Depressed, desperate, splitting, child in 2 weeks!

[stuartmack]

Hello there

First post here, hope guys are welcome!

I would love some advice from anyone who's been through this

Essentially, I've been in a destructive abusive relationship for 7 years with my partner who is about to give birth in 2 weeks to my first and no doubt only child. We have both been equally to blame for the psychological abuse, viscous arguments, most if which have continued through pregnancy.On a personal level I'm utterly ashamed that we allowed ourselves to bring a child into this world being the way web are. We should have both probably split 5 years ago. I love her still, but it will never work.

Yesterday I just had to walk, both of us screaming etc and I just couldn't cope anymore. I suffer from depression and have since 16 and I've just got nothing in the tank.

Anyway, as expected it's got nasty. I've 'walked' so now within 48 hrs I'm not going to be on the birth certificate, not allowed at the birth and I've no doubt that the next punishment is no access. I only have my dad around and he's equally upset.

While I totally accept my part in the breakdown, i 'walked' because I have been feeling very low, black thoughts and just couldn't be in that environment. However, I have always wanted to be the for my child, try and be amicable, I have never challenged or refused to pay contributions etc etc It's just the relationship does not work.

Anyway, given these sanctions I'm just feeling utterly at my lowest ebb, I can't see anything worth living for if I can't see my child? What possesses someone to do that? What isn't be gained for anyone? She has no idea of the impact it's having in my depression, I dream at night of holding my newborn in the hospital, cuddling it, wanting to protect them and it's utterly breaking my heart that I may have no part to play in my child's life.

What the hell do I do? I accept my part in the breakdown and have made plenty of mistakes, but I have never not wanted to to do the right thing and be a full and active father. The thought of solicitors letters, CSA, pushing for parental responsibility orders etc is just crushing me.

I've suggested relate counselling, time apart, working at a partnership in the best interest of the child but instead she appears only interested in keeping the nastiness going. I've never been physically abusive, I've never denied my depressive illness, I apologise when I'm wrong. Im sorry that it's this way 2weeks before birth but I just could not stand the intense screaming and shouting in front of an unborn child, and the impact it was having on me.

Any advice or similar experiences you could share would be most welcome. As someone who's had suicidal thoughts regularly and is coming off one of the worst anti depressants I've ever taken (cymbalta - never touch them!), this whole situation could finish me off. And I want to be a father, just not inside a relationship that is utterly irreparable.

Regards
S

 

[Shezza84uk]

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, personally I feel there is hope. If possible you can go see your ex and apologies for your part in the breakdown of the relationship maybe ask your dad to go with you so he can be a mediator of some sort.

In regards to your baby, once you have cleared the air I would tell her you will be around to help her daily, end stage of pregnancy can be difficult with hormones all over the place, I know with depression its equally difficult for you but at this stage you and you GF must put the baby first and be civil where you can be.

Once the baby is here she might be a different person, and if doesn't work there is ways and means to gain access to your child but I prefer civil it works best all round.. Good Luck

 

[stuartmack]

Hi shezza

Thanks for the response. I've suggested all of that, Relate, friends or family to mediate, being there, paying etc None of its works.nthe relationship has ended as nastily as it could, but to refuse my fatherhood and denying me seeing the child born is just plain manipulative.

Her family are now refusing to speak to me so it's all my fault. They even feel it is reasonable for her not to put my name on the BC.

I don't get it and could do with going to sleep forever!

S

 

[Meezerowner]

Hi, I hope you are doing ok? This must be a really difficult time for you. Please seek help if you are really battling intrusive thoughts - contact your GP and explain the story as this would be a horrendous situation for anyone let alone for someone who has a history of depression already. They can recommend counselling or new medication. You probably already know this just dont let it spiral and take care of yourself. Speak to family/friends and let them support you too.

I have been through a *similar* situation but from the other side of the relationship.

I would say that you have made the right descision to walk away now (bad timing aside) as it is no good bring a baby up with parents who are arguing all the time. Your ex is going to be hormonal and be feeling let-down and bitter at the moment but after the dust has settled she may feel differently. Dont forget she is probably mourning the loss of the relationship and her hopes for the future and will be taking it out on you.

I would check how much you would be liable to pay if she went through the CSA (you can do their online calculator) you can then show her you are preparing financially. So if you have it all set up and ready she wont need to contact the CSA and make any demands.

If she doesnt put you on the birth certificate you can apply for parental responsiblity and this will be put through quickly and you can (I think) be put on the certificate afterwards. Contact can take longer to organise if she is obstructing it BUT if there is no reason why you shouldnt have contact you will get it sorted in the end. I know it probably seems daunting but it is all achievable and definately a reason to carry on and "fight" as at the end of the day you will have a son or daughter and that is the best reason ever.

If you are serious about being a good father then nothing will stop you being part of his/her life and making a valuable contribution.

In the short term (before the birth) try to give your ex some space but in some way (maybe by letter or short meeting) say you are giving her space and that you are getting things ready financially. Say you want to play an active role in the baby's life and that you will support her with whatever she needs. Dont argue and dont go into too much depth - keep it a bit brief. I think she will calm down and realise she is just lashing out.

I hope this helps a bit (a lot of it is based on opinion though!)

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

 

[stuartmack]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Frankly, it is killing me and I'm having very black thoughts. I just want to see my child :0(