Distraught - Updated 3/9

[sambucababy]

Hi ladies - I know noone can help but I felt it maight help me to write down my feelings.

My story is long and painful and could go on for pages and pages but the short version is my partner of 18 years and I have seperated and now im devasted.

He cheated on me 4 years back and got the girl pregnant, she kept it - he said he didnt want contact with her and wanted to be with me. Stupidly I agreed to give things a go.

He made a slight effort at first but it gradually stopped, I cannot get over what he did and admit I often bring it up when we argue as im constantly para. We had a child of our own 18 months ago and he has become more and more distant. We argue a lot and he has a habit of saying some very hurtful things when we do argue which he admits afterwards arent true, but said to upset me.

He has been coming home late and not phoning me and I moaned at him, to be fair when I have phoned him he has always answered and says he forgets to phone me back. Anyway after a late night home I got frustrated and told him he was making life hard for me and our relationship wasnt going anywhere and so he may as well go. He stayed out for a few nights which isnt unusal after an argument and I left him to it for a few days. A few days after he came back and removed his clothes whilst I was out.

I phoned him and he said he was happy where he was and didnt want to come back {he said he was at his brothers. I left it a few more days then called him again. He was more distant with me this time and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore as the relationship was boring and we had nothing in common, I was amazed. A few hours later I called him again to see if he would talk and explain, he aid he hadnt loved me for a few months and didnt want me anymore, then he mentioned the child from his affair creating alarm bells, he said it was his choice whether he saw the child not mine, I ve never stopped him, but that was what he had maintained he wanted from the start. He then hung up and switched his phones off {he has two one for work one personal}

I tried to phone him this morning but his phone was off and his work one ringing out, all day its been like this suggesting his personal phone hasnt been charged and therefore him staying somewhere different last night. I ve tried to be calmer and rational but he wont answer my calls or texts and naturally im upset. I called his work phone from a different number and he answered so clearly he is avoiding me.

I dont kow what to do, despite everything i love him, im so stressed out i cant eat or sleep or rest i feel on edge and am all panicy. Am not well with a UTI / kidney infection but luckily my daughter is away with my parents the weekend.

I ve noone im comfortable in confiding in and all thoughts are racing through my head. He is capable of behaving in this way to simply upset me but Im thinking there is more to this and I dont know how to find out. Im distraught coz really I started the whole thing x

 

[Rhio92]

xxxx

 

[MummyJade]

wow, you seem to be going through alot DO NOT feel bad! no one can expect you to be happy with him being distance with you that is not on... its never easy a break up, but i think you need to focus on getting better over the weekend, then when your daughter is back focus on you both... leave him to it.. dont call dont text hard i know cos you want answers but honestly it will push him need more away... and just make him mad then you get no where...

let him get in contact when he does ring, dont pick up straight away let it ring a few times then answer all normal and nice as though he not being around hasn't bothered you... if he texts leave it an hour or so then reply.. otherwise he will think your waiting for him and dying to hear from him...

xx

 

[babydue2011]

i swear you pretty much just explained my situation. its been 5 months since i have been single. there are good days and bad days. trust me, i am no one to talk, i still cry and get all upset. begging for him back. just take one day at a time and when you need to cry, cry dont hold it in. when you need to vent, vent. we are all here. but i know one day i will be okay. LO is not here yet so it does make it a lil harder. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[LonelyAngelx]

So sorry you have to go through this hun, But Do not worry This guy seems like a Idiot, for putting you through that, if he hadnt felt that way for a long time towards you.. why string you along? You deserve so much better...!!
Stop calling & texting him... Wait for him to realise 'oh she hasnt called today, i wonder whats up?' He will think youve moved on (and thats exactly what u need to do!)
the more you call the more he'll love it.. and the MORE it will hurt you that hes not picking up.. I Know the feeling.. its not nice either so i can relate to how ur feeling atm

Things will get better in time i promise, its easier said than done but your hurting at the moment... Men are jerks and this guy has proved exactly that
Chin up hun, Things will get better xx

 

[sambucababy]

Thanks ladies - things got worse, I found out he has moved in with the girl and his son. He said he loves me but is in love with her, he also said he has been with her for 10 years whilst living with me and that all his family knew etc.

Im heartbroken, I dont know why he has had to string me along for 10 years and pretend to love me, I offered him a home with no strings between us 4 years ago but he was adament that he wanted to be with me.

We had a daughter {who he promised he would see but failed to turn up} all during this whole pretense of his. Im devastaed and loney.

My only family are my parents and my dad is very poorly. My closest friend lives far away. Nobody really seems to quite understand what im feeling .

I havent eaten since he left I ve seen the GP near enough every day but nothing has helped Im scared and lonely, I dont think I can recover from this.

 

[Rhio92]

You WILL recover hun It takes time xxxx

 

[mummy_ellie09]

^WSS

 

[BabyGirl999]

You poor poor girl. He doesn't deserve you. Could your best friend come and stay for a while?

 

[LucyLadyBug]

omg. I remember reading your OP and telling my OH about it. We both just read the update together.

My response is I don't know how he stayed with you and brought a child into the equation when he already had this other woman on the side and a child with her. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on the children. It's just selfish.

My OH has a b&b account but says he's too angry to make a post - his general response being swearing and hating the section of men who give his gender a bad name and generally don't deserve to be parents

 

[teal]

xx

 

[Vixen_17]

All I can do is just echo what the other ladies have said. Somewhere inside you you have the strength to get through this and out of the other side where you and your daughter will be in a good place. You just need to reach in and find the strength.

You WILL have shitty days and you will have better ones. Over time, the better days will outnumber the shitty ones, I promise.

As some of the other ladies have said, you need to try and switch your focus away from him and on to yourself and your wonderful baby. Take back the control of your life and you will find a way through this.

V
-x-

 

[sambucababy]

Thanks again ladies, yesterday was a dark day for me. He text me at lunch time from a "new" number which raised my suspisions as to whether it was him, he asked how I was and how his daughter was and asked me to give her a kiss from him. I replied that she was ok but a little unsettled and he said he would like to see her this week so I said fine and then he said he would contact me in the week to make arrangements.

A few hours later he then txt me again asking if I had brought his niece a bday present - after all the deceit with his family involved too I cannot understand why they would assume that I would - i couldnt believe he asked.

I felt so upset last night, I had a huge melt down when I couldnt close the bonnet on my car and cried most of the night. I rang the docs for an apt this morning and they didnt have anything until 10am, I genuinelly didnt feel I could old out that long so I sat at the surgery for an hour an a half in a corner crying til i was seen, I ve never been so broken in my life.

The doc was great and increased and altered my meds and in all fairness i feel a lot calmer but obviously this is only to get me through the short term.

Just as my day felt slightly more normal I get another txt from him asking how his daughter is and now I feel flat again. Im dreading seein him if he does come to see our daughter but obviously she comes first.

Im just noting down how Im feelig etc hoping it will help, thanks for everyones kind words etc figure am going to be updating this a lot in the short term x

 

[AbbynChloe]

xxxxx

 

[Vixen_17]

Sending hugs too and hope today is a better day for you.

V
-x-

 

[sambucababy]

Thanks xx am feeling even worse today my life feels so empty and I feel lost, not sure what to do think etc, I just still and probably never will be able to get my head around all this and why he did what he did.

 

[SilasLove]

Huge

I can't imagine how heartbroken you are feeling right now. I hope you start seeing the sunlight through the storm. In the end, if he can deceive you like this you are better off without him. Just hope he will be there properly for your daughter so that she will never have to feel like you feel right now.

 

[lyonesse]

Please don't blame yourself. It seems to me that you tried to forgive, but forgetting a betrayal like his would be the most difficult thing that can happen in a relationship. It was very brave of you and speaks volumes about how much you felt for him.

Btw, it seems to me he started this whole thing with his cheating and later behaviour. Don't beat yourself up about calling him out on it and wanting the truth. That's your right and I'm so sorry it's been so painful and he's been such an immature tool.

He's created this situation, not you, and it sounds like he had every opportunity to pursue what he wanted and chose this deceit instead. So he truly isn't worth the pain.

It's time to be selfish, since he's been indulging himself for yrs now, and think about only bub and you. Bugger him, bugger his family. A bit galled he asked about the niece b'day gift tbh-his relation, his problem! Do things that lift your spirits and distract you from the situation he's created. Go see a movie, or shopping, or just take LO out for a walk to distance your mind from the mess.

And I'd keep all communication about your daughter too. It sounds like he's too eager to go for blood during arguments and regardless of how sorry he is afterward, the damage is done. Protect yourself.

And about loving you AND her-that's crap. He loves himself

It's trite, but that pain will fade as you get stronger and you'll be immunized to his bull in the future. He's the one missing out here