Cross-posted - how to tell friends without children?

[mirm]

I posted this on first tri board too, but I'm guessing this may be an issue that more of us here have come across? I'm 35 and have only lurked here before, so hi

One of my best friends desperately wants to be a mother but is single, 42, and due to an accident years ago may not be able to even carry a baby to term. Over the last 5ish years she's become more obsessed and bitter (sad but true) about it. She was livid for weeks after her sister suggested sperm donors for example.

I'm so scared of telling her our good news. Our 12 wk scan is on Tuesday and we're planning on telling everyone then but I really don't know how to broach it with her.

Another friend of hers became pregnant 18 mths ago and I had many conversations with her in tears about how she wanted kids. The other friend ended up having twins and I don't think my friend has spoken to her since.

I know she'll be just as upset if she feels we haven't told her. Any advice or suggestions would be really gratefully received

 

[Torontogal]

First of all, welcome to the board! I am turning 37 in two weeks and expecting my first next month. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Secondly, I hear you. Infertility has been an epidemic amongst my friends and family. Once close girlfriend, one close friend of the family, and one cousin have all struggled with fertility issues and the prognosis isn't good for them. An additional friend struggled through 9 years of fertility problems and was finally successful through IVF (due with a single baby two weeks before I am) but those nine years sure had an impact on them.

I have struggled with how to tell these first three and you know what? I just told them straight out and they all have dealt, so far anyway. I strongly recommend:

- treat them like the adults they are and let them hear it from you first. Don't let them hear it through the grapevine, facebook, email or what have you. Give the news in person or on the phone if you are a very long distance.

- Watch your timing, don't do it right before they have to go out or go to work or something. I heard from the family friend's sister that she cried the evening she heard the news - give people time to be upset if they have to be.

- Don't condescend - don't try to hide the pregnancy. However, don't rub in in people's faces either. Don't put pregnancy-related updates on your facebook, for instance.

- Include them but don't force the inclusion. For example I invited both the cousin and the friends to my shower but didn't press them to come. One friend and the cousin came and it was fine - the other friend did not RSVP, did not acknowledge the invitation, and just never mentioned it. Maybe it was just too much and I didn't press.

- Don't complain about pregnancy-related discomforts to these people. If you want to bitch about how much you miss beer, for example, commiserate with another mom, mom to be, or happily child-free person.

- Listen to her. If there is anything practical you can offer, offer it. For example, one of the friends might have hope if they did IVF. I offered to connect her to the successful IVF friend to pick her brain about her experience and their clinic, etc. She declined (I get the vibe that the problem is hubby doesn't want to do IVF) but she told me she appreciated the offer.

- Last but not least... read the TTC/LTTTC threads and learn about what NOT to say to people with fertility problems. I think everyone should do this!

Those are all my tips... I hope it ends up being OK. If you've gotten to 35 you must know that the friendship may or may not not survive (this is true of all friendships) but at least you can do your best to give it the very best shot. I hope it works out...

I know how tough it is to be the fertile one when people around you are not. You feel guilty and wish there was more that you could do. And you can't, and that sucks.

 

[Nat0619]

Hi

Firstly welcome to the Over 35 section

Secondly, it is very nice to see how much you are taking this into account with your friend

I don't have any more advice to give than what Torontogal has said - all that seems pretty spot on to me I cannot say that I know exactly how your friend feels but I remember only too well the two years we were trying to get pregnant the first time (unfortunately then had a mc before this pregnancy but thankfully fell pregnant very quickly again and am now nearly 34 weeks ) I really did think there was something wrong and we fell pregnant the first time the month we had started tests at the docs I have no idea why it took so long to fall the first time but I credit acupuncture in 'putting something right' in me as I had just had a few sessions of that and had more following the mc.

During our time TTC several of my good friends got pregnant and had babies and I found it extremely hard. There really is no worse feeling than wanting a child so badly and worrying it will never happen and seeing it happen so easily for others. So it is very important to understand that your friend will be very, very jealous and may find it very hard to deal with. But all you can do is your best and hopefully your friendship will be fine.

Good luck and good luck for the rest of your pregnancy x

 

[mirm]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. I really do hope that our friendship can survive, but I agree that this is probably something that (whatever I do or say) is out of my hands...

Thank you so much for your advice and for the welcome

 

[Sunshine12]

I think it all depends on the person TBH. I told 2 of my friends at the same time. The first being one of my best friends who has had 3 failed attempts at artificial insemination and 2 IVF fails. She was over the moon for me and said that just because she couldnt have any didnt meant that she would wish it on anyone else. I have been very sensitive about the whole thing but it hasnt affected our friendship in the slightest which is such a relief as she means the world to me and I was worried about telling her.

My other friend who I know through work and havent known for nowhere near as long hasnt really spoken to me since. I think everyone deals with it in their own way and you dont know how that will be until you tell them. x

 

[spikey doodle]

Hi Torontogal, some great advice!!

I especially can imagine how awful the example below must be! Talk about having air between your ears!

- Don't complain about pregnancy-related discomforts to these people. If you want to bitch about how much you miss beer, for example, commiserate with another mom, mom to be, or happily child-free person.

I have been wondering how to approach the subject with some of my friends, who have been really struggling.

Especially because I wasn't that fussed about having a kid. DH and I both decided that if happened, great! And if didn't, that was ok too. It's a bit like lottery winners, yunno?

 

[Torontogal]

Hi Torontogal, some great advice!!

I especially can imagine how awful the example below must be! Talk about having air between your ears!

- Don't complain about pregnancy-related discomforts to these people. If you want to bitch about how much you miss beer, for example, commiserate with another mom, mom to be, or happily child-free person.

I have been wondering how to approach the subject with some of my friends, who have been really struggling.

Especially because I wasn't that fussed about having a kid. DH and I both decided that if happened, great! And if didn't, that was ok too. It's a bit like lottery winners, yunno?

It is like the lotto, that's why it's so unfair!! And sorry if I was being Captain Obvious with the above example (I was on a roll).

I really, really wanted a kid and actually other people's fertility issues scared us into trying a little earlier than we would have otherwise. It would have been nice to have a few years of being just married first (we just got married in May 2011) but we didn't want to risk it after all I'd seen, and I was 36 already.

 

[ame704]

Hey, what ended up happening?

 

[SabrinaKat]

I was in both positions (mc and then, two years trying) and then, the month (or next) we were going to start IVF, I got pregnant naturally (LO arrived last month)...

I think Torontogirl's advice is very good, but also wanted to emphasise her point about telling your friend, especially away from other people (but do tell her in person/by phone); when I was trying, it was hard to hear from other people that somebody else was pregnant and when I finally got lucky, I made sure to tell one or two friends who were trying/considering IVF, etc., in person --

I was also really lucky -- I only have a few students and family members on my facebook account, so everybody knew about my mc, struggles, etc., so when I posted at 12wks, I pm'ed a few people beforehand to let them know, etc...if that makes sense.

best wishes