Depression? Am i being stupid? Or should i go see a doctor?

[kmbabycrazy]

So most of my teenage years i was depressed though never diagnosed. I self harmed and was miserable. I hated who i was, what i looked like, what i sounded like. I never felt anything but lost. It got better when i had my son at 16, then worse through my relationship with his dad due to me wanting to leave and being unhappy in the relationship but feeling trapped because i was so young.

Well the past few months I have been feeling like that. I feel worthless and like I'm not good at anything, at uni, at being mum and wife, at anything. Things i once loved to do now feel like climbing a mountain and i feel so alone despite being surrounded by friends and family constantly. I don't have the energy to do anything and i just cry all the time. I feel hopeless every day. I don't want to get of bed and the only thing that motivates me to do so is my kids.

Ever since me and my husband got married in July he's been like a yoyo. So loving and intimate and then awful telling me I'm lazy and selfish and he wonders why he hasn't just left.

I have also come pretty close to self harming again but i feel like it's just because it's what i did last time i felt like that and I'm falling back into that mind set rather than i actually want to hurt myself. I think it made me feel better then for a little while would it do the same now. But the idea of my children ever doing that stops me. I'd be heartbroken.

I've been thinking of talking to a doctor but i can't even tell my husband or friends or family I'm feeling this way because i feel like I'm being stupid and i have no right to feel like this. People have it much worse than me why should i be miserable? I don't know what I'm looking for here...probably just some confirmation that i wouldn't be stupid talking to the doctor about this?

 

[Marie000]

Please don't feel bad about asking for help. Depression is hell to go through and you need to talk to someone who will listen to how you are feeling.

Being depressed actually has little to do with how good or bad your life is. It's a habit that your brain forms associating negative feelings and thoughts and bringing you in a downward spiral. It can be triggered by negative events that would seem trivial to other people. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. Telling yourself that you have no right to be depressed will only make you feel worst. It's not your fault you feel that way.

Please talk to someone if that's what you need. I really hope for you your husband will at least try to understand what you are going through, but even if he doesn't, do it for you and your children.

 

[whatwillbex]

You could try calling the samaritans. May be nice to talk to someone who is anonymous if thats easier and get things out in the open. Not sure if they advise on what you can do or just listen x

 

[kmbabycrazy]

So i spoke to my doctor and she agrees it is depression. She wants to see me again next week and says she's probably going to make a referral to counselling.

However i told my husband tonight after spending all day building up the courage and finding the words but he doesn't believe me. Thinks I'm lying. He told me not to expect him to be supportive because it's all bullsh*t and I'm not depressed I'm just selfish. I don't know what to do because i don't know how to get through this if he is not on my side but also I'm scared this is how everyone will feel because i hid how i felt for so long that nobody knew. Because it's not the first time i had to hide my feelings I've gotten pretty good at it and i just feel even more lost and alone now

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am sorry, but that is terrible of your husband. I have dealt with depression for years, it is very real and horrible.. I am on medication now for 2 years and I can't tell you how it has helped me... I would go in and out of depression and it's just a cycle... I really hope things work out for you and I hope your husband grows some compassion...
Good Luck

 

[ihx94]

It is definitely real, so many people in my family, including myself have suffered from in and it's horrible not to be believed. Hope everything works out x

 

[kmbabycrazy]

Well he slept on the sofa last night, has barely said a dozen words to me todat and it looks like he's sleeping on the sofa again tonight. He is downstairs with the tv on but all the lights are off.

It's just so hard because I'm trying so so hard to make him happy. I try all the time with all i can but because it's not his idea of trying he can't see past it and doesn't accept it. I'm just so terrified that i'm going to have to fight through this on my own because i just don't know if i have that kind of strength left in me!

 

[lovelylaura]

Hope things are getting a little better with your husband I think he can't offer support maybe confide in a close friend or family member X

 

[kmbabycrazy]

He's still not accepting it. He's barely talking to me. But i have told a couple of close friends and my sister as today she told me that she has also just been diagnosed with depression. It's been a really rough few days and I'm really struggling but when i can't go see a friend or they're busy i have no one to turn to and it's killing me. I don't really know what i should do about it all x

 

[tallybee]

I'm so sorry your husband is acting this way hun, he's completely out of order. Mine was like that about my depression and it turned out he was depressed too but wouldn't face it and certainly wouldn't get help. Is there maybe a family member who could have a word with him?