Depression and guilt over not being able to breast feed. Anyone have the same? Help!

[Luke's_mummy]

I'm Alice, 18 with a 4 1/2 month old son. He's healthy and so content and happy. Yet breast feeding was something I'd wanted to do for along time, and I had my heart set on it. I wanted that closeness and I wanted that bond with my son. I spent the whole of my pregnancy looking forward to breastfeeding him and it was INCREADABLY important to me. When he was born I tried so hard to breast feed him, and he would not take it. He flat out refused, he would scream and scream and scream everytime I tried, he wouldn't/couldn't latch and just wouldn't take the breast. I had a great supply, but I found expressing far far too uncomfortable and painful. I still think about it alot. I am so guilty and depressed about my failure to breastfeed my son, I've developed PND and I feel strongly that this is alot of the reason behind it. I feel horrible when I think about it. I just wanted to, I still want to, so badly. I know I can do it in the future but it isn't the same. I don't know what to do about it. It upsets me so so much as it really was something that was so important to me.

Luke looks for my boobs when he is hungry now and it makes me want to cry. I wish there was some way I could bring back my supply so I could try again with him. I don't know what to do about it all because it makes me want to cry. I feel so guilty.

 

[Eve]

Oh hun, don't feel guilty You tried very hard and you did what you could. I want to give you a Your LO as you said is happy and thriving and breastfeeding isn't an easy task. I'm not sure if you did, but you could post in the breastfeeding section about help with relactation if you wanted? I don't know much about it, but it's possible... but you shouldn't feel bad, you tried!

 

[bubbles123]

So many women (myself included) feel the same as you hun. All I can say is that time is a great healer. You will go through a period of mourning but you will come out of the other side. Have you got some help for your PND? As your son grows older and thrives it will become less of an issue as there are so many more things to start to think about - weaning, crawling, walking, talking... and you will share those happy times with your son. Congratulations on your baby, he is beautiful. I wish you all the best

 

[PresqueVu]

I hope you don't mind me posting

I found breastfeeding difficult, and my baby knew what to do! I was very lucky in that sense, because he knew what he was doing and was much better at it than I was. I really don't see how I could have managed it if he hadn't.

My midwife used to say that breastfeeding is a partnership, and both sides need to be able to make that effort. For whatever reason, yours was only one sided. You tried your best, but it wasn't possible for you. That is no-ones fault.

I hope you are seeing someone for your PND? there are some very supportive people here for you as well.

You are clearly doing your best for your beautiful little boy, and all he knows is that his mum is feeding him (he doesn't care how!) and looking after him and that he loves his mummy very much.

 

[Luke's_mummy]

Thanks everyone.
And thanks bubbles... He is gorgeous isnt he!

I just feel like i missed out on something.

I'm on anti-depressants but I'm not really seeing anyone. Thanks for all the kind messages, I may look into relactaion.

 

[pachamama]

Hiya,

I've been really into the idea of breastfeeding for as long as I can remember. It never occurred to me that it wouldn't work out.

Well, I've had cracked and inflamed nipples for 5 weeks now and the pain is indescribable - I've also had thrush for most of that time and have had to exclusively express for the last 3 weeks.

I have recently found out that lo has a very high palette meaning that it's highly unlikely that I will ever be able to latch him on without it causing me extreme pain and damaging my nipples.

I am slowly stopping the expressing as I find it exhausting and it is not allowing my nipples to heal... as I go through this process I find I periodically cry alot with feelings of loss and grief... it is a mourning process and I think, very normal for a while...

It sounds like your process has gone on for a long while and can't be at all pleasant for you. I really sympathise. I agree with other posters though- you need to speak with HV or GP - maybe there is a local PND group where you can air your feelings amongst those who understand and don't judge.

My belief is that things will get better once your feelings are able to be expressed, witnessed and sympathised with. My heart goes out to you. Good luck in your recovery.

x

 

[katy1310]

- I went through this too. Sophie was 13 weeks premature and I was still able to try breastfeeding her eventually when she was 9 weeks old. I expressed for her up till then and I breastfed her exclusively for a couple of weeks but then I started to worry that she wasn't getting enough because she was still so tiny...she was only 5lb6 when she came home - and she was constantly hungry. The Neonatal unit said not to breastfeed for more than 30 minutes as she'd get tired and start using up valuable calories, and they said to top her up after 30 minutes if she was still hungry. It was getting to the point where she was taking a full bottle as well after a breastfeed and we were having to use formula as well as expressed milk.

Eventually I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle. I really tried, and I SO didn't want to give up! I argued with myself so much over it but in the end I was only able to express about 60ml once a day and she was getting formula apart from that. I really did think long and hard about it and eventually decided it was time to stop. I still think about it now and feel guilty about it and wish I'd kept trying, and it must have been the beginning of August when I properly stopped. Sophie still roots around when she is hungry and I feel so bad. I miss the breastfeeding but still try to cuddle her in close when I'm giving her a bottle. Sometimes I'm still not sure if I made the right decision but as time goes on I'm starting to feel less bad about it and when I've got my sensible head on I know it was best for Sophie in the end to put her onto formula - she is thriving, her mummy isn't stressing over the feeds and we still have lots of cuddles and closeness.

Maybe relactating would be an option for you...I know of people who have successfully done it...

 

[MrsVenn]

I've posted on your other thread hun in Postnatal support, lots of hugs to you. xxx

 

[Nats21]

When Callum was first born he had one feed from me, the day after he had to go to the neonatal ward for a few days as his blood sugar was low, they bottlefed him and no matter what I tried, everytime he went near to the breast he screamed and screamed like I was torturing him!

I am expressing and formula feeding now as I felt that exclusively expressing would be very time consuming and I wanted to spend it with Callum not constantly on this machine. At first I felt a bit like you do, you feel like you're letting them down but truthfully Callum is nearly 3 months now and doesn't love me any less then if I was breastfeeding, as for the goodness that they get from breastfeeding, yeah thats true, but I don't think it does them any harm not to have breast milk, my OH and his brother and sister were all exclusively formula fed and they've all grown up fine. And at least with bottlefeeding someone else can share the load with feeding your LO.

Have you talked to anyone about your PND? This would probably help you tons.

EDIT - Sorry i've just read your above post, I definitely think talking to someone would help as well as taking the pills, its always good to get stuff out xx

 

[Odd Socks]

hi alice,
i went through similar with bella, she screamed when she went near my breasts (& still does), we were trying for hours to get her to take each feed, & all of us were exhausted, & really unhappy. we did this for 2 weeks, me calling triage every singke day, desperate for help, & they'd send a midwife out. in the end, we were readmitted to hospital, & started bella on formula & expressed milk as she was starving.
i stopped expressing after a couple more weeks as she wanted my time. & she's not fussed that she's formula fed, in fact, she's such a happy baby.
i felt so, so guilty at first, but slowly the guilt has eased, & now i just feel sad that it didn't work, especially when i see other mums successfully bf their babies. i have tried to get her to bf again (i'm producing small amounts of milk still) but she still screams if i put her near my boobs.
*hugs*
xx

 

[Luke's_mummy]

Thank you girls. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope you all can feel happy in the knowledge we ARE doing whats right by our babies. x

 

[SRTBaby]

I'm Alice, 18 with a 4 1/2 month old son. He's healthy and so content and happy. Yet breast feeding was something I'd wanted to do for along time, and I had my heart set on it. I wanted that closeness and I wanted that bond with my son. I spent the whole of my pregnancy looking forward to breastfeeding him and it was INCREADABLY important to me. When he was born I tried so hard to breast feed him, and he would not take it. He flat out refused, he would scream and scream and scream everytime I tried, he wouldn't/couldn't latch and just wouldn't take the breast. I had a great supply, but I found expressing far far too uncomfortable and painful. I still think about it alot. I am so guilty and depressed about my failure to breastfeed my son, I've developed PND and I feel strongly that this is alot of the reason behind it. I feel horrible when I think about it. I just wanted to, I still want to, so badly. I know I can do it in the future but it isn't the same. I don't know what to do about it. It upsets me so so much as it really was something that was so important to me.

Luke looks for my boobs when he is hungry now and it makes me want to cry. I wish there was some way I could bring back my supply so I could try again with him. I don't know what to do about it all because it makes me want to cry. I feel so guilty.

That is my story, i went to the doctor yesterday for prescription to increase my milk and he tried talking me out of it. He said i should stop being hard on myself, he grew up on formula and turned out just fine. I have creid so many times i dont know what to do. When LO is fussy and looking for something to comfort himself he always tilts his head towards my boops. If i try latching him he will last for a minute before screaming bloody murde! I really dont know what to do. My doctor reffered me to the breastfeeding clinic, might take 2 weeks to get in.

 

[rihanna]

you are not alone mummy2b17. I am giving up the BF. I couldnt cope with the demand my LO wanted and i was too drained , expressing was too painfull & i decided to give LO a bottle of formula twice a day so OH could help. Since then i have had mastitis which knocked me for six and felt so terrible. I also noticed LO seemed to prefer the formula, he was getting more, seemed more content and it was easier for him to get (i think) . I am stopping the final night feed this week so he will be totally on formula and i am quite sad, i'll really miss the bond between me and my little boy.

I am wondering if my body will adjust and let me just feed him once a day at night or if it will stop altogether? I know he is happy as long as his tummy is full and thats the top and bottom of it but i understand what you mean about missing out .xxxx

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Same boat here but I feel worse. I bf for four days. I had a c section
And was in pain he would feed for hours at a time. I didn't know that
Wasn't right at the time. By the fourth day I couldn't touch my
Breasts they were so horribly sore. Since he's been on formula.
I feel horrible and feel like the only mom that isn't expressing and
Is strictly on formula