Devastated - miscarriage or PCOS false positives

[red_head]

I don't know if this is the right place to be posting this. I don't know if this is a miscarriage so I feel like a hypocrite posting it here really, I don't want to take away from what others have been through. To me, no matter what, it's the loss of our pregnancy, our hopes and dreams, and so much more.
I wasn't far along. Five weeks. But we had told our parents. My mum had text me with what she wanted to be called (Narna (as in banana)). We've waited so long for these moments. I was so happy. I've never been so happy in my life. The day after we told our parents, I started feeling like something was wrong. I did another test, and it hadn't got any darker. But according to the forums and Dr Google, it could mean everything was fine, or everything was over. I decided to stop reading things on the internet. The doctor said everything was fine and has already sent through the info for our 12 week scan. I'm due to see the midwife on Wednesday. I've booked the time off work. I'm not sure whether to cancel the leave. I've rung in sick for the rest of this week. We've waited so so long for this. It's everything I've ever wanted. When I was young, and people asked me what I wanted to be, I would say a mother. When I met my husband, I knew he was the one I wanted to do that with. Three years we've been trying and hoping. Every time we get close, something happens to ruin the chance.
I was abused in my teens, badly, for a long time. I've struggled with my self esteem, and my weight since. I've hated myself for a long time, my body, my anxiety, my memories. And I really mean it when I say I hate my body. We first went to the fertility about a year and a half ago. Immediately after the first appointment, before any treatment could start, I developed a neurological disorder which meant we couldn't try, and I was off work for six months. I put on even more weight. There is no chance of us having IVF etc because my BMI is too high, and I suffered with depression after the diagnosis, so it took a long time before I got my ass into gear enough to start dieting. And I've lost a stone and a half, but still have a long long way to go. It all feels so out of reach.
But then we got our BFP. I couldn't believe it. For a week, they were faint, but then the clearblue said it in proper letters, and it was properly on a frer, and I've never felt so happy. But it was all a lie.
I knew something was right. My symptoms seemed to disappear and then came back faintly, but it wasn't the same. I had cramping on my left side. I did a test on Monday evening, and it was negative. But then yesterday morning (not fmu), it was positive again. I phoned 111 last night as I just felt something was wrong, and had worse cramping on my left side. They sent me to the out of hours doctor, who sent me to the early pregnancy unit. A urine test was negative. I just sat there with tears rolling out of my eyes the whole time. They decided to do a blood test - I'm still waiting for the results. They sent me home, as the fact the urine was negative soothed their fears it could be ectopic. The doctor told me that tests would never go from positive to negative that quickly if there was really a baby. I asked her about chemical pregnancy, but she said even then they wouldn't go negative in a day. She told me that she thought it was a cyst - the polycystic ovary syndrome had caused the positive result. I've never had the hormonal issue, but have always had cysts. I never knew they could do this. I did not know it would be possible to hate my body more. After everything, all the things that have happened, I cannot believe my own body could be so cruel. It's not confirmed - depending on the blood result they may do a scan. It might be that there was a pregnancy, but it might be that there was never one. It's wait and see. I haven't started bleeding yet. I want this over. I don't know how I am supposed to go on ttc. Any positive test I ever get I will never know what it is. I don't think I can stand the idea of having to 5 or 6 weeks to know whether it is all another cruel joke, or whether I am pregnant.
So right now, I'm waiting for the hospital to phone and tell me whether there was every a baby. I feel in limbo still, but a sad, horrible limbo where I already know the end outcome. I feel so guilty for my poor husband, who is being so supportive even though he must hate me. I feel like an idiot for getting out family's hopes up. I just feel like a failure. And I feel, even more than I did, that this world is so cruel. I just feel empty. I know it was early and other women have been through so much worse, but i can't help how I feel, and really, its the cumulative effect of things too. I also now don't know whether the last miscarriage I had was really ever a baby, or whether it was this. It's taken us three years to see another positive result since then. What am I supposed to do? Risk hoping for another three years, just for this to happen again? Our friend has just had her third baby, after starting to try at the same time we did. The third was an unwanted accident, although is now much loved. I already struggle with seeing our friends with babies, and many of them are trying for more now. Dealing with infertility is hard enough, but dealing with it, and then having your own body play tricks on you just feels like too much.
I'm sorry for the long and depressing post. I just needed to vent. I think I will update later when the hospital call, but may just need to stop thinking about all this.

 

[red_head]

Hospital phoned. HCG level is 12. Scan on Friday. Don't know what to think or do with myself until then.

 

[Aleeah]

My heart breaks for you. A loss is a loss, no matter what the term. I've suffered many losses, 1 later on in my pregnancy. It is the one that I lost later on people seem to focus on, they give me sympathy for it and it frustrates me. I was hardened when I lost her, I'd already been through enough to horribly know a pregnancy didn't mean a baby in your arms.

It was the miscarriage I had many years before that will never be forgotten. The one I went into naively expecting a baby, the one I thought that won't happen to me again, it's been hard enough getting here, this baby is here for good now. The one that changed me for life, changed me from optimistic to scared. The baby that took the biggest piece of me. I was only 9 weeks pregnant, baby had stopped at 8 weeks. But that changed my perception of pregnancy forever. I'd had losses before, I had losses after but that one I believed in.

Just know you're not alone. I often think of my losses as the same baby other women have lost, we share this in common, we all mourn the tiny little person that never was. We are all women who have come out the other side. You don't know if this is over yet, no matter what the outcome you can get through this. Have you been referred to any specialists? I know you say you can't get IVF but is it worth reigniting the conversations? Have they given you a higher dose of folic acid? I got given 5mg of folic acid ontop of the normal prenatals I was taking. Have you thought about acupuncture, I know lots of people that it's worked for?

All I can do is send you the biggest virtual hug, hang in there, and try and talk to your husband. He understands too. Talk to us, we understand too. Praying for you, praying so hard this turns into a beautiful happy healthy pregnancy xxxxx

 

[MissYogi]

I am so so sorry to read this. I haven't gone through the same things as you but I did experience a loss at 5+3 and I know it is absolutely devastating no matter how far along. It does not matter whether or not there ever was an embryo because in your heart there was and people who haven't gone through it won't see that. The loss of a pregnancy is different from the loss of a parent or friends because it represents the loss of a future, instead of a past. So no matter what, it is a loss and you are allowed to mourn and grieve. I promise you, nobody is mad at you. Your husband will not blame you. I went through a lot of guilt (still do) with my mc and I have to very actively remind myself that it wasn't my fault, I'm not a bad mother and my husband still loves me. What was surprising to me was the amount of guilt my husband also felt. He worried that he had bad sperm. It's just hard and our bodies handle these emotions differently, often with guilt when it is so hard to process anything else.

I so wish I could just hug you and tell you it's all going to be alright. I know it doesn't feel like it will right now but you will make it through because you are strong and powerful. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat, I'd be happy to connect on fb if you need a chat buddy.

 

[StillPraying]

Oh I'm so sorry you are in such an awful state of limbo. a loss is a loss no matter how early. It's hard, and it's too hard to even imagine ttc again when you're overwhelmed by this. Don't focus on that right now. Take it one day at a time. I hope you get some answers soon and that you get good news

 

[forevermore16]

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. I hope everything turns out well. I have to say, I have PCOS and I've never heard of it causing false positives. I have never gotten a false positive from a test. You could have just caught the pregnancy very early! The urine test may not have been as sensitive as a home test.