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[Ceejay123]

I think you should talk to him - Ask him what he wants, away from his parents. You should definitely apply for Child Support... He should be contributing in that way. You sound like you're doing everything right, but you need to push him... It can't get to the point in 3-4 years where he realises all of a sudden he can't do it, and then your LO asks where Daddy is. He needs to man up or walk away now! x

 

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[dustbunny]

I have a 7 week old daughter.
I was with FOB for 2 years.
We had a good relationship, although he was emotionally abusive, controlling and he was really rough with me. Everyone thought we had the perfect relationship though (including my parents)

Anyway, FOB and his family made my pregnancy hell. They never contributed to baby things or supported me, just kept telling me to get the A word and bullying me. But they are manipulative, so from the outside they look caring.

Since my daughters been born, it hasn't got any better. I offer FOB to come to visit my daughter once a week for four hours, yet he only stays for 30 mins to a hour. In that time he plays on his phone, clock watches and doesn't interact with her. Occasionally he will ask to hold her for 5 minutes. His parents have only saw her twice, and left after 30 mins each time. FOB or his family didn't buy her anything for Christmas, they didn't even come on Christmas day. I get no money towards looking after my daughter (although FOB doesn't work)

He only comes to visit because his parents are making him, it's obvious he's bored when he's here and has no interest in my daughter. His parents have no interest in her either, I think they only come to look good to there family.

I've spoken to the MW, HV and doctor about it and they said it sounds like he wants to just walk away but his parents aren't letting him. And as he's making no effort now, they won't ever take me to court. I spoke to a solicitor before she was born and she said fathers get chance after chance at court.

I want them to make there minds up. Either be fully involved in my daughters life or walk away. It's wrong this middle ground. And he wants to take her to his house in three weeks :l his behaviours so contradictory and confusing. He's not on the birth certificate.

What do I do? I'm considering moving away to cut all ties, because it's killing me seeing them have no bond with her, messing her about and I know she's too young to realise, but it's wrong.

Please help?

I am in the same damn boat. One minute FOB ignores me and doesn't bother, next he is sending me letters etc blaming me for everything and not including him. End up feeling sorry for him and have people telling me to give him a chance. Then I phone to try and sort it out and he isnt bothered. Hasn't contributed anything at all, says I can't ask about money and his mother sent me a snide New Years card reminding me he is the father, as if I can forget! And then its the whole, what do you do now?, scenario. You could try speaking to him but if he is anything like my LO FOB then that is a case of in one ear out the other, leaves it a month and then manipulates the situation/emotionally bullies. There comes a point when enough is enough and you have to carry on with your life and what is best for LO. I know my comment is not much help but wanted to let you know you're not alone and if you ever want to talk/rant then you can message me.

 

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[dustbunny]

Thankyou it does help to know that someone is in the same boat as me. I'm sorry you are though

I am trying to continue with my life and do what's best for my daughter.

If he continues though, as my daughter gets older and more aware, then I'm moving away, she's not being put through having a crap dad.

IMO, it's be a good dad or no dad. There's no middle ground. FOB and his family have done too much damage to me and said some sickening things about her already.

Do you ever feel guilty? I sometimes look at her and feel horrible that her dad and his family are so horrible and don't care about her, I feel like I should be doing more and that I should of provided her with a better dad.

I used to feel really guilty as I wanted to include FOB and kept getting knocked back and it blamed on me and whatever I did was twisted and excuses were built [from him not me] as to why he didn't do anything. But there comes a breaking point where you just don't care anymore and I have reached mine. I just think now I am doing my best for my LO and he can go to hell. We are all guilty of sleeping with the wrong men but none of us held them at gun point to do it and none of them were holding the hands of their mothers [or who else steps up to give their unwanted opinion about a circumstance they were never involved with!].

 

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[dustbunny]

Yeah true
I'm like you, I think I've reached that point too, where you stop caring. I know that I've done all I can to include him in her life and I've been doing the best for my daughter.

Your right, they are willing participants in the 'fun' but clearly can't handle the consequences. All we've done is sleep with the wrong men, but at least were stepping upto our responsibilities.

She has me (and I'm trying to be the best mum I can be) and she has my family who are great. She doesn't need a useless dad, who will only hurt her in the long run.

Thankyou, you've made me feel alot better and less guilty.

You're already being a good mum by questioning the situation instead of meandering through with your head in the clouds. No question about it, you'll continue to be a great mum once LO is here.

 

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[dustbunny]

Thankyou and my daughters already here, she's nearly 2 months old lol

Haha! Sorry! Typed that early in the morning with minimal sleep! Awww, can not wait till my LO gets here.

 

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[dustbunny]

Lol it's fine is your FOB involved with the pregnancy or not?

If it's any help (as our FOBs sound similar) when I was pregnant, once we had split up and it got nastier, I didn't have any proper contact with him. He occasionally text me and then sent me a demanding letter a day before my due date. He didn't buy anything for my daughter, and hasn't supported me financially since she's born. But I never texted him, I didn't tell him I'd had my daughter until two days after (he would of kicked off), he wasn't at the hospital or birth, he isn't on the birth certificate and I picked her name. Tbh it's been the best things I've done, otherwise he would of made me so stressed and he would of had a hold on me. So I'd suggest you do something similar, because you really don't need the stress

Nope, he was marginally interested... and i use the term lightly... to begin with. As in he sent me a text telling me how exciting week 13 would be and when I informed him how nice it was to be week 15 he told me he was going by the date I had told him. Haha! He has been quite nasty, as in bottom line being I either get back with him and he'll be nice or I accept that it is me who has brought everything upon myself and so be it, summing up his words. He sent a random letter blaming me for everything [not going to scans etc] and I gave him the chance and phoned about a truce, never got back to me about baby things or asking about how baby is doing. Wished me a happy new year and still didnt ask about baby... he is more excited on FB about NBA and olympics! I was going to invite him to the hospital but not now, nor will he be on the birth certificate at the moment and as he wont tell me the names he had picked out then I will pick the name... really like Gretel!

I think we should put both our FOB's in a boat and push them out to sea! Haha!

 

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[Lemonflower]

FOB left me at 13 weeks and has had no contact with me since my 21 week scan. He has also screwed me out of money, stole from me and not contributed a penny towards the baby.
Like you Crumbs him and his family appear to be caring whereas in fact they are really manipulating nasty people who has it in their heads that with all their money they can "raise and provide" for my baby better. LOL !
They are circulating lies that I am mental - I think the latest one is that i'm scizophrenic - before that I was a raging Bulimic as that is what they think my morning sickness was!!! These accusations terrified me to start with, I mean how do you prove that you are not insane!!??? I will just offer my GP records in court and they will see that I am all well if that happens - not they would take a baby off an ill mother anyway deluded fools !!

FOB will not be on the BC. This is because he has asked me 5 times whether the baby is his (he's the one who's cheated in the past not me). He said it to be spiteful and cause me more pain.
He will get on the BC eventually. Him and his family will get a DNA test (they insisted on getting one at 13 weeks even though my baby is planned and I was back and forth to the doctors with fertility issues!!). With all of this and everything else they have done I don't see why I should make it easy for them.
FOB will be offered weekly access supervised with my mother - I will never be present.
His family will not see my son in the first few months. Once he gets his unsupervised access obviously he can take LO to see them.
He's made it clear from day one that he wants "joint custody" so I know he will take me to court. I suppose I'll just wait for the papers to come through the door when LO is here.

I'm sad my dream of a family is broken before it has already had a chance to start. I'm even sadder that I trusted this man - loved (still do, but will never take him back) and that he is the father of my baby!! My son honestly deserves better as he is so messed up. Back on drugs and drink so I've been told.
I too feel really guilty, especially as I ignored all his bad and nasty habits in the past putting them down to his own emotional problems and refusing to see that he is actually just not a nice person. Angry at myself for agreeing to have a baby with him, though I already love LO and wouldn't change my bump for the world.

A part of me sees him getting bored when the novelity wears off anyway (that's what he's like)
I will never stop him access to LO because that's not fair. Though I too am unsure what to do if he starts messing around with visitation rights - not turning up ect.... :-/

xx

 

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