Delivered ^Ellie^ @ 10:05 last night plz help me no closure

[Mellovesado]

I was 21 weeks pregnant with my beautiful girl Ellie, on the 27/05/2014 we heard the devastating news that her little heart had stopped beating :'( I chose to wait for a natural miscarriage, I started having contractions Friday afternoon they became regular at 3:30 minutes apart lasting around 50 seconds, this continued all night. Saturday morning they just stopped on Saturday night I started feeling pain again it was continuous but bearable. I got up to go to the toilet, I sat down and felt like I was going to pass out. I laid on the toilet floor and all of a sudden I felt the most excruciating pain one could imagine. I called out to my amazing partner, he couldn't hear me as I felt so weak I couldn't yell loudly. He eventually heard me and ran to my aid with our 17 month old daughter in his arms, by this time the toilet floor was covered in blood and what looked like to be broken waters. I told him to call an ambulance ad the pain was unbearable, I was screaming and crying with pain. I felt so bad cause it was scaring my baby girl, but there was nothing I could do. My partner assisted me to the bed, I asked him to put me on the floor as I was bleeding very heavily. He called an ambulance, looked after our daughter and supported me in every way he could. The ambulance arrived, I was laying on the bedroom floor scream to please help me. I was laying in a large pool of blood, the ambulance officers were shocked at how much blood I'd lost. They gave me 2 lots of morphine that didn't feel like it did anything. We went in the ambulance, I was still in agony. They gave me the green whistle and more morphine, nothing was helping and I told them I needed to push. They said not until we get to l&d. We finally arrived I was still yelling with pain, begging someone to please help me. They gave me a internal examination and said I was 3 cms with bulging membranes. They then gave me a pethidine shoot which did take the edge off. 2 mins later the midwife asked if I want to go to the toilet. I went to get up to go, but couldn't get off the bed. I felt pressure and fullness in my vagina. I said I think the baby is coming out, she looked and said yes. Give me a push and with half a push I delivered baby placenta and sac all in one go. The midwife had to cut Ellie out of the sac, I couldn't watch. I asked my partner if he could see her, he said yes. He said she didn't look how I was expecting her to look and that he doesn't know if I'd cope. They nurse said that she was only about the size of a 15 week old pregnancy, that she had infection around her in the sac and that she was starting to self absorb. I can't even begin to explain the heartache that I am feeling today, I had everything planned out, exactly how I want to spend the only few hours we'd ever get to spend with her. Creating memories of her that would last us a lifetime, professional photos, footprints, dressing her in a pure white dress, reading her a story and most importantly holding her, kissing her and telling her how much I love her and I didn't get any of that. I feel like I have no closure. Stripped of everything that was going to get me through the hard times. My soul is slowly drowning in sadness and killing me slowly. I don't know what to do, I'm not coping.

 

[HazzaB]

I am so so sorry to read what you and your partner have been through. I have absolutely no words of wisdom. I am just so sorry.

 

[george83]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is utterly heart breaking. Do you have a professional who can offer you advice on how to cope? Maybe a midwife, gp or counsellor who can help you with not only losing Ellie but with losing your plans to say goodbye as well? Losing control over the one final part you did have control over must be knocking you down so much more.

Thinking of you, your family and your precious baby x x

 

[Bernie]

Ive got no words that will help only to send you big hugs your way

 

[heavyheart]

iam so so sorry for your loss of your daughter Ellie and the unbareable pain you are suffering. Sending huge hugs, nothing will seem good enough to try and ease the pain of not even being able to say goodbye the way you wanted but maybe in time you will find a way to say goodbye and continue to honour her memory in your own way. Be gentle to yourself xxx

 

[Jadeamber]

I am so sorry for your loss!! Although our circumstances are not the same I recently lost my little boy at 20+4 days on the 2nd of June after going for my 20 week scan and being rushed straight in to hospital because my cervix where funnelling and by the time I got to the hospital it was to late to do anything my waters was already bulging. I delivered 4 days later after deciding I also wanted to wait for nature to take it course rather than having to decide to end the pregnancy our selves. I also had a late miscarriage 15months ago to another little boy at 23 weeks. I understand the feelings your are going through and if you need to talk please feel free to contact me. All my love xxx

 

[Topanga053]

I am so sorry. I broke down in tears reading your story. Life is so unfair and it's completely normal that you're broken right now. But your daughter will not be forgotten. Everyone who has read your story will remember her and she will live on. Please consider professional help to get you through this unbelievably difficult time. You are not alone.

 

[sandilion]

Your story has torn me apart. I am so sorry love, life is just so unfair at times.

 

[Momys]

I am so very, very, very sorry!

 

[wildflower79]

I'm so so sorry you've had to go through all this. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I really hope you can find a way to treasure your memories and say goodbye to her, that will bring you some comfort

 

[smileyfaces]

Massive hugs Im so sorry to read this

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so very sorry I wish you love and peace..
There are no words..XOooXO