Different person at night..?

[Snorman]

I don't know where this post belongs, I just hope to get som answers..
So my soon 4 months old son has been sleeping very good since the first night. Always at least 3 hours, then waking up for food, then right back to sleep for at least 3 hours more (but often he sleeps for 5-6 hours straight before food).
Well last night he woke up after 3,5 hours and wouldn't go back to sleep for 2 hours. Not unusual I've heard, but I became a monster. A selfish, hating monster. He had been awake for like 10 minutes after he ate and I thought "Ah, to hell with this, I'll get my ear plugs and he can lie there in his crib, I need to sleep!". I felt soooooo bad, but at the same time I just wouldn't get up to check on him. He wasn't crying or anything, just awake.
My fiancé then woke up and took our son out of his crib and talked to him and did whatever your supposed to do. And now he's at work for 11,5 hours, driving a car.
I was there, right next to him, and I just couldn't get myself to take my son and let my fiancé sleep.

I don't know why this happened. At day, I'm normally very cool and I'd like to think I'm a nice person, but this night I was just horrible! I felt horrible about being so horrible, but I just couldn't get myself to change.

My poor fiancé sat up for 2 hours with our son and I just sat there next to him, not doing anything mot than feeling bad for myself.

I'm crying my heart out here, I feel like the worst mother ever....
Does anybody else feel like this at night, or have some tips?
Like I said, my son was awake for 10 minutes before I started getting this selfish, hating feeling. (not hating him, but hating the fact that he was annoying me. And hating everything that annoyed me. Like my hair in my face. If it wasn't for my fiancé, I would've shaved my head last night, because it annoyed the hell out of me...)

 

[_Meep_]

Sounds to me like you were somewhat exhausted and confused by your son's behaviour last night.

When my LO hit the four month sleep regression (yes, it definitely exists!) she would wake up and scream every time I put her to bed and refuse to go back to sleep.

She had been a brilliant sleeper up until then, with very similar habits to your son, and I couldn't understand what was happening. I was bemused by it and felt like a failure as I didn't know what to do to help her - yet it had always been so easy and obvious before. The whole thing made me feel desperate and I flipped out, out of sheer anxiety more than anything else.

One night, in a sleep-deprived trance, I lifted her out of her cot by the front of her sleeping bag, and told her to shut up in a shitty voice. Then I put her back to bed without providing any comfort and ignored her until she finally cried herself out and fell asleep.

That probably sounded far more aggressive than it was in reality; I didn't hurt her or even scare her - there is no way I would ever, ever do either of those things - but I deeply hurt myself when I momentarily lost control, and I still feel awful about it today ... even though she's now nearly 16 months old and totally unaffected by what happened.

It never happened again. I think experiences like these remind you of your responsibility to your baby. They also remind you that you are human and you have a breaking point. You can now be more aware of that limit, and use it to your advantage by consciously taking steps towards remembering what happened and that you have a duty towards your son when you feel the frustration coming on. You are not the first and certainly won't be the last to have done something like this - in fact, I think it would be near impossible to find ANY mum who hasn't done, said or felt something she feels ashamed of. Babies are challenging, especially at this age.

You are not a bad mum. Maybe you made one bad choice, but you are aware of it and hurting over it. That's punishment enough, WITHOUT feeling bad and crying all day in addition. Your son still loves you, and you him.

So give your son a big kiss and a cuddle, move on and enjoy his cute babyness today. He will more than pay you back when he is a teenager.

 

[londonangel]

These things happen. I got cross with mine once when she was really tiny as she had been cluster feeding for SIX HOURS and refused to go to bed. I said to her 'why won't you bloody well go to sleep?' Then I felt very mean! Sleep deprivation does weird things to us. Don't worry, you didn't hurt your child and it won't kill your fiancé to be up in the night once in a while.

 

[Snorman]

Well, it feels really nice to hear that I'm no the only one feeling like this.

This night (it's 2.18 in the night here now), my dear son fell asleep at 8.30, woke up t 10 pm, and again at 12, then wouldn't go entirely back to sleep until 1.30, but now I can't sleep, because I'm just so annoyed with every little thing (plus thinking "no use in sleeping now, as soon as I go to sleep he will wake up, and if I get as much as one minute of sleep I will be even more irritated..").

My fiancé works long days ever day, and all weekend he's rehearsing for a musical (which I told him to join, so I can't get mad about it, I know how much time you need to spend rehearsing, since that's what I've been doing for 8 years, before I got pregnant), plus now the director is having him rehearse on Tuesdays and Wednesdays evening. Tuesdays used to be my own evening, when I got to go away for 2 hours and dance, but no I have to stop doing that (and I can't get my money back for this semester) because of this. I'm SO FREAKIN' angry at the director, my fiancé clearly said that he can't rehearse Tuesdays, because it's my ONLY night off. And the director promised he would only have to rehearse on weekends, and not even the whole weekends, but a few hours one day. Now it's 4 hours on Tuesdays and Wednesdays PLUS 7 hours both Saturday and Sunday.

I'm just so mad I can't sleep because I hate it so much. I love my son to bits and would do everything for him, but I can't take having to handle him all day when Jonatan is at work, then all evening when he's rehearsing, and then all night because Jonatan needs to sleep before work.

How single mothers does it, I just don't understand, but MAN, do they have my respect!

 

[hlynne]

Yes, sleep deprivation can definitely make you do crazy things that you regret as soon as it happens. I have had to put my son in his crib and leave a few times so that I could cool down. I know he is safe there and I need a break before I do something I regret. Of course I would never hurt him, but I hate getting aggravated with him and I don't want him to see me lose it!

 

[_Meep_]

^ Exactly this!