen]

See the nearest hospital is about 15mins and it is also not the hospital we are under if we have the baby in hospital. That hospital is about 20 mins away. If we had to drive it the traffic is nearly always bad and could take us an hour though (joys of living in London!) The closest hospital is really rubbish though and neither of us want to go there. I think it is going to be a hospital birth. Everything is going against the idea of being at home...

 

[lovejoy]

I had a similar problem with my guy feeling excluded because they don't get to chose an awful lot in terms of pregnancy and birth.His probably just scared that something will go wrong but doesn't realise midwives don't just come to your home with a bowel of hot water and towels anymore they are very well equipped when dealing with home birth. Get your midwife to talk to both of you about the benefits and risks of home birth, try and find friends that have been through it to talk to you both and watch "The business of being born"(on youtube)and "Cherry has a baby"(BBC Iplayer). If all else fails maybe you can comprise and have the baby in a birthcentre?