Desperate for advice

[Sweetlucca]

I am so happy I found a place that I feel free to ask advice from someone who "has been there" and felt the pain.
I have two wonderful kids ages 9 and 7. I was finally feeling content with my husbands and I decision to not have anyone children. I wanted more but lost my mom a few years back and was scared to have more without her support. At 34, I was happy. But then one day, my world flipped and I found out I was pregnant. I just couldn't believe it. I was scared. I felt so much love for this little bean and had a huge fear I would lose the baby. I thought maybe it was because I knew we wouldn't try again if something happened.
Slowly I started getting really excited. My 9 year old daughter was over the moon. We got all our blood test back and everything was great. We were having a baby boy! My kids begged to go to my midwife appointment at 17 weeks. I took them bc everything was fine. But biggest mistake of my life. We found out that day that we had lost our sweet baby Lucca. I was induced that night and Lucca was was born at 335 am on my 35th birthday. (Dec 23)
This pain.... It is like no other. I've screamed, I've cried. I am slowly healing but know that I am forever changed. But I am trying to make it a better stronger change. Lucca has to have a positive effect on my life.
My doctor has been great. She ran tons of tests but we just can't find out why. I was healthy. He was healthy. It just happened and my doctor said it gives her confidence in saying it won't happen again.
I want to try again so badly that my arms ache to hold a baby. I know it wouldn't replace the baby I lost but I feel like it is the only way I can heal.
My husband has been my rock through this. I feel as though I have fallen in love with him all over again with how well he has cared for me. But I know he doesn't want to try again. But we haven't had a real discussion about it. I am scared to hear him say no and lose the hope I have been clinging to.
I know I am older. I know a baby was not in the plans but ......
Is anyone else struggling with feeling this way?? Do you or did you try again?? Should I be trying to move past this? I was happy before the pregnancy could I ever go back and have that happy again??
I feel so alone. So if anyone could offer advice I would LOVE to hear it and would so grateful. Thank you.
Dana

 

[LDC]

Hi Dana,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of Lucca.

I can completely relate to the way that you're feeling about what happens now. I can honestly say that you won't go back to the same happy that you were before; the loss of a baby just changes everything and life isn't ever the same again. I can promise that things get a little easier, even though the dark days still creep in.

I lost my boy in July and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, and every day I have a sad moment in the time that I think of him. He certainly changed me for the better and I am a mother of two, despite only one of my children being a living child. Nothing on earth will ever take that away and once I got over the guilt of smiling or feeling happy that certainly helped me to see past the dark clouds a little more.

Dh and I struggled with the thought of trying again, similar to you I wanted to try and dh didn't - he was so scared of something happening again and was worried about my health and wellbeing too (I ended up in emergency theatre after the birth following PPH), could this be the same for your partner?

I ended up having a complete emotional breakdown to my partner during a discussion and him saying he thought we should wait - I just couldn't stand the thought of it. I knew my grief would never end and I didn't want the loss of our son to mark "the end"; the end of us trying, the end of us building on our family, the end of hope I guess.

I remember just craving that feeling of having a baby in my arms, needing it even. The thought of trying was the only thing that got me through the day, knowing I was doing all I could to try and get pregnant again. I honestly didn't know how I would cope if that was taken away from me. My dh said he hadn't realised how much it had meant to me and that he could now see how I was feeling.

Fear just takes over everything.

I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant; it's shit scary. The 20 week scan was where things happened with my son and now I'm 2 weeks away the anxiety is creeping in. I've also had a bleed at 14 weeks so everything feels dangerous as such. I try and stay positive every day and have taken up listening to relaxation and mindfulness CDs to try and calm me - my anxiety has rocketed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon to be expecting my baby and perhaps I'll allow myself to get excited after my 20 week scan, it's like the fun and happiness of pregnancy has gone because I'm so aware of what could happen. I just try and remind myself that my life in general could be led by "what ifs" and actually what if everything goes ok?

We all have to live with a bit of hope, right?

Sorry for the super long reply, I hope it helps a little. Go with your heart and you'll never be wrong. Just remember to be kind to yourself and keep that strength going with your husband xxxx

 

[lizlemon]

Firstly I'm so sorry you lost your precious little boy. I lost a little girl on 22/12/11 so four years ago. Firstly you are still in the early days of your loss, not only is it a loss of a baby it is the loss of a life you had started to imagine, so there is a lot to grieve. Personally I have found time has made it easier - I don't think about her every day like I used to, I do remember her at odd times, but the sadness has eased and is replaced in the most part a bit of inner peace....every person is different and we handle this sort of thing differently, i did try again as soon as possible as I needed to have a baby, I now have had two, pregnacy after a 2nd tri loss is hard but worth it! Oh and I'm now 38 so age shouldn't stop you xxx

 

[StillPraying]

I am in your same shoes. I just lost my baby Luke, delivered him on sunday the 21st. He was not planned, but losing him has changed me. I want desperately to get pregnant again but i can tell my husband is very hesitant. It isnt that i feel like i could replace luke, its almost like i need to have that hope that a new baby brings. Im sorry that you are going through this. I wouldnt wish this on anyone.