Coping loss with hope for future?

[kerri28]

This is all very raw... Hannah's heart stopped at 26 weeks, just 3 weeks ago. I had to go through the delivery, we chose to hold her we have a memory box from the hospital... And guess what else... NO ANSWERS Yale has preformed every single possible test on me and the fluids, placenta all the tests possible and like they warned us there is no medical reason why Hannah had to go. With that said..... And I can't believe in speaking about this, though our counselor said it's okay to feel .....

What happens now that we have no answers but we still want to try in the future ? We have an appointment for a consultation with the maternal fetal high risk team to go over the reaults and discuss the future care I would need. Can anyway relate to this? No reason for a loss and go on to have a baby? How long do we give my body time to recover? I should add this was our 5th pregnancy.... I know we will have a great team working with us but what about this inbetween time? I feel guilty even talking about this but it's all I have.. Hope and a fully done nursery with Hannah in an urn is all We have ....

 

[JoolsH]

My son was stillborn at 30 wks with no known cause. That is supposidly good as far as future pregnancies are concerned. We waited 8 months before ttc as we had other children to consider and wanted to allow time to grieve as a family. Sadly I have a history of recurrent miscarriage so we were 4 years before our rainbow arrived. I would say while waiting concentrate on healing physically and emotionally. Do what you can to get into good health for a new pregnancy. Try to find new things you can enjoy- for me that was painting n crafts. Try to put little pleasures back I your life and rebuild it- even if it just a walk or going out for coffee. Anything you can manage when your life has been turned upside down and shaken round. Speak to health care providers about future pregnancies and care. Research the what care other parents requested for their rainbows. I tried to see it as a time of healing and preparation. Sorry if I am rambling. X

 

[kerri28]

I'm sorry for your loss as well. I'm trying to see this as a time to heal and prepare, though I feel like I'm just trying to get past it all by focusing on when we get to TTC again. Every waking moment of every day feels like something triggers me. I need to get through those triggers before considering ttc again. Dh doesn't spend his day in tears at a drop of a hat so it's hard for me to hear him say get up and take a walk or eat. I just don't feel like the same person. I went away for the weekend with a friend and was awesome because nothing reminded me as I felt like I was out of my own life but now it's Monday morning and the tears don't stop.

 

[JoolsH]

Someone once said to me , you need to grieve well. That's is, allow yourself to grieve and accept that it will be a painful journey. If you don't it will come back in the future, when you least expect it. I Remember doing some lovely things but feeling devastated that they were things I could do because I didn't have my baby there. The first 6 months were horrific a lot of the time, then normal routines and life crept back in and it was painful but bearable. I had a very bad patch around his birthday made much worse by a m/c and could barely function. Everyday life is like climbing a mountain. I used to hide behind shelves in the shop to avoid people! However it did help to plan very small goals into each day just to keep me moving forward. - a trusted friend coming round for coffee, a walk just to the post box, a bit of gardening. Just little things to get me looking outwards and give my mind a break. You will know when you are ready to ttc. It is a difficult journey no matter how long you wait. I couldn't have
coped straight away despite the overwelming longing to hold a baby. Others are pregnant within a month or 2. Life does get easier but it is a bumpy journey, with lots of mountains and valleys- highs and lows.Allow yourself to feel how you do. Know it is normal and part of healing . Dont try fight it, but try do something normal evryday thingstoo. My rainbow is my absolute joy. We all adore him x

 

[kerri28]

I had my gym membership froze during the pregnancy because of a SCH at 6 weeks and I was super worried. So I just unfroze the account and hope to get some anger out through exercise while getting some pounds off. Even before pregnancy I carried a lot of water weight so I want to get pounds down to less than what I started last time though my weight wasn't a huge issue. I was 208 before pregnancy and was 223 when I lost her though I didn't gain anything but 2 pounds the whole second trimester. I feel like the only things I want to do are "getting pregnant again" related activities. Like I have no appetite but if I'm told to eat so I stay healthy for trying again then I will force myself to eat. That's the depression making me no want food. The anger is making me want to work out till everything hurts. This turning into a long painful part of my life... I like my counselor but her schedule is whacky... The grievance support group only meets local once a month... I need a positive mind set soon.

 

[Leliana]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My best friend lost her baby boy at 26 weeks on the dot. The circumstances were very similar - no known cause of death, kicking one minute and so sadly no heartbeat the next. I remember that focusing on her next pregnancy was something that helped her grieve. As she is in a same sex partnership, she underwent IVF so whilst she wasn't given a certain amount of 'time' for her body to recover, naturally the process took longer simply due to when her clinic could fit her in. She was told her body was perfectly healthy and it wasn't a problem on her part. They still do not know why he passed away. I do remember that she took her maternity leave as planned, as a loss in the UK after 24 weeks is considered a stillbirth and thus, you are still entitled to leave. I think that helped her cope. The wonderful news is that her IVF attempt was successful and she went on to have identical twin boys a year ago. They are gorgeous, happy children and I know having them in her life has helped immensely with coping with the loss of her baby.

I just want you to know, I am thinking of you. Please don't be frightened of grieving and giving yourself time but likewise, it is also okay to focus on the future xxx Sending so much love