DH having performance anxiety, and I'm getting older. Has this happened to anyone?

[bebekins]

I just need to vent, since I've been asked by DH to not act out on my frustrations, as that makes things worse for him. All I can think is if we don't get pregnant this month, I'll be 33 before we have our first child. I made us wait this long (we've been married 7 years, together for 11) because of my career, and now that I'm ready, he seems to be unable to "finish" the job. This is the second month in a row that this has happened, our third month trying, and I'm already just so frustrated. I don't know if I'm even fertile, but I can't find out because DH can't finish. Has this happened to anyone else? If so, how did you deal with it?

 

[DosPinkies]

Yes! After this first happened to us and I started talking to ladies on here about it, I felt so much better because I realized it happens to a lot of our DH's. Trust me - I feel your frustration. I've cried about it after BDing and even gotten pretty cranky with DH about it, after which I of course felt bad. Just know that your DH is not alone...it happens to a lot of them. I'm sure it's a combination of feeling the pressure and having to preform on demand.

What has helped us is my keeping DH in the dark about when my fertile window is. He requested this, and I obliged. That has helped. Does it help 100% of the time? Well no, but we've had better luck since I stopped telling him when I'm fertile (until after I ovulate - then I tell him). It just helps take the pressure off. Also I try to make things extra enticing during my fertile days...breaking out the lingerie and all that. So far he hasn't made the connection yet. (;

Good luck and just remember that the best thing you can do is just try your hardest not to put pressure on yourself or him. Easier said than done, I know...trust me I know...but the pressure and stress only hurts our chances even more.

 

[purplecupcake]

We had somewhat of the same issue, and it got so bad that he didn't even want to TRY to have sex for two months! So I gave up. I continued tracking my cycles because they were still irregular from going off BC the year before, but I gave up on TTC. We finally ended up DTD on NYE, but I didn't get a positive OPK until January 3rd. Imagine my surprise when 10 days later I got a BFP!

I know the "relax and see what happens" approach doesn't work for everyone, but maybe you should as PP suggested keep your DH in the dark about your fertile days.

If your cycle is regular, plan a weekend away or just a date night out. See if any holidays or birthday coincide with a fertile day and use them to your advantage!

 

[Ziggie]

I'm with you! I'm nearly 33, he's 6yrs older, and we have some sex issues.... Ie, his sex drive has plummeted, plus I work long hours....

Trying to find time to actually make a baby is not easy, plus trying to make it sexy is.... Even harder!!!!!!!!

I echo what the others have said I no longer talk as much about when I'm due to ovulate, or when we should be having sex, and try to just creep up on him lol!!!!

And yes I've banged out the sexy undies and will happily watch 'adult entertainment' with him if it gets the end result!!!!

I have asked a similar question on here before and go no responses, so not sure if it's a bit taboo, but for us the sex bit is sometimes the hardest part!!!!

And I've cried too, it is frustrating when you know the only way you can have a baby is to have sperm inside you!!! I may have even said to him 'you only have one thing to do and that's the fun bit!!!!' before now.. Ahem!

Just try and be creative, and take the pressure off

 

[bebekins]

Thanks so much ladies! I like the idea of not telling him when my fertile window is. He is fine a few days before I ovulate and after, but as we get closer to O, things just fall apart. I have 32-33 day cycles (which adds to the frustration since I have to wait a bit over a month after every failure), so I know he has a hard time remembering when O is expected. I really appreciate y'all sharing your stories; it makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone in this!

 

[purplecupcake]

Thanks so much ladies! I like the idea of not telling him when my fertile window is. He is fine a few days before I ovulate and after, but as we get closer to O, things just fall apart. I have 32-33 day cycles (which adds to the frustration since I have to wait a bit over a month after every failure), so I know he has a hard time remembering when O is expected. I really appreciate y'all sharing your stories; it makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone in this!

A few days before is all it takes! Maybe aim to DTD 4 and 2 days before O and then ease off? Like I said, I got pregnant from DTD 4 days before O, it's possible!!

 

[laurabe]

I'm 34 and my OH is 44 and we had this problem a couple of times. It was really frystrating for us and I used to get upset at a "wasted" cycle. We had a chat and he said he'd rather keep sexy time sexy and would rather i didnt tell him I was ovulating. We were quite regular in the bedroom anyway so it worked out OK. though i did buy the odd saucy outfit now and then

As for the cycle I got my BFP we only managed to BD 2 days before O as I was working late shifts and getting organsied for xmas I thought i was out but got my miracle