Dealing with your own Mum...

[hapi2bhealthy]

I have a high needs baby. She's not a great sleeper and has had feeding problems which made her very high needs from the start.

Before we figured out what her little problems were, she cried a lot and never wanted to be away from me. I instinctively did not put her down much, and copped a lot of crap from my own mum who believes in CC very firmly for like every baby. She is very pushy about it with me and because I didn't listen to her to start with, she has distanced herself from me since I had DD, which hurts because we were close before her birth.

I am parenting quite differently to how she parented. I wear my baby a lot due to her fussiness. I like to co-sleep sometimes, and I have TRIED CIO (ended up doing it unintentionally after feeling frustrated with her) but it's just hurting my heart too much to continue for now at her age.

I know that if I leave my daughter with my mum she will leave her to cry for too long. I also can't talk about anything to do with parenting with my mum because she thinks I'm doing everything wrong.

All this has really hurt my heart. I feel torn between needing my own mum's support, and following my own mothering instincts. It's created a lot of anxiety for me: someone who rarely got bothered by ANYTHING before having DD.

Does anyone else go through this and have any tips on just moving on? I need to somehow realise that my own mum isn't always right and that it's MY child...yet, my mum has made me FEEL like everything I am doing is wrong. I am so lost I don't even know what my child needs anymore because I have too many people telling me to do it this way or that way and that I'm creating "bad habits" or a "rod for my own back" if I don't. It's created a huge divide between my own mum and I, and she's visited us a whole 2 times since DD was born. I needed her non judgmental support for the first few weeks and I got nothing.

 

[Bex84]

First off it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job, even the information on cc is that it shouldent be used before 6 months as it can muck up the connections been made in the brain and raise cortozone levels. My mum and mil have both tried the i know better routine. I do what works with my lo and they say less and less as i have a happy lo who proved them wrong. I co slept and still do sometimes but when my lo was ready she went in to cot fine. My lo is always cuddled whenever she wants and has healthy attachment so is confident to be for indipendent. Your mum should ve following what works for your lo. I have never used cc, my daughter had collic up to 4 months and needed the comfort which is what crying is, the only way they can ask. To be honest i have to say with my relatives saying stuff did not work it was prooving them wrong. You know whats best for your child. I hope it works out both sets of parents have said with us how we have done so well with my lo and my mil is constantly asking why im not stressed out as with both my dh and bil at my los age she was screaming and shouting at them and i never raise my voice lol. Follow your instincts you are doing great.my lo still loves going in the carrier and enjoy hugs while your lo still wants them

 

[aliss]

Aw I'm sorry

I was also a high needs baby with colic, so I am blessed that I can talk to my mother about it. I can't imagine some of you whose mothers think to leave the baby to cry fixes it (can you imagine how easy life would be if that was the simple solution!??).

Did you ask her that you want a relationship with her but you are hurt by her spoiling comments?

 

[leahtaba]

Oh hun i am sorry you are going through this. Your mum is being very selfish. The only solution i can think of is to be open and honest. Tell her how much you need her support but you need to do things the way you see fit like she did with her children. You are mummy now. If you reach out to her and she still carries on being spiteful then i dont really see what you can do. Shes spiting herself by missing out on her grandchild. Hope she sees sence ans you get the support you deserve x

 

[BUGaBOO]

My Mum let me CIO when I was a baby. I have spoken to Mum's younger sisters (two of them are only 10 & 12 years older than me) and they told me THEY used to cry because they were so distressed by MY crying as a baby. Mum woud snap and tell them to just ignore me
that really breaks me heart - how could she do that? Is that why I suffer anxiety, depression and low self confidence now? Who knows.....??

She also believes babys can manipulate and be spoilt from the word go.
Whenever I pick Isla up when she's upset, she scoffs at me and tells me that she'll come to expect it all the time. I actually worry about leaving her with Mum because I suspect she might leave her to cry.......
Mum criticises co-sleeping but I've had her in our bed since the beginning. To be honest, even I scoffed at co-sleeping before I had my baby but it's different now....we all sleep better with Isla in the bed. The only downside is hubby and I have only had sex once since her birth nearly 12 weeks ago but I'm sure that will work itself out in time........

 

[aliss]

~All you can do is break the cycle I should give out my mom's email to all LOL, she can be a substitute grandma who understands

 

[BrandyBestPal]

This sounds an awful lot like my parents. My dad tells me all the time - just close the door and let her cry as long as she's been fed and changed.
I disagree with that method so I always scoop her up.
My parents also don't understand why I won't give her a pacifier and why she sleeps in my room.
That being said, I was worried about my parents not doing what I asked when LO is alone with them, and I was pleasantly surprised. I was showering and I knew LO was going to cry but I had to shower and my mum scooped her up right away, without hesitation.
My mum has even said that she is way more careful and cautious with her grandkids than she ever was with us.
Even though your mum may not agree with your parenting style, she may surprise you after all and follow your wishes if you were to leave your little one with her!

 

[Siuan]

What if, in the future, your now grown up LO decides to do something you disagree with, with her child? Say she/he decides that CIO is the best thing for their child, they won't change that opinion no matter how much you say about it?

Your Mum believes in what she's saying, its what she chose to do as a parent and it worked for her. What you're doing is alien and strange to her and although she's perhaps not chosen the best way to show it, that is her feeling.

That's not to say that I don't sympathise with you. It would be nice to have her support etc. But just throwing a different viewpoint out there...

 

[Indigo77]

I could have written this post not too long ago...

You have to follow your own instincts & gain your own confidence as a mother & if your mother interferes with this, then she simply isn't being supportive.

I know it would be nice to have her support, but you CAN do this on your own & it's very important that you find your own way.

If your mother decides she will not be as involved as she'd like because she isn't getting her way, then it's her choice & her loss.