Daddy putting baby to bed....

[jessmke]

I recently started a thread asking about how to strengthen daddy's bond with baby. I realized that although my hubby spends a lot of time with our DD, he has never once put her to bed. So tonight I pumped a bottle of milk and daddy did her bedtime routine and is putting her to bed. She has been crying THE ENTIRE TIME. And refusing to take the bottle (she is breastfed but gets the occasional bottle of pumped milk). I am having a really hard time with this. Bedtime is supposed to be relaxing and happy. I can put baby to bed without a single tear. Do we just persevere and hope she gets used to this or do I step in and do bedtime myself? I went in to ask if he wanted me to take over and he told me to leave because my being there was making it worse. What do we do?

 

[Larkspur]

My babies were both like this. We tried for a couple of weeks and eventually decided the drama was not worth it as they would settle quite fast for me, but would cry till exhausted with daddy. Perhaps my OH just didn't have "the touch" or my babies were just clingy, or perhaps it's just normal for breastfed babies to prefer mum.

Your baby is still tiny. I personally would not stress her out by trying to make her accept something she doesn't want.

My OH can settle both kids just fine now, but it took till they were both 18m+ before they were just as happy with him. He has a great relationship with them both, but often mum is just the preferred parent. It doesn't always (or even usually) work out equal.

 

[jessmke]

My babies were both like this. We tried for a couple of weeks and eventually decided the drama was not worth it as they would settle quite fast for me, but would cry till exhausted with daddy. Perhaps my OH just didn't have "the touch" or my babies were just clingy, or perhaps it's just normal for breastfed babies to prefer mum.

Your baby is still tiny. I personally would not stress her out by trying to make her accept something she doesn't want.

My OH can settle both kids just fine now, but it took till they were both 18m+ before they were just as happy with him. He has a great relationship with them both, but often mum is just the preferred parent. It doesn't always (or even usually) work out equal.

Yes I agree, it isn't worth the drama and stress on DD. After trying for almost an hour to put her to bed he came and got me. I took over and she was asleep in less than 5 minutes. We decided that he can do her bath and read stories, but I will continue to do the bedtime feed and put her down for the night. Poor girl was so distressed, and poor daddy felt like a failure. He can put her down for a nap no problem (I don't nurse her to sleep for naps unless she actually needs a feed) but I guess for her bedtime is different and requires mommy.

 

[Button#]

I think it's normal. They get comfort from being on the breast as well as the milk so having a bottle when they're used to being BF isn't the same. My OH couldn't put DS to bed until he dropped his bedtime feed. I know it's hard for dads sometimes but he mustn't take it personally. There will be things that only daddy will be allowed to do, bath time is a good one. When she's older if will all change, there will be phases where mummy is the be all and end all and ones where you barely get a look in. Something my OH started doing with DS when he was about 6 months old was running. He bought a running buggy and started taking him to parkrun (a 5k run every Saturday morning, they have them all over the country) and they still do that now and he's 4. I used to feed him then they'd go out for an hour and a half. Could your OH do something similar at the weekend? It also gives you some time for yourself.

 

[MindUtopia]

I probably would start by getting him to do bits of it, but not to the point of her being distressed. Is it possible for him to do bathtime and get her dressed, do a bit of massage, and then pass her to you to feed and settle to bed? I would personally do that for a few weeks and let her get used to the process. If she was used to having a bottle all the time, I would say let him keep at it, but I think that's a lot of disruption all at once and it won't help either of them to make it stressful. Once she gets used to that, it will likely eventually get easier for her to be happy to take a bottle and settle to sleep with him. Eventually, yes, it might help for you to just take yourself out for dinner with a friend and let him find his own way (which he will), but I would work up to it. Alternatively, you might try having him get up with her in the morning and offer her first feed in a bottle and have some cuddles (giving you a chance to rest), if you are comfortable enough and don't need to feed straight away in the morning.

 

[jessmke]

Our trouble is that hubby does shift work, 5 days on and 5 days off (12 hr shifts). On his 5 on, he works two day shifts then three night shifts, so he often isn't home when DD is going to bed at night and getting up in the morning. This makes it challenging for him to regularly be involved in bedtime. I think we will start with him doing her bath on the nights when he is home, and then build from there.

I am the runner in the family so hubby wouldn't take her jogging, but DD does love the water so maybe hubby can try taking her to the pool once a week. There is a daddy/baby group in a nearby town on Saturday mornings, but honestly I don't think hubby would be very into that! When we go hiking/walking/shopping etc I usually wear DD in the ergo (because I like the extra exercise of carrying her!) but maybe now I will let daddy have a turn at wearing her.

 

[Button#]

Swimming and baby wearing are perfect bonding activities for him. I would encourage both. Also at the age she is now she isn't going to have much of a preference so can tag along to a fair few things. I don't know your OH's interests but if he can and wants to maybe find a way to include her.

 

[Sqwidge]

another thought is could he be in the room whilst you're feeding and settling to bed? Then she'll be used to his presence at that time...

 

[noon_child]

Babies are designed to create one primary attachment when they are very young. It takes time to create those secondary attachments. I think bed time is a hard time for anyone let alone someone who baby doesn't yet feel fully attached to. I think your OH needs to spend time building a bond so that LO feels safe, and so that he trusts his instincts and develops his own soothing techniques BEFORE you try a stressful event like bedtime.

An important thing to consider when getting LO used to OH is to allow him to bring LO to you when she's distressed - she needs to trust that Daddy will find you - rather than you sweep in and take her from him, as this can make babies feel like they were "rescued" by Mum rather than that Dad knew to take them to Mum.

 

[Amalee]

That's how it was for us as well when my son was still very young. Sometime in the second half of the first year, I'm really not sure when, my son started needing to actually be "put to bed" rather than him nursing and then just drifting off to sleep shortly after I put him down. At that point, my husband was able to come in the picture and be part of our night-time routine.

And for the record, now my son is 20 months and prefers my husband at night. He always wants to sit with DH to read a story instead of me! It's just tough for them when they are still so tiny and reliant on mommy