Disconnected with new preg after a loss..

[Gypsy1106]

I feel awful for feeling this/writing this but I cannot be the only one. I had a loss in mid August- I was just under 8 weeks, saw beans heartbeat just 2 hours before it all began. We were so surprised as I have fertility issues, and we became quickly so incredibly excited and happy. We talked about names and "when the baby gets here..", we told our family and some close friends. We couldn't wait to go through the pregnancy every step of the way and we couldn't wait to have the little one in our arms.
My miscarriage was nothing short of complete shattering of my whole self as I was contracting this loved little being into a cold toilet and into my hands. It was earth stopping for both of us and its been hell healing.

We are pregnant again, by complete surprise and before a period. I'm overwhelmingly UNdetached from this pregnancy. I feel bad about being pregnant after losing the other one. I feel worried and fearful and on high alert constantly. I no longer want to talk names or make plans or tell anyone. I'm not rubbing my belly and talking to it. I'm feeling less than what I feel I should be which is thrilled in every way. My last blood work came in good and I was happy. But not omg happy! I just am. Like existing. I feel like I cannot be bonded to this little being in me and I feel so so so awful for that.

There are so many women who cannot have children, or have been TTC for years who'd literally kill to be pregnant again right after a loss, and I just feel so unconnected to this bean I just can't help it. I want to be happier and I want to be more positive.

There has to be someone else here that understands this.

 

[Classic Girl]

Aww. Sweetie I TOTALLY understand and I wasn't nearly as far along as you were! I think what hit me most is my age and the clock ticking. Took me 6 months to conceive again and I almost refuse to get excited. It's a defense mechanism and you're protecting yourself from hurting like that again. It's totally natural albeit so stressful. I honestly had to tell myself on a few occasions, that what is going to happen, is going to happen and worrying about it and stressing about it isn't going to change a thing. Positive vibes however probably will benefit things. I know it's hard to do and if you need to protect yourself until you get further along, then you do what works for you. No one should judge you

 

[Classic Girl]

That's another reason I refuse to put up a ticker yet.

 

[nanajoy]

After 6 losses, and one immediately before this one (no period like you), I am extremely tentative. We have told a couple family members, but mainly for medical reasons. I don't have a due date, so I just wait, and hope and dread all at the same time.

 

[Gypsy1106]

Thank you ladies. It's such a tough thing. That last MC was the furthest I've gotten in a pregnancy so I guess that's why I took it so hard. Everyday so far I feel like is a milestone but the biggest is going to be getting passed that week and all the others weeks after. Good luck to all of us and I appreciate knowing that it's totally ok how I'm feeling.

 

[EverythingXd]

Hi Gypsy, you're not alone. It's a natural defence mechanism and one which, for me, isn't through choice so I'm sure you don't choose it either.

I'm 41, had an ectopic last Jan (lost ovary) then a MMC at 12 weeks last June. It took nearly a year to fall pregnant again. With my boys, I knew they were boys really early, I felt such a strong connection. Then with my MC in June, I knew baby was a girl (this has never been proven, but I'm certain of it... I just knew). This time though, I disconnected so much I really wasn't sure if boy or girl.

I had a scan at 7 weeks to check baby in right place. I had to go back at 9 weeks because I was convinced baby had died (all ok). Every scan I've had, I'm happy for a few hours and then the fear sets back in that I can still lose this one. I've started to think of names for my baby girl, but I justified this in my head by thinking that because I've got this far I would want her to have a name now even if she doesn't make it.

I long to enjoy this pregnancy, and at times I do. But definitely I have distanced myself and don't really think I'll settle until she is in my arms. I bought a Doppler and could listen to baby's heartbeat from 11 weeks - this really helped me. Now I can feel her kicks I know she's doing ok right now, and I'm concentrating on that.

Sending you hugs, and I hope you do start to feel more at ease soon. Wishing you a very healthy 9 months x

 

[Gypsy1106]

Thank you for the support. Having a Doppler is definitely going to help me and so will feeling the baby move. For now I'm boob pain checking, getting betas every week, banking on every moment of nausea and other signs, and trying my hardest to look on the positive side so far.

I'm so happy that you've made it this far and I'm confident that you will make it all the way this time. I'm hoping the same for me! (And everyone else going through this turmoil). I know it's a completely natural defense to feel this way, even though it feels so so wrong, but I think more women need to talk about it so they don't feel so broken over it. One day at a time.

 

[EverythingXd]

Definitely one day at a time Gypsy. Someone on another thread said to just remember "today I am pregnant" ... I think that's a good way to look at it.

 

[minimoocow]

I'm pregnant after 3 losses and I'm completely detached. Petrified I'm going to loose it as that's probably game over for us. I've had to limit myself to 1 toilet trip every 2 hours to check for blood as it was getting silly! Its been the longest 10 days of my life and I'm only 5 weeks. I don't know if I can cope with another 35! I feel well. I don't want to get morning sickness as I have a phobia of vomiting but maybe I could feel a little pregnant! I feel nothing except sore boobs and a superhuman sense of smell! I know these are good signs but still can't shake the feeling that I will miscarry at any time. I'm not sleeping and am really stressed.

I don't have any guidance for you but just wanted to say you are not alone.

Mini x

 

[Gypsy1106]

Thank you thank you thank you. And I'm deeply sorry for the losses you've also had to endure. I understand your worries completely, as me being 28 soon, and SO being 50 soon, this might be our last go too as I don't think I could go through it all again. I hope so bad these babies stick for us. As far as I know, I'm still in the game as of Monday. I thought we were over our first hump already (the day of our last miscarriage), but we measured 7w1d on our ultrasound which is likely due to late implanting. Baby's heartbeat and size is looking perfect so far though so I'll take it. The appt helped but minimally. I'm hoping it's still ticking in there. I have all of these crazy fears because I'm on progesterone to support this bean as I've had LPD and low progesterone issues in the past. Progesterone has been said to delay spotting/bleeding associated with a miscarriage and also accentuate pregnancy symptoms so even a good day of puking and small cramps and bloat I take with a grain of salt. SO has been coming around more and has jokingly called me mom a few times already, and I find it endearing but also makes me cringe. I know he's doing it to get me used to the idea and help me to feel more positive. We have many appts and schedules set in place now, but as noted, everything's one day at a time. I'm (hopefully) pregnant today. How are you feeling today? When is your first appt? Perhaps it will help minimally for you as well lol.