depression/long story advict is poss plz

[ms sunshine]

I need some advice. its been a god awful few years and I think its just got on top of me. few years ago when I was pregnant with my son we had a 3 yr battle with a psycho neighbour who threatened to rape and kill me just for asking him to turn his music down at 4am this went on for year went to court 6 times he was arrested god knows how many times. had to ring 999 when I was 6 months pregnant as he was throwing furniture at the wall and making threats. the pregnancy itself was scary from 6 wks I had bleeding right the way through to birth it was just cervicial bleeding but a few times there was so much blood I thought that was it. then my son stopped breathing during birth he was nearly emergency c sec but was forceps delivery and fine. we were still living next to the psycho when he came home but he had a suspended eviction notice so was quite but his notice had 6 months left. so we moved from Manchester to winsford where im from. I don't think I had post natal depression or maybe I did but I know the trauma of the birth (there are some graphic things im not putting as you guys might be eating!!) did effect me as I cried when I got flash backs in the shower. they gave me strong drugs so it took a while for me to remember to be honest. I didn't bond as I couldn't hold my son as my hands were shaking too so I felt like a failure. I still feel like this sometimes. I had good days and bad day. then last xmas eve morning my dad died. I was a daddies girl and if im honest im crushed and extremely depressed. im on the waiting list for councelling. I don't want to take meds as I want to try for a second baby. there are no other kids in our family and I want aidan my son to have someone to be close with. I think it will make me feel better, im 37 this yr so I cant leave trying much longer it took 1yr 1/2 last time. I just feel sad every day I get angry like full of rage at stupid things and I have to leave the room to calm down, it can be over redilculous things like my son is going through this annoying habbit of refusing to drink so he struggles to poo, I offer a drink he runs off. something as stupid as this makes me so angry and I know its because im not 100%. im trying yoga and I want to try other things that I can do while ttc is there anything else? my family apart from my husband is pretty useless. my mum after my dad died said I could go round so I wasn't on my own after my husband went back to work after xmas break, and even though I asked every day for 2 wks I couldn't because of my son as she was filling in form. I have 2 brothers who live there my younger brother is a bloody sponge who doesn't work , and I could rant on but in short he just doesn't lift a finger and she runs round after him. she is more bothered about him. my older brother lived there as my dads carer as he was heavy to lift into showers etc and my mum couldn't do it. I guess I am also angry as no "person" even told me dad had gone to hospital the night before in fact they were waiting for a non emergency ambulance most of the afternoon so I could have had a last moment with my dad and it was taken away from me. im not really sure I can forgive this. they know I wasn't happy about it. my brothers knew why didn't I. im just sick of feeling like this. sorry ive gone on x

 

[seoj]

First- massive hugs

I know I can't understand all your going through, but I had a time in my life (for about 2yrs right after LO was born) that, although there were amazing things with LO, it was a time where life threw as much crap at me as it could. I dealt with it. What else could I do. But there was this underlying stress/sadness I couldn't really shake. Even if I didn't realize it was there- something small would put me OTT and I'd snap. I was not the best version of myself... for me, or for my family.

Counseling helped a lot... so hopefully you are able to get that sooner than later. I also went on meds that just helped me feel more calm. It didn't CHANGE me, but I'm more capable of letting things go- and my anxiety over it is much better. I'm not perfect- I still have moments, but everyone does.

I can understand not wanting meds while TTC... is there a more natural alternative maybe? I know some supplements help with mood. I tried a few, and some did help a bit. Not like the RX did- but it's something. Maybe research a bit as to what is OK while pregnant? Just in case. Then you can re-asses after that. Also- give yourself a break. Don't be SO hard on you. Easier said than done- I get it! I do go to the gym 5dys a week- as it's a great outlet for me physically which helps emotionally. But, just find your outlet. Whatever that is. An activity- a class- the gym- a coffee break (alone). I tried meditation- but it wasn't a good fit at the time, but it might be worth a shot. Even just taking 10mins a day to relax in a quiet space and just breathe. To focus on the positives in your life. I'm still learning to let go of things... not to let them fester. It's gotten much better, but I'm still a work in progress. We all are.

Not sure any of this helps... I do hope life get's easier and continues to be a healthy experience. Change what you can, and the rest, find a way to let go best you can.